To tell parents / in-laws over Christmas

[Oli16]

I wanted to tell my in laws and parents over Christmas that I’m 6 weeks pregnant and arrived at my in laws tonight…

I had a total meltdown in the car to my partner before we went into the in laws house as he wanted to tell them tonight before his siblings all arrived but I suddenly felt really panicked and said I don’t want to and want to wait until my 7 week private scan I’ve booked next week.

we don’t see our parents in person much as they live further away so Christmas we decided was a good opportunity to them the news.

i don’t know why but I just don’t feel ready to tell them…I’m not ready for all the questions and the fuss…I feel really overwhelmed at the moment and quite low - I’m hoping it’s just the hormones playing havoc but I think I’d feel more happier after a successful first scan.

my partner is quite upset as he was very much looking forward to telling his family and says it’s unfair as I’ve already told 3 close friends (mainly because I’ve had crippling anxiety this past week and they have babies / needed to talk to someone!)

guess I’m just looking forward advice - should I cheer up and just tell my parents / in laws? It is Christmas after all.

Personally I would tell them. It's nice to tell them in person. I do get not liking the fuss though, but maybe Christmas helps with that as there will be lots going on.

Just tell them!

I wouldn't tell. Too early.

It’s very much a personal decision, there’s no real right or wrong answer. For me I’ve always kept quiet until after the 20 week scan, but I think some of that stems from suffering an early miscarriage in my first pregnancy and wanting to be as sure as can be that things are ok before sharing the news.

I would tell them but I'd tell them if things went wrong, as well.

I’d say it’s your news to share with who you want, when you want. Your DP should understand that, even if he’s disappointed.

My general rule for the first trimester is to only tell people who you’d be comfortable telling if you had a miscarriage. For me, that’s only people I could expect to support me and no one else.

For that reason, I didn’t tell my family in the first trimester for any of my pregnancies, only a couple of close friends. My family are not overly close and we don’t really do emotions. I would have found breaking bad news to them too overwhelming and unhelpful, frankly.

Tricky problem, and as a consequence I’d probably default to waiting until 12 weeks. In person doesn’t change anything imo, the main thing is that the family will be growing by one.

I’d feel comfortable with them knowing if anything did go wrong and would appreciate their support as we’re all quite close.

i think im still quite shocked about finding out im pregnant and still processing it myself - so im worried i will come across as anxious and maybe not happy when I tell them (they will be so excited and presume I will be so excited)

but in reality since i found out ive been so down and anxious and wondering why im feeling so awful. I wanted this! I think it just happened sooner than expected. My partner also sadly commented that it would be nice to share the news for someone to be excited about it which makes me sad as I have been rather anxious and down about it all

Like PPs have said, unless you want them to be there for bad news (which hopefully won't be the case) I wouldn't tell. It's very, very early and you've not had a scan but it's up to you. I always just told who I wanted to know in case first trimester didn't go well and then after 12 week scam told everyone else from a happier, more excited place..
But I do get why he would be upset when you've told three friends so you might need to compromise because of that..

It's his news too - I think if you've told people but won't allow him to then it's unfair and a little controlling.

Maybe he needs support too and wants to share his excitement and feelings?

YOU are the one that's oregnant, your body, not his - so YOU get the say who is told about it!

yes it's his baby & o get he's excited to tell his parents,, but is not his body that's oregnant!

will you be seeing them at Easter? I'd tell them then. If anything happens you can still tell them if you WANT to, but having to tell them if you don't want to is very hard.

I wouldn't tell them after a 7 week scan if you don't want to tell them now at 6 weeks.

Tell him you told a few of your friends because you need their support also your choice because YOU are pregnant, having symptoms you needed their help with. He needs to understand that while you both are going to have a baby (yay!!) only YOUR body is pregnant!!

@NorthernGirlie I disagree with you and 🔝 is why

You both need to just take a breather. Are you staying over? If so, sleep on the news and decide if you want to tell them once you have chatted to each other again.

I do think it’s his news too to share….
It’s a personal decision - for you both - as to when / with whom. Personally I waited until first 12 wk scan

@Snoopy It is of course her that's pregnant, but with a baby wanted by them both by the sound of it. It's their news - not just her news.

We need to stop bashing men for everything. Where does it stop. She's pregnant so gets sole say over the name / pram etc? She birthed it so gets sole choice of the nursery?

She gets to decide medical stuff, whether to keep the baby, who touches her stomach etc.

It's tricky as it sounds like this is the opportunity to tell them face to face since you don't leave close by. Any chance they would guess anyway, if you don't drink for example?

I wouldn’t share the news until after a scan. Hopefully all will be well but without a scan you’ve no way of knowing.

As for being ‘fair’ about sharing the news, pregnancy and childbirth doesn’t tend to be very fair towards women…
Your feelings do trump his. It’s your body.

Scans don't give you certainty either, unfortunately, especially early ones.

They'll figure it out if you don't tell them. Too many drinks and foodstuffs to avoid without it being completely obvious you're pregnant.

I understand the worry. I told my immediate family and v close friends very early as I'd tell them if there was bad news. Everyone else had to wait for the 12 week scan. It's a personal thing.

Tbh I wish everyone would be open about pregnancy from day 1 and then maybe miscarriage support would be better.

I wouldn't tell. But, I've had several miscarriages. I didn't share my pregnancy news with my siblings until after 16 weeks. I told other people around 24 weeks.

You shouldn’t tell friends before family.

Won’t they realise anyway when you aren’t drinking/avoiding certain food/looking and feeling like death warmed up?

Either tell them or don’t. But have that discussion together and decide like grown ups, not having ‘meltdowns’ like toddlers.

I’d tell them face to face, but absolutely not as a big exciting Christmas announcement considering how early it is. I’d tell both sets of parents but make it clear that you’re feeling anxious and you don’t want everybody to get too excited yet as it’s still early and make it clear that you don’t want to share with wider family.

I’ve been in the circumstance of being 6 weeks pregnant at Christmas with my ex-partner who refused to tell his family for Christmas, as a result I had to hide it all day when I was feeling rubbish from the pregnancy which wasn’t nice. I later miscarried and found out his mum was upset that he hadn’t told her before. I’m now 4+2 pregnant with a new partner, if it wasn’t for Christmas we would have waited until after the 6 week scan, but I decided I didn’t want to go through another Christmas having to hide it, particularly as we are hosting this year and they know I’d normally have a drink so it would be obvious, so we told them. The unhelpful side is people have had excited reactions which hasn’t helped me given my history of loss even though they are aware, but that’s a different issue I guess.