Should I have another baby at 44

[Maryjane1980]

I am desperately seeking some advice. I already have 3 children. One is a young adult and i have a 5 and 13 year old.
I had IVF with my third due to a new partner and male factor infertility. I was lucky and the ivf worked 1st time and became my third child. I was left with 3 frozen embryos.
Sadly my pregnancy wasn’t lucky and i had crippling anxiety with multiple panic attacks. I had many investigations which didn’t show any heart problem. My resting heart rate was still around 110 most days and went up to 200 during my c-section! I was fine though and they didn’t know why. Many days i thought i could die.
Following the birth of my third child i fell pregnant naturally when my baby was three months. This floored me and the thought of a pregnancy/new baby when i was still just recovering from the birth of my third child terrified me. I was still very anxious and genuinely believed i could die. I was so afraid I’d leave my children motherless I decided to end the pregnancy. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t regret it but my partner reminds me often I may have died as he was so worried when I was pregnant due to all the hospital visits with a racing heart and witnessing the birth.
Recently a sibling has had ivf and has talked endlessly about her embryos and baby plans. She has referred to the embryos as babies and this has been like a dagger to the heart.
This has left me feeling very sad and torn about what i do with my own embryos. Realistically i could put one back but im 44 now and feel i may be too old. Im also scared about the anxiety it may cause me and how my body will react to the pregnancy if it worked. Im in good health but I still have low level anxiety probably resulting from childhood trauma and likely will always be with me. I think the ivf pregnancy just didn’t agree with me for some reason. I wasn’t anxious with my first two pregnancies.
I feel so unbelievably torn and so full of regret that i didnt keep the baby. I feel like if i save one embryo i can make the hollow emptiness that i feel for the termination better.
I know time isn’t on my side now and thats why i need to decide soon. I feel so sad thinking of the embryos left that would be just like my child. The thought that i may have to destroy all of them too breaks my heart. I know i have two choices and times running out. Should I risk a pregnancy at 44 which may trigger my anxiety or destroy the embryos and live with more guilt never knowing what could have been.
Any thoughts appreciated.

First and foremost, embryos aren't babies. Don't let that cloud your judgement. They're a cluster of cells, the majority of which are never destined to be babies. In your situation there is no way I would contemplate another pregnancy. You clearly had decided that too as you ended your natural pregnancy. 3 children is plenty - why put them or you through it?

Don't. You have a big family and luckily 3 healthy children. I hope your siblings IVF goes well but it's not guaranteed is it. A number of those 'embryo babies' won't make it sadly.

I have just had a baby at 45 and he's 1 next month. He wakes up for milk every 3 hours throughout the night, every night. I love him and delighted to have him (only child after 5 years of IVF) but it's only just about do-able. If I had other kids to think of or any ill health it would become a real uphill battle. Plus any thoughts of retiring at 60 are out the window financially obviously now. If you don't need to, and you don't especially want to, don't.

No no and no again. I understand the draw but no.

With that spread of ages you will end up parenting for about 50 years !

Seriously though. Don't try and fix what's not broken n

Hell no.

You will have a 1 in 30 chance of having a child with a serious congenital defect over 40. On top of this, your child will be at higher risk of developing health conditions and neurodivergence. Then you will be at far greater risk of serious health complications during pregnancy and birth.

The risks really ramp up after age 40 and 44/45 your risk will be higher still. You probably have less chance of everything going perfectly than not.

Are you ok with managing these outcomes? I’m much younger and have found myself in this situation… I wouldn’t knowingly sign up to it in my mid 40s with 3 kids already. Ask yourself how would you cope with various conditions as the chances of you having to are really high. Then decide and go into it with your eyes open.

No. You should not.

1000000 percent NO!

I wouldn’t do it to yourself. Why cause yourself so much stress? You have a healthy family already,.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Please remember you made the decision to terminate with the information and feelings you had at the time. It sounded terrifying what you went through and you (rightly in my opinion) did what was best for the children you already had. It still stands that the drs didn't have any answers so that same thing could happen again with your heart with a worse outcome.
I would research the statistics for a successful pregnancy at 44 with ivf. After everything you've been through would a failed pregnancy, miscarriage, traumatic birth be something that you could handle?

