How to tell friend struggling with fertility

[Harry26]

My friend is really struggling to get pregnant. I have just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant after trying for 6 months! I didn't tell her I was trying as I know she's going through fertility issues and is a really sensitive soul! How do I tell her?

Do you need to tell her so soon? I'd wait a few weeks, then tell her via text so she can have a private reaction before talking face to face. I'm sure she will be happy for you - I was for all my friends when they got pregnant. I just needed a little cry in private first when it felt like everyone except me was conceiving with no issues.

Congratulations!

Yes I am just pre- empting it and feeling nervous! Thank you for all your advice! I won't be telling her for a while but I think the text message is a good idea x

Wait until you are in the second trimester and as others have said tell her in writing - email, text, whatever - so she can react in private.

I'd send a text or WhatsApp, ideally at a time your friend isn't at work. Oh and definitely wait unless you are seeing her and know you'd struggle to hide it. You have a long way to go yourself.

One of my best friends had been trying for over a year when I fell pregnant and was really struggling with it mentally. I sent her a message before we told any other friends so that she didn’t hear about it through the grapevine and just basically let her know I was pregnant, said I totally understood it was a difficult situation and to not feel any pressure at all to respond etc. She has always said she really appreciated that and she was able to then be prepared when we saw each other or when other friends mentioned it. There is no perfect way really but I do think a quick text message is the best way, it creates space and gives time for them to process any response x

It impossible to know the right thing to do as what's right for one person is wrong for another. I'd definitely wait though as 5 weeks is very early.
For me I'd be sad that anyone was treating me like I would mind or be upset but I know plenty of Mumsnetters going through infertility can't even be around other people who are pregnant. No one is right or wrong, everyone deals with things differently.

I think I'd generally do it in person but maybe at the end of a meet up where they could whizz off if they wanted. I don't think you should assume she will be upset or sad. She might be but she might not be.

It's difficult though.

Haha I found out on Saturday with a Clearblue weeks indicator test. It says 1-2 weeks but I've been looking and it says to calculate from the day of your last period is that right?

I've recently been on the other side of this, over 2 years of trying to conceive and 2 losses, now with never ending appointments and disappointment. I've had 2 friends now tell me their pregnant, the first got pregnant their first cycle of trying and put off telling us in the hope we would tell them we'd conceived too but they got to 14 weeks and we hadn't so they just sent us a message with a picture of the ultrasound, the other was my best friend since we where children and she told me to my face when out for breakfast.
I was upset and jealous for myself but also so incredibly happy for both of them, there's no right or wrong way but I'm sure your friend will be happy for you and supportive regardless but also don't take it personally if do they do feel any other sort of way to start with

So sorry to hear about your journey. Thank you for the advice. It does help to hear it from the other side xxx

Firstly congratulations.

Personally, I suffered with secondary infertility for a very long time. Every time I got pregnant over 6/7 years I told those close to me early. From about 6 weeks, because I wanted them to understand if I went under the radar why.

I have a couple of close friends who were in the same situation and others who got pregnant successfully after a cycle or two.

I never once begrudged or was jealous of someone else's news or babies. Every woman has her own personal story and relationship with fertily/infertility including those who are childless by choice. I've always respected that.

I would get minorly upset if someone assumed because I had issues, I wouldn't be happy for them.

I shared my news and preferred others to share theirs as they saw fit and did what suited them and their circumstances best.

I wouldn't overthink it. When you're ready, share your news how best suits you. Your pregnancy is yours. No one else's. I think we often over pander and worry about other people and being 'sensitive', when we shouldn't. It would upset me when people would say things to me like...." Oh, it must be so hard for you knowing suzy is having another baby, she should have told you one on one or text you text to give you the heads up" No, Suzy shouldn't have. She did the right thing by celebrating her news as suited her and I wished her all the best because as a friend, I care about her happiness and well-being.

Enjoy pregnancy, if you lose friends along the way because they can't be happy for you, you're better off without them.

Be super careful OP

i struggled with infertility and on top of that I had miscarriage same time as my sister in law became pregnant (and carried full term)

when it’s time just be very cautious and considerate

infertility is a stub in the heart

I think a text message is a good idea.
I would also like to say that your friend will probably need alone time for a while and will not be as close to you as you want her to be during your pregnancy and after. It's a heartbreak for both sides, so don't take it personally. Also don't share any bump photos or details. Find other friends to share these things with.

Don't tell her yet for starters, make sure everything is ok and focus on yourself.

I was in your friends position with one of my best friends and she was really worried about telling me. I told her not to be so silly and I was genuinely very happy for her. Hopefully your friend will feel the same, obviously be sensitive and maybe just say that you totally understand if she doesn't want to hear too much about it. What does your gut tell you about how she will react? Just be gentle.

Congratulations xx

Not necessarily true, I loved hearing about all my friends pregnancies even when I was struggling. Just ask her what she's comfortable with, you don't necessarily have to walk on eggshells, personally I would have been more upset to have been not sent all the pics and updates if my other friends were getting them.

I struggled with infertility for years (although am now very lucky to have a child via IVF). You are a very kind and thoughtful friend to be giving this some consideration. I would send her a text message telling her you are pregnant but no scan picture unless she invites you to send one. It is likely to bring up some conflicting emotions, she likely will be happy for you but at the same time sad for herself and gulity for feeling that way. Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

I agree with everyone who has said text her. Also I think it would be really helpful to keep your expectations of her really low as I was recently in this situation and now my friend is annoyed that I am not showing enough interest in her pregnancy. I'm really trying to find a balance but it hasn't been easy.

I have been on the other side of this and also echo what others have said, definitely a text message/whatsapp. But also consider when it is sent - not during her working day or any kind of ‘special’ day (birthday, anniversary, bank holiday etc) as it will likely affect the rest of her day. Preferably at the end of the day so she doesn’t have to do anything else that evening if she doesn’t feel like it. Keep it quite straightforward to start and then follow up a day or two later acknowledging that it must be hard for her and checking in on how she is.

congratulations to you :)

My friend text me which l reqlly appreciated as l didn't have to hide my feelings of envy - l was so happy for her but sad for myself which your friend probably will be too op

Oh and congrats xx

I have also been on the other side, I agree with others with text (and timing of text) as I’m sure she will be happy for you but will also maybe want to be upset for herself in private without taking anything away from you. Allow her time to come to terms with having to watch this amazing miracle happen in front of her eyes- she may be wanting to talk excitedly with you about it loads, she may want to avoid the pregnancy chat as it can be triggering- either way I think the fact you are even considering her feelings and how it will affect her makes you a fab friend and your instincts and sensitivity will go a long way to make this a lovely time for both of you ❤️

as for when to tell her- I would tell her as early as you are comfortable, if you are in situations where she may assume coz you aren’t drinking/ doing certain activities the anxiety of thinking maybe but not knowing could cause some overthinking (but I caveat again as this is purely from the other side perspective not from yours and duly appreciate you need to do what’s best for you too)

huge congrats!

Everyone is saying that your friend will be happy for you, but of course you need to prepare yourself that she might not. I lost two friends who were infertile when I was pregnant. However, this could well be because I am not a particularly sensitive person.

I had several miscarriages and fertility issues.
each time my friends were announcing there pregnancy I cried for some hours, I was greatful they announced in a text so I had the time to process my emotions. Then I was ready to be happy for them and congratulate them

I'd wait until I was further along but I believe in talking to people face to face rather than sending messages.