Partner cheated & abandoned me while pregnant, after 9 years

[Ctlp]

My partner of 9 years (he’s 29 I’m 27) who I had plans to get married to cheated on me, lied and has now abandoned me. He’s been ignoring me for a month. I’m 15 weeks pregnant, I’m suffering with Hyperemesis in my pregnancy so I had to give up my career as I’m sick & I’m self employed. Everything was going well previously , partner promised to support us etc. He’s a high earner too.

Long story short, I found out he’s been on the dating app Feeld (maybe more), lied about his income (but he was happy to put 100% of my money into our joint pot when I go back to work) was hiding a lot of money for himself, booked a secret holiday to date other women and more. We had an an argument the day before i found out (as he was following random girls on IG again) that led to me staying at a hotel, to get away from him to protect my unborn baby. He went to his parents.

When I confronted him, he just came back to our flat with his dad, ignored me while I’m in tears, took his stuff, including the TV & air fryer, had his dad film me the entire time too like I’m a zoo animal. It was horrible. He’s also refused to put what was meant to be our joint budget into our shared account, which was meant to be for food and essentials. He’s literally whitholding money for food from me while I’m growing our child. He just told me to “claim benefits because he doesn’t need to help me”. I’ve also had to file for homelessness as we were renting a place, but I’m too sick to work and I don’t think he’ll pay the rent as he’s disappeared. I told his mum that I have no access to money for food too, and she said she’d speak to him but nothings happened.

It seems he’s happy knowing that I’m struggling, even though he hurt me?

He’s also blaming me for this whole thing too, because I raised my voice in an argument. He told my friend he’s ignoring me “because he’s too angry at me to talk to me”

It’s been 4 weeks and he’s pretty much completely ignored me. Hasn’t asked about mine or the baby’s health. No conversation. No apology. No nothing. I had a scan the other day and he didn’t show up or ask how it went.

I’m just feeling really lost, blindsighted, betrayed and just like crap. We planned to get pregnant too, so I just don’t understand any of this. There were no signs of this behaviour before, me and my family are completely shocked. He promised to always be there for me and he really wanted to be a dad. It’s like he’s erased me from his life, after almost a decade.

I just don’t know what to do? I have contacted him but he’s ignored all of my messages so I’ve stopped now. Any advice or words of wisdom welcome.

I’m terrified of becoming a single mum. My mum was one, and I just wanted my child to grow up in a healthy house with two happy parents.

Thank you

Sounds as though there’s more to this than you’re letting on. Everything was hunky dory but now he’s left and had his dad film you as he was removing belongings? Why? What do you mean you raised your voice?

4 days before this we had an argument because he was caught following random girls on Instagram, this has been a past issue. He refused to unfollow them, was gaslighting me, and argued with me about it for 4 entire days and was stressing me out with this even while I was at doctors appointments for my HG. just continuously invalidating me and prioritising his Instagram women.

On the 4th day the arguing got really bad because he refused to unfollow them, and during the argument I raised my voice. I then went to a hotel to get away from him, because he wouldn’t stop and I was worried about the stress for my baby.

There was no reason for his dad to film me, which is why I mentioned it. it was extremely intimidating. I was in tears as I just found out about everything, he was filming me while my now ex partner was completely ignoring me and taking his things.

He’s now been making out to everyone that he is the victim, because I raised my voice during an argument.

He’s proving to be very narcissistic.

He said “the reason he won’t unfollow the girls is cos I raised my voice”, then when I found out about his cheating he said “he’s so angry and can’t talk to me because I betrayed his trust by going on his computer”.

everything is a deflection and he just plays the victim. It’s crazy.

OP you need to prioritise you here - do you have family near by who can help you?

Time to write him off OP. He's a self absorbed creep who clearly doesn't give a toot about you. He won't be back.

Start planning your life as a single mum. Focus on your and your baby's health. Hopefully soon you will be able to get back to work. Build your support network around you. Get your accommodation sorted and look forward rather than back. No-one needs the hassle of a faithless partner.

I honestly think you have dodged a bullet, him leaving now, rather than just before the birth.

Being a single mother will be infinitely better for you and your child than being with him. I think you've had a very lucky escape. You can't have a rational conversation with somebody that irrational so save your energy. He's blaming you as he won't accept responsibility, it obviously isn't your fault and people will see that. HG is absolutely hideous, unless you've had it nobody quite understands so just focus on getting yourself through it and don't expect anything from him or his family.

Oh OP you poor thing.

he’s obviously made up some things and his narrative of BS has made his dad treat you like a crazy person. It’s all DARVO. He’s a cheat and he’s turned this around that you’re this angry woman scorned. It suits his agenda and he doesn’t want to reflect on his own awful behaviour.

move in with your parents and claim whatever single parent money you can

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful and has a lot of traits of abuse too (beginnings of coercive control, financial control, narcissism, gaslighting etc). I hate to say it but you might want to consider whether you actually want to have a baby with this man. Once the baby is born, he will have a lot more ways of controlling and upsetting you and he’s already revealed that he can be manipulative and downright nasty. Be careful and good luck.

