Should I have another baby at 44

[Maryjane1980]

I am desperately seeking some advice. I already have 3 children. One is a young adult and i have a 5 and 13 year old.
I had IVF with my third due to a new partner and male factor infertility. I was lucky and the ivf worked 1st time and became my third child. I was left with 3 frozen embryos.
Sadly my pregnancy wasn’t lucky and i had crippling anxiety with multiple panic attacks. I had many investigations which didn’t show any heart problem. My resting heart rate was still around 110 most days and went up to 200 during my c-section! I was fine though and they didn’t know why. Many days i thought i could die.
Following the birth of my third child i fell pregnant naturally when my baby was three months. This floored me and the thought of a pregnancy/new baby when i was still just recovering from the birth of my third child terrified me. I was still very anxious and genuinely believed i could die. I was so afraid I’d leave my children motherless I decided to end the pregnancy. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t regret it but my partner reminds me often I may have died as he was so worried when I was pregnant due to all the hospital visits with a racing heart and witnessing the birth.
Recently a sibling has had ivf and has talked endlessly about her embryos and baby plans. She has referred to the embryos as babies and this has been like a dagger to the heart.
This has left me feeling very sad and torn about what i do with my own embryos. Realistically i could put one back but im 44 now and feel i may be too old. Im also scared about the anxiety it may cause me and how my body will react to the pregnancy if it worked. Im in good health but I still have low level anxiety probably resulting from childhood trauma and likely will always be with me. I think the ivf pregnancy just didn’t agree with me for some reason. I wasn’t anxious with my first two pregnancies.
I feel so unbelievably torn and so full of regret that i didnt keep the baby. I feel like if i save one embryo i can make the hollow emptiness that i feel for the termination better.
I know time isn’t on my side now and thats why i need to decide soon. I feel so sad thinking of the embryos left that would be just like my child. The thought that i may have to destroy all of them too breaks my heart. I know i have two choices and times running out. Should I risk a pregnancy at 44 which may trigger my anxiety or destroy the embryos and live with more guilt never knowing what could have been.
Any thoughts appreciated.

No.

I think you are not making your decision to have a child for the right reasons.

You have 3 healthy children, focus on those and on your mental health.

Definitely not.

No

Absolutely not, I would use expletives to emphasise my feeling on the matter but am empathetic to your train of thought, I'd focus on your children, not the embryos and you shouldn't feel guilt about that.

Could you consider donating the embryos?
Counselling does sound like a good idea for you. I know years ago, Marie Stopes International used to offer pre and post termination counselling.
Maybe tell your sister that your unused embryos are playing on your mind and would she possibly not talk about that topic? Otherwise, give her a wide berth. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. You do you.

No!
6 years would be a large gap for siblings getting on.
Even 38 is older in terms of ivf and child behaviour issues, though wohoo is obviously wrong as the blasts were frozen years ago.
44 youll be 64 when they are 20 so still at uni. Plus pregnancy health issues

I was ready to say go for it because I'm currently pregnant with an IVF baby and have frozen embryos that I will most likely transfer at least one of in my 40s.

But it doesn't sound like you really want to add another child to your family and you had such a tough time with your last pregnancy and termination that further pregnancies sound very risky for you. It seems more like your sister has reawakened some trauma within you. Some kind of counselling seems like the best course of action.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

I wouldn’t because of the heart issues. If you’re in atrial fibrillation you could throw a clot. Honestly I wouldn’t ignore your heart issues pregnancy puts a huge strain on it.

I think you need to recognise how triggering your sisters IVF has been and if you had healthy pregnancies I’d say consider it but your last one doesn’t sound safe and the risk isn’t worth it given you have three dc’s!

Risks of pregnancy in over 40s is well documented.
https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/ask-a-midwife/what-happens-if-im-pregnant-over-age-40#riskspregnantover40

No. You really need to concentrate on your children.

