"You don't seem maternal at all"

[Obviouslynotobviousmum]

Name changed for this. Feeling pretty flat.

It was my last day at work before breaking up for maternity leave today. I've kept my pregnancy fairly quiet and didn't "announce" it at work, just when it came up in conversation, though as I am 35 weeks now it's pretty obvious. I had a missed miscarriage in 2023 which had complications that lasted for a few months. Because of this, I've felt quite anxious with this pregnancy. A few people at work know about my miscarriage, but not many.

Someone at work, not a direct colleague; we work in different departments, said to me today that she was "really surprised when I found out you were pregnant, because you really don't seem maternal at all!".

I didn't really know what to say to that. I just laughed it off, but I found it quite hurtful. Do I give off baby hating vibes? Am I going to be a terrible mother because this relative stranger, who I've probably had about 10 work related conversations with in the last year, thinks I don't seem maternal?

How do you even seem maternal at work??

Has anyone else had any similar comments from anyone?

I know I should just brush this comment off, but it's got under my skin a little bit tbh.

I wouldn’t give it another thought, OP. People can be remarkably dopey. I doubt I mentioned my pregnancy at work, was commuting internationally until I hit 36 weeks and couldn’t fly, and I was entirely focused on trying to get a big project finished before I went on maternity leave. I’m a good mother, I’m just not some cartoon version of ‘maternal’, cooing over prams.

DS is now 12, and I couldn’t tell you which of my colleagues are or aren’t parents. In fact, someone I’ve worked closely with for two years surprised me the other day by mentioning her sons — I had no idea she had any.

Firstly congratulations 😊 secondly, ignore her, they don't know you other than at work so they don't really know how you are. I got similar because I'd always said I didn't want children and didn't really do much with my 7 nieces and nephews. However I got pregnant at 35 and I think everyone thought I'd be pretty useless tbh 😅 because I'd never came across as maternal at all. Two years later and they're all shocked at just how maternal I am😂 please don't dwell on what she said. You're whole world is going to change and I guarantee you'll be just as maternal as all the others😊

It means that person doesn't know you or your history and is tone deaf. Don't give it a second thought.

This person doesn't know you from Adam and only knows you in a professional capacity. Id take no notice and just put it down to them being a rude asshole

You are yet to be in a situation to appear maternal so how can she make this judgement?
She only knows you in a professional setting. Her remark reveals she is unable to imagine you out of your work role. This is her limitation, not yours as a potential mother.
Becoming a mum is something you have planned and are now happily anticipating.
Ignore the muppet.

Oh god I had someone say to me when they found out that I had a baby: ‘there is nothing about you that says mother, nothing’ Turns out 22 years later I am bloody great mum with a fantastic relationship with my daughters. Don’t mind them - being a good mother is absolutely nothing to do with appearing ‘maternal’ whatever the hell that means.

My brother said exactly the same thing to me, and I’m sure many others thought it. I was never one to want to hold other peoples babies, still don’t want to do that, and never did when my now 29 year old daughter was younger. Some people are so insensitive.

She doesn’t even know you so her opinion is of zero value. Fuck her what a horrible thing to say to an acquaintance.

What a remarkably stupid thing to say.

What on earth does this person know about you? Even in a work context.

Why would you come across as maternal at work anyway?

And even people who are unmaternal get pregnant and have babies.

Please don't give this halfwit any more thought.

Right?! Some people need to keep their mouths shut.

If you don't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Only non-maternal people have a notion of what “non-maternal” is. Those of us that have been through the highs and lows of parenting know it looks different in each family. Some women choose to BF, some to FF, some have the decision taken out of their hands, some will have a baby that sleeps, some will be up in the early hours googling “why won’t my baby ever sleep?”, some will wean with purée, some will do BLW, some probably somewhere in the middle, but at the end of the day most of us are all doing our best with the babies/children we have. We get it right, sometimes we don’t, but we love our children that don’t come with an instruction manual and are just trying to figure it all out as we go.
To have some pre-conceived idea of “maternal” does women a disservice. In those difficult days when you feel like you are getting it all wrong but you are just in the process of parenting, the last thing you need to feel is like you are some freak of nature without instincts that most women are born with.
IME you learn to be “maternal” whatever that looks like for your family, you aren’t born “maternal” otherwise motherhood would be a walk in the park wouldn’t it. It’s not. It can be beautiful, but it’s never easy.

What an unbelievably rude and thoughtless thing to say to a heavily pregnant woman.

