6 weeks pregnant and don't know what to do, please help.

[Chaoticgarden]

I found out I was pregnant on Christmas Eve, I am 40, have never been pregnant and have no children.

I have only been with the father for about 5 months. We get on really well and he's a lovely person, but I am not far along in this relationship to know if it will develop into something long term. I was in a pretty abusive relationship about 2 years ago and it has taken me a lot of time to recover, so I am pretty cautious and was happy taking things slowly.

So far, I have known about this pregnancy for 2 weeks and they have been awful. I have been a complete mess. At first I decided "ok this has happened I best get on board", but as time has gone on I just think "Oh God I really don't need this right now".

I own a home that my ex lives in and we are trying to sell it and still haven't cleared up legal issues (to do with the house not between us - long story), so legal fees are still likely to be a thing.

My current SO is lovely, but a) I am not ready to move in with anyone or commit heavily yet and b) He is not financially stable enough for a child.

I earn about 65k a year in my job, and he earns about 28k so there is a huge gap. We had both planned to save like crazy at first and could probably get around 20k together, but we'd have to rent a place together which would be expensive, and this would probably destroy my plan to buy a new house once my current one is sold.

At the moment I am living in a house share alongside my sister and our landlord as a stop gap (it works well for me and gives me plenty of saving power) and SO is living with his mother after moving to England from South Africa a year ago.

I've never been a hugely maternal person to be honest, always been on the fence about having kids, I did grieve not having kids at one point but I feel like i'm over it and I like the idea of weekend breaks and having a dog and the ability to have a better quality of life.

I cannot fathom how we'll cope when I lose my income on maternity leave, the idea of it scares the living daylights out of me, I have never not worked ever since i was 17 and i've always been career focused. I am prone to depression and feel like i would absolutely spiral trapped in a house looking after a screaming child and having to give up all my future plans for a nice place of my own and then having to pay thousands in childcare (my parents are elderly and have basically said they can't help and their response has been "meh, it's your life").

The father (SO) is convinced this can work and we can keep it and be really happy. I am feeling trapped and panicked, I'd probably do it in different circumstances if I had a house and a more established relationship, but right now? I just can't see how this is going to work. SO is happy to get a second job and has already started selling things and signed up to do Uber deliveries but I hardly know him, I feel like relying on him makes me feel incredibly unsafe and at risk especially if i'm losing financial independence. I feel like a baby doesn't deserve a stressed out mother and someone who is ambivalent about even wanting a child, but at the same time perhaps this is my last chance at ever having kids... and what if I regret it?

I just have no idea what to do and I am in SUCH a mess. I'd be interested to know what people think and whether i am making a big deal about nothing, I honestly just don't want to deal with tons of financial hardship and stress after working so hard to set myself up in life. I've already had the house I saved up for taken over by my ex after he was abusive, and I now feel like this will destroy any plans I have for myself in the future, but I am also aware it could be amazing.

Any advice or personal experience would be helpful to me.

Hi OP, I think there’s been some great advice above. All I wanted to add was this: it might not feel like it, but if you decide to have the baby, you have control over this situation, and you have options. You don’t have to have a long maternity leave: you can go back after a couple of months if you want to. I have friends who have done this for a variety of reasons and it has worked well for them and baby.

You also don’t have to move in with your partner (although I understand the financial and practical support argument, if it’s not what you want, don’t do it). You do not have to progress this relationship with him if you don’t want to, and please don’t feel pressured into moving faster than you want to.

It sounds like you are not sure about keeping the baby and that could well be the right choice for you. But whatever you do, think about what will work best for you, and don’t let anyone tell you what that looks like. Wishing you all the best.

Honestly in your situation I wouldn't continue.

Having a child is a huge life changing decision. You barely know the father, he doesn't sound financially secure, you don't have a permanent place to live, you suffer with depression, you're worried about finances, you're ambivalent about having a child anyway - these are all VERY good and sensible reasons not to continue.

I appreciate everyones answers so much, thank you for going to the time and trouble to

a) be non-judgemental - i am NOT proud of this situation and
b) to give me solid balanced advice.

I went to my 7 week scan today very much hoping there would be a problem which i know sounds terrible but I hope you understand.

There is one baby in there not the two I was afraid of (twins run in my family and age can also mean twins). There was a heartbeat. It was kind of amazing to see it, they could even tell me which ovary was responsible which I found amazing really.

I am extremely torn about the situation because I frankly can't say i'm hugely enthusiastic about a life with the father, I'm also not enthusiastic about life as a single mother, I am not enthusiastic about how incredibly hard everyone says it is and I also don't want to kill a perfectly viable pregnancy which could very well be my one and only chance at having a child.

I think i would just say that I could cope with all of this if the circumstances were different, but they are not, I have got what i've got and I have to go with that. I have no other choice, it isn't different and I can't sit and cry over spilt milk now. I need to put my big girl pants on and commit to a decision and really have the evidence to back up my decision so that i can go forward with it confidently. I have some very tough questions to ponder, I don't have any clue where to start but before I commit to baby or no baby I have to commit to putting the work into figuring out what is stopping me making a firm choice.

It doesn't help that the father is against abortion and pandering to me non stop - it sounds wonderful and i don't want to be horrible because the guy is doing his best, but it's impossible to get any kind of sensible discussion from him because his attitude just seems to be "I don't agree with abortion but it's your choice, and family is everything, it's the reason we're here". That's his reasons... there is no other reason full stop end of story. He came into my scan with me today and I found myself offended by him asking questions to the midwife, I just wanted to tell him to shut up because he's not my husband and it's not his body. I am just being horrible I know but that's how i was thinking.

