Plz no judgement!

[Sammie318]

I am currently eleven weeks pregnant, considering abortion, but feel so torn.

For background/context. Contraception fail, have only known the dad 4 months, he lives at home a fair distance from me. I don't want a relationship with him and I struggle with how he does life in terms of maturity and financially. I also have two children on my own under 5 who are with me 90% of the time. I suffered awfully postpartum after having a premature baby with my second.

Part of me wants to keep it but almost not have him involved. To do it on my own by being almost unethical to almost make the baby dissappear even tho it hasn't, I'm aware how bad that sounds. He desperately wants to be involved and wants the baby. He's often told me I'm wrong about how I feel, that I'm being selfish and he won't allow me to allow him to become a deadbeat father like his was (his own true words)

Part of me would love to keep it, do as life should almost and get on with the chaos of three but I don't want him breathing down my neck for the next 18+ years.

It feels so tough.

It's your body so your choice, not his. So you need to ask what do you want to do? It's entirely your choice. You have to be sure that whatever decision you make, you're happy with it. It need to be the right decision for you.

He might be there, might not so don't base your decision on him.

I feel really torn in the situation. Life is somewhat hard and difficult as it would be with two under 5 and after becoming a single parent last year only really finding my groove with it all. I wonder if another one will throw a spanner in the works almost? I also feel like do I want to have to co parent with this man for the next god knows how many years. If it wasn't or didn't wanna be involved feels this decision would be easier somewhat.

I think you are adding another layer of complexity into your life by entwining your life with someone you don't want to be with. He will have to get over the abortion and be more careful with his contraception in the future

Hi OP,

I think the person you have a child with can drastically affect both you and more importantly the child. As PP said he may or may not be there but if he is will he be a positive in the child’s life? I think if you block him out just because you don’t want to deal with him that’s not really fair on the child. If he had the capabilities to be a good a dad then he should be allowed to do so. However if you think he will not be a good dad - you have said about how he ‘does life’ if this includes for example drug use, lack of concern etc I wouldn’t want to a man like that in my child’s life but if for example he doesn’t have a good job and therefore you don’t see him as a partner for you that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good dad. However it is your choice not his. He could persuade you to go ahead with the pregnancy and disappear a week later.

you say you are a single parent to 2 children so you clearly have your shit together to be able to do that and you get how hard it is. If you really wanted to have another you sound like the sort of person who would be able to manage but only you know x

I don’t think you should consider his feelings/ words at this stage. I would rather look at how this decision will affect you and your children. Realistically can you do this ? And don’t be heroic, be realistic.
By the way no one absolutely should judge your decision in this situation. So don’t make decision on the basis that you might be judged by someone, it’s not their life they have no right to judge you.

Thank you all! Although my others children's dad is difficult he adores his children and does anything for them almost having had the standard set it's hard to see he will be the same, but know it's wrong of me to pass that judgement. He's a social user when it comes to drugs and not afraid to admit he has no self control if offered by friends etc, he's immaturity drives me insane and one of the reasons I don't want a relationship with him. I think when I visited his home, I thought I stepped into a fifteen years old room, not a thirty year olds. He says his gonna move closer etc and I don't want him under my feet, I enjoy that we live somewhere small and secluded and just 'do' life the three of us. Part of me knows I could handle a third and would adapt but don't wanna co-parent with him. I'm only 25 so know this isn't the last ever chance I could have another either.

He's often told me I'm wrong about how I feel, that I'm being selfish and he won't allow me to allow him to become a deadbeat father like his was (his own true words)

Why on earth would you tie yourself to him? He has already shown you who he is - why spend the next 18 years (and realistically your life) being affected by this arsehole?

His 'true colours' if you like have really started to show. He's never been like this at all over the few months I've known him. It's so hard as you'd never think you'd find yourself in a place of even considering abortion especially being quite pro choice but when your in it it's the most tormenting thing in your mind deciding almost which one feels right even though they both feel wrong.

Everything you're saying is screaming to me that you should end the pregnancy and be super careful moving forward with contraception. You have your hands full

I have spoken with a service and have got a consultation call with a nurse next Tuesday to discuss options. The fact I've made that step tells me something deep down. Life is pretty hectic but do often finding myself thinking would it be that much more hectic with another one on board this crazy ship I'm navigating.

There are better people out there to have children with. And you have plenty of time to have more if that is what you want. At best he is really immature. At worst he sounds like he has no respect for you and is happy to turn nasty.

I do agree with you @Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear - he one minute is saying he'll support my decision and be there and then the next telling me I'm selfish and brushing off his feelings. It's not consistent.

The finances would worry me greatly as whatever you have for two children would have to be split three ways. Then there’s the reality of juggling three very small children on your own - and the risk of PND.
I don’t think you can easily take the father out of the equation but he doesn’t sound great either.

Your body, your choice. Speak to the nurse but I wouldn’t have any more conversations with this man until you have made the decision that is right for you and your existing. If you decide to continue you will need to be very clear on what that entails between the two of you.

