Pregnant 6 months postpartum. Very undecided.

[Aurora24]

I have just found out I'm pregnant 6 months postpartum. My husband and I had fertility issues with our first so this is unexpected, and I am having very mixed feelings about this pregnancy.

If I am truly honest I don't feel ready for a second. I feel pretty tired now with just my little one and I imagine the exhaustion will be ten fold with a newborn as well. I also had everything planned out, my hours at work, the nursery. This would change everything as my salary would not cover the nursery fee costs for two so I would have to be a stay at home mum. I have nothing against those who are stay at home mums, but a part of me was looking forward to going back to work, one to feel a bit like me again and two to have some financial independence.

I love being a mum I really do, but I think I'm still coming to grips with the new me. None of my friends have children so it has felt like they have distanced themselves and I have felt lonely at times.

On the other hand I think I would feel guilty for the rest of my life if I terminated the pregnancy. It is also a now or never situation for my little one to have a sibling due to my husband's age and I did really want them to have a brother or sister.

Looking for some advice, words of wisdom from those who have also had children close together, those who have been in the same situation, or any words of wisdom from fellow mums.

If you struggled to conceive before and you're set on wanting two then I'd say go for it. It will be hard whilst they're both tiny but you will
make it work.

It's going to be hard but it really sounds like you want another baby. I had twins and we found the first few years really tricky but it will get easier. Is your husband supportive?

Also if you love your job, keep it! My salary only just covered nursery fees but, as my dh pointed out, nursery fees aren't forever and they should be paid out of our joint salaries.

@Freemanhardyandwillis yes husband is supportive and is excited but I think for him things don't change as much. It would be me giving up work to focus solely on childcare. I have a good job and feel like I may never find a similar job again. But on the other hand if I am logical about it, jobs come and go. I am also worried about being completely financially dependent on my husband.

@Freemanhardyandwillis I would love to keep my job but the reality is I would only be back 4 months before leaving again and I just couldn't do that. It would feel too cheeky. Also my salary wouldn't cover them at all so we would actually be financially worse off if I went back to work.

Are you taking into account the definite 15 hours free for them both from 9 months, and the promised 30? Do either of those make a difference financially?

I fell pregnant with our second when our first was 5 months old. Having a newborn and a just turned 1 year old was hard, really hard. Someone always needed something and most of the time I felt like I was neglecting one for the other. They are 3 and 2 now. They are a little gang of 2 who run rings around us. The nursery fees nearly broke us financially but eldest gets 30 hours and youngest gets 15 now so it is starting to ease up a bit.
Having said all that, we have never regretted our decision to carry on with the second pregnancy. For all of the hard there is so much fun. Having them this close means when we have a day out it's easier to pick something that both will enjoy.

Would nursery fees not be a joint expense rather than just all your responsibility, op? In which case if you really want to continue with the pregnancy and keep working, you may have sufficient money and be able to make it work.

I had a colleague who was worse off with 2 at nursery, her dh actually had to add £200 to nursery fees after her wages had been used.
She refused to give up her job and quite rightly stated it was just a few years, her pension would still increase and she liked working.
It was the correct decision because her dh left her 5 years later.

Do you want another baby?
Do you feel physically, emotionally able to have a baby now?
Have you support?

Everything else isn't in my opinion a deciding factor. The job could go tomorrow. You skills qualifications and ability won't go anywhere. Financially you will need to figure that out.

Finally, will you be okay with either decision you make?

Whatever you decide I wish you good health.

I had a similar age gap with mine. It was tiring at first, but I soon became ultra organised. My boys grew up together as they were at school /nursery a year apart. All of the various baby and toddler stages became somehow manageable because I was used to being busy and organised. They were never bored, as they always had each other to play with and are still best friends now, as grown men.
I worked part-time too, albeit in low paid jobs, which fitted in around family life, but I enjoyed the independence. As they got older, I increased my earnings and got better jobs.
At times it was hard, definitely busy but the pluses outweigh the minuses.
I went on to have a third baby too.
Congratulations and best wishes.

First of all, congratulations! What a shock. Give yourself time to get used to the idea. I had some very dark thoughts when I found out I was pregnant sooner than I'd wanted/planned.

Secondly. Your career is important and you should not be the only one to sacrifice your future security for the family.

This is not the time to feel "cheeky", sorry OP but don't be ridiculous. Plenty of women return to work pregnant or get pregnant shortly after returning. It's really hard to get back to work after a career break, just look at the hundreds of threads on MN about this exact situation.

You both need to look at temporarily scaling back work a little bit to make this work. DP and I for example have condensed hours so that each one of us is at home with the baby on different days, meaning we only need to pay for 3 days of nursery.

The young childcare days are painfully expensive, but they're short lived. They will eventually go to school and you'll have a much easier time negotiating flexible hours to allow for pick ups etc if you're already in work than competing with hundreds of other local mums for the rare 9-3 job.

Also toddlers are bloody exhausting and get bored easily, you could not pay me to stay home with 2, much as I love my DC.

Completely agree with this! It’s not just about salary cs fees right now but all long term career, earning potential, pension…

reframe it. Nursery fees don’t come from YOUR salary, they’re a household expense to enable you both to work.

Agree with others who are questioning the nursery fees free hours (are you in the UK)? And wouldn’t your husband’s job also cover the fees? It’s about being able to keep your job/pension/independence to fully return to!

