Partner blaming me for harming baby

[ThatSunnyFawn]

Im currently 25+5 and I’ve just had to walk out of my house due to my partner creating a stressful atmosphere and me being too upset to stay. I’m not sure if I’ll go back tonight, depends if I can find somewhere to stay. As a background, my parents were extremely abusive and I cut off contact. I’ve been with my partner for upcoming 10 years, she has a habit of controlling and coercive behaviour for which I left her after 2 years but got back together after couples counselling and she showed she really worked hard to improve. I worry the pregnancy has started to bring this behaviour back out or whether it’s just my hormones going crazy.

The pregnancy has been hard and I’m classed as high risk. I had hyperemesis gravidarum, then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which I’ve been managing extremely well with metformin. I then had a kidney stone which caused extreme pain and hospitalisation. I recently had a scan at 24 weeks and baby is measuring very small, they said fluid looks good and blood flow to placenta is fine but got referred to fetal medicine and I have a second scan to double check everything. The first sonographer said baby was in a difficult position and that baby being small is probably due to my GD and nothing I’ve done. I looked at that list of causes and autoimmune disease, kidney problems, asthma and GD is on it, all of which i have but they’re being managed and are under control.

My wife has it in her head that sugar free drinks are the cause, she sent me a link (not peer reviewed) which I read and ignored because all it said was that they were maybe not the best and to just not have them every day, which I’m not. But with the GD they help scratch a little craving.

Any way, I went to pour myself a drink today while cooking my lunch and she asked me what I was doing, told me I wasn’t allowed to drink it and that it was harming our baby. I snapped and said I hadn’t had a drink in a few days and that I wouldn’t have one now any way because she made me feel really bad about the baby. I feel like my response was a valid emotional reaction. I then went to our bedroom without my lunch and just cried. She sent me a text saying I was behaving like my abusive mother and that I should imagine that this is why my dad didn’t step in to protect me, because he was scared of being screamed at by my mother, just like I just did.

She then sent me a further text saying that she will never forgive me for hurting HER daughter and that the only person I am punishing is her. I left the house immediately as I didn’t want the stress. I had some food so I’ve taken care of that. I had a midwife appointment a couple of hours after and I wasn’t planning on mentioning it but I was obviously distressed which the midwife noticed and I ended up breaking down and explaining everything that happened. I wanted to check If I’m harming my baby or not. The midwife did end up reassuring me but also referred me to perinatal mental health stating I was experiencing emotional abuse. I feel like I’ve possibly been a drama queen and let my hormones get the better of me.

Quite unlikely that a sugar free drink will do your baby any harm.

Many people get over cautious when it comes to babies. People have consumed far worse while pregnant, you'll be fine.

I’m sorry you have had such a tough time OP. It sounds like you have had a difficult pregnancy and are under a lot of pressure. Fwiw I think your wife behaved appallingly towards you and think you do need to be on guard for her behaviour ramping up during the pregnancy. No doubt she is also stressed about the potential health implications of your baby measuring small but that does not excuse her behaviour and I would have assumed she would take extra care to support you and reduce your stress levels for the health of the baby as well as out of love for you. Have you found somewhere to go for tonight?

I agree with your midwife, your wife does not get to police and control what you eat and drink. You are a grown woman and perfectly capable of making an informed choice. I hope you get the support that you need from the perinatal mental health team and the rest of your pregnancy goes well

This doesn’t sound good. At all. Forget the drink thing - it’s not about that. From what you’ve said, the midwife is right - your partner is abusive.

I would think seriously about what you want here, before your baby is born.

You should not have a baby with an abusive person. You are clearly a same sex couple - you say both wife and partner - what will be her legal relationship to the baby? Can you think about leaving?

Yep.

I also would not want her around my baby who she presumably isnt biologically related to?
It doesnt sounds like a very suitable or stable environment, given her abusive tendencies and anger, for either a child to be raised in or for you to recover from childbirth in.

A screaming baby and extreme sleep deprivation is not going to improve your homelife or her behaviour

You really should consider separation as you are in a LT abusive relationship and about to have a child.

The issue is far more serious than drinking sugar free soft drinks (which, by the way, is a load of bollocks).

Your midwife was right to refer you to a MH team. It seems like you are experiencing abuse and are trying to be controlled.

I'd recommend seriously considering cutting her out and doing it without her. If she has no legal claim over parentage that's even better.

You said yourself that she has form for coercive and controlling behaviour, severe enough that you broke up. It is of my opinion, from experience (I'll probably get roasted for saying this), that these types of people do not change. I believe it is a part of who they fundamentally are and no amount of therapy, counselling or epiphanies can change who they are as a person. They can mask it, when they realise you are close to ending it, but it will always resurface.

She is controlling and quite dangerous, imo. I think you need to leave before YOUR daughter is born.

What worries me is that you are blaming yourself for being dramatic and hormonal.
Look at this clearly. Your wife says she has changed but her behaviour towards you shows that she has not changed. She is still abusing you, but now she is using your unborn child as weapon against her. If you stay with her, she will then use the baby against you.
You need to get her out of your life.

If harm is being caused to the baby its by her emotional abuse of you. You need to terminate this relationship now. She is not a fit person to co-parent with.

What is she usually like? From what how she is behaving she sounds very controlling and obsessive, but its important to know what she is like in the context of the relationship.

You are in an abusive relationship and cannot bring your baby in to this environment. Break the cycle. Contact womens aid or any other local service that supports women being abused.

