Gender Disappointment

[marmiteontoastx]

I don’t even know where to begin with this. It’s complex, I’m sorry!

My husband and I have always wanted a baby. Last year we had a pregnancy loss which was quite traumatic for us, very shortly afterwards my closest friend announced she wanted to try for another baby and found out she was pregnant again. I won’t lie, the news was particularly difficult for us to process, we were over the moon for her but devastated for us and what we went through. But anyway, after some therapy and time we worked through it and found ourselves pregnant again. We were so excited! What we didn’t bank on was how my friend reaching all her milestones before us would affect us. We are less than a couple of months apart, so she’s got her bump first, felt all the moving first, had scans first, all that stuff. Which is fine because she obviously will! But the mental health aspect was surprising on our side. We are still continuing the therapy. Anyway. Now we’ve reached the point of gender. I’ll preface this section by saying my beautiful husband always wanted a girl, apparently since he was a little boy. He has little sisters much younger than him and always pictured himself with a girl. So we go for an early gender scan and what are we told very clearly: we’re having a boy!!! I was indifferent either way, but my poor husband took it quite roughly for a day or so. He’s adjusted now, we chatted and he knows he’ll be an amazing Dad to a boy or girl, but now my friend is going for her gender scan and we just know she will have a girl. I’m so sure of it I could bet money on it. So when we find out, I’m worried about my husband. I’m worried he’ll feel like her pregnancy has always been a step ahead of ours and I’m worried he’ll have the intrusive thoughts saying she got the gender we should have had. (Which in reality he knows is completely irrational and ridiculous). He has therapy tomorrow which is incredibly good timing but I’m desperate to find a way to help him through this over the next few months of pregnancy (if we’re right). I feel sad thinking about her having her baby girl first and him seeing her and feeling disappointed we have a baby boy. I know as soon as we have our baby he will fall so deeply in love he won’t care - he’s the most sensitive and loving soul - but before our boy is here I need to find some way of helping him through this battle. What on earth do I do?

Grief is hard, and you can’t help feeling how you feel. However you both need to wake up and realise that woman is not pregnant with your baby, she is carrying her own child. Your husband doesn’t want her baby, he wants his own, and he’s having a boy. Millions of people will give birth to girls this year and non of them will be yours, you are both so incredibly luckily to be carrying hopefully a healthy baby boy. Step back from this woman and find things to focus on other than her baby, decorate your nursery or whatever and enjoy your own pregnancy. And after you have this baby if your DH is still set on only having a girl to this extent I wouldn’t have more children with him. But this is hopefully just grief focusing in the wrong place.

You are totally right that he will love your baby once it’s here, therapy is a great idea. Good luck OP.

You’re not responsible for your DH’s MH. He needs to manage this himself. Is the therapy individual or couples? He might benefit from some solo sessions.

I don’t think your husband realizes how devastating infertility can be.

All feelings are valid, speaking from experience. It’s not being ‘disappointed’ or ungrateful for what you have - even though some may see it like that it’s just not it and the people that feel like that are just projecting their feelings and probably what’s happened to them in the past on you. Some of us do have ‘ideas’ in our heads what we see our lives like and when it doesn’t work out that way you can feel how you want to feel. I would just keep speaking to him, let him be open and honest. I honestly think when the baby is born all these feelings of gender disappear, and neither of you will care about your friend and that she’s a few months ahead of any of that. You will be in your newborn baby bubble,
soraking up the cuddles and getting on with your new busy life! Talk to him about that it’s good she’s a few months ahead because you can learn from her experiences, you can learn from her labor, it might give you guys a clearer idea on what you do and don’t want for yourselves. See it as a positive 🥰🥰

I find it hard to get my head around this. I'm not trying to minimise your feelings, they are what they are, but having gone through such a loss I thought you'd both be over the moon with either a boy or a girl.

Is this 'friend' a bit of a competition in other areas of life as well?