Lastly please remember you most likely will be heading into perimenopause in the next few years. The anxiety is awful for some people, lots of women experience palpitations, vertigo, and awful mood swings including depression. Mostly I would think it would be horrendous to be parenting a toddler with the rage/ intolerance that many go through in perimenopause.

With that all in mind you should consider counselling to deal with your past traumas and try to focus on healing yourself.

...no

Goodness me - just settle for 3. If you had uncomplicated pregnancies it would be different, but you have to consider your existing children if you were to struggle once again.

No

I empathise op

I didn't have ivf but had recurrent miscarriages before my 2nd

I also had then had a termination after an accidental pregnancy for financial reasons . We had 3 children between us and we simply couldn't stretch to a 4th

I.do have regrets as in ideal world I would of wanted another but deep down really I know it was the right choice

Just turned 40 , finances are better but realistically a 4th would still be a step too far .

Im battling with broodniess but I feel it's hormonal

At 44 I wouldn't try again .

I know the myriad of emotions a termination puts you through so I hope eventually you can put the feelings of regret behind you .

Any peer reviewed source for this bs?

The sperm and egg met and then they waited three or five days to see what happened and then froze the ones that were ‘happening’ in the right direction. Thats all.

Even pro life people tend to see it as a baby only once it implants in the uterus. Would you freeze a fetus for years? No lol. A blastocyst is not a fetus. It’s potential.

Does that change anything?

@Wahoobafoo surely the risks are reduced with a younger blastocyst being used?

Absolutely not.
Also embryos are not tiny babies in a freezer they are a collection of cells which could become a baby if implanted and all circumstance line up perfectly. But actually more likely not to.
You have 3 children and your own health to take care of, do not risk it.
Why at 44 would you want this? you will be in your 60's dealing with a teenager and the uni years. Seriously why do that to yourself?

Thank you everyone for your comments. The three embryos are left over from my IVF cycle age 38. I feel they may have a good chance working. I think I want to try to make something right by saving an embryo. I think in my mind that if I can save just one it will help heal my heart.
If I wasn’t such an anxious person and hadn’t suffered such extreme anxiety with my IVF pregnancy I might feel more confident in putting one back. My biggest fear is that my anxiety takes over again and something happens to me and I leave my children without a mum. I know that sounds extreme but it’s my biggest fear.
I think my sister having IVF and talking endlessly about her embryos and how she will put all 3 back as she couldn’t bare to destroy any has added to my guilt. She has been pretty insensitive towards me.
I think I never really thought about making the decision about the embryos until now as I know I can’t wait much longer.

I think you're being massively swayed by your sisters insensitive comments.

Perhaps having a word with her about tact or your husband might be a good place to start.

Personally I don't think you should do it at 44. You have an amazing family already and the risks are very real.

If you want to spend your whole life parenting, then go ahead. I know that some women only see themselves as "mothers" rather than individuals and so they have to keep producing children. I think you should however make a contingency plan incase you die and leave your existing kids (including potentially the new baby) motherless. Will your DH be OK and happy to look after 4 kids including a five year old and a newborn?

Just no! Dont do it! I had my 3rd at 41, don’t get me wrong he’s been a delight, but it's hard parenting a teen when you're pushing 60. And to get him through Uni etc is going to massively delay any retirement plans.

I think you have unresolved sadness about the termination and would benefit from counselling.

God tell your sister to shut up! Do you really want to be parenting your whole life?

Don't. You have 3 healthy children. You're going into menopause.

Your sister has been insensitive but if she's going through IVF herself, she's clearly struggling too. She probably needs to think of the embryos as babies as they are her only hope, it's all she can think of. IVF is so all consuming. Don't pay attention to what she's saying, she's not being rational.

Sorry that came out way too emphatic! But it would be my worst nightmare.