Dreading the fuss of having a baby

[jsep]

This may sound awful but i am dreading the fuss of when my first baby is born! I am due in 1 weeks and i am so independent etc and just dreading in laws coming over etc! They are hysterical when excited etc which i cant bare, i know i sound miserable and its lovely everyone is excited but i just cant deal with the hysteria.
Dreading all the change etc, like how my relationships with people will change and things and how people may be around more.
I just dont deal well with change and this is putting such a dampener on things and i cant help it, is this normal?

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, try not to worry and remember you can set boundaries.

If it’s any consolation it usually wears of pretty quickly and the people who were desperate to meet baby when you give birth seem to have almost forgotten that baby even exists a few months later!

Thank-you❤️
I think even like setting boundaries like everyone kind of judges you and see's you as 'uptight' etc! I worry about what people thing too much etc! Defo an overthinker😂

Hey. Not much advice but I’m feeling completely the same. I’m so excited and in love with my babies (expecting twins) within myself but when others are showing excitement and telling me they can’t wait to meet them. I’m just like no… Go away 😂 (that’s what I say in my head of course!)

This is literally exactly how i feel😂😂
The thought of like people being all over my baby, just is alot isnt it!

You need to stop caring what other people think of you. So what if you are uptight. You are the mother. You are in charge.

remember that you are the one who is going to be recovering from childbirth while also caring for a newborn. The father is there in the trenches with you, but it is not physically the same. This is why you get to set the rules and set your boundaries. This is why it is ok to say you are tired or overwhelmed.

your only job those first couple of weeks is to recover, nurse, and take care of the baby. The father’s job is to support you. The family can come and meet the baby, but you aren’t a hostess. You can continue to focus on your primary goals. Other people should be helping you, not the other way around.

Thankyou❤️
I know i think i just need the initial meetings etc just like over with.
Im very independent so not used to having to ask for potential help and i like being on my own etc! I think its just going to be a big change and i get that everyone is excited but i think some people forget its a massive thing for just us having our first child and will need to be patient with us!
I just want the first few weeks over which sounds awful, shouldn't be wishing life away!

I felt exactly the same. Hated the extra attention in pregnancy and once baby was here. Also felt a bit like a ‘carrier’ to my in laws who weren’t very interested in me/us until I fell pregnant.

I am a massive people pleaser but surprisingly have been really firm with my boundaries - probably the hormones. We saw (and still see) family but on our terms, not expected terms.

If it helps, you might feel differently when the baby arrives. My partner and I were very prepared to turn people away for the first couple of weeks but then as soon as he got here we wanted to show him off to everybody 😅😅 definitely not saying that will be you but you never know!

Oh reading this sounds so familiar to me, I agree with you! Whilst it's lovely people care or want to be involved I also find it suffocating!

I had my first in lockdown so completely different challenges but not having people be able to flood round to see him was actually lovely but this time round it won't be the same!

Yeah i feel the same with the in laws! They have nothing much else going on in their lives so i feel unbelievable amount of pressure with them for some reason and never heard from them so much🙄😂
I think i just need to be confident with my boundaries and take each day as it comes! Thankyou!!!

I am hoping this is the case to be honest! I think its just a few people i want to get 'over with' sounds bad but i do then hopefully i can relax and enjoy showing them off more!!

I should have timed this baby in lockdown, that would have been ideal for me😂😂

This isnwhy i don't go round for the first month to see newborns esp if it's there first. I find it's a much better visit then because there is abit of routine, the nervousness has worn off and there has been some recovery for the mum.

First of all your feelings are completely valid and it's also really normal to feel like you need space, peace and time to yourself and to bond with your baby. Don't ever feel guilty for setting boundaries and rules as such, especially in the first few weeks. My third baby is due next month and I've had comments such as 'can't wait to see you all on Christmas Day', 'Christmas this year will be so hectic'. No it bloody won't because I won't be seeing anyone except my own household. You need to set boundaries with your family and your husband needs to set boundaries with his and I definitely would make it clear no visitors until you are ready and that means no dropping by unannounced or putting pressure on you. First baby is always a really anxious time because it's fear of the unknown but you will be absolutely fine ☺️

This is why I delayed letting family know about pregnancy. Could not bear all the fuss. All the questions, all the expectation. Sometimes it feels like this thing which was supposed to be exciting for you is ruined by other people's excitement!

I will defo be doing the same going forward! It really makes you realise!!

