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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner just found out and freaking out massively

26 replies

Me345 · 07/01/2025 19:03

So I told him I am pregnant and it’s unplanned and he is just such a lovely person however he has said that he doesn’t even know if he wants kids and certainly not now and he isn’t sure he would be able to talk to me if I keep the baby. I think he is spiralling and not sure he can handle it. I’m in turmoil because one half of me is like I could do this alone (already have a child so not my first go) I’m also 39 this year and had an ectopic before so only have one fallopian tube so feel very privileged to have even got pregnant anyway, but the other half of me really doesn’t want to lose him ( I don’t know how long it will last because who knows how anything will but I love it how it is at the moment) and also scared as hell of giving birth as last time was no dream. Anyway my question is has anybody’s partner said similar when they first found out but come round in the end because they aren’t arseholes, they just scared?

OP posts:
caterpillarteacup · 07/01/2025 19:47

Putting him aside for a moment. How do you feel about the pregnancy? Do you want another baby?
He sounds very immature and not that nice tbh. Yes maybe he is scared but it doesn't seem like he has thought about how any of this is making you feel.

pikkumyy77 · 07/01/2025 19:48

No advice just a big hug.

GreetingCeridwen · 07/01/2025 19:52

Me345 · 07/01/2025 19:03

So I told him I am pregnant and it’s unplanned and he is just such a lovely person however he has said that he doesn’t even know if he wants kids and certainly not now and he isn’t sure he would be able to talk to me if I keep the baby. I think he is spiralling and not sure he can handle it. I’m in turmoil because one half of me is like I could do this alone (already have a child so not my first go) I’m also 39 this year and had an ectopic before so only have one fallopian tube so feel very privileged to have even got pregnant anyway, but the other half of me really doesn’t want to lose him ( I don’t know how long it will last because who knows how anything will but I love it how it is at the moment) and also scared as hell of giving birth as last time was no dream. Anyway my question is has anybody’s partner said similar when they first found out but come round in the end because they aren’t arseholes, they just scared?

So sorry, OP. This sounds really difficult and upsetting for you. I can't imagine this is much help, but fwiw, I sort of feel like the person you really are is the person you are when times are hard. And if I'm right about that, he's not a good person. It's entirely unfair of him to expect you to shoulder his freak out as well as your own emotions at a time like this. Maybe he will come round, maybe he won't. But even if he does I would be wondering how he would react in other tough situations later on - and tough stuff happens raising kids, right? I think you need to centre your own feelings on this and make your decisions based on that. I would be taking anything he says, good or bad, with a pinch of salt.

minipie · 07/01/2025 19:55

If you want to have a baby, keep the pregnancy. Having a termination of a wanted pregnancy to keep a man will just make you resent him and you’ll end up with no man and no baby.

However, if you don’t want to have a baby, don’t. Don’t be influenced by feeling like it was lucky you got pregnant given age/tubes. The fact it may have been harder biologically for you to conceive doesn’t mean it’s what you want.

I agree he’s spiralling and I wouldn’t judge him too harshly on his initial response, it’s a shock. However he needs to get with the programme pretty quickly. He’s (I presume) 30+, not 16. The only acceptable standpoint is “I will support whatever you decide”.

Viviennemary · 07/01/2025 19:56

Hopefully he is just having a panic because it's unexpected. On tne other hand his words are pretty harsh 'doesn't know if he'll be able to speak to you?? Wtf. It's not very promising for the future.

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 20:10

Another thing you need to consider is the impact on a hypothetical future child of having a father that didn't want them. I know that's not a popular thing to say, but you have a responsibility to any child to attempt to give them the best father you can with the information you have at the time - lots of people have good partners who turn out to be shit dad's, and that cant be helped, but can you live with a scenario where this man has a negative impact on this child's life, long past your potential involvement with this man (which would realistically stop at 18 years) when you will have known that's likely to be the case from the start? You aren't responsible for how he is as a father, but you do have the power to choose who is the father to your child.

jhar · 07/01/2025 20:17

How old is he?

Focus on you.

Seems a very extreme reaction.

Could you manage with him as separated parents?

But ultimately, what do you want.

