Partner cheated & abandoned me while pregnant, after 9 years

[Ctlp]

My partner of 9 years (he’s 29 I’m 27) who I had plans to get married to cheated on me, lied and has now abandoned me. He’s been ignoring me for a month. I’m 15 weeks pregnant, I’m suffering with Hyperemesis in my pregnancy so I had to give up my career as I’m sick & I’m self employed. Everything was going well previously , partner promised to support us etc. He’s a high earner too.

Long story short, I found out he’s been on the dating app Feeld (maybe more), lied about his income (but he was happy to put 100% of my money into our joint pot when I go back to work) was hiding a lot of money for himself, booked a secret holiday to date other women and more. We had an an argument the day before i found out (as he was following random girls on IG again) that led to me staying at a hotel, to get away from him to protect my unborn baby. He went to his parents.

When I confronted him, he just came back to our flat with his dad, ignored me while I’m in tears, took his stuff, including the TV & air fryer, had his dad film me the entire time too like I’m a zoo animal. It was horrible. He’s also refused to put what was meant to be our joint budget into our shared account, which was meant to be for food and essentials. He’s literally whitholding money for food from me while I’m growing our child. He just told me to “claim benefits because he doesn’t need to help me”. I’ve also had to file for homelessness as we were renting a place, but I’m too sick to work and I don’t think he’ll pay the rent as he’s disappeared. I told his mum that I have no access to money for food too, and she said she’d speak to him but nothings happened.

It seems he’s happy knowing that I’m struggling, even though he hurt me?

He’s also blaming me for this whole thing too, because I raised my voice in an argument. He told my friend he’s ignoring me “because he’s too angry at me to talk to me”

It’s been 4 weeks and he’s pretty much completely ignored me. Hasn’t asked about mine or the baby’s health. No conversation. No apology. No nothing. I had a scan the other day and he didn’t show up or ask how it went.

I’m just feeling really lost, blindsighted, betrayed and just like crap. We planned to get pregnant too, so I just don’t understand any of this. There were no signs of this behaviour before, me and my family are completely shocked. He promised to always be there for me and he really wanted to be a dad. It’s like he’s erased me from his life, after almost a decade.

I just don’t know what to do? I have contacted him but he’s ignored all of my messages so I’ve stopped now. Any advice or words of wisdom welcome.

I’m terrified of becoming a single mum. My mum was one, and I just wanted my child to grow up in a healthy house with two happy parents.

Thank you

I know it’s hard but he and his parents have shown themselves to be appalling. So if you can you need to stop any contact and get away from him.

OP, our instinct for motherhood will push us to have babies at any opportunity, despite our personal interest or long term benefit, and it makes us believe it’s the right and only thing to do, that’s what instinct does.

Anyway, whatever your final choice, I sincerely wish you all the best

I was single during my pregnancy. You’ll be just fine!!

I am assuming you’ve applied for UC?

@Ctlp oh what a shit he is!! so are his parents! wait till you hit him with the cms coming right out of his wages!! move nearer your parents now, before you have the baby or he could object later on.

Your baby will never live in a healthy home while he is part of that home, so while I know you’d prefer it to live in a 2 parent household you have to accept that if a healthy home is more important he won’t be there. Being a single parent of course will include many challenges but your love for your baby will get you through. Practically speaking though you need to make sure you’re getting all the support you can. If you’re in the uk then you can apply for housing where your family reside so you’ll have more support. I’d also make sure you apply for any benefits asap if you haven’t already, to help you through this period.

sorry you’re going through this OP but definitely move before the baby arrives. Not sure if it’s been mentioned but make sure you give the baby YOUR name and seriously consider whether your ex goes on the birth certificate. If you’re going to be a single mum you need to make your life as easy as possible - you hope he won’t be involved but that might change once the baby arrives.

Op like you say it sounds like actually there have been lots of signs that this is who he is from the start. That means this isn’t just a weird blip, and he isn’t going to change.

