6 weeks pregnant and don't know what to do, please help.

[Chaoticgarden]

I found out I was pregnant on Christmas Eve, I am 40, have never been pregnant and have no children.

I have only been with the father for about 5 months. We get on really well and he's a lovely person, but I am not far along in this relationship to know if it will develop into something long term. I was in a pretty abusive relationship about 2 years ago and it has taken me a lot of time to recover, so I am pretty cautious and was happy taking things slowly.

So far, I have known about this pregnancy for 2 weeks and they have been awful. I have been a complete mess. At first I decided "ok this has happened I best get on board", but as time has gone on I just think "Oh God I really don't need this right now".

I own a home that my ex lives in and we are trying to sell it and still haven't cleared up legal issues (to do with the house not between us - long story), so legal fees are still likely to be a thing.

My current SO is lovely, but a) I am not ready to move in with anyone or commit heavily yet and b) He is not financially stable enough for a child.

I earn about 65k a year in my job, and he earns about 28k so there is a huge gap. We had both planned to save like crazy at first and could probably get around 20k together, but we'd have to rent a place together which would be expensive, and this would probably destroy my plan to buy a new house once my current one is sold.

At the moment I am living in a house share alongside my sister and our landlord as a stop gap (it works well for me and gives me plenty of saving power) and SO is living with his mother after moving to England from South Africa a year ago.

I've never been a hugely maternal person to be honest, always been on the fence about having kids, I did grieve not having kids at one point but I feel like i'm over it and I like the idea of weekend breaks and having a dog and the ability to have a better quality of life.

I cannot fathom how we'll cope when I lose my income on maternity leave, the idea of it scares the living daylights out of me, I have never not worked ever since i was 17 and i've always been career focused. I am prone to depression and feel like i would absolutely spiral trapped in a house looking after a screaming child and having to give up all my future plans for a nice place of my own and then having to pay thousands in childcare (my parents are elderly and have basically said they can't help and their response has been "meh, it's your life").

The father (SO) is convinced this can work and we can keep it and be really happy. I am feeling trapped and panicked, I'd probably do it in different circumstances if I had a house and a more established relationship, but right now? I just can't see how this is going to work. SO is happy to get a second job and has already started selling things and signed up to do Uber deliveries but I hardly know him, I feel like relying on him makes me feel incredibly unsafe and at risk especially if i'm losing financial independence. I feel like a baby doesn't deserve a stressed out mother and someone who is ambivalent about even wanting a child, but at the same time perhaps this is my last chance at ever having kids... and what if I regret it?

I just have no idea what to do and I am in SUCH a mess. I'd be interested to know what people think and whether i am making a big deal about nothing, I honestly just don't want to deal with tons of financial hardship and stress after working so hard to set myself up in life. I've already had the house I saved up for taken over by my ex after he was abusive, and I now feel like this will destroy any plans I have for myself in the future, but I am also aware it could be amazing.

Any advice or personal experience would be helpful to me.

Such a tricky situation. I guess it's thinking in 10 years if you look back, what might you think? If you're not bothered about having children at all then fair enough but if you do want them at some point then it may be worth thinking about keeping it because often people struggle to conceive as they get older. It's rare that there is ever a completely 'right' time, but I appreciate that this is not what you expected/planned.

Sorry if I missed this but do you have some friends who have children and some that don't? If they're close enough friends then perhaps chat through the pros and cons.

Not an easy decision but I hope you come to one that sits best with you 😊

Only you can know what is right or wrong in your situation OP but at 40, I'd be thinking this could be my last chance to be a mum if that's something you want for yourself.

The timing is rarely perfect.

I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for almost 15 years with no kids (he had 2 sons from a previous marriage). Months after that finally ended (badly - he put me in hospital) I went on a few dates with an old acquaintance and ended up falling pregnant within the first 2 months of us seeing each other - I was 37, technically homeless and back at my parents, still married to my ex and had just started divorce proceedings, I was recovering physically and on the sick from work, and there was a criminal case ongoing in relation to it all.
Definitely not the ideal time to be getting pregnant with a new partner!

I remember feeling so overwhelmed and panicked about everything - I'd never even thought about having kids of my own.

Fast forward 5 years and DD1 is now 4.5yo, we are married now and I'm 28 weeks pregnant with DD2. I wouldn't change any of it.
Funny how life turns out!

The father (SO) is convinced this can work and we can keep it and be really happy

I'd take this with a massive pinch of salt to be honest. Talk is cheap. You're the mother...men can walk away at any time and often do....you're the one who will be doing the vast majority of the parenting for the next two decades. It's your body, your decision.