From your OP it sounds to me like you don’t want to have this baby. Quite a lot. So I think an abortion could really help take away this quandary you are in.

definitely have some counselling. I did with an abortion service (with msi) personally the counsellorsi was given wasn’t helpful to me.
i was still in a pickle and booked some zoom counselling with Choices charity and was matched with a wonderful counsellor within 24 hours who let me say absolutely everting I was feeling and thinking and helped me give structure to my confusion. I can’t recommend it enough.

choicescharity.org

I really agree with you to be honest, but there are questions around:

• What if i regret it
• What if i can never have a child again? Quite likely at 40.
• What will i do with my life? What if i am alone and sad later in life and look back to this moment and think ffs why did I do that.

All that stuff basically is stopping me.

Yes definitely hear you on all these fronts. Sorry I’ve just updated my reply with some more info.

i did a GAINS and LOSSES matrix with the counsellor and wrote out all the gains from keeping the baby and all the gains from abortion and all the losses from baby/ abortion. So helpful. And dealbreakers and talked though all the scenarios. Really couldn’t recommend counselling enough, it saved me in a dark time

There's never a perfect time. Plenty make it work with less than they think they need. Trust your gut - you'll figure it out.

I think this is the route that i need to go. I know there will always be a ghost ship no matter what so to speak.

The bottom line is that i can't say i love the father honestly, I had been through a truly traumatic break up 18 months prior with someone i genuinely loved and i am still trying to get the house i bought with them sold at the moment. They are living there and basically drove me out. It took a lot to recover from that and i was terrified of being alone.

Since then I have had a wonderful 2024, been on holiday loads, had a glow up year and got really into my flower farming which i do as a hobby. Fitness as well has been a huge thing for me in 2024.

This just shat all over a very looked forward to christmas and new year. I met the father in the summer, it was a fun summer fling situation, it started to get more serious and i liked him a lot but i was very content with just a boyfriend and just seeing him when i felt like it - now the relationship is on turbo charge and i am feeling so much pressure i think i've got the ick.

Life is not nice sometimes. I would have done anything to be in this situation with my ex despite knowing damn well he was abusive (and i am so glad it didn't happen). If i was genuinely into the father i think i'd be excited but i can't make myself be and it is stressing me out so much.

Is loving the father of your potential child a dealbreaker? If so you have your answer

if it’s not and you can envisage still having the baby (you could have another relationship one day? This isn’t closed forever) then perhaps that’s worth exploring with the counsellor. FYI I think it really needs to be an abortion counsellor not a standard one, it makes all the difference

I suppose i just look around and see all these pregnancy posts and think every person posting them must be happily married in their nice house and totally love their husband and be beaming.

I mean I can't be completely wrong on that can I?
I just want for myself what everyone else has i guess.

I can’t talk for everyone but I certainly don’t love my husband all the time and sometimes I think he’s a complete idiot or worse. Life has ups and downs and most peoples marriages aren’t rosy all the time

I think it’s completely understandable to be feeling under pressure where the relationship is concerned. It’s gone from a casual thing that was naturally progressing to suddenly having this whole heap of pressure loaded on top of it, it’s not surprising you’re wanting to run away/put some distance there, especially as your bf (as well meaning as I’m sure he is) is inadvertently smothering you with his support.

As others have said, there’s no guarantees in any relationship so I wouldn’t put pressure on needing to commit or otherwise right now. There’s no reason why you can’t continue to see where the relationship goes at your own pace even if you do decide to proceed with the pregnancy.

DD was much longed for, but honestly that first year of having her pushed our happy, easy going relationship to the brink in ways I could never have predicted, so much so that DH and I have a pact this time around that absolutely nothing said in the heat of the moment during the first 12 months of #2 counts. On the flip side, I have a very good friend whose DS was a result of a one night stand. They’ve now been happily married nearly 2 decades and have a large and beautiful family.

I can promise you, even those of us that are happily married don’t always like our husbands.

I think...when making your decision, don't underestimate how much having a child changes your life. It's massive. All-consuming. My two are 3 and a baby, so I'm very much in the thick of it. I love them dearly but man, some days i wish I could turn back the clock. It's very difficult to explain how fully kids change your world, but the adjustment can be tricky.

I was on the fence for a long time. The thing that got me off the fence was falling in love with a kind, patient and generous man who I thought would be a lovely Dad and equal partner, which he is. Single parents are heroes - it's relentless enough with two hard working parents.

I've also experienced the emotional fall-out from an abusive relationship and it really wasn't pretty. It took a long time to heal (I literally still have the scars) and I definitely would not have been well placed to deal with the emotional upheaval of having a child on top of the emotional upheaval of ending a bad relationship.

I think it's alright to consider what's the best thing for your own emotional wellbeing right now. You still have the freedom to prioritise yourself, you wont have that freedom with a child around. Don't get trapped at because you feel guilty about terminating.

Sorry, that's a bit of a brain dump and I'm not sure how useful it will be.

For what it's worth I know lots of people getting pregnant over 40 if you did want to try again in a year, it's not that uncommon. But obviously there are no guarantees and the risks increase.

My circumstances were very different to yours, but I had an abortion early last year. I already have a child, and in the past 7-8 years, have never desired another.

I won't go into the details of my situation that led me to have the abortion, as they're not relevant to your situation, but I will tell you that I absolutely regretted it afterwards. So much so that I decided I did want another child after all, and fell pregnant again almost immediately. I'm due in 5 weeks. I was extremely lucky that I fell pregnant again. If you're having these types of thoughts/questions already, I suspect you'll be overcome by them afterwards like I was.