Honestly I wouldn't give it another thought, a lot of people don't seem very maternal in day to day life - because that's not what they're doing at work or the person they are before they have a baby!

@Obviouslynotobviousmum I've had this - I'm awkward around kids and was very open about being happy with my life either way. Someone told me I had to be 100% desperate can't-picture-life-without-kids to be a good mother. I wasn't. Now 18 weeks and would be devastated to have a loss, but still don't coo over babies in prams. I genuinely don't think I ever will.

It's such bullshit - nobody looks at a father-to-be and says "he's not very paternal".

I think lots of people want women to be mother hens before they get pregnant. I'm not. Lots of kids (and their parents tbh) annoy me and I don't know what to do with other people's babies when they pass them around. It doesn't mean I won't want to make sure my baby is safe, warm, dry, clean, calm and fed.

Often the mother hen types can be great with babies and toddlers but hopeless with older kids and teens that’s when the really skilled parenting is needed.

Ach - don’t worry about it. I had similar as well. I think it’s because I’m good at my job and quite ambitious. People just like to put people in boxes and have a narrow image of what a “mother” looks like. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

This was said to me by someone at work when I announced my pregnancy (16 years ago!). Irony was she was a horrible, bitter person that no one liked. I think it says more about her than you!

It's incredibly rude of her but also, I'm not maternal at all but I'm an excellent mother. She's just an idiot.

I find that when someone makes a rude or, in this case, just plain stupid remark, If you say "oh, really, how do you mean, exactly" they will flounder and show themselves up. "go on, Barbara, I'm not sure what you mean". Silly woman.

Someone said it to me as well. It’s so rude and also I wonder if they’d ever say to a man who was talking paternity leave, “oh, but you don’t seem at all paternal!” Actually I don’t wonder that at all. They wouldn’t. People love to judge women.

I'd ignore it this is completely rude she doesn't know it.

I know when I was struggling around fertility I avoided baby and baby talk and didn't coo over babies in the office because it was painful. I don't know if that's the case or not but I really wouldn't waste your energy worrying about it.

Thank you for all the lovely comments. Feeling a bit brighter this morning.

I know I should just shrug her comment off completely, but deep down I am worried that I won't be a natural mother or "good enough". I am also a people pleaser and really want people to like me. This is something I've been trying to change for a while, and hopefully it's working on some level because it does seem that people love to openly give their unsolicted opinions to mothers!

I am also feeling a bit guilty for not enjoying pregnancy more and for not being more optimistic about things. I've been so anxious about anything going wrong again. I haven't been taking weekly bump pictures, haven't got a beautiful nursery set up, just a moses basket and a bedside crib. Told my friends I didn't want a baby shower. I have done some antenatal classes and been reading lots about babies, but am feeling nervous still.

So while it was just a throwaway comment from a rude and thoughtless woman, who doesn't really know me or any of the above, it really hit a nerve.

You need to be more self-centred, in the best possible sense. 'What do I feel about X?' not 'What does Y think of me, and is she right?' Stop looking sideways, look within.

I puked my way through pregnancy, so excuse me for not having glowed. I was busy with a big book project throughout, so didn't sit about nesting, knitting bootees or making lists of names. We lived in a one-bedroom London flat, so no nursery, just a sidelong cot and a Moses basket. It never even occurred to me to have a baby shower. I wasn't on social media. I'm not sure there are more than about three photos of me during pregnancy, including on my wedding day in late pregnancy. My birth ended in a CS and I never developed a milk supply, which I was very disappointed about. DS was a cranky, high-needs baby. I threw away all my baby books after he was born. My NCT group all hated one another, so we hardly saw one another after a couple of months. It took me months to realise I loved DS.

BUT I'm still a good enough mother, to my now-grumpy, beloved tween. Parenthood isn't some 'one size fits all' standardised phenomenon, and it certainly doesn't operate according to some random colleague's notion of what 'maternal' looks like. You will be a different mother because of who you are, and who your baby is, to anyone else who has ever had a child.

Don't panic. Focus on you.

I had pretty much the exact thing happen to me. It was said to me by a woman who was known for being a bit of a bitch and who liked to be Queen Bee in any situation and so at my office farewell she had to throw in a dig. I would be asking yourself what inadequacies the person who said it has inside themselves that make them deliberately say something bitchy and hurtful. In my case I just sort of laughed and asked them to elaborate on how well they thought they knew me. But tbh I knew she had form for being a cow.

In other words-m it's not you. It's that other person.

Do you mean you don't feed your colleagues milk sing them lullabies and change their bums?
I thought everybody did that at work, no?