How long should baby stay with mum

[caitx747]

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and me and baby dad are not together. I have said from the start that I plan on breastfeeding.

He has said he wants the baby overnight from at least 3 months old but personally I think that is too young for a baby to leave their mum for so long. It would also mean I would have to express and I worry baby would not latch on again and I would be forced to stop breastfeeding. I also think it would disrupt the baby's routine too much and I worry about me not being there if baby was unwell or anything were to happen.

I have told him he is welcome to come and see baby whenever he wants in the day time so is it unreasonable that I don't want him to have baby overnight when they are still very young? I don't see why he needs to have baby overnight when they would just be sleeping when he can see baby all day.

What's your opinions on this? Do you think I should let him have baby overnight?

For some context we are young parents (aged 18 and 19) and so we are both living with family atm. I haven't met his family and he expressed to me that he doesn't know how to change a nappy or make a bottle so I just worry about baby. I know this is something he will learn with time but I think 3 months is too young for baby to leave me. What do you think?

No way. Me and my partner are together and live together but even if it was to go to my own mothers no way in hell that young is baby being away from me over night. I'm 25 weeks and been talking about this recently. I'd leave baby with there nan at our house for a couple of hours from like 6 months if we needed to pop out or something but that's it. Baby won't be staying out until he's a toddler atleast.

Me and my sons dad split when my lb was 8 months old. I insisted on no overnights until after he was 1 when we got weaning established as I was breastfeeding, but like you offered daytime contact instead. I don’t think I was unreasonable as wasn’t cutting contact just overnights would have affected feeding

You’ll find it may be all talk till baby actually arrives.

my son’s dad and I agreed no overnights until 6 months old in the end he didn’t offer any over nights until he was 2!

Does he have any idea how often a 3 month old baby will need attention overnight? He'll probably change his mind when he realises this!

I'm pretty sure there's no way that we will be able to insist on overnight stays anytime soon if you're breastfeeding and offering contact in the day.

3 month old baby, overnight with him, no way. Especially if you're exclusively breastfeeding. If he's not happy he can pay to take it to family court when baby is born (around £200 just to apply for that) and even then he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Don’t give the baby his surname when you register the birth, and make sure you go to that appointment alone. You're not married so if he doesn't accompany you when registering the birth, he won't be given parental responsibility equal to you. You do not want him to have that, seriously. You can't undo that. I can't stress that point enough.
I was a young Mum too and made the mistake of taking long ago ex and he was put on the birth certificate and to this day (DD is almost 13) he has equal parental responsibility even though he disappeared off the face of the earth 5 years ago. DD can't change her last name to mine without his permission until she turns 16.
There was severe domestic abuse involved with him and it's been such an utter relief that he's been gone all of this time. It allowed me to finally bring my DD up freely. You need to safeguard your child and you for the future.
You are young and he might step up, but he also might not. So get yourself sorted and prepared to do this alone and cut out the crap legally as a start. If he wants to redeem himself in future, he's welcome to try. But you safeguard your baby and make sure that he's the one who has to fight to be in their life. I wish you the best of luck, it's gonna be bloody hard, but you've got this Mama. Follow all advice you'll be given to protect you and baby. Most of it will be not allowing him to be on the birth certificate.

Too young.

The baby’s needs come first, and they will need you. You aren’t some vessel delivering his offspring, you’re a human and a mother and you will have a connection that benefits him both. I’d honestly say 1 year.

He will have 18 long years of parenting to enjoy his child. He can wait 9 months longer than he wants to have baby overnight if he cares about their wellbeing

Can you move away from him before you give birth? Maybe give yourself six months before he can start pushing you for contact.

A judge wouldn’t order a 3 month old to do overnights. Young babies feed like every 3 hours at that age (more often if it’s a growth spurt) and a judge wouldn’t order you to stop breastfeeding either. If the baby was over 12 months old then baby would be weaned so can cope with much less breast feeding but don’t worry if he threatens court over this - you are right !

Sometimes men like this have mothers who are very keen to look after babies overnight so it’s her rather than him doing the work. I don’t want to generalise about men that age (I have a son that age ) but is he likely to buy car seats, cots etc ?

YouTube will have a nappy changing video that he could watch so hopefully he will learn from there. I didn’t have a mum to show me stuff but YT is excellent for how to videos.

Far too young to be separated from mum BF or not as you don't know if you'll br able to manage it - it's hard ! Also the comment you make you don't know why he wants the baby overnight when it will just be sleeping - it won't be sleeping much at night at that age

Thank you. He lives with his nan but I have had messages from his mum who seems to be that way.

No he has not bought anything for baby, he hasn't offered and I haven't asked him. I have bought the cots, car seat, clothes etc which is another thing he would need to do. The baby needs a safe space to sleep if they were to stay at his house and I'm afraid he would just sleep with baby in his bed which I'm against as that really worries me.

