Pushy/ controlling mum

[Willowphelia]

This might sound bad and it's not that I don't appreciate that my mum really wants to be involved with her first grandchild. This is a much longed for baby after years of fertility treatment and will probably be our only child. But I am only 10 weeks pregnant at the moment and my mum is already being so intense and forceful about things, I'm finding it quite difficult.

For example, DH & I have decided not to find out the sex until the baby is born, partly because we want a surprise, partly because my family are quite gender-stereotyped, which really impacted me as a kid, and I want to delay the influx of pink/ blue things and would rather people buy neutral.

My mum keeps going on about this and saying she wants to know 'so that she can buy things' and asking why we don't want to find out, saying that we won't be able to resist at the 20 week scan, and if we do find out she wants to know as soon as we know, etc. She's even said 'I don't care if it's a boy, I just want a baby' 🙄 (girls are definitely more highly valued by her and if we have a girl she will go out and buy a million pink dresses).

She's also being really pushy about the name and keeps suggesting things and asking us what we are thinking of. We haven't chosen a name yet or even really discussed it, but when we do, we want it to be our decision and announce it when the child is born because we don't want opinions on it. I know that she will have very different opinions on names to us (plus she has already named 5 children!)

She's already asking me what we are going to be buying for the baby, I told her about a 'next to me' cot for the first few months and she just started going on about how unsafe they are. She's already making me feel undermined and telling me what I should be doing.

We generally have an OK relationship although we do have differences of opinion - I'm just worried that this baby will highlight our differences and we will end up arguing over it.

Is anyone else having this kind of issue with family? How do you tackle it? I do love her and I love that she's so excited, but it's all a bit much tbh.

I can and do assert myself (have had to on many occasions!) - it's just that it results in an argument. I don't want to fall out with her and really it's just that she is excited.

@deliveredbyme so your advice is 'falling out is inevitable, deal with it?'

This is my mum and she's excited about her first grandchild. I understand that and I'd rather not fall out. I just want her to tone it down.

Really sorry you're experiencing this. You need to be very blunt and set your boundaries asap. This will involve specifically bringing it up. I'd be very honest and say something like you really don't need the added stress and pressure especially at this time and the impact on the baby (unlikely but may make her think twice!). My mum is also already trying to get quite involved (not to the same level as yours seems to) about decisions and I've had to be quite upfront with boundaries. I've also pointed out to her how other family members are not asking us/telling us to do things like that and letting us enjoy this time. She does seem to have backed off a bit but I know she'll be back on about something else soon, and I'll have to remind her again. It does come from a place of love but it really isn't helpful. If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up 1:1, maybe do it with your partner or another close family member there who you know will support you, especially if you have already tried 1:1. Don't worry if she says anything about showing her up infront of others etc, you can explain why you needed to. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I know that she will have very different opinions on names to us (plus she has already named 5 children!) whos children did she name then if this is her first grandchild. If you don't want to fall out just listen to what she says nod your head but don't do it.

I know that she will have very different opinions on names to us (plus she has already named 5 children!)

Does your mum have 5 children? If so, then I can see why she feels ‘qualified’ to give you advice, albeit overbearing.

Set boundaries is definitely the way forward.

@strawberrylaces12 Thanks for the thoughtful reply and sorry you're experiencing similar!

I think you are right and we're going to have to have a conversation at some point. This pregnancy is so special for me and my DH and it may well be our only go at this, so it feels really important that we're able to do things our way.

Good idea to point out other family members behaviour too. My DH's family are not behaving this way, they are super excited for us as well, but nowhere near as pushy or inquisitive.

@Iloveeverycat her own children

Well it depends if you're eventually going to want her as childcare lol
Or if she's normally empathetic and nice and is just excited.

If she's always been overbearing, critical and potentially narcissistic and has had fallings out within the family, then you need to tread with caution and accept that your rship is going to have to change..

'Aw mum, we want it all to be a surprise, so buy some stuff in yellow, green or white. There's some cute bits in Sainsbury's. I know you will choose something lovely as you have great taste.'

'I'm not sure about names yet, I want to wait and see what their little face looks like, then me and DH will just know what to call them. Thanks for the ideas, though. What are you up to this weekend?'