Just another consideration.... I suspect you are going to upset your relationship with the father of your existing children by having another man's baby. I really do think you are standing to lose too much by carrying on with this pregnancy

@PiggieWig I worry about his finacials as his disposable spare income is 2x what I have and every month I've known him he's either in overdraft or selling things to make the end of month and I often thing you have nothing to show for it or the fact I'm running my own home, with two small children on a significant difference and am managing pretty well. I also consider that I could manage but is there enough of me for 3 under 5!

We ended up having a rather big argument this afternoon that turned quite sour very quickly and now of course we aren't speaking to one another. I'm going to take some time to try and cool off from that and really think about what goes into this. My heart and head is torn but deep down I think I know what is right.

Absolutely this OP. You're young, you've so much life ahead of you, don't get lumbered with this man who puts you down when you aren't even in a proper relationship. Don't get tied to him. He will be in your life forever ,not just 18 years!

It shouldn't be this hard aftee 4 months. You should be in the honeymoon period with butterflies waiting to see each other. Instead he is putting you down and fighting with you. Life ahead with him would be horrific. Choose you and your 2 children x

Luckily me and my others children's dad are great friends. We were together for over ten years. From children essentially. He's been a great support and although has his difficult moments he is pretty great.

It was like that for a couple months but found myself getting the 'ick' over the way he does things and navigates life. I knew then it wasn't meant to be. It's the fact that I would keep the child if it wasn't his, or he chose not to be involved even maybe? Which tells me the baby might not necessarily be the main problem but who I'm having it with. I know I have time on my side to do this again if I wanted to it's just taking the leap to do something I never thought I would.

I'm sorry that you are faced with such a tricky decision and I hope you can find some peace with whatever you decide to do in the end. From your comments it does feel like you really do want to keep this baby you just don't Want to have the father in your life and it sounds like it will add more hassle and stress to your life, however have a good think about how you really feel about aborting if you don't feel it's the baby that's the problem. Iv never been in your situation before and there's no judgment atall but on the flip side you don't want to live the rest of your life regretting your choice to abort and never finding peace with it. If you feel more strongly that although it will be painful but you know its the right thing and you can get through with it then maybe you have your answer but some people can never get over the heartbreak of it so definitely have a really good hard think from every angle.

Thank you @Joeylove88 - I think I definitely don't see the baby as much as an issue as I do the father. It's been torment the last couple of days feeling whatever I want to do is going to be wrong and I need to choose and be at peace with the one that feels most right. I can't exclude the father and doing that unethically is just wrong. I do worry about how I'll cope afterwards at times, and wonder how the grief of deciding not to have the baby will effect me however on the flip side the grief of dealing with the dad for the rest of my life could be as equally hard.

He'll be a royal PITA, he'll make your life impossible, and realistically how well do you actually know him?
Look you already have two under five, and if you keep the baby you'll be adding rocket fuel into your other children's lives (not just the baby the baby's dad as well). You have already said your relationship with him isn't great, so why entwine yourself any further.
Yes it's a hard call to make, and ultimately only you can decide what is best, but ask yourself these questions:
Do you want a more complicated life?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
What does co-parenting look like with two different dads?
Are you in a stable financial position to take mat. leave and manage bringing up three kids on your own (because no matter what these men tell you, they might very well walk into the sunset and leave you without a bean).
Do you have solid and reliable parental support, or will you be reliant on nursery and school when you return to work?
If you don't return to work, realistically will you manage on benefits, or will you constantly be watching every penny and struggling to feed and clothe yourself and your kids?

These are rhetorical questions, absolutely not designed for you putting on here, they are personal and private, but just to help you see the wood for the trees.

It's a tough decision OP, and the last thing to think about is your mental health, again only you know how you'll manage, and it will impact your current two children?
Whichever the decision you make, it will be the right one for you, so write out the pros and cons and do the maths. But no guilt, it's unhelpful and an exhausting emotion, and there is no need to feel guilty, it's about being practical and leaving behind emotions (again not easy).

Sorry I've just read my post back and it seems very blunt, it's not meant to be, it's meant to be about you making the best decision for you and your current family unit. It's really tough OP, but I just have a bit of a nagging sense your current not boyfriend boyfriend has a few 🚩.

I wouldn't tie myself to this man for the next 18 years +. Could you imagine having to hand over your child to someone so immature who takes drugs and for all you know could leave stuff lying around.

@veritasverity - not blunt at all. It's things I have also been asking myself. I've juggled single mum life for a year, been doing well and am currently studying as I had my other two quite young and that kind of got all put on hold. I have a feeling with him if I have the baby, the novelty is going to wear off with him. I think my other two would love a sibling and think they would adapt but it's so right in saying adding fuel to the rocket. It's so hard to know what is right? Cause at the moment it doesn't feel 100% to terminate and I don't know why. Something I need to sit with and work out.