I don't think he fully understands what a baby needs and how hard parenting will actually be and I just want to keep my baby safe and I don't feel comfortable with the baby leaving me. I will be the baby's primary care giver and I just want to be there for the baby and hopefully be a comfort to them if they were ill or whatever.

I just think the baby will get used to their cot at mine and i eventually want to get into a bed time routine and to then have the baby move to a place that is unknown to them with a different cot and stuff would be very unsettling to them. I worry he wouldn't tell me if baby was upset and not sleeping there just so I would keep allowing him to have the baby overnight. It also may disrupt their routine when they are back with me which isn't the end of the world but also not ideal.

He has said that the baby will not have a routine as we both want to be involved in the baby's life. I didn't understand this as just from looking after younger cousins and nieces overnight and listening to other family members, they all said the earlier you get them into a routine the better and I have seen that. I don't understand why he couldn't follow a routine (by this I mean stuff like having a bath, then being fed, and a set time for them to go to bed) as I don't think this is a big ask.

It's so stressful atm I feel like I can't enjoy my pregnancy and get excited as we are constantly arguing and he's not listening to my reasoning for things and I've spent the past weeks just crying and not getting any sleep worrying that he is going to take the baby. It can't go on like this

Try not to worry. It's all talk at this stage. Nobody can make you give him the baby at 3 months old. When baby's here you can make arrangements for him to come and spend time with the baby during the day. I'd just nod along when he starts talking about it. Don't commit to anything for now. Just know that without going to court he can insist until the cows come home but he can't make you give him the baby overnight.

@caitx747 I dont believe that he want overnights from three months old!! it will be his mother who wants the baby overnight! as far as I know, grandparents have no rights to your baby! he has already admitted that he doesnt know how to change a nappy!! remember, at this point, you hold all the cards. he does NOT get access to hospital appointments including scans etc. I wouldnt even have him at the birth!

No way. I am 35 and pregnant and going through a break up. The baby will not be leaving me overnight for a long time, we won't be setting a time as we don't know the baby yet. It could be chilled and very bonded with the dad. It could be a velcro baby to me.

Don't give your baby his surname.

My advice would be to stop engaging with the arguments, he doesn't get to bully you about what to do, prioritise what you think the baby and you will need.

To me it sounds more like his Nan and Mum are instigating this.

I would say at about age two or possibly older.. before any over night stays.
And older than one (and weaned) before the Dad can care for the baby for two or three hours.
You want the experience to be positive for both the father and baby. You don't want the baby to fret, need breast feeding etc or be staying with strangers..

I think it is in your baby's best interest that you also meet the child's grandparents. You need to feel comfortable with anyone who might look after your baby for a few hours.
Invite the grandparents to the baby's home early on rather than having your ex take the baby and the baby feeling distraught.

You are the main care giver.
The baby cognitively understands it is part of you for many months.

The recommendation is to breastfeed until age 2. From all the threads I’ve read, a judge does not allow overnights on a breastfed baby before age 2. A judge will also not allow nights before the dad and baby have had regular contact and taken care of your baby during the day.

As others have said, do not put him on the birth certificate and give your baby your name. Traditionally children have their mum’s name it’s just traditionally most women in the past were married.

He sounds like an immature mummy’s boy and can absolutely stick his demands. What is the back story behind him living with his nan rather than mum? I’m just wondering if there’s tension between him and his mum. That’s another thing to consider.

Bless you - it must be such a stressful time for you - arguing while pregnant is horrible I know (I had many rows with my then husband throughout mine unfortunately!)

There is a positive to this situation, tho it may not feel like it now. Many men his age (and any age) would have little to no interest in the baby. Some would have disappeared altogether.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he does sound like a committed and enthusiastic (if clueless and misguided) young future dad..... Hopefully once baby is here that enthusiasm can be channeled into stuff that is ACTUALLY helpful to you and the baby, like taking them for a day for a while to give you chance to get stuff done/sleep.

Nights with a little baby can be really HARD - I don't know if this would be an option for you, but if you do find you struggle, would you even possibly consider letting your ex stay over in the spare room if you have one, maybe have the baby in with him (NOT in his bed obviously), do nappy change when needed and comfort and only bring them through to you when they are hungry - like a night nanny if that is the right name for it? (Some moms employ someone to stay over and do this occasionally or for short periods when they are struggling to cope, or unwell, or just need more sleep!)

If possible TRY to avoid arguing with him - for your own mental health and also because, it would be a marvellous thing for your baby if the two of you can somehow forge a really strong co-parenting relationship, and baby gets two absolutely committed and loving and involved parents (it can definitely be done).