Do you have any friends you can stay with tonight?

What kind of sugar free drinks? Are you talking about stuff like Diet Coke? Sugar free squash? Or energy drinks?

Dont have enough context to say whether partner is abusive tbh. She’s behaved badly for sure but what’s the back story?

I did return to the house last night, she was on me as soon as I got in but not in an aggressive way. She will often try to cuddle me first before starting to say she forgives me and puts everything on me and I just didn’t want the stress because my blood pressure was high at my midwife appointment. I asked for some space so she gave me the silent treatment and slept on the sofa for part of the night.

The drink in question was a Pepsi max, so just standard sugar free pop. To be honest, that’s not really the problem, it was a petty argument that could have been resolved after we had both calmed down, which generally doesn’t take very long. It’s the fact she started texting me from the other room accusing me of hurting the baby and using my childhood trauma against me. That’s not a partner in my eyes and I don’t know how I’m supposed to forgive that. I have an appointment with my therapist today so I’ll work on it with her.

Thank you to everyone to responded, especially those who were direct with their reading of the situation. You’ve really highlighted what I already knew deep down.

Obviously it's impossible for anyone on here to have a proper overview of what things are usually like when there aren't bust ups, but the "I forgive you" gaslighting seems quite sinister.

After horrendous night scenes, an abusive ex would say to me the following morning: "Well? Are you going to apologise for your appalling behaviour?"

@ThatSunnyFawn Is your partner in any kind of counselling at the moment? If not, and you want to work on the relationship, it would be worth making them going to individual counselling a priority. I'm assuming things had been going well if you decided to conceive a child together, have things changed since you've become pregnant?

I’m not condoning your partner’s behaviour OP, but I do get pains in my kidneys and pee that smells like vomit if I drink Pepsi Max or Coke Zero. It’s something about that particular sweetener that doesn’t agree with me. I am fine with Diet Coke/pepsi - but that caramel-like sweetener- it’s as though my kidneys can’t get rid of it.

@2mumlife shes not in individual counselling currently but has in the past. She just used those sessions to talk about my childhood and weaponised the therapy to say that I was ill. Couples therapy was much more helpful as I was there to give a different perspective when she started to twist things. The therapist pulled her up on her controlling behaviour and I do believe my partner genuinely tried to change. It’s really hard to explain but it’s like she lacks the ability to be introspective and I have to be the one to point out bad behaviour but first we have to go through days of silent treatment, shouting, gaslighting etc and it’s exhausting.

I believed that things had changed but I think I’ve been a bit stupid. This episode has made me look back at the past five years and there has been other occasions but she was going through unsuccessful IVF and I just put it down to hormones. During that period, she’s managed to distance me from my extended family so I’m no contact, she had problems with my friends so I distanced myself there, we had a lot of issues when I was studying for my masters so once I graduated I didn’t end up working. I’m wondering whether her lack of outbursts were to do with having me all to herself. I don’t know how I got into this situation, it feels like everything just slowly happened so I didn’t notice it and now I feel like I’m crazy and reading into things.

I think I’ll probably recommend couples therapy again but I know it’s going to be a battle to get her to accept.

You need to divorce this woman as soon as possible and do not put her on the birth certificate.

She is continuing the abuse dynastic you have experienced at your parents hands and will do the same to your child. Please end your marriage for your child's sake

Couples therapy isn’t recommended with an abusive partner, and that’s exactly what she is.

Please work out how to leave, it’s not going to improve from this point.

I don’t think you should suggest couples therapy, I think you need your own therapy to deal with your childhood abuse.

Your childhood has conditioned you to accept this kind of behaviour as normal. It is not, your wife sounds awful and you deserve to be treated better. Comparing you to your abusive mother because you lost your temper at her controlling behaviour is just nasty. Your midwife is right, your wife is abusive.

You are NC with your mother because you are quite rightly protecting yourself, you need to consider whether you also want your child to grow up in an abusive environment? I bet the answer is no.

You have correctly identified the abuse - referring your argument back to your childhood trauma and using that as a gotcha to blame you.

It's really not on. And it's not 'just' pregnancy breastfeeding, discipline approaches all of this requires good, not abusive communication.

Take the help your midwife can get for you. Good luck x

This 'she’s managed to distance me from my extended family so I’m no contact, she had problems with my friends so I distanced myself there, we had a lot of issues when I was studying for my masters so once I graduated I didn’t end up working'

Time to re establish some support networks, regardless of why this is the way it is you need family and friends, (and work colleagues) ideally.

@ThatSunnyFawn Might be able to tell from name we're a same-sex female couple. We also went through IVF to conceive our daughter, and now pregnant with a sibling. Assuming you're in the UK and went through a fertility clinic to conceive your child, your partner is the child's legal parent, because you conceived them together, regardless of whether they are on the birth certificate or not. If you did not use a fertility clinic (e.g. did home insemination) parental rights and responsibility will be different (you and whoevers sperm you used would be the legal parents).

It sounds like you are very isolated from friends/family and no colleagues if you're not working. Do you have any financial independence from your wife? As well as a referral to the perinatal mental health team, did your midwife put any other safeguarding in place?

Is the baby gentically yours OP?

@ThatSunnyFawn Unless you had your own reasons for distancing yourself from your friends and family this is a major red flag.

If you feel able, strongly recommend reaching back out to them asap. When you're isolated it's easy to lose sight of what is normal and the usual landmarks of your identity. Sometimes people who care about you are needed to pull you out of the quicksand.