First time dad

[Noah2000]

Hi, I know this is a site called mums net but I'm hoping I can still get some advice as a first time dad. My partner is pregnant, she's suffering badly with morning sickness, no energy but is still working full time. I'm hoping for some advice so that I can ease her mind and hopefully take some of the stress. I was wondering where is the best place to buy baby stuff (travel system, next to me, travel cot, steriliser etc...) I know money won't solve the issue but I'm hoping if I can get everything bought it may ease her mind and in turn help her feel less sick and she may be able to keep food down. Thank you in advance 😁😁

Assuming this is first trimester sickness, then it’s too early to be really buying things. When you do buy things, you want to buy things both discussing what you would like, please don’t buy a travel system without her input. She’s going to be the one pushing it most, especially on maternity leave but be willing to discuss it later in the pregnancy. Where is best is going to depend on sales or proximity to shops, there isn’t necessarily one best place to buy everything now.

If you want to help her at the minute, do more housework and let her rest. If you want to show her you’re excited, pick up a multipack of neutral baby grows from sainsburys or next in newborn as sainsburys and next are newborn up to 9/10lb and so you’ll be fine even if you have a bigger baby. This is first month size in some shops.

Hi, I'm already doing all the housework and cooking etc😁 and I have every intention of letting her choose the stuff she wants however she won't be the main one pushing the pram etc as we're equally parents and it won't all fall on her. I'm more looking at where's best for quality etc so her minds at rest knowing our baby will be safe, looked after and she won't have the stress about money😁

I echo the housework! The least sexy job to pick up all of but it makes the world of difference.

If you want to look at ways to prepare/investigate, may I suggest finding what your budget is likely to be and therefore where you might shop, and suggest to your partner a visit together to the closest ones to browse/speak to advisors. John Lewis offers this and it's amazing, I didn't make many purchases at the time but just being able to talk options through and see what was available in a calm, gentle environment was amazing 🤩

Hi, I am already doing all the housework and cooking etc. I've been saving for years as I'm not a big spender usually so budget wise it isn't an issue. I just want her to know she can get the best quality for our baby😁

Just seen the update about housework. Happy days :)

Another thing to consider is having a conversation (if your money isn't already joint) about how you intend to cover the shortfall in finances during maternity leave. From what I've read on MN lots of mums end up still covering 'their share' of the bills from savings and this puts them in a vulnerable position. Having a plan from the outset seems to be a way to avoid this!

Thank you for the advice😁 I have enough to comfortable cover bills whilst she is on maternity leave and have made it very clear if she decides to stay home after maternity leave that is absolutely fine by me. We're a team and I'm perfectly happy for to be a stay at home mum if she chooses to do so. Her and the baby will always be my number 1 priority and they will always come first😁

Our money isn't already joint at present. However, if she does choose to stay home then of course all money will be our money😁 money comes and goes, memories last a lifetime in my opinion. What's mine is hers and always will be

You’re saying all the right things but she will be the main person pushing the pram whilst on maternity leave and beyond. I found pram shopping etc exciting and I would be disappointed if someone took that away from me in the first trimester when I felt rough and apprehensive that the pregnancy might go wrong. How about you book a days holiday after the 12 week scan to go to the baby shops like mamas and papas or John Lewis to start looking at prams?

Hi, I'm not taking anything away from her? As I said I want her to choose everything she wants, I'll just buy it. However I disagree that she will be the main one pushing it. We're 50/50, not 80/20 etc😁

When she is on maternity leave, she will be the main one pushing the pram. You will push the pram when you aren’t working but she will be the one pushing it whilst you’re at work and she isn’t. I was out most days with the pram on maternity leave. So she will be the one doing most of the pram pushing. After that, sure it might be 50/50 but also after that you might not be using the travel system that much. You might have moved to a fold up buggy or a trike. In terms of mileage and days with it, she will probably use the travel system far more than you will and so what a previous poster is saying is that it’s a big bit of equipment that you will use everyday and to have someone make that choice for you, would be like taking a decision away from her.

If you’re going to be a full 50/50 parent the test will not be if you push the pram 50% of the time, which you won’t because she’ll naturally be out more when on maternity leave. That’s fine, nobody is judging you for not being able to push the pram as much as she will. The test of being a 50/50 parent will be when she can leave the house and leave you with the baby without doing a full handover, you’ll just know where the wipes and nappies are. You’ll know what time they need feeding and how much milk to give them, how to store breast milk is she is expressing, how to prepare a bottle, where the clothes are, where the changing bag and what you need in the changing bag.

On finances, it’s not if she decides to be a stay at home mum that her finances will start being impacted. It’s on maternity leave (or earlier if she has to go on sick leave). It will be picking up things for baby when she is out like nappies or wipes and all of that adds up. It’ll be the reduction in wages when she goes on to SMP. It’s the reduction in pension contributions when on maternity leave and it’s also student loan if she has one, she will below the threshold for repayments on SMP but she’ll still be accusing interest for that year. So the discussion on finances should happen whilst she is pregnant and not towards the end of maternity leave when she doesn’t want to leave the baby and she is considering childcare as her expense only and not a shared expense.

