Pushy/ controlling mum

[Willowphelia]

This might sound bad and it's not that I don't appreciate that my mum really wants to be involved with her first grandchild. This is a much longed for baby after years of fertility treatment and will probably be our only child. But I am only 10 weeks pregnant at the moment and my mum is already being so intense and forceful about things, I'm finding it quite difficult.

For example, DH & I have decided not to find out the sex until the baby is born, partly because we want a surprise, partly because my family are quite gender-stereotyped, which really impacted me as a kid, and I want to delay the influx of pink/ blue things and would rather people buy neutral.

My mum keeps going on about this and saying she wants to know 'so that she can buy things' and asking why we don't want to find out, saying that we won't be able to resist at the 20 week scan, and if we do find out she wants to know as soon as we know, etc. She's even said 'I don't care if it's a boy, I just want a baby' 🙄 (girls are definitely more highly valued by her and if we have a girl she will go out and buy a million pink dresses).

She's also being really pushy about the name and keeps suggesting things and asking us what we are thinking of. We haven't chosen a name yet or even really discussed it, but when we do, we want it to be our decision and announce it when the child is born because we don't want opinions on it. I know that she will have very different opinions on names to us (plus she has already named 5 children!)

She's already asking me what we are going to be buying for the baby, I told her about a 'next to me' cot for the first few months and she just started going on about how unsafe they are. She's already making me feel undermined and telling me what I should be doing.

We generally have an OK relationship although we do have differences of opinion - I'm just worried that this baby will highlight our differences and we will end up arguing over it.

Is anyone else having this kind of issue with family? How do you tackle it? I do love her and I love that she's so excited, but it's all a bit much tbh.

An information diet! Be vague,"oh well haven't decided yet. Lots of options". If she criticizes your decisions, say something neutral. "That's certainly an option mum. Thanks for sharing." Ultimately this is your baby, not hers and there maybe needs to be a more difficult conversation at some point. Do not let her visit you and stay at your house once you've given birth!!! She will undermine you, perhaps without meaning to. I am a grandma and the hardest thing I've had to do, is shut up! I don't offer advice unless I'm asked and I never criticise my DD and Dsils parenting. Good luck

My mother was like this ..... distance is key lol

When she's saying she needs to know so she can buy things; just say you're okay for things thank you BUT you've seen a nice "neutral thing in whatever shop" and she could get that if she wants?

When she's asking about names; just say you and DH are still discussing but you'll announce it when the baby is born. (I did this with my 2nd child and after a few times of her asking - she stopped because the same answer carried on coming from me)

Don't tell her what you're buying. If you want a next to me crib - get one! (They're great btw! Ha)

If she's giving unsolicited advice just be blunt - "mum I didn't ask your opinion did I? You had your chance raising children and making decisions this is my chance now"

Sometimes you need to enforce the boundaries sooner rather than later for your own sanity.
I started this when I was pregnant and they are still pushing 3 years later - but I always push back and it's becoming less and less now because they're aware of MY boundaries. They're not happy about it but ultimately it's my choice, my child.

My mum was identical to this, I honestly could have written your post. I found it exhausting. But fast forward and my mum passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 2 years ago. Only now can I look back and properly see that it was simply her being super excited about her first grandchild. I don't have any specific advice but I guess if I had my time again, I would have rolled with it and not let it get to me and tried to embrace her excitement

insist to your mum that as in the circumstances it really doesn’t matter what you are having you would rather have surprise and wait to meet your baby before naming them. However have a think and see if you can distract he with tasks regarding things you need but don’t maybe have strong feelings on and get her to research baby monitors or similar

I would just tell her that you are so glad that she is so excited and you will let her know the gender as soon as you know.

With the names tell her that you want to see the baby before you pick a name. Ask her to give you her top 10 girl and boy names because it might be helpful when the time comes.

I just let people give their opinions smile, say oh ill do a bit of research on that or thanks for letting me know ill dicuss it with the MW, then do exactly what I wanted to do in the first place.

I had 7 years of fertility treatment. I had several pregnancies that didn't make it past 12 weeks. My mum and MIL were so excited when I got to 20 weeks. Unfortunately, I was a bag full of anxiety and I just couldn't enjoy the pregnancy. I banned everyone from buying anything. I probably ruined it for them.

Aaah she's just being excited. I would be more upset if she ignored it! Agree maybe she could tone it down a little but she's not going to do this unless you tell her but be careful what you say as you could really hurt her too

Something like ' Mum , I know you care but just now we just want to go one day at a time and really don't want to talk about it. Thank you so much for your understanding. ' is what needs to be said firmly, most preferably when you and DH are both present. End of subject.