So with that in mind, though this is incredibly unfair and horrible and I’m sorry you’re in this position, all you can do is make a plan forward.
You need to assume he won’t be around, and if he is around, it’s going to be to make your life difficult on purpose. If you are deciding to continue the pregnancy, do so knowing that is the case.
He doesn’t have to provide you with any money or anything unfortunately, though I imagine you could go to small claims court or something if he’s on the rental contract as well and refuses to pay, but I doubt this would be worth the stress.
He does have to pay the rent if it’s in his name only though. You do need to sign on for benefits asap. Again know you are continuing the pregnancy and unable to work without his financial support, this is so incredibly unfair for women but there’s not much you can do.
if you decide to be a single mum it’s going to be tough, but you will get through it and there will be lots of support. It’s much better than living with an abusive cheating man. Do try to move closer to your family (before the baby is born! And keep records of his abandonment) if you can and if they’re helpful and perhaps speak to your midwife for now.
don’t keep texting him, you’d be better off moving and him being unable to find you tbh, but if you don’t do this, make sure you do a cms claim asap once the baby is born to help support you both.

Oh OP, that's awful. My advice would be to move close to your family ASAP. Don't put him on the birth certificate, if he wants to grow up and be a Dad he can go to court for that. Dont contact him anymore. If you stay until the baby is born it will be harder to move and you won't have the support of your family.

You have been given lots of good advice @Ctlpand please keep posting as Mumsnet can be a wonderful source of support. I will add my thoughts.

1. Run.
2. Go back to your family.
3. Lean on your family and good friends.
4. Seek support from Women’s Aid
5. Tell your midwife everything that has happened
6. Do not under any circumstances put his name on the birth certificate
7. Do not tell him where you are
8. Give baby your surname

What an utter bastard. I'm sorry OP. I've been through very similar, nice guy throughout our 11 year relationship (although there were a couple of red flags looking back), I fell pregnant, he treated me like shit during the pregnancy and took off with another woman when our baby was a couple of months old. Along with OLD during my pregnancy.

Your partner will have got a taste of other women on OLD and enjoyed the carefreeness of it all, compared to a pregnant partner who he's arguing with. Maybe feeling guilty because he actually has physically cheated and can't deal with it all so is acting like this?

Prepare to be a single mum. Start getting everything in order now so that you don't have to organise things once you're heavily pregnant or the baby is here. Get as much help from friends and family as you can. Don't do what I did and stay in limbo throughout the pregnancy, hoping that he'd see the light and come back. It destroyed me and the first few months of my baby's life as I couldn't deal with him then not coming back snd realising that I'd been abandoned. Fuck him, concentrate on you and the baby.

All of this ^

You poor thing, he sounds awful and his family aren't much better (although you don't know what he has told them)
Unfortunately without being married you have few rights, although you should hopefully be able to get him to contribute some money for the baby.
I think you should consider whether these are the right circumstances for you to have a baby in though as you may still have options.
Either way you will be doing this alone and I hope you ahve family support

I really do hope so. Honestly it awful and so blatant, having the two of them there and icing me out was so intimidating. I thought he was filming at the time but wasn’t 100%, but then I got confirmation from the ring doorbell. It’s crazy.

I have mentioned it to them and also the doctor as I really struggling mentally and they’ve referred me for therapy. Thank you x

Seriously ?Who wouldn’t raise their voice after being treated like that ?

It’s so intimidating that I would be inclined to report it to the police on the 101 website. It’s really unusual behaviour and I can’t understand the intent behind it. Did they incriminate themselves by filming the theft of a TV and an air fryer/intimidating a vulnerable woman?

Do you want to continue the pregnancy? Have you considered your options x

I'm so sorry OP. But frankly, if he's that much of a tool you would have been a single mum with a live-in big baby who wouldn't have looked after either of you.

Have you spoken to your midwife? Even if you decide that you do want to continue, two things immediately spring to mind: one they may be able to refer for emergency grants etc, and the second is that if he's been sleeping around you may need to be tested for STIs that may harm baby.

@CtlpI’m in the exact same sort of situation and have been since the 7th May but he chucked me out the same night at 9pm without even wanting to talk. How have things been for you since? We’re the same age but my ex was nearly 31 x

Have you updated your situation. I advocate for guys who seek to have a family what it means to be a supportive partner and a father. A father should never be measured by DNA test but by his providing protection and love he shows for the child. You were early in your pregnancy and feared being alone as a single mom. I hope you found a great supportive gentleman who wanted children. A "real man" would have been 100 percent supportive to your situation and would have become a great provider for you and your innocent child

This has got to be a joke