Gender Disappointment

[marmiteontoastx]

I don’t even know where to begin with this. It’s complex, I’m sorry!

My husband and I have always wanted a baby. Last year we had a pregnancy loss which was quite traumatic for us, very shortly afterwards my closest friend announced she wanted to try for another baby and found out she was pregnant again. I won’t lie, the news was particularly difficult for us to process, we were over the moon for her but devastated for us and what we went through. But anyway, after some therapy and time we worked through it and found ourselves pregnant again. We were so excited! What we didn’t bank on was how my friend reaching all her milestones before us would affect us. We are less than a couple of months apart, so she’s got her bump first, felt all the moving first, had scans first, all that stuff. Which is fine because she obviously will! But the mental health aspect was surprising on our side. We are still continuing the therapy. Anyway. Now we’ve reached the point of gender. I’ll preface this section by saying my beautiful husband always wanted a girl, apparently since he was a little boy. He has little sisters much younger than him and always pictured himself with a girl. So we go for an early gender scan and what are we told very clearly: we’re having a boy!!! I was indifferent either way, but my poor husband took it quite roughly for a day or so. He’s adjusted now, we chatted and he knows he’ll be an amazing Dad to a boy or girl, but now my friend is going for her gender scan and we just know she will have a girl. I’m so sure of it I could bet money on it. So when we find out, I’m worried about my husband. I’m worried he’ll feel like her pregnancy has always been a step ahead of ours and I’m worried he’ll have the intrusive thoughts saying she got the gender we should have had. (Which in reality he knows is completely irrational and ridiculous). He has therapy tomorrow which is incredibly good timing but I’m desperate to find a way to help him through this over the next few months of pregnancy (if we’re right). I feel sad thinking about her having her baby girl first and him seeing her and feeling disappointed we have a baby boy. I know as soon as we have our baby he will fall so deeply in love he won’t care - he’s the most sensitive and loving soul - but before our boy is here I need to find some way of helping him through this battle. What on earth do I do?

Whether you agree or not, it's literally 50/50 that she'll have a boy.

I feel sad thinking about her having her baby girl first and him seeing her and feeling disappointed we have a baby boy. I know as soon as we have our baby he will fall so deeply in love he won’t care - he’s the most sensitive and loving soul - but before our boy is here I need to find some way of helping him through this battle.

First of all, congratulations OP. I’m really sorry to read about the heartache to get where you are today. I hope you can enjoy this pregnancy, despite what your husband is experiencing atm, especially after the journey getting there. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh but I don’t think it’s fair to have to deal with this and become his therapist too while you are pregnant.

A few things: You mentioned “her having her baby girl first”. You may never have a daughter and he needs to understand this quickly. As adults, we go into pregnancy knowing the odds are about 50:50 surely so not great odds if inclined to have gender disappointment. Also, I may be wrong but I’m sure we’re slightly more likely to have the same sex in subsequent pregnancies. If he doesn’t, it’ll just put pressure on with subsequent pregnancies - if lucky enough to have more of course and if that’s what you want.

As for this being his ‘battle’, your battle was the loss you both experienced. And many have the very real battle with infertility that never actually results in a happy ending. I say this as someone who had devastating news at my 20-week scan and didn’t even think my pregnancy would be viable. There’s a chance my DC has a chromosomal abnormality so whether they have a penis or vagina is the very least of my worries and DH’s. It’s been hell. I get that you aren’t going through this but nevertheless your DH needs some perspective and I hope he falls in love with your little boy before he is born, not when he arrives. I hope the therapy helps with it. Time is usually best for these kind of things.

Prior to all this has there been any underlying issues?
This seems a very extreme reaction all the therapy and being over involved in your friends life. All of this seems very intense.
Grieving is a very tough time and you have to go through a grieving process. It isn’t normally recommended to have therapy so soon afterwards as you need to feel these emotions. I’m so sorry for your loss.

moving forward you need to back off from your friends life, it has become an obsession rather than a friendship.

You and your husband need to reflect and look at what you do have. You’re pregnant and expecting a lovely baby boy.

As someone who suffered from infertility, miscarriages and failed IVF prior to falling pregnant with our daughter you really do need to focus on what you have.
I would love another child but my daughter is nearly 6 and it doesn’t look as though we will be blessed with another. It is disappointing but there was also a time I didn’t think I would be a Mam and I love it!

There are also a few friends of mine who have never been able to conceive and my heart breaks for them.

I suggest you step away from your friend for a while and stop comparing yourself to her. Be happy with your own baby, own pregnancy and stop comparing yourself to her. She has as much chance a girl as you did, maybe she will maybe she won't. Be happy for your pregnancy op I wish you well

OP
Is this your husband who is sad, or you?

As the mother of a little boy and a little girl, it makes me sad to know that so many people don't want little boys. Little boys are absolutely wonderful. (As are little girls.)

Before I even opened this thread I knew 100% it would be disappointment at having a boy. You don’t even know what she’s having yet, and why does he care? Is it him saying these things about intrusive thoughts or is this really about you and how you’re feeling, you’re just scared to admit it? Im
not intentionally minimising feelings here and totally respect having preferences in terms of gender, but honestly beyond that it’s just irresponsible. Don’t have a child if you only want a girl.

It’s obviously her feelings she’s just masking it by saying it’s her husband

Tbh I am rather concerned that you are so focused on managing your DH's feelings.

You are having a healthy child. That is a good thing. There is no "battle" you have to support DH through "in case" your friend is having a daughter. He needs to grow up and you need to stop pussy footing around. Where is the tragedy in having a beautiful little boy that he needs "supporting through"?

Why are you both so jealous of your friend?

I’m sorry but he needs to grow up and fast.

If your friends pregnancy is ahead of yours surely she already knows the sex of her baby assuming she wants to ?

I think it's strange that you are both so hung up on your friend's baby's gender. Why would your dh care so much? He can't be that close to her to be that upset. Isn't there anyone else you know with kids? Sisters/brothers on either sides? Do they have dc? Will you be jealous of them if they have baby girls? You need to concentrate on your precious baby and your own little family , not anyone else's. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say.