Awful birth ‘options’ meeting

[Padronpeppersplease]

I’ve just had my 28 week birth options meeting with a midwife and wondering if anyone else has had a similarly pushy experience. She asked me about whether I intended to breast or bottle feed and also what I’m planning for the birth. I said I was 99% sure I wanted to exclusively bottle feed and then also that I was considering an elective c section. I’d heard previously that the NHS try and push both breastfeeding & natural births but I was not prepared for how pushy this midwife was! She said to me that bottle feeding was ‘way worse for baby’ and that ‘a c section was a million times harder on my body’ than a natural birth would be. According to her as my body is built for birth I don’t need to worry about the pain of natural labour and tears during labour aren’t anywhere near as bad as the potential complications of a c section, she also said that opting for a c section would limit the number of children I could have. Despite all this I’m still leaning towards a c section, I’m under no impression that it’s easy recovery & without risks but I honestly feel now like I’m doing something totally outlandish by opting for it.

Those steroid injections rivalled my contractions they were so painful. Although I was told I was one of the few who didn't cry 😂

Had planned section due to DD2 resting bottom down and refusing to pop herself out my pelvic region 😆

@Miresquire

Stats are just stats. It's up to each individual to decide on their own risk tolerance in reference to the figures that are available.

I had planned C-section as both DC were transverse. At a follow up appointment at another hospital, the nurse said - we would have made you try for a natural birth. I can only imagine how dangerous that would have been for the babies.

At the local mums and babies group I was in a far better state than several women who had had natural births with bad tears and infections.

As to bottle feeding - if you really don't feel up to 100% breastfeeding, would you go for mixed feeding? It is so useful to be able to breast feed at times - not faffing with temperatures and sterilising bottles etc. But mixed feeds mean your partner or family can help feed the baby.

I agree with her tbh, I mean the bottle feeding is a bit much, not every one can breast feed and not every one wants to however, the c section comments are fair. It's major abdominal surgery and the complications of this are generally far worse than with vaginal delivery. That being said, the choice is your own and she should respect this.

Well that's it precisely, it's pure hyperbole. This is a supposed professional who presumably does these meetings on a regular basis, and you're telling me she can't put the benefits of natural delivery and BF to the OP in a tangible way that leaves her properly informed? Surely there's a leaflet she could have used as a guide rather than these nonsensical statements? The manner in which she spoke about formula is also incredibly insensitive given that OP has no idea if it's even physically possible for her to BF due to previous surgery. If the OP is an accurate picture of content and tone of the discussion I'd say it warrants a complaint.

Everyone knows vaginal delivery is great, the gold standard, if you have no complications, but that's a big 'if' given the stats. If you're a risk averse FTM who plans no more than 2-3 kids and definitely doesn't want an instrumental delivery then ELCS is a legitimate choice.

As an aside when I asked for a section with baby no.2 (EMCS w/no.1) the only resistance I faced was that the midwife refused to note my desire in the comments section of my 12w appointment record. I asked her again, politely, to make a note of my request and she did it.

No its not luck its good midwifery and antenatal care.

I assume you have never had or planned for a homebirth? If you had you would know more about them.

My "car crash" delivery was in hospital. Botched delivery resulting in complications. My subsequent home births were problem free despite being larger and potentially more awkward deliveries.

The difference was the quality of care and expertise - shocking in the maternity unit, brilliant at home. The Ockenden report cited up thread talks about this quite a bit and is worth reading.

Oh bore off. It was aimed an unsolicited anecdotal advice like that given on this thread.

I provided multiple scientific sources upthread demonstrating there is absolutely no difference in bonding, so if you don't accept that, what do you want?

Personally my prolonged attempt to breastfeed nearly killed me and my baby.
I bonded much better with her when I stopped trying to feed and pump 24/7, got some sleep, and had lovely experiences with her. That's my reason, but hey why go for good scientific evidence when you have an anecdote eh?

Stats are stats, yes. But words are important, otherwise you get people spouting shit like “A first time mother is quite unlikely to have an absolutely no intervention birth in hospital” even though the stats do not support that statement. People have to watch their words.

OP, I had a c section by maternal request, I recovered so quickly and it was 100% the right choice.

I also bottle fed from birth, I didn't want to breastfeed. My DS is perfectly well and my mental health is firmly intact.

I'll do the exact same next time.

Ignore the people who think you should breathe the baby out and also the breastapo.

I had a normal vaginal delivery with my first, and a c-section with my second. I would take the vaginal birth over a c-section any day of the week!

I realise you don’t have the gift of hindsight when it comes to making your decision, however. Had I needed intervention (forceps etc) with my first I may feel differently.

Same with BF. I mainly bottle-fed (expressed and formula) with my first, mainly BF with my second. Once I got over the pain/stress barrier with my second, it was way easier.