But you are quite right, no overnights until you feel comfortable and baby is weaned -might be at least a year before you feel ready and he just needs to suck that up. But everything WILL change when baby is here - how you feel, how he feels - your whole worlds are going to change, so making exact plans at this stage may not be the best idea. Also as someone said up thread, BF is brilliant if you want to do it but maybe don't totally set your heart on it as sadly it does prove impossible for a small number of women; and others find it too hard, and damaging to their own mental health, so sensibly decide to stop. You are very likely to be able to manage it with good support, but it's not 100% guaranteed and I always think it's best to at least accept that on advance, and imagine the possible alternative and the fact it will be fine.

If you do breastfeed, your hormones will not allow you to do this! You would have had to prise my 3 month old babies from my cold dead arms before I’d have let them leave me for a night at 3 months old.

Neither you nor your ex will really appreciate what it’s like until the baby is here. I was 31 having DC1 and was still horribly naive about what being a parent involved. For now tell him that you won’t be doing overnights until the baby is much older, and then don’t engage further.

When the baby arrives you can do lots of daytime contact, but with you present. If he really wants to be a good dad he will be ok with this.

Absolutely no way. 12 months minimum before an overnight stay and even then it will be tough on him (and you) if you're still breastfeeding. And even if you're not, it won't be an easy transition. Baby should be with you.

This is true. And the mothers (grandma and mum) suggesting this know that. It’s bullying plain and simple.

Edit - to add, I actually think op had more of a clue than me and I was even older than you when I had dd…

Op, I wouldn't worry too much.

My ex demanded overnights and 50:50. I ignored his demands until DS was 12 months old (still breast feeding). I just told him no and ignored the complaining. He was too lazy to take me to court, and I knew he'd lose anyway.

Then I offered ex to look after DS from Friday morning until Friday evening as a trial, at my house, while I was redecorating a room, to check he could cope before having DS overnight.

Ex took over, I retreated up a ladder in the spare bedroom Ex then discovered that toddlers throw food, refuse to eat or sleep, produce spectacularly awful nappies and require constant attention or they wreck electronics, knock drinks onto the carpet or fall and then scream.

At 2pm he said something urgent had come up at work and could I take DS back 😂😂😂

He then didn't have DS overnight until DS was 5, was toilet trained and could use a knife and fork. Even then he only did 20 nights a year.

It may feel like a very negative/suspicious way to start out co-parenting but I agree with the people who suggest that you should protect yourself and not put his name on the birth certificate. I have a friend whose life is literally being ruined by a manipulative ex who is using their child to sabotage her life. He has taken her to court and denounced her to social services as a bad mother when nothing could be further from the truth. He has no interest in the child (he moved to a different city three hours away as soon as the baby was born even though he was unemployed and could have stayed close by!) but is just ‘weaponising’ the child, even to the point where it is damaging to the child’s well-being. It’s such a sad situation. Apparently in many countries this is recognized as a form of harassment but not in France where we live.
i think your commitment to co parenting with him is very admirable but you are young and need to protect yourself in the long run. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and then try to work with him within reason (and that means no overnights with baby so young either!)

Contact before 6 months needs to be short but regular like an hour a day and is mostly for dad and baby to bond.

From 6 months - the age many baby's go to nursery, contact can be made longer gradually until it reflects a nursery day. DD eventually did Tuesdays and Thursday 8:30 - 3pm, and when she started nursery at 3 this became Wednesday after nursery till 6pm and Saturday 8:30 - 6pm.

Overnight contact I had written in to our court order to not start until DD was 4 years old. She would do Wednesday after school until 6pm and EOW, however she never actually liked sleeping over so he would bring her back at 6pm Sat And pick her up again 8:30 Sun.

Other things I included were;

• Christmas and DDs birthday alternated , Christmas eve 12-noon to 12 noon boxing day - this meant she would enjoy the specific time period with whatever family she was with and we just recreated our own Christmas time on the 27-29/12
• Parents birthday and mothers / fathers day spent with relevant parent

DD was almost three before we completely finished the court process but it was overall a positive experience for me. Input forward reasonable and age appropriate suggestions and court was happy to sign off on them and didn't even amend them. DDs dad got told he was unrealistic and young babies need their mum - obviously not everyone's experience is the same though.

But at 18 weeks, you don't need to worry about any of this or making plans. You need to focus on you and the baby being healthy and well.

I would go ahead assuming you are going it alone and purchase things with that in mind. He will need things at his house too and I would keep everything separate as you'll just resent him if he doesn't look after the expensive pushchair or doesn't return clothes.Alot of this is probably being encouraged by enthusiastic grandmas who have forgotten what the early months are like. Try to have a positive mindset about his time with baby, it is good for both of them and allows you time to rest and do things that aren't 'mum' related which is good gir your MH.

What is it with grannies wanting babies overnight? Especially when they're weeks old... So weird.

I'm going to echo what PPs have said- don't put him on the birth certificate. And absolutely don't let him have any overnights until you and your baby feel ready- and YOU are the judge of when you think your baby feels ready, no one else.

I'm so sorry you're having this stress during your pregnancy- I would tell him that, as he is causing you so much stress, he either stops hassling you or you block him.