'I'm probably going to go shopping for baby stuff much later on as I don't want it to be bad luck/ We've decided on the NextToMe, but how about you come pram shopping with me/come to mothercare for a mooch'

If you know its coning from a good place, you kinda just have to let people have their opinions, whilst knowing you're going to ignore them when the time comes. People just like to share what they did. It doesn't need to be an argument unless they push back once you've decided

@Willowphelia unfortunately even with a good chat and boundaries being set I think you are in for a rough ride.
I found out I was having a boy ( didn't do a gender reveal party as I hate them) and my MIL was so visibly disappointed it upset me so much. She would constantly look at girls clothes etc when we were out together. She also hated the band we chose and threw a tantrum about it.

Her daughter announced she was pregnant 3 months after me. I was then literally pushed out and everything was about her. She did have a gender reveal and MIL screamed and cried and threw her arms round her when the pink confetti went everywhere. She absolutely loved the name they chose and kept going on how pretty it was.

Even now I still see the favouritism although she likes to play the proud grandmother will put on a show.

I've learnt to take a step back from my relationship with her and focus on me and my son and it works for us. I let my partner deal with her!

You sound like you have a good handle on her behaviour, you sound like you love her. She won’t change, change is something she has to want to do herself so you need to focus on how you deal with her. I would

1. be limited in the information I give her
2. be more superficial with her
3. reduce time talking about the topics that trigger these negative feelings for you by changing the topic, distraction and finally refusing to discuss them if they come up and finally if the others don’t work
4. reduce time in her company/speaking on the phone - if you aren’t speaking with her she can’t do these behaviours.

She means well but she has her issues same as the rest of us, just don’t deal with her the same way you’d deal with someone who doesn’t have those issues.

@Babycatsmummy Ugh that sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry you had that experience with your MIL!

It's like it's all about them isn't it - not really about the children at all? I also hate gender reveals. I think my mum wants a little girl to dress in pink so she can post photos on social media and get lots of likes from her friends and as you say, be the proud grandma.

That's all OK but what if the little girl doesn't like pink? 🙄 It totally puts them in a box from the get-go.

I have always felt like my mum doesn't know the real me, but imagines who she wants me to be in her own self image. She's always tried to get me to wear more jewellery, make up, dresses, etc. and it's just not me. I'm so worried she will project that onto my child and I already feel like I need to protect them from that.

(You may be able to tell this is the echo of my own childhood - it is a big worry for me and actually makes me hope we have a boy!)

Thanks @Yellowseat Luckily she lives quite a long way away, so it's not too hard to distance a bit. It's just stressful when we do talk, as it's all she can talk about at the moment. I think she will want to become a lot more involved in our lives than she has been - which is difficult in itself as there are reasons why I moved away!
Thank you for the helpful tips x

Presumably her own children? It is possible to have multiple children and no grandchildren you know?

Just keep reinforcing what you are going to do/not going to do. If you haven't decided things, tell her you'll let her know when your decision is made. Also maybe hint that things change all the time with babies and you will be following latest advice......

Regarding the names, you pick 2 of the most bizzare girl and boy names (you know the type that are not really human names). And you tell her you have your heart set on [cushion] for a girl, and [candle] for a boy. And then if she goes off on one, you take her advice on board, listen to the names she wants and say - gosh they’re all so lovely, I’ll have to think about that. And then when she wants an update, just rotate between all of them 😂

You can either get mad, or get even.

Regarding the gender, you tell her you’re convinced it’s a boy, and DH is convinced it’s a girl. I wouldn’t entertain anything beyond that.

@Willowphelia when you go for your scan tell the operator that you dont want to know the gender whenever you go in the room!! your mum will have to wait but make sure she does not get into the delivery room. try to tone down what you tell her and make out like you dont know everything yet. this would annoy the shit out of me and I am a granny!

@JustMyView13 dd1 had her first baby last year and I was visiting her when she was about 8/9 weeks pregnant. They started discussing baby names and dd1 said she liked 'x' for a boy and her dh said he liked it. It was a very unique name and I'm very grateful they had a girl! I did voice my opinion and sil immediately said it was up to them which of course it is.

Funnily enough, that’s how I felt when I found out I was having a boy. Kind of like the relationship I would develop with him could be free to any expectations to “correct” or “make up for” my relationship with my own mother, which by all means wasn’t terrible, but has definitely impacted me in some way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope your mother backs off!

“Mother, if you keep behaving like this I won’t let you know this baby. Just think about that. Stop pushing me, stop undermining me and back off.”

Can’t comment on how to handle it but can say if your next to me if set up properly it’s the best thing ever! I had a c section and couldn’t of managed without it x