Gender disappointment

[GILW92]

Hi all,

I fell pregnant with my second quicker than I would have wanted. I didn’t want to be pregnant again so quickly and I wasn’t ready for it. I felt huge guilt to my baby boy who was only a year old when I found out. I got over it fairly quickly and started getting excited. I imagined how amazing it would be to have a baby girl. I found out that it is another boy a few days ago and since then I’ve felt absolutely horrendous. I feel like I am grieving the daughter I never had. I suddenly no longer feel excited about the pregnancy at all, I don’t look forward to the baby being born. When I go into my sons room I get pangs of pain in my stomach knowing that I am going to have to decorate another baby boy room. I feel resentment towards the baby. My pregnancy vitamins make me sick so I get angry every day when I have to take them. I still take them because ultimately I know I love the baby deep down and I will always do everything to care for it. I’m just feeling lost and really, really upset.

I was wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this? I find it hard to admit because I also feel extremely guilty and also protective of my new baby growing inside of me. He didn’t ask to be conceived and he is his own little person, who I know I’ll love just as much as my first born. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling so upset and disappointed.

Your scan can tell you your babies sex, not its gender. Your disappointment is not about your baby having a penis. Your disappointment is about all the bonkers gender stereotyping you've bought into. Either one of your sons could love ballet, dolls, baking, be gay, tell you in a few years they identify as a girl. There are endless possibilities in how they will express their gender in the future, that are not controlled at all by having a penis.

Don't want to decorate a room blue? Then don't! Put pink unicorns on the walls if you feel like it, you son might love them!

The less you believe in gender stereotypes, and the more you try to actively avoid gender stereotyping your boys for having a penis, the happier you'll all be :)

Honestly, this will pass. First trimester hormones are wild. We had an unexpected pregnancy for our second after being one and done and I cried every day for the first trimester and then the second trimester came and the fog started to lift and then the baby came and I couldn't believe I ever felt like that.

Mn is unforgiving to those with gender disappointment but you can't help how you feel. Mourn the loss and then focus on the benefits of having two boys. Look up boy mums on Instagram and brother bonds and immerse yourself in the positives as there are many (no teenage girls to deal with being one that springs to mind)

Be kind to yourself. You will feel differently in good time.

OP, I had a son followed by daughters, and my son to this day (he is now a father himself) bemoans the fact that he doesn’t have a brother. My DH was always close to his brother, his only sibling. You have done your son a huge favour by giving him a brother, so maybe you’ll feel better about it if you look at it from this point of view!

Hi OP - I had a friend told one gender at 12 weeks and another at 20 weeks, and it was horrifically hard for her, and like you felt she had to “grieve” the child she wasn’t having. I will say it will pass, but try to be gentle on yourself at the moment. As PP have said, pregnancy hormones are horrendous, and pregnancy is hard work (I’m at 39w). Just give yourself some grace and don’t try to force your mindset, it’ll come round. Best of luck

Sat cuddling my baby boy. Seeing how much his big brother loves him is everything. Think how lovely it will be for your son to have a little brother to play with and go on adventures with.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and comment. You have made me feel better :). For me it was never about the baby girl clothes, or the thought of taking her to a ballet class or anything that people romantically think of when having a baby girl. It was purely about having a daughter and seeing my husband with a baby girl as I know how much he would love it. We have always spoken about potentially having a third, but I would only do it for the right reasons and not to try for a girl. If we do have a third, it will be because I have accepted the prospect of having three boys :)

This, absolutely, with a nod also to @daydreamingnightowl 's kind post.

I knew I would only have one child, so discovering the sex did mean a period of grieving for the 'other' child I knew I wouldn't have, but it's a distant memory now, given the actual fabulousness of the child I gave birth to.

Op, I can completely relate to grieving for the daughter you never had. It is like you have an image in your head of an imaginary sort of mini me little girl, going shopping together, painting nails etc or even just seeing dh swinging her around like naybe your dad used to do with you. It isn't that you don't want your baby, you just feel a "oh gosh, I'm never going to have a daughter!" It is like they are two different aspects. It is outside of the baby you're getting.
This can panic alot of women because you always hear the stereotype of daughter bothering more later, and sons not bothering as much, their partner's family more involved with grandchildren etc.

What you have to remember is that in reality she could take after dh, be a tomboy, and love cars, and dinosaurs, just as a son could like dolls!

I have 2 sons, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love the dynamic of same sex siblings, although it doesnt always work out that way. I grew up with a brother, and as much as I loved him I always wanted a sister as well! My sons are interested in similar things, but at the same time are different too, which is amazing.
It will be a new experience, as all babies are different. It is personality not the sex that sets the dynamic.

I promise once your son is born you will never look back. You will have two little boys doting on their Mummy! Congratulations! 💐

I too had a pang of disappointment with my first when I found out he was a boy, but he's turned out very differently from the stereotypes. He's not into football or sport, and likes 'girly' activities like craft and baking. I actually used to worry that not being into football would mean him becoming more isolated as he gets older and his friends go for a kick around in the park, but he has male and female friends calling for him daily to play in the park/woods - creative play games mostly, so he's not missing out at all. He craves one on one time with me and so far, at 9, is no different than how you might imagine a stereotypical mother-daughter relationship.

