Plz no judgement!

[Sammie318]

I am currently eleven weeks pregnant, considering abortion, but feel so torn.

For background/context. Contraception fail, have only known the dad 4 months, he lives at home a fair distance from me. I don't want a relationship with him and I struggle with how he does life in terms of maturity and financially. I also have two children on my own under 5 who are with me 90% of the time. I suffered awfully postpartum after having a premature baby with my second.

Part of me wants to keep it but almost not have him involved. To do it on my own by being almost unethical to almost make the baby dissappear even tho it hasn't, I'm aware how bad that sounds. He desperately wants to be involved and wants the baby. He's often told me I'm wrong about how I feel, that I'm being selfish and he won't allow me to allow him to become a deadbeat father like his was (his own true words)

Part of me would love to keep it, do as life should almost and get on with the chaos of three but I don't want him breathing down my neck for the next 18+ years.

It feels so tough.

I think again rhetorically if I had the baby, there would be hard boundaries in place. But ultimately that risk is still there. I wish I made myself make this decision when the baby didn't feel so baby like. Having two I know what they look like at this gestation and its having guts to take the emotion out of that to do what I think is best.

So.... I've actually had a baby with a guy who's arms aren't wide enough to carry the amount of red flags 🚩

He originally didn't want anything to do with me or the baby. That changed when she was 3 months old. It hasn't been easy and at times he has tested my patience but our daughter is here and we are working things out.

I'm 43 though.... so probably should have put more thought into my decision.... I'm still not sure if my decision would be different knowing how things have worked out... I think I still would have kept her.

Despite what you think, your baby deserves a father - or the very least to know where they come from.... it's not just about you anymore. My baby's dad isn't a drug user.... at least I think he isn't.... but despite having a very successful career he claims he earns a lot less so pays a pittance towards our daughter. That's tough because financially it's all fallen at my feet.... I thought I'd be ok and I guess we are bit with childcare costs it's hard work x

There's lots to consider but you need to make sure that you are 💯 on board with it because it's ultimately your life. It's hard but being a mother is an absolute privilege and not everyone gets that blessing but we are fortunate to live in a country where we get the opportunity to choose x

Thinking of you xx

Thank you for your response. It's somewhat nice to hear a semi positive in this with someone who has gone through a similar sounding situation. I'm glad you're working things out. It was v difficult at first when me and my children's dad split and at times he tests my patience but like yourself we're working it out.

It sounds like you do an amazing job and totally understand the childcare part. It does get slightly easier when your not paying out so much for childcare. I do agree with that a baby should know where they are from and this is why it feels ethically wrong to take that away or deny it and there's where the complication of the father rather than it being the baby comes in.

Thank you for taking the time to respond! X

I’ve raised two by myself and remember being very broody for a third when they were toddlers despite knowing that the practicalities were almost impossible. I do think our hormones have a lot to answer for and of course once you are pregnant that ramps up.

It sounds like you would benefit from speaking to a specialist counsellor about this. The clinic should be able to offer you a spoon fairly quickly given your circumstances. Good luck. It’s not an easy spot you are in.

Sorry, but it doesn't seem a good life for the unborn child or for the children you have

This. If n your shoes I would book a termination ASAP.

Sorry but I wouldn't want three children at 25. Think how much freedom you will get in a couple of years when they are at school.

Just beware that you may think you have hard boundaries in place but if he challenges it through court and you have no particular evidence of really bad behaviour social services will side with him. Courts these days favour 50-50 contact.
he has the potential to bring quite a lot of disruption into your home and current arrangements..
that has been the most difficult thing for me with my ex > being tied, via our child, to an absolute moron who with every pass makes my life as difficult as possible.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. There is lot to consider and a lot to think about. I know myself and know that it's not going to be an 'easy' decision. I have the call with a nurse Tuesday and I think that will open up a lot of options and just give me more clarity. It's so hard knowing what is 'right' but whatever it is I hope I can find peace with it. Thank you again xx

@Sammie318

How are you? Xx