Nothing in your post convinces me you want this baby or feel positive about it - and that's ok. With any pregnancy it isn't unusual to feel a little overwhelmed and anxious but I am just hearing it's a place you don't want to be in.

Just have the abortion and don't feel guilty.

Well this is exactly how I feel. I don't think he would do that personally, but what's my opinion worth exactly? I am getting a bit annoyed with him being so relentlessly positive about the situation, especially given that it would give him a massive life upgrade and me a massive life downgrade if i'm quite honest - that's how I see it anyway. I'd lose income for at least 9 months then be saddled with insane childcare costs.

He is convinced that the 30 hours of free childcare would save us, but it's not really free and would still cost a fortune.

I've spent the day considering the options because I do feel that maybe I want to keep it but i'm mostly of the view that I just can't take this financial hit. There's also being tied up with someone who I don't know that well - it could be amazing who knows, but it could also be a shit life that I don't want and it's not like you can reverse it and say "i've changed my mind". I really enjoy just doing what i want and spending my money on what I want right now, I have no idea how I'd afford it - all I see is people saying "we make it work".

The only thing stopping me is the idea that I did want a kid at one point in my life and maybe I should, but "maybe" isn't a reason to go ahead.

It sounds as if your current financial issues will resolve as far as your house is concerned- will you get enough from that to house you again?
The bigger question is whether you actually want children at all. Financial issues can be overcome, but getting pregnant and carrying a child to term once you are over 40 will be increasingly unlikely. How will SO react if you terminate this pregnancy? Will he end the relationship? Would he say “ let’s try again in a year when things are more settled?” If you do want dc but just not now, would you have to build in time to meet and establish a relationship with someone else?
Or had you decided not to have DC and are now being swayed by SO’s enthusiasm?
He sounds great, but who knows how it will pan out with him? As another poster said, bottom line is that you could be left the one left holding the baby.
It’s a difficult choice with such a new relationship.

I planned my pregnancy and tried for a year before falling pregnant, I still had this overwhelming feeling of what have I done, am I ready, can I actually do this? It’s normal in a planned pregnancy and so it’s definitely not out of place in an unplanned pregnancy. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

I’m not very maternal either but I do (mostly) love being a mum. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy or the baby stage but once I went back to work it was much better.

I personally think it’s better to regret not having a child than regret having one. It’s a big change to your life for something that you are fairly ambivalent about. You don’t need to go ahead with the pregnancy if that’s what works for you. It doesn’t really matter what your partner thinks because it’s not his body that goes through pregnancy and child birth and he can walk away a lot easier than you will be able to.

How would you feel if the baby had additional needs? How would you feel if the relationship with your partner fizzles out? Can you do it alone? Do you want to? It’s only something you can answer really but these are things I would be taking into consideration with your age and the length of your relationship.

In this case, I think you should make your decision based on the idea that you'll be a single mum. He might step up and end up being a brilliant dad...he might not. You don't know him well enough to know.

I'm the higher earner and fully understand your fears. Different situation in that we were more established and DH was a bit more self sufficient than yours - he also earned more - but the income knock felt tough, even though we were far from the breadline (not to sound boastful about that at all, but any drop in income especially if you're used to a good standard of living in tricky!)

I'd settled on not having children and then it happened and we went for it. I love them, obviously, but there are times I mourn my previous life and I think I'd have been happy had I not had them too. You can be happy and fulfilled without them.

I had an abortion a long time ago and it was absolutely right for me at that time and I haven't once regretted it. I hardly even think about it, cold as that sounds. I'd have been trapped in a horrible life had I continued at that time and it wouldn't have been right for me or the baby.

It does sound like you don't want to go ahead and your reasons - not that you need them - are all fully valid and sensible reasons. It's OK to decide this isn't for you, and that's nobody else's decision to make but yours.

I'm not a natural advocate of lying, but he doesn't even need to know. The relationship I was in when I had the abortion was abusive and he was very pushy to go ahead with the pregnancy. I just let him believe I was miscarrying, and got out of the relationship as quickly as I could after that (via a womens aid hostel in the end due to the abuse). I truly believe if I'd told him the truth, he'd have seriously hurt me, if not worse. Not saying your situation is remotely near this, but what you do or don't tell him is again your choice to make.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, whatever choice you make will be the right one in the end x

Just about everything that you have written is just white noise,.Housing, finances, relationships all change and tend to work themselves out eventually.

