I’m selfish

[Teenybub]

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years, finally pregnant and I’m 8 weeks. My due date happens to fall on an old friends wedding, I saw her last night and let her know that I would be unlikely to attend, this seems the best solution rather than her paying for me and DP a place for us to potentially cancel last minute. She has two children herself (one a baby) and hasn’t even sent invites out yet so I expected understanding. Realistically I see her twice a year. Her hen party is a month before and abroad, it isn’t yet booked so me dropping out isn’t costing anything.

She seemed quite cold in her response when I told her yesterday but I didn’t think too much about it until she messaged today saying I’m really selfish doing this and how I have known when her wedding and hen party would be for months. Apparently they need to change the location of the hen now because they had found a few places based on how many people were attending (but not booked) and she doesn’t understand why I couldn’t have had a couple of weeks off trying so that I could still attend both.

Im really hurt she has responded like this, she knows how hard we’ve found trying to conceive, to suggest we stopped for her wedding seems like a big ask, I just don’t know what to say or do at this point.

Wow! How utterly unreasonable she is being!!

Hold your head high, you’ve done nothing wrong and congratulations!

You couldn’t have gone with a new born either and baby could come early.. did she went to stop trying for 2 months?! Madness.

Wow OP she is not a good friend! Sounds like a selfish bitch to me. I wouldn't be attending her wedding anyway if she's that bratty. You have your baby and start putting your little family first. You are not in the wrong here. Sending you a hug x

I wouldn't even class someone like that as a friend. You are not selfish. Congratulations on your pregnancy I hope everything goes well for you xxx

She's batshit, completely batshit. I'd be ending the friendship based on this, especially if she knows how long you've been trying. What an utterly heartless response.

Ps. Congratulations 🥳!!!

Your mate is the selfish one. I would completely cut her off my life after that.

This is unreal - you’re not selfish at all! She’s essentially expecting you to put your life on hold for her when she knows how much you’ve struggled. IMO a real friend would be over the moon for you. My due date is actually the day before my best friends wedding and I was MOH, I was so worried about telling her but she was so happy, and I’m so sorry this isn’t the response you’ve gotten from your friend. Please know that this isn’t a you problem at all - please don’t feel bad and try to enjoy this moment as much as you can. Congratulations btw :)

Honestly, OP, while she’s obviously being unreasonable, I think you also jumped the gun. Your baby will almost certainly not arrive on your due date. I got married a week before my due date, and DS finally arrived via CS at 42+3. Assuming her wedding is relatively local, there’s no reason why you need to rule out your attendance at this early point. (Unless you’ve now decided, perfectly reasonably, that you think she’s awful, and you don’t want to attend anyway.)

I just feel sad that I’ve known her for so long and I’ve never seen this side to her. She came to our other friends hen party heavily pregnant but it was in this country, I don’t even think I can fly at that point.

What a bridezilla! What is it with the entitlement of some brides that think everyone else’s life should be put on hold for their wedding?!

Any real friend would be overjoyed for you.

Congratulations on your lovely news.

Bollocks to her. She’s completely overreacted. Probs thinks you’re taking the attention away from her. Congrats on the pregnancy x

It’s about an hour and half drive. She’s paying £120 a person so I thought it would be better saying no now rather than risking her wasting that money. Plus I won’t know the situation until the time, she will need final numbers before that.

She's a cunt! I can't believe a woman with her own children would have the audacity to say something like that. I had a similar situation with a friend who didn't yet have children. I was supposed to be bridesmaid and baby was literally due 5 days before her wedding date. Like you I gave notice ahead of time as she had specifically said she didn't want any children or babies at the wedding. We are on better terms since she's had her own children and sees her behaviour was batshit. But if I were in your position, the friendship would be irreparable.

Sorry but she's a fucking dick and I hope at some point she realises that and properly apologises.

The only response should have been 'I'm sad you won't be there because I love you but I'm so happy for you'.

I think I'd tell her that too. How she responds will tell you everything you need to know.

But if this is her current reaction, can you imagine how she’d react if op suddenly went into labour at the wedding, taking the attention away from her?

Your "friend" is a twat.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy! Block her (can't see her being any kind of decent friend as gives off huge main character energy!) and just enjoy your life.

It seems to be a shock to some people that their weddings are not the centre of the universe around which everything else revolves. She doesn't sound like a good friend. Congrats on your pregnancy

I was in this position with a friend’s wedding; the hen party was on my due date and the wedding a few weeks after (but a long drive away). I declined both and she was very understanding.

As it happens I was in labour on the hen party (first baby) and had a csection so wouldn’t have easily been able to travel to the wedding. I think you’re doing the right thing.

But the baby might arrive on the due date or the OP might have another complication preventing her attending. Or she might not feel up for it. If I were the friend I would rather know and not pay for the places!

Not selfish at all. You can't put your life on hold for other people. Trying to conceive for so long you'll know more than most that these things just can't be planned and it's selfish of her to have that expectation.

Weddings do crazy things to some people. Let her crack on as she is and you enjoy your pregnancy guilt free. Congratulations!

She should attend and have a few theatrical Braxton-Hicks during the vows.😀

I then you've jumped the gun a bit - I'd at least wait until the 12 week scan before dropping out of anything for obvious reasons.

If she was a close friend I might risk the wedding (if she was ok with the risk that you might but be able to make it), but for someone you see so rarely, nah!

She however is being totally and utterly bonkers.

She’s a complete idiot.

OP- she isn’t your friend. It’s life big events- the happy and the sad- that shows you who your friends are.

What a lucky escape you have had getting pregnant and missing out on this Bridezilla fest! She is a nutter. Congratulations

She's nuts. I think the right thing re the invite is to tell her you can't commit and then leave it up to her to either spend the money or not.

You may be able to attend the evening do. 1.5hr isn't too far really IMO but I did have a very fast labour with my first, three weeks early.

If you care about the friendship, I'd message back and say you're sorry she feels that way, that obviously you love her and would love to be there for her special day, but you didn't feel like it was reasonable to put your TTC on hold for the life events of others, otherwise there'd always be a reason to take a break.

I ducked out of my friend's hen do when pregnant but I arranged a special day for us instead so I still celebrated with her.

If you don't care about the friendship tell her you're mortified by her attitude towards your pregnancy and no longer interested, then block.