Partner blaming me for harming baby

[ThatSunnyFawn]

Im currently 25+5 and I’ve just had to walk out of my house due to my partner creating a stressful atmosphere and me being too upset to stay. I’m not sure if I’ll go back tonight, depends if I can find somewhere to stay. As a background, my parents were extremely abusive and I cut off contact. I’ve been with my partner for upcoming 10 years, she has a habit of controlling and coercive behaviour for which I left her after 2 years but got back together after couples counselling and she showed she really worked hard to improve. I worry the pregnancy has started to bring this behaviour back out or whether it’s just my hormones going crazy.

The pregnancy has been hard and I’m classed as high risk. I had hyperemesis gravidarum, then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which I’ve been managing extremely well with metformin. I then had a kidney stone which caused extreme pain and hospitalisation. I recently had a scan at 24 weeks and baby is measuring very small, they said fluid looks good and blood flow to placenta is fine but got referred to fetal medicine and I have a second scan to double check everything. The first sonographer said baby was in a difficult position and that baby being small is probably due to my GD and nothing I’ve done. I looked at that list of causes and autoimmune disease, kidney problems, asthma and GD is on it, all of which i have but they’re being managed and are under control.

My wife has it in her head that sugar free drinks are the cause, she sent me a link (not peer reviewed) which I read and ignored because all it said was that they were maybe not the best and to just not have them every day, which I’m not. But with the GD they help scratch a little craving.

Any way, I went to pour myself a drink today while cooking my lunch and she asked me what I was doing, told me I wasn’t allowed to drink it and that it was harming our baby. I snapped and said I hadn’t had a drink in a few days and that I wouldn’t have one now any way because she made me feel really bad about the baby. I feel like my response was a valid emotional reaction. I then went to our bedroom without my lunch and just cried. She sent me a text saying I was behaving like my abusive mother and that I should imagine that this is why my dad didn’t step in to protect me, because he was scared of being screamed at by my mother, just like I just did.

She then sent me a further text saying that she will never forgive me for hurting HER daughter and that the only person I am punishing is her. I left the house immediately as I didn’t want the stress. I had some food so I’ve taken care of that. I had a midwife appointment a couple of hours after and I wasn’t planning on mentioning it but I was obviously distressed which the midwife noticed and I ended up breaking down and explaining everything that happened. I wanted to check If I’m harming my baby or not. The midwife did end up reassuring me but also referred me to perinatal mental health stating I was experiencing emotional abuse. I feel like I’ve possibly been a drama queen and let my hormones get the better of me.

So she's isolated you - family, friends, work.

Do you have any social contact with people who aren't 'couple friends' OP?

I think you know this relationship is not healthy. Take the help your midwife is offering you. I'm glad you have a therapist you can talk to.

I think if they are married the non-carrying partner has legal parental rights. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong x

Do the freedom project or you and me mum or something to help you realise abuse when you are experiencing it. It is as if your senses are just calibrated not quite well enough and you are excusing inexcusable behaviour. It seems as if you need a gentle reset!

This!

Be very, very careful! I have a friend who’s in a similar situation, only the child is now a few years old. The wife started to emotionally abuse the child too which finally prompted my friend to leave, but it’s a bit too late… Their divorce is very nasty with the wife ramping up manipulation but they are legally both mothers of the child. The fact that my friend is the one who gave birth doesn’t matter legally. It will be easier for you if you leave before the baby is born and she is not on the birth certificate.

Your wife is a control freak. Divorce her. Don't have relationship counseling with an abuser. Coercive control is abuse.

Does the baby have any biological link to her? If not, I don't think she'll have any access rights to the child especially if you leave whilst pregnant so she hasn't formed any relationship with the child. This will be your best bet for getting her out of your life completely and not using the child to control you to some degree for the next 18yrs.

I feel like my response was a valid emotional reaction

This line from your OP really stuck out to me. Yes, of course it was an entirely valid emotional reaction. I'm wondering how much of your life you spend trying to convince your partner that you're entitled to normal feelings and behaviours.

You shouldn't be spending any time justifying your right to be a normal human being. If there is a misunderstanding, your partner should be trying to understand and accept you. They should not be demonising you while you struggle to prove them wrong.

She will legally be the baby's parent, assuming OP and her wife used a licensed fertility clinic.

Yes if using a licensed fertility clinic in the UK. If they've done home insemination though for example, then no.

she’s managed to distance me from my extended family so I’m no contact, she had problems with my friends so I distanced myself there, we had a lot of issues when I was studying for my masters so once I graduated I didn’t end up working.

This is absolutely classic behaviour. Forget the couples therapy. Get rid of this woman and crawl back to your friends and family pleading for help and forgiveness - I imagine they are expecting it at some point

@Richard1985 OP does not need to plead for forgiveness from her friends. Unhelpful addition.

I have been in this situation and a show of contrition is not to be sniffed at. Turning your back on your friends and family (even if you are coerced into it) is hurtful for them

A lot will have happened in people's lives over the last 5 years so showing up on someone's door saying "remember me? Let's be friends again. Can my unborn baby and I stay with you for the foreseeable" isn't going to cut it

I agree with pretty much every other poster. Your wife has found a stick to beat you with and your abusive past is allowing it to happen.’
The sweetened drinks aren’t great for anyone but there is far far worse you could be ingesting.
This isn’t about the drinks anyway, she is getting more control over you before your daughter gets your love and time.
I genuinely think you would be happier alone with your baby than being sleep deprived with a coercively controlling partner.
Please try and find somewhere safe to live or make sure your partner leaves.

Contact Women's Aid OP they'll help you to leave, if that's what you want and they'll support you to keep your head straight if you're not ready to leave yet. Do the Freedom Program too. If you get therapy, go alone. As you've seen, all your wife will do is weaponise the therapy and try to turn the therapist against you. Sulking, silent treatment etc isn't "trying to change". Reality is, she probably can't change and doesn't want to even if she could. You're about to become a mum, the perfect time to make new connections, as well as reconnecting with old friends if possible. Take all the help HV offers and ensure you get yourself to antinatal groups, mother and baby group, toddler group, church coffee morning etc, whatever is on offer in your area that's suitable. You'll make new friends if you put the effort in. You can claim UC if you've got no income. If you have no rights to stay or if it's unsafe to do so, Women's Aid and the local council can help you find somewhere else to live.