First month TTC and the stress is out of control

[Newlytrying2024]

Hi everyone,

how do you get through a month TTC without your brain and ovaries taking over completely and driving you mad with stress? Please send help for a newlywed TTC.

background: it’s my first time posting on here.
This month is my first month of TTC with my husband and I’m 10 days DPO today. I did one of the clearblue digital tests that say you can take it 6 days before your period (which I am) and it came up as negative.
Have felt weird symptoms since ovulation but I feel a lot of it is me excitedly fixating and observing everything more that I normally would.
It seems this month I am negative but I’m hoping soon I’ll be pregnant (though I know it can take years).

I fully understand that one month of trying is still so soon, but my question is more about the anxiety and stress management. I’m generally not an anxious or stressed person and it’s throwing me off big time.

I also don’t know when most people test, is it the day of period or is everyone desperate to find out and early testing like I did this time?

any comments are helpful please be kind

thank you X

I was TTC for seven months before I got pregnant (now 38 weeks along) so I would definitely advise to try and adjust your mindset if possible as you will drive yourself crazy being on tenterhooks every single month! I know that's what you want to do and why you're asking but if you can remind yourself that 'it can take years' really does mean that, that every month is a chance but it's definitely a long way from guaranteed and just kind of think of it as a longer-term process then that will probably help. I really really do empathise and I definitely had a couple of months where I tested early but after that I tried to hold off and wait until my period was due, and only test when (if) it was late. There were still a couple of occasions where I tested and then got my period right after but it meant that by the time I got a positive test, I was probably three or four days late and still didn't really expect anything so it was a nice surprise!

I think if you do go a few months without conceiving (not unlikely) you probably will find, as I did, that each month feels less immediately stressful (because you realise that it's not like you try once and it will happen) and hopefully can start to feel a bit more level-headed about it and as I say, see it as a longer-term kind of goal. But of course it could happen any month, it's just not guaranteed THIS month, if that makes sense, and it's hard not to think about it or fret about it sometimes. You just have to try and schedule your nice life, plan as if you're not going to be pregnant at any given time (I had to cancel a tattoo appointment I had booked, for example), make sure you have lots to look forward to as a couple and then treat it as something that will happen when it happens. Easier said than done I know!

Please remember that each month of ttc, even if you do everything right, there is only about a 20% chance of success. With our first it took 1 month and with our second it took 5. We did the exact same process each month as we did with our first and it just didn't happen because of biology.

Stress will make it harder to conceive. I found reassurance in the fact that if we didn't, I'd only have to do it for a year and then we'd be able to find out medically if anything was wrong and take next steps. You're newlyweds and I'm presuming still of "normal" first time parents age, so take heart that it is very likely going to happen for you naturally in the first year. And if it doesn't, there's always hope beyond that.

Oh, and buy the cheap strip pregnancy tests. It gets expensive using those ones very quickly. Both times I got positives at 12dpo with cheap sticks.

You may also find this reassuring: datayze.com/time-to-conception-estimator

I just entered my data on that estimator and it came back with just a 15% chance that it would have happened in the first month. It was 55% on the month we actually conceived second time around, which makes sense.

P.s. I think generally 12 dpo is considered a good day to test. Again, you can use this calculator to show the accuracy of tests at each day past ovulation: www.countdowntopregnancy.com/pregnancy-test/dpo-chart.php?dpo=12

Just have regular sex, don't work out when you're ovulating etc and test when you're overdue. There's time for all the ovulation kits and stuff if it hasn't happened in a year or so, but the main way to take away the stress is by not seeing it as such a big project.

@malimoon you have no idea how helpful your reply was to me. Honestly it’s made me feel so much brighter and settled, even after this mornings experience with the negative pregnancy test which had left me feeling rubbishy.

The fact that you had to cancel a tattoo appointment is a great example of how I suppose one should treat this pre-pregnancy TTC time.I will line up some lovely things to do and remind myself to live in the moment and enjoy my time rather than fixating on TTC (which I didn’t feel I was, until, I immediately was, month 1!).

A big thank you for your reply <3

@malimoon oh and of course- congratulations on being 38 weeks that’s so beautiful!

@showersandflowers wow what a lot of useful information for me to digest. That you so much for your reply, it means alot at a time when I really reached out for women to comfort/guide me on an area I know very little about. And that chart is so helpful and kind of calming to just look at. Immediately it gives a perspective to the situation that it’s hard to remember when you’re in the ‘moment’,

I had no idea that I had the capacity to end up driving myself crazy like this over TTC month one. I admit I have reached the point of scouring my phone at 2am to check every symptom in the book to figure out if I have it. As of today I am going to promise myself to try not to do that anymore. When my friends have been TTC and have been stressed about it, I never understood. Now I get it.

thanks so so much for your help <3

@EverybodyWantsTo you are so right. Last month, this is exactly what I’d told myself. But somehow something shifted in my head maybe since having unprotected sex.

I can’t help but feel that because In sex ed in school we were told if you had sex unprotected you’d get pregnant, I guess naively I just thought that sperm near egg during ovulation definitely means it’ll happen.

I realise this is not right at all to see it like that, but I’m battling with my brain here!