The only thing that matters is "do you want to be a mum?" Approach it from the POV that you will be a single parent regardless of whatever SO intends relationships breakdown, people get ill or die. If you were on your own would you want the baby?

I found out I was pregnant at 22, similarly tricky circumstances but I knew on looking at the positive test that I wanted that baby. That if I got to 35 with no career but a child that I would be happy. That if I got to 35 with a fantastic career but no child / infertility I would be terribly unhappy. As it was ofcourse, at 35 I had a career and a 12 year old, and a home I owned outright (inheritance) and things worked out just fine. But I knew what I wanted and I knew I could do it alone.

In your instance as you aren't in a long-term relationship, I would end the relationship but with the intention of living apart but parenting together. Take the romance off the table. Done well and with limited animosity co-parenting can work brilliantly.

No I don't.
If I was in an established relationship with someone I was crazy about and had a house with them then I think I would feel different.

But all things considered, I'll have to move to a new rented house whilst pregnant, with someone i've never lived with before, rent is sky high (renting a room right now is so much better for me while I sort out the old house and get it sold) and then there is the idea of taking time off my job to look after a baby.

It's quite possible that I'll give birth and think wow, this is amazing, but it's also pretty possible i'll have post partum depression (i've suffered depression before and i'm one of lifes worriers).

There's also a huge fear of having a child that had additional needs for example - and that happens to a lot of people, not necessarily anything severe but you can't plan to have a child and think oh it's fine they will just go to nursery and no problems - what if they have a condition that means they can't? Plus how will i afford nursery? He seems to think that 30 hours of childcare will save us but it won't. It'll still cost a fortune. He seems to have a very positive and idealistic view painted and i have a view of all the things that could go wrong.

I don't want to end up being a single mother either or co-parenting, it's not a choice i'd make and there is no guarantee that won't happen after such a short time with someone.

I just don't have that certainty.
I looked at the test and I was like "you have to be shitting me". I took another one and I was convinced it was wrong.

I told SO and he immediately wanted to come over, to be honest he has been amazing and nothing has been too much trouble but I have felt suffocated and needed time alone to think about it. I've also gone off him since I found out but i don't know if that's just hormones.

I've always been about my career, I am not looking to climb to crazy heights i just want a good enough job to have a very comfortable life. I can't see how i can have that with a child - the childcare alone looks oustandingly expensive.

If you aren't certain then don't, there's no shame in not going through with it. It's such early days you can just tell SO that you had a miscarriage if you don't want to tell him you had an abortion. But I would expect the relationship to be over now, clearly he wants to be with someone who has a child with him.

On the other hand, Childcare doesn't last forever, baby's, turn into children and children into teens. You get to experience life through their eyes which can be lovely, and there are real pros and cons, I spend my Sundays in the winter stood on the sidelines of a rugby field which isnt how I would normally choose to spend my time although it's lovely to see DD playing. We share a love of theatre and going to museums and galleries which is great and a DD and I get on brilliantly but that is not the case for everyone and I think the fact it's always been the two of us has helped with that. One is easier than multiples, I'm glad I've had the chance to experience parenting and although it's never really over I've viewed it like an 18 year experience and have enjoyed it but once is quite enough.

I'm guessing you're in the UK OP? If so then we are very fortunate to have the ability to make this choice. Others aren't in that position.

Your relationship, job, finances, housing situation etc etc is all just 'white noise' as someone above called it. All of that could be overcome and none of it is as big a thing as you are making out.
You need to take all of that off the table and go with your gut - do you actually want a baby? Nobody else can make that decision for you and there is no shame in saying no to that if that's how you feel.

This is a decision only you alone can make. Your body, your choice.

Remember it's your decision alone, it's nice that he is supportive but beyond that he shouldn't be trying to convince you to do something you're not sure about. You will never know what the future will hold - none of us do - so you can only make the decision based on what you know and how you feel now. I'm a great believer in gut feelings - thinking out pros and cons is good but don't start trying to add up which side looks better.

From what you've said so far, you don't want this. Imagine the pregnancy test had been negative - wouldn't you have been relieved?

I was in a similar situation once, though in my mid 20s. I'd always known I wanted to have children, but the timing was completely wrong for me. I'd just started my first professional job. I was in a relationship with a nice guy, but realised it wasn't something I couldn't leave behind and envisaged myself in the future as a single parent, possibly living back with my parents. The decision wasn't easy and I agonised over it but in the back of my mind, I knew I was going to have a termination.