Thank you so much! Yeah i think thats it, fear of the unknown and it being out of my control! Im finding hard!
And yes having a baby so close to christmas is alot, everyone wants to do things and im like 'im going to have a 4 week old and would like to spend some time with just me baby and dad, i dont want loads of commitments' its hard work but defo setting some boundaries and being confident with them im hoping to be fine!

Literally you have summed it up 'other peoples excitement can ruin yours'
I think people forget its our first baby, like yes amazing its your first grandchild/niece/nephew cousin etc but like its our baby and its our massive change in our life!
It can be so overbearing and people don't mean to be but they really do make it about them!

Have a think I'm the next couple of days about what really matters to you as boundaries. For me it was no visiting if you are ill, no kissing baby on face and wash hands before cuddles. I would also recommended staying in dressing gown in the first few weeks of visitors so they don't feel too happy to stay for extended periods and feel free to take baby upstairs with you for feeds if you're uncomfortable doing that in front of in laws. MIL and your mum will likely try to hog baby but you are in charge so stand firm on what is happening and when. Also, only hand them over for cuddles when you are happy to, do not accept having anyone take baby out of your arms. Have a chat with dp and explain you expect him to support whatever you decide and need at the time. Good luck to you.

@jsep after the birth of my first I was very hormonal (obviously) and struggling and really got upset when I went over to my parents house to find they'd received multiple "congratulations on your grandchild!" Cards. I don't know why it bothered me so much. Maybe the hormones. But with everything going on I just felt like screaming "what did you do?!" Like how many hours of labour did you endure, how much of your body has been ripped apart and leaking milk. How completely upturned is your life? Something about people congratulating them, people I didn't even know, treating it like it was their personal achievement. I think it's partly that whole thing of sort of losing your identity after birth, while you are pregnant you are cared for but as soon as that baby is born it can feel like your purpose is served and you can sit in the background now serving cups of tea while others hold your baby.

Completely irrational, of course. But also greatly upsetting. Sorry, rant over!!!

I was like this too when I had my baby last year.
As it went on (she was a tiny premie, so the fuss wasn't over as quickly as most and strangers would comment 'she's so small!' for months), I realised there was an unhealed part of me somewhere that didn't like this because nobody had ever made a fuss of me. I was uncomfortable, and when I dug deep a little 'oh, no you care!'.
Thought I'd share incase something similar comes up for you - I worked through it quickly, and actually now find myself better at letting people fuss me (within limits) and expressing when I expect a fuss (usually just expect DH to be interested in something I'm saying/need for attention).

Parenting brings up things like this ALOT!

These are such good tips thankyou so much and so nice to hear other peoples boundaries are very similar to mine! Defo dont feel as uptight now!

I can sympathise with your position and concerns as I was in a broadly similar position myself.

DH and I had been together for not far off 20 years before we had our DC. We were and still are fiercely independent for a variety of reasons.

I gave birth just as all the Covid stuff was coming to an end so it was easy to keep the boundaries while I was pregnant. I don’t think most people even knew I was pregnant until about 8 weeks before I gave birth.

From day 1 we were very much in control of what happened. We made sure we had our own time and space and didn’t allow ourselves to get overrun by others.

We were fortunate as we didn’t need any support from anyone either logistically or financially so everything was and still is done very much on our own terms. I suspect those who are reliant on extended family may not find that as easy to do as we did.

Either way, make your boundaries clear and don’t budge them regardless of how overbearing others maybe.

As first time parents the first few weeks together as a family away from everyone else are magical and you only get once chance to experience them so don’t let others take that away from you.

Get loads of sleep before your DC arrives and then enjoy every minute with them.

I felt exactly the same and HATE asking for help (even from my husband). I refused my parents’ offers to help clean or tidy pre-birth as it felt really invasive and like I was incompetent, which I know wasn’t what they intended.

However a couple of weeks post birth and I have to say the excitement and love directed towards our baby from friends and family is so wonderful to see. And I’ll accept help from any old sod now! I stayed in bed cuddling the baby the other day while my mum vacuumed the house and it was delightful.

Omg no i completely get this and can so relate!!
Im quite lucky where my mum and dad are very laid back and know not to overwhelm me and know im independent but somehow the in laws seem to trigger me abit as its their 'first grandchild'.
For example she started pushing my pram round last time she came and it completely triggered me, i thought why? You haven't had to folk out over a grand on this and not helped. They buy what 'they' want to buy as its their first time they can do this etc! Stuff like this irritates me, just be helpful and buy stuff like nappies etc and let us enjoy buying some clothes and bits and bobs if we want to. I sound ungrateful but it literally is a case of just finding other people's excitement just overwhelming and too much!