This sounds bonkers to me. You've been through a difficult pregnancy journey surely you'd be over the moon to have a baby no matter what?! Ive been through it too and would have walked to the ends of the the earth to have my child in my arms, who cares about anything else surely? Your husband shouldn't have agreed to have a baby if he was going to take it this badly that it's not a girl.. 50/50 chance at the end of the day. I'd be seriously questioning him as the father of my children if he can't understand what you've been through and that none of this matters.

Glad he's in therapy. Continue that for sure. And get some perspective. You're having what sounds like a healthy pregnancy with a much longed for child. Your friends baby is her own, not yours. Focus on all the love and happiness ahead of you, sex of baby should be a non issue.

Why are you so invested in your friend’s business when you have so much to focus on yourselves?

Great about therapy and I'm sure it can help lots more than strangers on here.

I do understand the basis of your husbands feelings given his family history etc. but can't at all understand the obsession with your friends pregnancy. If these feelings persist can you just quietly pull away a bit, don't initiate plans, mute socials etc. Most friends come and go, this journey with your child is for the rest of your life and you really need to get some perspective re why her pregnancy has anythign to do with that.

Hi OP, your DH should be focused on helping and supporting you through this pregnancy after your challenges - not the other way around. Leave his therapist to focus on his coping techniques, please don't feel responsible for helping him adjust to life with a boy. Every bit of your mental energy should be focused on yourself and this beautiful life you're creating - not your friend and not your DH. I'd be more worried the reasons your DH wanted a daughter since he was a child- it's quite unusual for small children to have a preference on sex! One for the therapist to unpick as it could impact how devoted a father he'll be when your boy isn't just a baby anymore - I'd be more worried about him challenging and resolving his odd views on gender roles before baby is here.

Do you think you're focusing more on your friend and DH than yourself as a distraction from your own understandable anxiety about pregnancy? I hope you have other supportive people around you and your DH realises being a good girl dad also requires him to put your needs first and not make this about him, be more empathetic about YOUR pregnancy journey and understand how to support women/you at their most vulnerable time!

Not sure of the point of both of you focusing intensely on your friends pregnancy rather than focusing and enjoying your own?

Maybe back away from your friend.... Your dh needs some therapy..
My dh thought ds would be a girl. No reason... Scan showed a boy. 2 mins to process and he was over the moon....

i knew this thread would be about a boy, they always are on mumsnet. It is pretty sad. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage have had one myself and I know how devastating it can be. I do think if your partner is projecting his sadness and disappointment about the baby being a boy to you it’s quite selfish and inappropriate tbh. You shouldn’t have to do anything.

Sorry, but your husband sounds immature. You’ve had a loss, he should be thrilled you’re pregnant and not comparing your situation to anyone else’s.

I’d be telling him to pull himself together.

Your friend's journey is completely irrelevant to your own.

What your husband wants is irrelevant. He has to deal with that himself.

It isn't up to you to sort his feelings and reactions out @marmiteontoastx

And I actually don't understand your envy of your friend whose pregnancy is a few weeks more advanced than yours. So what? If you weren't pregnant I'd understand, but you are.

Quite.

Maybe she's jealous of the fact that your pregnancy is less advanced than hers. Though why either of you should care is beyond me tbh.

Get out of your friends life .
You've invested far to much of your mind in it.
Also l never knew if l was having a boy or a girl.. we were never told back then.
But after 13 miscarriages.. two ectopic. Endometriosis and PCOS.. I was just so happy to have a healthy baby.
I was pregnant not WE.. my husband couldn't physically be pregnant.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Miscarriage association in Wakefield can help.
But my gosh.. do you both need therapy..
Therapy is for past trauma.
I'd try some counselling too.. that's for the here and now.. because seriously you're not coping.
Enjoy your pregnancy and get your friend out of your mind and let her enjoys yours.
You are allowing it to interfere in your lives and stopping you enjoying your own.. and planning .

Does your husband have a diagnosed mental health condition?