Also, our first two are 1.5 apart (on purpose but surprised I got pregnant so quickly). It was so hard at the start being a stay at home mum with them for years (wish I’d gone back to work sooner). BUT wow they became an incredible pair! They basically take care of each other because they always have a friend to entertain them (they’re boy/girl). Our life became sooo much easier than other people’s who had a bigger gap. Sometimes people look at us and go ‘You have it really good don’t you?’ And it’s great because people thought we were mad the first couple of years! We’re dining out on this decision for a lot longer than the rough start.

I totally understand how you feel, I started a new job and three months later fell pregnant. I was really worried but my manager was so supportive. Have you looked at the new/potential maternity leave laws, it might make you feel better about things, I don't think they can sack you for 6 months after you return. Please be cheeky and go back to work for 4 months. Also by the time you go back to work after your second maternity leave I think your first child will be entitled to 30 free hours childcare. I've been made redundant 4 times in the past and the way I see things is that if a business needs to make cuts they will do without any thought, so why should I care and make my life harder for them.

Go for it! It will be hard but you're unlikely to regret the struggle in years to come and it's sadly not long before they are at school and nursery fees are done.
My two stepsons are 15 months apart and very close. One was the other's best man at his recent wedding ❤️

Echoing others and don't worry about being 'cheeky' at work. Speaking as someone who had three under threes due to twins, it is possible.

We had little money when they were little but my children are now in school and my career has continued to be successful. Even though I took time out of the working world when they were small.

In my view work is temporary and children are the things that can't wait but I appreciate we're all different.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I'm currently pregnant, fell pregnant 9 months PP. Will have gone back to work for 5 months (don't feel cheeky, lots of people do it!)...So in a slightly similar situation (although it was planned)

I think if you know you want more than 1 child, then go for it. Undoubtedly won't be easy but maybe more likely to regret not having baby 2 now than not. But only you and DH know how you'll truly feel.

No right or wrong in these situations. Good luck whatever you decide x

I would not worry about returning to work pregnant. A friend of mine went on her first maternity leave and returned to work expecting again and also after her second pregnancy too. Not one person, that I know of thought she was cheeky and even if they did, they need to mind their own business.

In terms of nursery fees, have you factored in the free hours you are entitled to, would that make a difference at all?

I recently fell pg with baby 4 albeit my other 3 are much older and it was a shock.
But no more than I had gone through with no 3 my plans were ruined my life felt out of control etc with the prospect but all of these thought's are irrational fears and in reality whatever plans we have in life they can change in a few short moments anyway.
As in control as we feel reality is we are not but humans are built with a robust way to cope and everything falls into place naturally we manage and find ways to tackle the hurdles.
Unfortunately I lost my 4th 3 weeks ago and I am devastated because through all the negative thoughts my mind had made I knew it was going to turn out perfect but again it was out of my control and now those plans I had without a 4th from before seem so pointless because none of them bring the happiness the baby would have.
So try to focus on managing your mind and fears tell yourself we will make a new plan to fit around the new addition and remember if you decide to continue it will all just slot into place perfectly even if there are bumps on the way.
If you know you will regret a termination I would say continue because regret and guilt never truelly leaves and it is very difficult to live with.

I agree with the others. Please don't worry about being "cheeky". Plenty of women have more than one maternity leave over their career. It's really not important that they are close together. Trust me, you are not the first woman to go back to work already pregnant! You must do what is best for you and your family.

OP please don’t worry about being ‘cheeky’. I totally get it and there may even be a few raised eyebrows but no man on Earth would worry about this and the law is there to protect you. If you really want you can make it clear to colleagues that the pregnancy wasn’t planned but please don’t make a big decision on the basis of feeling a bit embarrassed.

if yiu want a second child and feel this is your only shot I think you need to go for it. The first two year will probably be hellish, do anything possible to make your life easier and accept all the help you can get! Get a doula for a few hours a week if you can, cleaner, also the charity Home Start once the baby arrives

I have a 15 month gap between my 2 eldest children so I went back to work 6 months pregnant. It was not an issue at all, I went back to the same job again after the second child with no problems.

the first year was tough, but more so because my DH was incapacitated with spine problems and spinal surgery so it was literally all on me. But the kids were a delight. They basically grew up together and have always been really close - still are now they are approaching adulthood. I wouldn't change any of it.
The time they are in nursery is such a blink of an eye in the context of a whole life. Fees are horrendous but they don't last forever and continuing to work is an investment in your future.

I was in the same position as you - pregnant again after just 8 months or so. And although I wanted a second child it did all feel “too soon” and I did seriously contemplate a termination.

But honestly going ahead with the pregnancy was the best thing I did. Yes having 2 under 2 was not exactly easy but having two young children with any age gap is exhausting! And the small age gap becomes a blessing sooner than it is a curse!

And absolutely do not feel “cheeky” about going back to work already pregnant. Number one it is not “cheeky” and secondly it is definitely not uncommon and decent employers just roll with it.

All the finance/work stress, best laid plans going south etc will be worth it if you know you want more than one child and especially if conceiving was hard. The nursery fee/juggling work in the early years is grim but definitely worth the short term pain for longer term gain

@justusandthecat I appreciate your honesty in acknowledging the first bit was really hard, but also that you have no regrets. I never thought about days out in the future and you are right it will be easier to do things as they will both be a similar age. That was my concern with having an only child, that they wouldn't have anyone to play with but also that they wouldn't have anyone around when I was gone. Sorry morbid and I know not all siblings get along so this isn't always the case! I'm glad that you have no regrets and reading your comment does make me think perhaps I can just push through the first year of them together. Do you find they play nicely together or do you have sibling rivalry ?