Diomi · 07/01/2025 20:42

The thing that would bother me a lot is that he has said he definitely doesn’t want kids now, not that he definitely never wants kids. As you are 39 that is basically saying he doesn’t see himself having kids with you. Based on that I wouldn’t count on the relationship lasting whatever you decide to do. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but it is such an important decision you need consider all scenarios.

Alternatively, he could just be panicking from the shock and he will be more supportive once he gets more used to it.

Jk987 · 07/01/2025 20:42

Are you a new couple? Has he got children already?

It's odd that he's shocked - was it a contraception fail?

gamerchick · 07/01/2025 20:45

If you terminate a wanted pregnancy for a bloke, you'll not stay with him anyway OP. It'll fester and you'll end up resentful.

If he didn't want to get you pregnant was he wearing condoms? Boggles my head when men throw a tantrum when the inevitable happens.

Onlyvisiting · 07/01/2025 20:46

Him being in shock is fine.
Him saying he doesn't know if he could speak to you again if you don't have an abortion is shitty and manipulative and I don't think I could forgive it.
What birth control method were you using? He is an adult man, presumably he is aware of how babies are made, if he feels that strongly against a child it should have come up before now if you are sleeping together. Especially if you are using anything less than 2 types of protection.

If you are in any doubt then I suspect ditching the man would give you fewer long term regrets than ending the pregnancy.

Original poster
Me345 · 07/01/2025 21:12

He is 32 and no he doesn’t have kids. It is a relatively new relationship (6 months) but I have known him for 7 years. It was a contraception fail. I am on the pill. I was sick over Christmas though so I think that might be my problem. My daughter’s dad I was with for 10 years and he left me when I was pregnant and has nothing to do with her at all she is 6. So I know very well about the issues caused to children when their dads don’t want them. I would love another baby but I’m just not sure how that looks for me because of the fear of labour from my last and probably the trauma of being left pregnant and doing it all alone. If someone just handed me this baby and I didn’t have to go through the 9 months (as I hated being pregnant last time) and the labour I’d be all in so if I took him completely out of the equation that is my only apprehension. If I had a termination I definitely agree it would be the end of us and if I carry on I think it will be the end of us. I suppose I’ve just got used to him being around and we get on so well and dating is bloody hard these days so it’s not always easy to find someone that you click with, so I’m also not really ready to say goodbye to him. My head is just a bit all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
GreetingCeridwen · 07/01/2025 21:19

Do you have other support around you, OP? Even just someone you could use as a sounding board to work through the past trauma you mention? A part of me is itching to point out that if he wasn't using condoms as well as relying on your pill then this was always a potential outcome. But that's unhelpful of me, I know.

You sound lovely, and I hope it all works out well for you.

Original poster
Me345 · 07/01/2025 21:25

Thanks, he has never asked me about contraception once let alone offered a condom. When I told him he said to me “I assumed you was on something” which obviously I was but he never actually confirmed that with me and then he went on to say, I’ve never known anyone get pregnant on the pill. I said you obviously haven’t really paid attention or people probably never told you because it happens all the time.

yeah I’m really close with my family but I haven’t mentioned this to them because they will hate him straight away and then even if he does turn out to be fine they will still hate him, my best friend I have told but it’s hard for her to understand any of this as she has 3 kids and they were all very much planned and wanted with her fiancé so she has never experienced getting pregnant and not feeling anything but joy

OP posts:
Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman · 07/01/2025 21:25

Hi OP big hug you sound such a lovely considerate person. I agree with others you must do what is best for you assuming he won’t be around either way. I just wanted to pick up on your worries around labour and pregnancy. If you struggled in labour last time you could have an elective c section this time. Also who could support you in real life eg friends relatives who would be your birth partner.

He may come round I know one guy who did and is now a great dad. He also might not. Plan around what you feel and need.

I wish you well whatever you decide.💐💐

Carsarelife · 07/01/2025 21:28

Been there and kept the baby. The baby is now 10. I was 42 when I gave birth. No regrets. No man but zero regrets

stanleypops66 · 07/01/2025 21:32

I mean he sounds really immature. Not even asking about contraception!

I think either way you'll be doing this on your own.