I will try to get back to that previous mindset, as for sure, it’s a healthier way to view things, and to live happily with my husband.

thanks so much for your message you’re the best. <3

This! I don't understand why you'd get into the testing and tracking straight away. just enjoy trying, keep having fun in the rest of your life and don't focus on TTC. It's common to take a year so I always assumed it would. Oh, and 100% do not take a pregnancy test til your period is late, I don't understand that at all. It will only cause disappointment, and it's a waste of money. I never got a positive result til after my period was late anyway. I'm 38 weeks now, and we started trying in Dec 2022 - it took 4/5 months, then unfortunately had a MC at 11 weeks, then 5/6 months to get pregnant again, after waiting a couple of months. That is honestly very normal in my experience / for my friends.

You can drive yourself crazy, it’s so hard. We were TTC at a time when I was under a LOT of stress and pressure at work, and Covid was still vaguely around. I remember wailing dramatically to DH that I couldn’t work out if I felt crap from stress, pregnancy, or I actually had Covid.

We paid for fertility assessments in the end… £500 to be told there were no problems, we just had to wait for the right time. And as it happened, I got pregnant the cycle they were seeing us. Good luck, and try and enjoy your free time!

@Peonies12 firstly thank you for sharing your journey (both the sad and the happy) and congratulations how exciting for you to be 38 weeks!
Yes I knowwww, it’s just so hard for some reason (I honestly feel like I have lost control of my brain!!).
You are right, you really are. And it sounds like you were quite relaxed, this is what I need to do.

Thats interesting what you said about needing to miss a period before testing positive. Funny that not many people (well, I’ve not seen any on YouTube etc) who have said that actually, but it makes a whole lot of sense.

thank you and best of luck to you and your family <3

@NorthantsNewbie oh my goodness really! The same cycle you were having appts for fertility!

If you are comfortable to answer to answer- did you wait a year before deciding to go to seek fertility advice?

thank you <3

We did. I was concerned that, if something was actually wrong, waiting a year before seeing the GP, then waiting for NHS test results, then waiting for interventions etc, would possibly delay us by two or three years. We booked the private tests on the basis that £500 for peace of mind was worth it to us, and we were fortunate that we could afford it. We booked GP appointments too, and had met with the private consultant to get our results before the NHS test slots came through, so we cancelled those. You’re a LONG way off being there, but I know a month feels like a lifetime at the moment. I agree with all the PP saying try to relax and just enjoy the sex!

I can recommend “The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant” as a bit of a reality check. It’s not all relevant, and there is a bit of discussion about fertility treatment, but it really helped me understand my own frustrations.

Absolutely agree with this!

I've never tracked ovulation in either of my pregnancies and made no big lifestyle changes. I just try to enjoy life with my husband and think 'what will be will be'. I also never ever test before missing a period by at least a few days.

You have to remember that it can take a year, even up to 2, for healthy couples with no fertility issues and stressing about it every month isn't going to help in the slightest.

Enjoy being a newlywed, have fun whenever you fancy and try to put it to the back of your mind. If you get 10-12 months in and it hasn't happened yet then that's the time to start thinking about ovulation sticks etc.

Good luck OP

@NorthantsNewbie thank you for sharing this, it’s so helpful. What you’ve said is sensible, I know it is. I’m hopeful that after this months unexpected ‘wobble’ I’m going to be more realistic going forwards and not obsess over things.

I may well buy that book which you recommended! Sounds like me :P

@sel2223 okay, 10-12 months is kind of what I’m hearing here as a realistic ‘let’s review things’ time. That’s quite far away, so in an odd way, it’s reassuring!

thank youuuuu so much

One more question for everyone actually please -
can I drink alcohol 1-2 times a week (2 glasses of wine 2x a week) until I get pregnant? My favourite food is also salmon and tuna (couldn’t make this up!) and a friend told me to avoid that whilst trying (I did reduce those fish to 1 x a week). Given it may take a year or so to get pregnant should I just live as normal until I get a + pregnancy?

Alcohol is probably responsible for a lot of pregnancies!
to be honest I would take the pressure off; live your life or you will drive yourself mad
unless you’re a massive binge drinker and indulging in massively health compromising behaviour don’t over think stuff

Even the tests that you can take before missing your period get more reliable the closer you get to 14dpo.
Stop testing early. It’s just messing with your head. Get some cheap tests and only test on the day your period is due.

Honestly yes! You have to just live your life while TTC otherwise it completely takes over and as others have said it can take a long time!

When we were trying last year I lived a healthy lifestyle (did anyway) but otherwise just continued as normal until I fell pregnant! One of my best friends has been trying for nearly 2 years now, if she’d given everything up she’d have had a very sad 2 years. I think the best thing you can do, although it’s hard, is to almost just try and forget about it. Have sex, keep healthy, and wait for a missed period to test if you can because the heartache of early testing every month and seeing a negative can destroy your mental health. Good luck x

I totally get this! On month 4 trying and I’m finding it so difficult. The first few months we only DTD once/twice in fertile window. This month we decided to do every other day and every day through fertile window but I’ve switched back to tracking LH again, added in supplements and also fertility friendly line. We’re doing everything we can to get that BFP. I’m 26 this weekend and praying by 27 we will have that little baby

*lube
I’ve booked some blood tests also just to check everything is working as it should

Basically, yes. Cutting down on alcohol can help but you're drinking below the NHS recommended limit anyway so I'd honestly do that if you enjoy it. There's no reason to cut out any foods, and you can have salmon and tuna in pregnancy anyway?

All the test instructions say wait til missed period! Even those early result ones I'm skeptical of.