Hi, I do get where you're coming from in regards to the pram etc. I will of course know where everything is, how to store and prepare breast milk, how to look after the baby etc. At the end of the day this baby is as much mine as hers and it's a partnership😁 her student loan is already repaid in full and other than that she has no other debts or car costs etc as I cover these as her birthday gift. I have already set up a separate bank account that I transfer money into each month so that when I'm working she can go wherever, do whatever, buy whatever her and the baby want. I want her to have fun on maternity leave and make memories. She doesn't need to worry about finances, as soon as she goes on maternity leave her maternity pay can go into her savings or she can buy anything she wants etc. I'll cover bills and other expenses as well as days out, luxuries. I have a separate savings account for unexpected costs to be covered alongside my other accounts. As I said, finances aren't an issue. I'm lucky enough (and unlucky enough) to have inherited a sum of money as well as the fact I have worked since the age of 14 and have never been a big spender. I'm perfectly happy to cover expenses and she can be a stay at home mum if she wishes or she can go back to work and childcare costs won't be an issue. 😁

It's really considerate of you to come on here posting asking how you can look after your significant other and make her feel a bit better.

The symptoms you are describing are unfortunately very normal - the first trimester especially can be brutal but some symptoms carry on and new ones appear as the pregnancy progresses. From my personal experiences, I've found both pregnancies very difficult and the 'glow' everyone talks about completely passed me by in my first pregnancy and doesn't seem to be arriving in my current pregnancy either!

I'm 19 weeks now and having my husband help with housework is great. Also little things like running a bath (not too hot), giving an impromptu foot rub, booking a nail appointment, just leaving her to have a long lie in etc have been lovely little touches. Things that will make your partner feel appreciated and supported - she's growing an actual human inside her body don't forget and it can really take its toll on a person.

It's also important to be a little extra tolerant and understanding. Pregnancy hormones are crazy and if she's snapping at you or getting angry, impatient etc it's likely to be that. Try not to take it too personal.

Not sure how many weeks she is but most people don't start buying baby things until 25 weeks minimum. You'll also probably find that that's something you'll both want to do together. It's one of the more exciting/ less stressful pre baby things to consider so neither of you will want to miss out on that experience. As a side note with that, i don't think anyone is suggesting you won't be equal parents but it's a simple fact that if your partner is on maternity leave while you are working for the first 6/9/12 months + then naturally it's your partner who will be doing more of the day to day baby care and walks with the pram etc at that time. Don't take it as a dig, it's just how it will be. Parenting, just like relationships, is rarely 50/50: at some points she will be doing a lot more than you but at other times you will be doing more. It's a partnership and you will settle into your routine and what works best for you all as a family.

Maybe instead of buying baby things, you could look to take her on a little shopping trip after the 12 week scan for some maternity clothes?

You're going to have the rest of your lives as a '3' or more so make this time about your partner and about you as a couple - maybe you could book a surprise baby moon?

Stuff you can do...

Research which xar seats are the safest and fit in your car (and compatible prams if you want to go down route)

Find the best places to go baby shopping

Clear out any of your own junk which is on the room that will become the babies room and get it ready for decoration if necessary.

Get a joint account sorted now

If she going part time or SAHM... discuss marriage.

And mainly... be there for her.

The best thing you can do is in the third trimester book a 90 minute appointment in John Lewis’s baby department where they talk you through everything you might need and you can try out lots of different prams etc and ask questions.

@sel2223 I totally get what you're saying😁 and I feel awful that I can't take the sickness away from her! I wish there was more I could do! Luckily I'm naturally a very calm person and I totally get her hormones and moods are all over the place and she can't help that whatsoever and I understand that. She's growing a human inside her, she's perfectly entitled to be grumpy and snappy lol. As a man I can't even begin to understand what she's currently going through. I just wish I could do more for her. I personally understand that her motherly instincts are going to make her want to choose the stuff for the baby, I'll obviously still get a say but I totally want her to choose what she wants and what she's comfortable with etc. as I said earlier I want to buy everything, I feel it's the least I can do considering she's growing a human and still working full time. I have however booked a masseuse to come to our home for her as she wouldn't enjoy going to a massage parlour or a spa. This way she can feel relaxed at home😁 as I said before I just wish there was more I could do for her! If you have any advice on what else I can do to help her it would be greatly appreciated😁

It’s lovely you’re being considerate but as a first time pregnant mum myself some of the “I’ll be pushing the pram 50/50” and “it’s my baby as much as hers” language is getting my back up a bit. It’s great to be supportive of mum, but you need to understand that yes the mum will likely be doing more of the feeding/pram pushing in the first year and it’s not a competition! My husband sees his role as supporting me finding my feet as a new mum in the first year, that means picking up most of the cooking/housework (which it sounds like you already are) and making sure I’m supported/well supplied with snacks for breastfeeding etc.