I think what I am trying to say, is that all being well, I am with your midwife on all of this, but in reality we don’t know how things are going to go. For that reason it has to be entirely your choice. Good luck OP x

I opted for an elective c section with my first. I had a complication in my second trimester and was consultant led and she still pushed for a vaginal birth. But I didn't budge. I had low blood platelets and there were alot of risks to myself and my baby with a vaginal birth and too many variables. I wanted to choose the option which was safest for both of us. Had I had the vaginal birth I would not have been able to have an epidural and they would not have been able to use forceps or ventouse on my baby because of the potential risk of him having low blood platelets. Still I felt alot of pressure to have the vaginal birth. There was alot of "don't worry, you can just breathe him out". Lol. And whilst I was told the chances of my baby having low blood platelets was very slim, we did discover that was the case after he was born and he spent a week in neonatal having blood transfusions. So I'm glad I stuck up for myself, I made the right choice for me. The C sec took a while to recover from. I had no issues breastfeeding right away. I felt really good.

Pity she didn’t spend some time with the women in my gym class. I was the only one who could do star jumps without leaking. Guess which one of us had our second by cs?

I didn’t like the idea of breastfeeding when I was pregnant but decided to do it for at least the first 6 weeks for the health benefits and then switch to formula.

Ended up loving it. Once you get the hang of it - took me two days to get the latch right - the hormones that kick in while you are nursing are amazing. And not having to wash and prep bottles was a bonus.

Downsides are it’s all on you if you don’t express milk so you partner can also do feeds.

I had an elective c-section because vaginal childbirth seems utterly horrific to me. I did my research on all birth options (with their attendant risks and success rates) and boned up on the NICE and RCOG recommendations, as I was expecting pushback from my midwife and consultant, but I didn’t get any.

They asked my reasons, I gave them and talked about the stats/pros and cons, etc. They were satisfied that I was knowledgeable on the topic and aware of what was entailed, and we cracked on.

Have you done your research, OP? If you’re basing your decision on your sister’s and friends’
experiences , then perhaps look into things a bit more. It’s your choice, but it needs to be an informed choice. And you need to be able to demonstrate that.

For what it’s worth, my birth experience was pretty much perfect. We had a fun playlist, DH held my hand, it was over remarkably quickly and there were no complications. IMy recovery was speedy and easily managed with OTC painkillers. I plan on doing the same with next DC.

Only read your posts @Padronpeppersplease so sorry if someone has already said this. I know several women who have fed their babies with breast milk, but pumped and put into a bottle.

You do have to commit to pumping several times a day, but the really good pumps can go in your bra and you can move about. To me I think it’s the best of both worlds, baby gets breast milk, mum gets the freedom to ask dad to do the night feed!

Sorry you weren’t listened to.

Powerlifter here and 3x vaginal birth, don't leak, not even deadlifting 170kg. Anecdata is not data.

I think it's briliant that she's not a doctor or scientist. This means that she has gathered, analysed and presented the facts objectively, as she has no agenda or preferred outcome. As opposed to the OP's midwife telling her that a c section would be "a million times harder" on her body than natural birth would be, when there are simply no stats or studies to reflect this "million" hyperbole.

With pfb they were saying I'd have to have an elective c-section because first scan they though it looked like a Placenta previa - and it would be the safest option to deliver slightly early with elective section for both of us.

As it happened second scan I didn't so was fine to have my preferred option of MW led unit.

One friend had to have elective c-sections as first very early birth had been vertical section and was really high risk of rupture in natural labour 0 meant childcare was easier to sort as knew when birth was coming.

Lots of reasons for elective C-sections to be needed.

I suspect OP really wants to be talked to like an adult with capacity and talked though pro and cons and allowed to make her own choice.

I personality hate the paternalist attitude that started when I first got pg and got carried on afterward by MW and HV and GP - as if being a mother meant being a lesser human who needed to be talked down to. FIL find it happened to him with age and decline health with HCP - he's a lot more difficult to everyone as a result.

Agree of course it’s not the best option
The NHS have a duty of care to advice on choices being made.
That is exactly what they were doing.
Ultimately it’s up to the mother what choices they ultimately go for after being advised on the positives and negatives of all options available.

Sorry just to say exclusive pumping is seriously hard work and not for the faint hearted.
It's way more time consuming than just putting the baby to the breast and requires 2-3 hourly pumping for the first few weeks to even have a shot at being successful in the long term. Dad can't do the night feeds as you need to be up pumping to make the most of the raised prolactin levels at night. No one would choose it, only people whose babies have been unable to latch or have a long period of separation from their babies.

The other benefit to a vaginal delivery is that the birth canal journey offers microbial benefits to the baby which scientist la now believe plays a part in building the immune system and preventing illnesses - particularly autoimmune diseases and allergies.

Research to read if interested.

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3110651/

I did it with twins ( along with breastfeeding ) to keep my milk supply up during growth spurts.
It was exhausting

She is correct about limits. Well not so much that but the more c sections you have the higher risk of complications particularly above 3 or 4.

Can you ask for a different midwife? It's clear she didn't want to listen to you reasons for either . Just preach at you which isn't helpful

She has a duty of care to give you correct information. We know that breast milk is better than bottle feeding. And we know that cesarean recovery is very very tough.

It is still your choice and she should have made you feel that you can choose what you want to do, but she was just doing her job.