To tell parents / in-laws over Christmas

[Oli16]

I wanted to tell my in laws and parents over Christmas that I’m 6 weeks pregnant and arrived at my in laws tonight…

I had a total meltdown in the car to my partner before we went into the in laws house as he wanted to tell them tonight before his siblings all arrived but I suddenly felt really panicked and said I don’t want to and want to wait until my 7 week private scan I’ve booked next week.

we don’t see our parents in person much as they live further away so Christmas we decided was a good opportunity to them the news.

i don’t know why but I just don’t feel ready to tell them…I’m not ready for all the questions and the fuss…I feel really overwhelmed at the moment and quite low - I’m hoping it’s just the hormones playing havoc but I think I’d feel more happier after a successful first scan.

my partner is quite upset as he was very much looking forward to telling his family and says it’s unfair as I’ve already told 3 close friends (mainly because I’ve had crippling anxiety this past week and they have babies / needed to talk to someone!)

guess I’m just looking forward advice - should I cheer up and just tell my parents / in laws? It is Christmas after all.

So you never had a hormonal cry when you were pregnant!

This

I've been limiting my excitement due to a MMC in the summer - am 14 weeks today and can't quite believe it. My husband is more of an optimist than I am and was very excited for our 12 week scan - I thought I would go mad with the worry. Both are very valid responses. ❤️

We told my parents and in-laws at about 6 weeks, because we knew we'd need support if we had another loss. They were over the moon but haven't made a huge deal about it because they know a lot could change. It's been nice having someone to share it with early on.

I'd tell them this weekend but add caveats about it being early, say you both wanted them to know but are trying to get on with things until you're 12 weeks so don't really want questions or fuss. If you're eating and drinking with them etc, it will take some of the pressure off. If you're can't be frank with them about questions/fuss, get your DP to do that - he should be advocating for you.

When I told a handful of people at the beginning (for admin reasons) I felt like I had to caveat everything. My DH reminded me that, at least in our case, this is happy news and people will be happy for us. Anxiety's just a self-preservation strategy, completely normal but not always completely helpful.

Fingers crossed and good luck for your scan 🍀🤞🏼Whatever you decide to do is okay.

Surely this depends on the family and friend dynamic. My friends are like my sisters.

Agree. I’m incredibly close with 2 girlfriends - way closer than my own sister.

Thank you 🥲

He was looking forward to telling his family. You have already told 3 friends at work.
Pretty unfair, its his baby too. I bet he's very upset.
You've already said you'd be happy for them to know if something went wrong.
Let him tell them. You'll be making excuses otherwise about drinking/feeling queasy/questions about when you'll have a baby.

Let him tell his parents. Especially after your post about what he said.
His mum will probably know something is up anyway.

I once balled like a baby on a flight because starving pregnant me only got served 1 meal on a long haul and I was starving but the snack they served had mayo. Had the air stewards panicking because it was a proper gasping for breath cry and they thought something was seriously wrong. 😂

Cry your pregnant heart out for whatever reason you need to OP! It's healthy and cathartic to cry.

I understand where you are coming from OP. I have had a history of miscarriages but I do have a child now (and I am also 15 weeks pregnant now and nobody knows yet).

Because of my experiences before I was always very cautious of telling people. With our living child we told my family at 12 weeks and others at 20 weeks. My husband wanted to tell his parents so he told them at 6 weeks (when I wasn’t there), but he explained that we were finding it difficult to celebrate and that if they could keep it toned down until we were ready to that it would be helpful. They were delighted but also respectful. When we did tell people they were very questioning and ‘excited’ for every scan, which is very triggering for me as I have had some extremely negative experiences at scan appointments, and even now I find them very difficult, I never look forward to them. For that reason I don’t want people to know about my pregnancy now so I don’t have to keep placating how other people want me to act or feel, even when you know they are simply just excited. A family member also told other people about our pregnancy before we were ready last time which has impacted on our decision about when to tell people for this pregnancy, Obviously they are specific circumstances and for most people it is a very positive thing sharing the news!

Also it’s totally normal to feel all the emotions and find it difficult even when you are happy!

I would tell them.

Yes, it is more likely you will miscarry before 12 weeks, but personally it seems worse to have to explain you were pregnant and now aren't than explain that you've miscarried when they already know you're pregnant. Or just have to deal with it in silence.

Waiting until 12 weeks seems to be from a bygone age when pregnancy and miscarriage was taboo and not talked about.

What part of SHE is pregnant, HER body is going through this do people not quite understand? She is the that will have everyone watching & commenting on absolutely bloody everything. No one needs to know at 6 weeks more than she needs privacy if she wants it.

if he can't respect that, then they're in for a wild ride.

hes got months to tell his parents, right now he needs to support his WIFE, and stop the petulant 'but you told your friend, I want to tell my mummy' shite!!

He’s not the one pregnant though so the mother’s medical news is her own to share (or not).

But until the drive there they were both in agreement about telling up till they arrived!
It's funny how the relationship between a man and his mother (or father?) is denigrated like this, calling her mummy and so implying he is being babyish. It's a massive deal for either parent to have this news to pass on to their own parents.
I don't think he should tell if his wife remains unhappy about it; but I do feel disappointed for him.

@NorthernGirlie

nope, I didn't say anything about it being her sole decision about anything once the baby arrives, in fact I was quite specific this is about HER pregnancy.

At the moment he's no more at liberty to say 'my wife's pregnant' than is is to say 'my wife's got 'any other medical situation'.

he just doesn't. HER. Body is 6 weeks pregnant. That's her business, no one else's. It would be her choice if she had an abortion, I presume you don't disagree with that at least.

shes owed some support from her husband, not to go against her wishes, she's only 6 weeks, he can't respect wait!!

Up to him, it's his parents.

And if you don't want fuss and questions just remind people it's really early and anything could happen so you don't want to talk more about it.

Keeping it secret for longer is storing up more fuss.

@WaitingforStrike

feel disappointed for him too, but that's not as important as supporting his wife in what she needs!

plus, she's allowed to change her mind. She's anxious, understandably, and she needs his unconditional support and that starts now.

You don't need to presume, I literally wrote it

It's her body but their news. Nobody is telling her what to do with her body.

They'd agreed to share their news. She already shared their news. The alternative is they tell families over the phone instead which is a bit crap.

No there are other options, tell th
m in person at another time. Easter maybe?

it's only a drive away, presumably they see them more than once a year!

video call, if they can't wait..

now she doesn't want to share the news, her prerogative to change her mind about something that is happening to HER body.

what does it matter whose parents it is? The pregnancy is not happening to his parents body!!

it's her decision. It's HER body and she has autonomy. It's her right to have privacy.

yes, maybe disappointing for him, but he needs to respect it's her body!

You've already told 3 people so you're being a bit unreasonable.

Wow really appreciate all of your responses! Thank you.

update: we ended up telling my in laws today, my partner announced it to them and they were really excited. We emphasised it was very early so don’t want to spread the news etc and they didn’t bombard me all day with questions which was what I was most anxious about…

I actually feel more relaxed having told them. Was really stressing me out keeping this huge secret and dodging constant drink offers over Christmas - now to tell my parents which hopefully the news is received as well !

I think close girlfriends are ok - they are not my parents and I would discuss certain private issues with these chosen friends over my parents. They are also close friends who have recently had babies so their advice was really great when I was feeling very anxious and shocked at finding out I was pregnant

Why not tell them just as you leave. You're then not subjected to all the questions (if that's your concern)!