I would be really pissed off if my husband used the phrase “it’s my baby as much as yours” to try and justify buying major things without me.

If you’re far enough along then Black Friday sales are great for baby stuff. Assuming you’re in the UK Natural Baby Shower is a good site and has deep discounts. John Lewis also have a baby appointment you can book together to test things out before you buy them elsewhere cheaper online. Def try out a sling before you buy to make sure it can be done easily by one person (my husband slung our baby much more so he chose that one, we chose the pram together). And cannot recommend a UV steriliser enough! Reduces so much faff with bottles. Lots of stuff can be bought on Facebook marketplace or Vinted is good for baby clothes bundles but actually people buy you tons of clothes so go light on the clothes to start you can buy more once baby is here.

On sickness, I know you didn’t ask but I’ve been so sick it’s so debilitating, but am currently on Prochlorperazine and it’s helped me so much! If she’s suffering really badly then she should look at http://pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk - great resource for support in asking GPs for help.

Good luck!

@TickingAlongNicely we are engaged and are getting married in December😁 I have recently decorated what will be the babies room in a neutral colour and laid new flooring in there😁 I think she mentioned wanting an isofix base as it's the safest but as you said I'll take her shopping so she can speak to someone and get a feel for different prams etc😁

@YaWeeFurryBastard as I stated before. I have zero intention of buying anything without her! I was simply asking for advice on where was best as I want to pay for everything to relieve some financial strain off her. I'm sorry if you took offence to what I said, that was never my intention. However this baby is as much mine as hers. That does not mean I will make any choice without her input, I'm supportive, not controlling. We're a team, choices will be made together. I don't see any of this as a competition whatsoever!

@Hrf1503 thank you! I'll definitely let her know she can book to get advice and a feel for what she likes best😁

I had hyperemesis gravidarum (severe pregnancy sickness) in all my pregnancies throughout the first two trimesters, but the first time the unexpected nature of it made me feel particularly awful and my mental health went down the pan. It was absolutely awful.

My DH was an absolute star. He did all the housework and cooking (and childcare in pregnancy 2 and 3). I was on SSP for most of my sick leave in pregnancy one but we had joint finances before then and he was unemployed for most of that period anyway. He did take a random part-time Christmas temp job for some of it just because it was what he could get quickly for some more cash as finances were a concern then but I can see they aren't for you.

I wouldn't even think about baby equipment or any planning or anything for now. If shes struggling with sickness she will be feeling utterly shit. It will take the excitement out of everything if she has to half heartedly think about it now whilst unwell. My advice is continue doing everything you are doing now to ease the situation for her - housework, cooking, shopping, whatever. And just be there for her, a shoulder to cry on, a cuddle, sit and watch films with her whilst she feels rubbish, and so on. Just do everything you can to help her ride through this rough spot. Then when shes out the other side, you can enjoy planning and shopping and whatever else together.

Congrats to you both and wishing your partner a speedy recovery.

@LegoHouse274 thank you so much for the advice!😁 I didn't actually think about the fact she may not be excited about equipment right now so I really appreciate you pointing that out so I can make sure I don't overwhelm her etc. I have taken all housework except cleaning the glass shower door as she hates that I leave streaks 😂😂 I just wish I could take the sickness and tiredness away from her so she could enjoy this more😁 I appreciate your advice, thank you!

Best thing my partner did when our DC were born was change his bank account to a joint account (and I closed mine) as we are family and everything going in and out is family money - so in 1 account that we have equal access to and full transparency.

I know you said you've set up a separate account you pay money into for your partner and baby but I hated that - felt quite controlling to me, like we weren't a real team more like I was an employee!.

And get your wills done ASAP as you're not married.

And no comments about '50% parenting' - as a new mum that would piss me off no end! your partner will be doing most of it by default esp if breastfeeding and/ or on MAT leave. Read up on the '4th trimester'.

Hopefully the sickness will subside after the first few months - it's really grim - and your partner will be able to get excited about the shopping aspect of having a baby!

@Inezz I am in no way controlling whatsoever, I find it rather rude of you to say that. We will be opening a joint account. The account I put money into is for her and the baby to have fun whilst they're on days out etc! Not a wage or anything! She agrees with me in regards to 50/50 parenting. Yes, you're correct about feeding etc. but for everything like that she does I can be sterilising, doing laundry, waking up for night feeds as we will store breast milk also. When I say 50/50 I mean we work together as a team.

If your partner wants to breastfeed (I'm assuming that because you mention storing breast milk), then you could help her but educating yourself about breastfeeding. Not just storing and preparing breast milk, but all the rest, latch, position, etc ... The support of an educated partner is invaluable