My toddler daughter on the other hand is ten times louder than her big brother and loves kicking a ball around with her daddy. She also loves anything with wheels and dinosaurs... dolls and bunnies are thrown aside in favour of trains and things with big teeth. The main difference tbh is that I sometimes (rarely - she's an active and mucky child!) get to put her in pretty clothes and she has long hair... which is much more about me than her at this age.

Also - you'll save a fortune on clothes etc, if you can reuse stuff from your older son! We do reuse a few bits from DS on DD but didn't have much left due to the age gap.

I have 4 boys and they are all teenagers now and the very best of friends. They are all unique and have different interests etc but it's their brothers they seek out to sit and watch a movie with, listen to music with and generally just be with. I did worry about gender disappointment, but they are all so special and unique and make me so proud I never think of missing out on anything because I haven't. I've experienced everything with them.

I have a little boy, and think I'm expecting my second boy. I love the bones of my first, but he's a stereotypical little boy through and through. Loves football, fixing things, dinosaurs, crocodiles, climbing on me, rough and tumble. He does also love to bake, and he's brilliant at cuddles, and he thinks I'm the best thing on earth.

I am a bit disappointed that the second is a boy too, not because I want nice clothes or a mother/daughter relationship - god knows I didn't have one of them with my mum! - but because I always imagined us with one of each, and I know my husband was keen for a daughter. We'll love him anyway, always, but there is a pang this time that I didn't have before, and feel very guilty about. I suppose I didn't do well enough to prepare myself that you can't choose! And we don't know anyone who doesn't have one of each, which I suppose makes it seem more "normal".

A boy might tell her in a few years that he identifies as a girl. But he still won’t be, whatever his preferences for clothes and toys may be.

OP, I’m sure you will love your second son for who he is. There will be a lovely bond between the two brothers close in age.

I have 3 boys and they are great together, get on well and genuinely love each other, I wish I'd had a 4th!

I know how you feel this was me 15 years ago and let me tell you, there is nothing I would change, my boys have the strongest bond and I look back at those years when they were little playing together as the happiest of my life. Having 2 sons is such a gift. You will be ok xx

This!! I'm not sure you'll get much sympathy from the many people on here who are desperate to get pregnant, and continue a pregnancy. Appreciate what you will have - hopefully two healthy children. Their sex does not have to have a necessary bearing on how they chose to express themselves and how they live.

I've said this many times. I was a much wanted girl, but I wasn't the girl my parents thought I would be.

It will be ok. I have 2 boys 22 months apart and they have always been really close. They are 16 and 18 now. It's been lovely seeing them grow up together. I always encouraged my boys to do a mixture of activities and 1 of my boys did ballet for a while. They both wore pink and purple when they were too young to decide their own clothes because I liked those colours.

Hi OP, the first trimester is wild with crazy hormones flying all over the place and unwanted thoughts, be kind to yourself.

Not many like to admit to it but it's very common to experience a minor level of so called 'gender disappointment' (although as pp said, it's nothing to do with gender, it's the sex of your baby when they are born).... lots of women will turn to an anonymous forum like this just to get it out as they wouldn't dream of voicing it out loud in real life.

I have a daughter and am pregnant again and deep down I am secretly hoping it's a boy!! I know this is my last child and I really want to experience one of each.
I'll never admit that to anyone though, and I'll love my baby just as much if it turns out to be another girl - the bond between two of the same sex must be lovely to see and I'm super close to my own sister! Ultimately I know it only matters that I have a healthy baby and I know i will absolutely love them and protect them with all my heart. I'm so grateful for this gift, but I'm not going to lie that there isn't that tiny little voice inside!

Be kind to yourself. As you said you will love your baby regardless and that's what's important. If the thoughts become extreme or intrusive and it starts affecting your feelings towards your unborn baby, then that's not normal and that's the time to seek some proper help.

When I found out my second was a girl I felt a bit upset that DS wouldn’t have a brother. This was probably partly because I’d lost a boy at 20 weeks before DD but my point is no matter what you might always a pang for what might have been. You’re full of hormones at the moment but you will feel better soon and start to get excited about your little boy having a brother, it will all be ok.

Currently pregnant with number 2 and I'm secretly hoping for another boy - I would love to give my son a baby brother!

I however would be just as happy with a daughter, but I just know my son would love a brother.

My DH has a brother only 15 months older than him. Their childhood photos are so lovely, they’re like best mates. They both loved sports so constantly kept each other entertained playing football and cricket. This little baby will be your baby boys best mate

Have a chat with your midwife. You sound overwhelmed.

i have 2 boys and its great 😊 you will be fine. Its not like you can change anything x

I’d just think to thank you all again for your messages and your good advice. I’ve also spoken with my friend who went through exactly the same thing (possibly even had the disappointment worse than me). She has made me feel so much better as she said she wouldn’t change her two boys for the world. I think my reaction has largely been out of shock. It is crazy how our mind can make up a future for us that hasn’t been written yet.

I know I’ll love this little baby as much as I love my little boy. I also do not look past how lucky I am.

This really resonated with me. I have a son and I'm pregnant with a second and I'm honestly so happy to be giving him a brother. I am so close with my sister.
Try and find the positives and don't assume your relationship with your son to be wildly off one you would have with a daughter. At first this popped into my mind as I am close with my mum but that's never guaranteed

Just to add one thing I found difficult was other people's expectations of my preferences which made me feel like my sons were somehow less special/ exciting. I now realise how utterly bizarre these people are and just question back