This sounds so tough OP, I may get flamed for this but as you are still early in your pregnancy you still have options if you don’t want to be a single mum, as tough as that is to say. So you really
want a child with this man? X

Ah man I’d say something similar if it was 10 weeks or under but I checked and she’s 15 weeks it’s a lot of a different suggestion in terms of the process involved now. it would be surgery as in surgical abortion while being put to sleep. For an originally wanted and planned baby, that’s quite a big emotional head fuck

@Bathnet good grief, talk about victim blaming!

@Ctlp I'm so so sorry. What a horrible mam! As the others have said, I think you've dodged a bullet. He really is a creep and someone that would make you into a shadow of yourself if you stayed with him. I appreciate there's a lot of fear for going ahead but you're already showing how you can prioritise your baby. I hope you have a village of friends and family who can help you raise them xxx

I know, I’m coming to terms with everything but I’m still in shock to be honest. My family are an hours drive away. I’m trying to find a way to be able to move closer to them

Thank you. It’s terrifying but I’m slowly coming to terms with doing this alone. Thank you so much xx

He sounds like a total shit but I don't understand this "raised your voice" nonsense. Doesn't everyone raise their voice during an argument?

Exactly this. I’ve had two scans and I love my baby and I’m attached. The last time they were wriggling around on the screen and actually resembled a baby. It would break my heart

I’m worried about being tied to him for life, but I’ve already had two scans and the most recent the baby was fully formed (well it no longer resembled a blob), and I saw them wriggling around on the screen. I see how that could be deemed as the easier option, but it would honestly shatter me. But part of me wonders if he’ll even be around if this is how he’s acting now. It’s just so hard x

Exactly. He also raises his voice during arguments, it’s just ridiculous. He’s completely ignoring everything that he’s done and he said “he moved out because I can’t respect him and I shouted during the argument and cos I betrayed his trust by going on his computer” which is how I found out about his lies and cheating. It’s just insane and there’s zero accountability. He’s even said this to my own family and friends, thinking that they’ll take his side and think he’s a rational human after what he’s done to me

Thank you. I never realised it before but looking back I’ve realised there have been lots of subtle signs of abuse. For the first two weeks of this situation I even questioned if it was “that bad”, because of how he’s made me feel in the past. He also tried to mess with my head and sent me a pregnancy pillow 2 weeks ago (while ignoring my request for food money), and said I don’t appreciate anything he does, lol. Until my friend had a stern word with me and made me realise that this is far from normal and abusive. Nothing has ever been this bad though, I really feel blind-sighted.

I know, I’m just half hoping that he won’t care that much to want to be involved. Thank you x

He won’t be around and if he is around he will cause you no end of stress and hell - and how will you feel about him taking your child away and off with new women?

If you do decide to keep the baby, I’d move back to family and block him on everything, hide myself online and make sure if possible he’s not involved in babies life at all!

OP, don’t have this baby, this baby doesn’t deserve a father like that man or having no father at all, and you neither, you are young, you can have more babies down the line

I know, I had a close relationship with his parents prior. I told his mum everything that’s happened, I just don’t understand how they can overlook that and treat me poorly while I’m carrying their grandchild. They were so excited to find out we were pregnant too.

Thank you x

Honestly. He’s convinced I’m the villain. My friend confronted him with the truth and he just sent her a novel of a message saying they I’m lying (she’s seen all the proof), and just telling her how awful I am to him. It was crazy.

he and his mum have also been at the hospital with me due to my sickness. I just can’t wrap my head around that they know how bad it is and are just acting like I don’t exist.

thank you x

It’s just crazy as 5 weeks ago things were okay, and we were excited to get married and start our family. It’s hard to wrap my head around

your right, he’s made these last few weeks absolute hell so I’m sure I’ll be better off without him in the long run.

thank you x

Honestly I’m half hoping that he won’t care enough to be around. I can’t trust him enough at the moment for him to be around my baby.

I’m hoping to move soon (somehow), so he won’t have any idea where I’ve gone. Thank you x

i just don’t think I can go down that route. I’ve always wanted children and this baby was planned too. I’ve had 2 scans and the last one they were wriggling around on the screen are actually resemble a human baby. It would kill me.

I never knew my dad, but I grew up with my grandad and uncle close so I always had male figures and I don’t feel that I missed out.

It is a rubbish situation though. I trusted him and thought that I picked a good man to settle down with. Especially after 9 years

Being a single Mum is going to be infinitely better than living with a lying, cheating, controlling man and his interfering family. Filming you! Really! I’d be raising my voice as well. Please talk to your midwife about what’s happening. Make a plan to go somewhere he can’t find you.