@Chaoticgarden
Your reply to me I think conveys your decision. You absolutely have this choice and you don't need to justify it anyone. As you have stated having children changes your life, is unpredictable, challenging and at times, inconvenient. Yes - there are rewards but these aspects of parenting jump out at me when I read your posts and I am not convinced you want this.
I wish you all the best.

You know the crazy thing is that when i had a scare previously once and i took a test I was disappointed it was negative. Go figure.

You need to ask yourself what is more important to you. Finally having a baby or your current lifestyle and financial freedom. Forget everything else. Would you like to be a mother. If it isn’t yes, you should do what’s right for you and you only. There’s no right or wrong here.

I have found myself in a very similar situation. I out earn him significantly. I fell pregnant not long after we started dating so it is a shock. But in my mind I know I can and will do it alone if I have to because I want to be a mum so it’s an easy decision to make.

If there is a part of you that feels like it isn’t for you, don’t go ahead with it as you will feel burdened, trapped and stressed. A baby is a massive responsibility and I don’t think anybody should be judged if they decide to abort.

OP it’s very normal to have these fears + given your past situation i’m sure they’re even more intense.

To echo what others have said, forget everything else; ask yourself do you want to be a mother? All the concerns you have regarding relationship, housing, finances, work etc I also had. They really do work out! I got pregnant while in something not perfectly established and that scared me too, my situation isn’t ideal, but I know I want to be a mum and things are falling into place!

Not to be pessimistic, but a relationship can go well for years and then turn sour, there aren’t any guarantees. Your situation could turn out 10x better than someone who gets pregnant after a 5 year seemingly strong relationship, you just never know. I’ve always told myself whenever I did get pregnant, i’d look at it from the POV of if I had to do this alone (could be a breakup, bereavement, whatever), could I do it?

You seem to be doing well for yourself! You don’t have to live together if you don’t want to, don’t have to share finances etc. You can navigate this however you want & in a way that makes you feel secure and comfortable.

If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, there are people you can speak to who would help put things in place, e.g. your midwife - if you fear you may be susceptible to ante/postnatal depression.

Alternatively, if you decide not to go ahead with it, that is absolutely okay and it’s absolutely your decision, there’s also support available for that too!

Think about yourself in 10, 20, 30 years. What do you see? A baby/young child is for a brief moment in time. A child is also a person, a companion for life. Family. Only you can decide what path to take. At 40 this is likely your last chance. Ignore all the noise: partner, finances, housing, career. Those can be overcome (especially with a combined imcome of nearly £100k). But a child, or an abortion, cannot be undone. It's a shock, and a huge decision, but I'd take any hesitation as an indication that deep down you may want this child.

I don't have any advice and I know this is a hugely daunting time. Just know, there is absolutely never a right time to have a baby. The logistics are always a struggle but as parents we make it work, and things will fall into place if this is what you want.
This could be your one and only chance, and I know you came to terms with not being a mum previously, things are different now and can you honestly say you won't regret not continuing? It's a huge decision, take some time to think, not just logically, but with your heart.

You’ve had lots of great advice already so I won’t repeat it, but I just wanted to say you can still be career driven and a mum. I have a 2yo and am currently expecting my second, in the year since I returned from maternity leave I secured a sizeable promotion.

I’ve very much been able to compartmentalise ‘mum life’ and my career, and whilst I won’t lie it’s bloody tough when you’re dealing with what feels like the 50th cough/cold/bug/virus in a matter of weeks, mentally I’ve found it’s really helped having my job as a focus outside of being a mum.

What @RedHelenB said. You will probably feel very relieved afterwards.

This leapt out at me:

'I like the idea of weekend breaks and having a dog and the ability to have a better quality of life.'

And this:

I feel like i would absolutely spiral trapped in a house looking after a screaming child and having to give up all my future plans for a nice place of my own and then having to pay thousands in childcare.

I would have a read of some of the threads on here of people struggling with aspects of bringing up children. These are mostly people who planned and want children and don't regret it, but reach out because bringing up kids can be tough going. You have to really want it, I think, to get through the almost inevitable challenges of being responsible for a totally dependent baby/toddler/teen etc..

It's your choice of course, but it sounds to me like you're feeling guilty due to your partner's enthusiasm, which as people have pointed out isn't a definite and stable thing going forward. Just because it's something you used to want at some point doesn't mean it's what you want now. There are career paths I once really thought I might take, which I look back and am very glad I didn't.