Original poster
Me345 · 07/01/2025 21:34

Yeah I have a list of people that would want to be my birthing partner, last time my mum and sister were with me so I have no worries there. I was in labour for 60 hours last time and at one point I was crying asking them to please just cut her out but they wouldn’t they said only I was in distress not her, I was so tired. Then they rushed me in last minute for an emergency c section because they lost her heart beat but they managed to get her out without having to do that anyway in the end but it was just not a great experience. Then I had to stay in for a week and they put me in a room which was usually used for birthing so they kept forgetting I was in there and didn’t bring me food or water, I had to keep going out and asking for stuff. They also tried to say I was having an mental episode because I was really hot and felt weird and complaining of an ear ache and they just wouldn’t listen to me thought I was having some kind of break down, they kept saying I can’t have an earache because I was on antibiotics but after they got a doctor to check and sure enough I had an ear infection and I had low iron but nobody explained that would make me feel weird they just tried to cart me off to the mental health unit. I went after for a labour debrief and they apologised for all the wrong doings that happened and tried to give excuses about short staffing and stuff but obviously it has had an effect.

OP posts:
thecatdidit · 07/01/2025 21:42

I'd like to reassure you that just because the first pregnancy and child birth was traumatic (sounds horrific, no wonder you're panicking) it doesn't mean it will happen again.
My first experience of childbirth was excruciating and painful, the subsequent ones were a dream/breeze in comparison.

I think your relationship is doomed. In your shoes I'd choose the baby over the partner.

GreetingCeridwen · 07/01/2025 21:45

I'm so sorry. I've never got as far as giving birth so I can't really offer anything other than my sympathy that the first time was so traumatic for you, and my hopes that any second time will be better.

Original poster
Me345 · 07/01/2025 21:52

Yeah I think you are right too, the relationship is doomed and I shouldn’t put him in the equation at all and I mean I’ve got over worse, my ex left me after 10 years when I was pregnant and it took me ages to get over him but I did. So it won’t be a problem to get over this 6 monther, I def should choose the baby over him and my daughter will be sooo happy she has been asking for a little person in the house to play with for years. She asks me all the time when I’m making her a baby. I just need to get my head round the pregnancy and labour so thanks for your reassurances about the second not being as bad. The first time I was so cocky I couldn’t wait to go into labour because I was my sisters birthing partner and I really wanted to experience it but now I know I’m like ahhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 07/01/2025 22:10

OP, gentle congratulations. If you want this baby, your relationship will not survive an abortion so bear that in mind when you are deciding.

Put yourself first. I had a termination when I was pressured into it and it was emotional turmoil (I'm totally pro choice but just saying that for me it was absolutely traumatic) - my relationship did not survive and I highly doubt yours will.

You may need to just give it time, you may need to make it clear that you are keeping the baby (if that's what you decide) and see if he changes his mind, but don't make any rash decisions based on his inability to cope.

Big hug OP

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/01/2025 22:11

You could probably request a planned c/section especially as you have already had one.

His reaction is very immature and it's shocking that he never checked about contraception!

I'd keep the baby and ditch the man, if he doesn't come around and support you meaningfully.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/01/2025 23:04

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 20:10

Another thing you need to consider is the impact on a hypothetical future child of having a father that didn't want them. I know that's not a popular thing to say, but you have a responsibility to any child to attempt to give them the best father you can with the information you have at the time - lots of people have good partners who turn out to be shit dad's, and that cant be helped, but can you live with a scenario where this man has a negative impact on this child's life, long past your potential involvement with this man (which would realistically stop at 18 years) when you will have known that's likely to be the case from the start? You aren't responsible for how he is as a father, but you do have the power to choose who is the father to your child.

This. It is unfair to produce a human being into disadvantaged circumstances, including without two enthusiastic parents who really want the pregnancy. It just perpetuates so many social ills and emotional difficulties.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/01/2025 23:20

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/01/2025 23:04

This. It is unfair to produce a human being into disadvantaged circumstances, including without two enthusiastic parents who really want the pregnancy. It just perpetuates so many social ills and emotional difficulties.

Show quote history

That's not a reason to terminate! And not a pleasant comment relating to single parents either!