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about your loss and that you've had a difficult time. When I was pregnant with my first, husband and I were both convinced our baby would be a girl and I think we imagined what that would be like but, when we had our 20 week scan, found out it was a boy which brought all sorts of emotions. It absolutely wasn't that we wanted a girl instead of a boy, so like a PP said, it's not disappointment, more that we had convinced ourselves it would be a girl and all of a sudden, that image had changed so it felt a bit like that had been taken away if that makes sense? It did take maybe a couple of weeks to process but once we started planning a life with our son (decorating the nursery, buying clothes, picking a name), the feelings we had changed to excitement and anticipation. When son arrived, we were both besotted and couldn't picture having anyone other than him. Your husband might just need a bit of time to readjust his thoughts and once your son arrives he'll think of nothing but him.

My friend and cousin were both pregnant at the same time as me, both with girls. I never felt any kind of resentment on hearing their news so your husband might not feel as you expect. Their babies were meant for them and my child was mine.

Incidentally, currently pregnant with my second and this time it's a girl. We're both absolutely delighted to have one of each but there were some similar feelings to before because a little part of us expected a boy and had imagined having two the same sex close in age. This being second time round, I know that those feelings are completely irrational and that the sex really doesn't matter. It's just a mindset change once we have the facts.

You/your husband can't help what you feel and this is obviously a longed for baby but what's important is how you manage and deal with your feelings. It's good that your husband is having therapy so he can hopefully process the news and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy looking forward to son's arrival.

My friend had a similar thing except her DH wanted a boy. Friend was overjoyed just to get a child after 3 failed IVF rounds, & losses. Her DH had therapy and realised what a tool he had been.

I have had two loses. What did I want? A healthy baby that arrived safely.

I agree with an earlier poster, I don’t truly believe your husband understands fertility issues. You’re both very lucky.

Your husband needs to grow up and fast.

Thank you for such a well thought out response, you’ve hit the nail on the head here and are exactly right. I suppose the answer to my original question really is just “time”. All we can do is give things time to settle and he’ll adjust to it. Which really he already is doing in the best way that he can!

DS and DIL have experienced infertility and loss for over six years. With help they have just become parents for the first time.
Their best friends have a wonderful little girl a couple of years older. At no point did I ever hear them direct their grief on to anyone else, let alone someone they both love.
The bond they have with that little girl is lovely and has served as a brilliant training ground for their own DC.
DS and his DW did have a preference when pushed (it's never a boy), but both were so thrilled to finally become parents, the sex was way down the list. DS even said no one should take such a massive risk on a 50:50 chance if it's that important to them. To see disappointment over sex was madness to him when you have no control. I hope all these sons never realise they are second best.
Kids shouldn't be born a job. My GD would have been equally loved if she'd been a boy. My DSs are amazing men. You're not just giving birth to a baby or child.

@marmiteontoastx the fact that this does worry and concern you during an already stressful time isn't considerate on his part though. As adults we do need to contain our feelings sometimes and at least outwardly not express so much disappointment to the extent your DH is. Is he thinking of how his upset is making you feel? You know how sometimes we don't agree with our friend's choice in partner or job but would not say or do anything to ruin their enjoyment of it, or cause them worry - he needs to do that, it's his child and he must have known a girl wasn't guaranteed.

It's ok to be disappointed you're not having a girl, it's not ok to have it affect both your lives so much that a therapist is needed to intervene. That's a very strong reaction compared to posters here. It's not just time but he needs to do serious self reflection on why he has such a strong response and how to manage his feelings so they don't affect you or your child in future. Atm his feelings are the star of the show, and they really shouldn't be during pregnancy.

And this is why they never used to tell us the baby’s sex at scans, so that people didn’t get all upset.
Much better to find out what you have when you’ve just given birth. I often wonder how expectant mothers think we managed without knowing till the day they arrived!
My first born I expected to be a girl, because that was what was common in our family, so it was quite a surprise that he turned out to be a boy! But , after the initial “shock”, it didn’t matter one way or another, and I just got on with being the mother of a son! It’s a 50/50 chance you take, being a parent, any way!!!