You feeling guilty isn’t a reason to have another baby and put your life at risk. Doesn’t matter what your sister says. You need counselling for your past but a new baby

You are also just a cluster of cells and not a very bunch either.

I wouldn't do it. I had IVF and still have 2 frozen embryos but I'm not planning on using them now. I'm glad of my two children and if not for the IVF process I wouldn't have them, but I don't think I would want to go back to the IVF/pregnancy/baby stage and I'm slightly younger than you.

Having a termination was the right decision for you at the time so I don't think you should feel you need to make up for anything.

I think you are asking yourself the wrong question. What you need to consider is could you cope with a 15 year old at 60? x

Hi OP so I'm reading your post and thinking "finally someone I can relate to ! "

My story...Im 43, i have one IVF DD age 10 and 2 frozen embryos from when I was 33. I have awful health anxiety, my pregnancy was a breeze but birth not so much, it left me a little traumatised. I then had a natural chemical pregnancy 3 years later. 2 years after that we decided we were finally ready for a frozen transfer but 2 weeks after making the call lockdown came and everything went on hold. Jan 22, and a surprise natural pregnancy but I went into meltdown. Lockdown and covid had not been kind to me, I'd suffered crippling anxiety, palpitations, had numerous 24hr heart monitors, I was convinced I would die if I continued with the pregnancy. I was almost 41, I'd not taken any prenatals, I'd had alcohol and antibiotics not recommended in pregnancy. We terminated it was too much to process. 7 months later another surprise natural pregnancy, we were ready this time, but it wasn't meant to be, we found out at 13 weeks he was extremely poorly and would not survive. We terminated again.

The last 2 years have been so painful. I grieve but mostly for the first baby as I feel it was a knee jerk reaction, I just needed the right support and all would've been well. We wouldn't of then gone through the 2nd loss. There is of course, no knowing how things would've turned out but in hindsight I was younger and had less risks at 41 than I now have at almost 44.

That being said I have recently been back to the fertility clinic to discuss transfer, because like you I feel a void. The consultant laid out the risks. Chance of miscarriage is the same as in my 30s as it's related to the age of the embryo. My biggest risks are pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes and c section. He said all manageable. There are not many women like me but it's not unheard of. Due to a complicated TFMR I had multiple procedures and he wants to check for scarring before transfer. I'm waiting on a date for that so for now I'm taking it one day at a time until I've had that procedure.

I think asking on here if you should go ahead only attracts replies and opinions from posters who either haven't experienced the pain of loss, fear and being in an impossible situation or they have had those experiences but got pregnant again and completed their family. They are the lucky ones. I've posted a few times since I was 42, and got a lot of in your 60s you'll be running round after a teenager etc. For me I'm a parent now and always will be, it doesn't matter the age of my children in my 60s. At 65 he or she would be 21. I can then retire, 65 is a fairly average age to retire isn't it?!

If you want a fourth I'd say follow your heart. And by that I also mean if you think there may be a heart issue then pay a visit to your GP first. I contacted mine for a general health check before I contacted the fertility clinic. My GP ran some blood tests. A couple of things came back that I'm working on.

There's also quite a few pregnancy over 40 Facebook groups. Loads of women on there successfully having babies into their late 40s because that's what they want for them and their families. You may find the support you need on there.

If I was in your shoes my first step would be a visit to GP, get advice on your health and any risks related to you. Best of luck !

Your sister is being incredibly insensitive and ridiculous

This is what I think. It seems like it’s because of your sister.

I am not debateing slightly higher risks in pregnancy once you hit 35, 40 whatever the age is moving up constantly.
I asked for a quote on "You will have a 1 in 30 chance of having a child with a serious congenital defect over 40. "

Stop scaring women to rush to have children as there arr much more severe consequences for children being born to mothers who cannot afford to be primary providers. Just look up domestic abuse statistics and its affect on children

I would focus on the family you have rather than the slim chance of an embryo developing after IVF. I would seek therapy to come to terms with what’s happened; see your sister less if she’s unsettling you.