Pregnancy at 40 year old! What would you do?

[2025almostthere]

I just turned 40, blessed with 3 boys from a previous relationship (eldest 16, youngest 9). I just found out I am pregnant and I am completely panicking. I am with a new partner, really love him, feeling really maternal, but at the same time petrified of another pregnancy especially given the age gap with my kids. For context, I also had pre-eclampsia at the age of 28, I lost my second baby at 8 months pregnant and almost lost my life (this was 12 years ago). I went on to have 2 other boys with no complications since, but given my age I am v scared of complications but also v worried of the age difference between the kids.

What would you do in my shoes?

I would focus on parenting the children I already have in your shoes. Imagine something going wrong and your 16 year old trying to pick up the pieces for their younger siblings?

Very true!

Me personally would have made sure I was never ever getting in that place tbh

But here you are and yes its scary and shit and too much to take in

Well woman? Brook Street? GP?

You need to discuss this, come to a conclusion that you can live with

I dont know how far along you are, but hopefully you have a couple of weeks in which to get advice and support, Back in my day there was nowt and I was child free within 2 weeks , which was shockingly short come thinking about it. Hindsight says if I did have time to work it all out, thing would be different today

Use every minute you have to make the right decision for you

Since you did ask what others would do - I would have an abortion. I had my kids in my 20s and I could not have started it all again in my 40s.

You've got time to think about what you truly want. Let the shock wear off and take some time to think about what's best for you.

Hmm i don't think like the age gap is the most important thing here. I would carefully cosnider the health topics and have a few consultations on it. Also what is the partners opinion on that, like would he love to have kids with you as you dont actually have kids together sort of.
I'm more like go for it rather than the abortion, but eventually it's up to you.

Hi there, If you feel you have the time love and patience(maternal) like you say and you're current partner is prepared to support you along the way I definitely wouldn't make age or age gaps a reason to terminate as someone who has previously done this thinking all the negatives made it the right choice it totally wasent and I have lived with the guilt & regret ever since I am by no means judgemental I just feel you have to be a very strong kind of person and 100 sure you're reasons are the right ones. It sounds like you have a loving relationship and a baby is a blessing in that environment the older kids might huff and puff at first as there lives will be affected to but ultimately they will love there sibling too. Medically it is fair to feel anxious with a history but no dr can answer how this will go or any pregnant woman's would go its unfair for people to say imagine if you're children had to pick up the peices etc this puts pressure to abort in a case that deep down may be a wanted loved baby in life everyday and every thing we do is a risk it van change in minute's and leave our families in those scenario's but we can't all live our lives thinking this or we wouldn't be living. You asked for advice what we would do and in this case I would listen to my heart and not my mind if I had my chance again.

Also just to add a termination can feel like the easy option pretend like it never happend and move onwards from my experience the result isn't this it never leaves you and mentally breaks you its a constant dark cloud if you are not sure its the right thing to do.

Gosh, @2025almostthere , what a dilemma.

I had a surprise (!) baby at 38 with older DCs in the mix and despite my worries I have not regretted it for a moment. I was married then mind you, though not now. But my XH was not keen and suggested a termination. 15 years on I’m glad I didn’t

I had my children in my 20s…then another at 39 and 10 months (basically 40).

I love it! Lovely gap as o wasn’t pulled every which way. More confident in my parenting. But you have to do what is right for you. Age is really the least important part of your decision

I already had 4 DCs when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant at just turned 40. I was so upset, crying etc. It wasn't the easiest pregnancy but my now 4.5 year old DD is the light of all of our lives and I couldn't imagine not having her. Congratulations OP! Children are a blessing

I’m 24, my dad is early 50s and step mum early 40s. My 2 little sisters are 5&3, love them to bits, don’t mind the age gap. I’m sure my step mum was also shocked but couldn’t imagine life without them. Congratulations!

Personally, I'd have a termination if I got pregnant now (at 40). I'm too old to have a baby now. Other people might feel young enough still but I'm not the person I was in my twenties. I've got serious health issues. Even without those, I'm creaky and tired. It was difficult enough in my prime and I'm way past that.

I'd have an abortion if I found out early

As long as you're healthy now then there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't have a healthy baby and pregnancy. I'd speak to a midwife about your concerns around health. Fundamentally it comes down to "do you want the baby or not". If you do then have it. If you don't then don't. Fwiw I had 2 healthy babies post 40. I had pre eclampsia with my 1st age 25. I have a 20 yr gap between eldest and youngest. 4 yrs between the youngest 2.

@DoctorAngelface if you really feel like that at 40 you need to see a doctor! I'm nearly 49 and don't ache, creek, or lack energy.

Sorry @DoctorAngelface I missed you have health issues - I take back what I said x

Geez no. I’ve worked with children with disabilities it’s exhausting, the parents are worn out, marriages don’t usually last, siblings get neglected. I just wouldn’t risk it at 40.

In your situation I would have an abortion. You already have 3 kids from 9 to 16. The 16 year old could be doing GCSE, going into A level or starting into some other education or training.
The younger kids are in secondary school and coming up to that age. It gets more expensive as they get older. Also at that stage they need your support re school, college ect.

You had previous hard pregnancies and births. I think that with your age the same could happen again and it could be worse this time.

At 40 you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs. Not all special needs show up on scans or tests. I know several people who have sn kid's with either physical or mental conditions and in some cases both. The parents are physically and mentally exhausted trying to look after them, are fighting for services and respite. It had a major impact on the parents and the other kid's lives.

In your situation I would consider what's best for you and the 3 children you already have.

Thank you. Unfortunately my condition is incurable so has put the kibosh on several things already, further children included.

That said, I have never been desperate for more. I decided a long time ago that motherhood was too exhausting. I've never been able to countenance the idea of going mad from lack of sleep again.

Thank you all. A lot to think about!

I had a pregnancy scare earlier this year. My situation is fairly insecure financially because we're renting and can barely afford enough rooms as it is. So in my situation I was prepared to terminate but it wouldn't have been an easy decision.

I wouldn't be concerned about your age or age gap. I had my first at 40 and second at 42. I think my biggest concern would be the risk of complications. I think you need to ask to see someone who can give you a clear picture of the actual risks involved before you make a decision.

So about a week on since I found out I am pregnant and I am still on 2 minds about this. Kids can be a blessing, but they're also hard work. I also found out today that it's a twin pregnancy. How is that even possible with fertility rates supposedly at 5% each month once you're over 40?

So basically the risks are higher. I am waiting to speak with a GP today. I am just all emotional about this and I don't want to choose.

Wow what a decision for you. Re twins the chances are higher the older you are. I had a surprise pregnancy at 40 (10 years ago) and I regret the termination to this day. However I do not know how I would have felt if I'd continued and if it would have been healthy etc. You need to make the right decision for yourself. I tried to think what was better for my partner and older children and I should have been selfish.
Congratulations