Alone and terrified (TW: talk of abortion)

[StitchedUpCactus]

Trigger warning - talk of abortion

I'm in a situation I never expected to be in, and I could really use some support.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant, completely unplanned. Right after conception (before I found out I was pregnant) the father met someone else. I found out early, at 3 weeks. I just felt pregnant, I knew straight away (it was the same with my little boy who is 5 now). I've always wanted more kids but assumed it might not happen (I'm 37 and obviously single now).

He's known all along that he didn't want it, as we're not together, don't live close enough together and obviously he's moving on with his new girlfriend. We were only together less than 6 months and honestly it was rocky. He did say that he understood it was my decision and that he'd try his best to support me either way. We've been trying to remain friends even though he hasn't treated me very well.

It's been a difficult decision as I started a new job recently and therefore am not entitled to maternity pay (not even statutory). Just maternity allowance. I've been clear with him all along that I don't WANT an abortion, but that it was probably something we should consider because of all the practical factors. I was also really trying to respect his wishes - it just seems so unfair that I have the power to force fatherhood onto someone who really, really doesn't want it. I had an appointment at the hospital and they gave me the tablets to take home for a medical abortion. I have them in my bathroom upstairs.

However, I just don't think I can go through with it. I've started trying to talk to people outside of him, and I feel like maybe I have started to assemble my village. I have people who will support me and help me as much as I need. My parents have been so understanding and supportive and will help me with whatever I choose to do. I have spoken to citizen's advice and figured out that I would be entitled to some benefits while on maternity leave that could enable me to keep paying my bills and keep afloat until I go back to work. I think as long as a child has a loving parent, it doesn't matter if we have to make do with second hand things. And I feel like this could be my last chance - even though I know I could potentially meet someone else and have another baby, it's far from a guarantee, and the years in which that are possible are getting fewer. Whereas as things stand now, I'm already pregnant, and I want to have this baby. It feels like I would be betraying myself and the baby to not try and do this. If I abort a baby I actually want, I might never be able to forgive myself.

Well, I told him today that I was feeling like I might not be able to go through with the abortion. He absolutely lost his mind with me. He's told me I'm a liar and I never intended to get the abortion and should have told him straight away. He said that he hates me for doing this to him, I'm selfish to bring a child into the world that doesn't have both parents together, and a number of other hateful things. He says he wants nothing to do with the baby and that I can't expect a penny from him. A far cry from "I'll support you with whatever you choose" but I'm guessing I'm not the first woman who has seen a man's true colours a bit too late.

I can't pretend it didn't hurt (a lot) but I knew that if I was going to do this, in all likelihood I would be completely alone, and he's just confirmed it.

But right now, I am absolutely terrified. Am I absolutely crazy for thinking I can do this? Raising a baby alone, and taking care of my 5 year old as well?

Please be kind, I know I've not made smart decisions but I don't know what to do with myself.

So sorry that you are in this situation! I think the important thing is that you said in your post ‘I want this baby’. You sound like you’ll give this child a loving home, and you’ve already started to work out practicalities. Go ahead with the pregnancy, enjoy it and go no contact with the father for the time being. You can do this!

You absolutely must not let yourself be bullied into a termination you don't want. It's a choice, not a moral obligation. You clearly want this baby and you are going about the pregnancy in a very sensible way - it's a pity dad doesn't want to be involved but it's not the end of the world.

And I would have nothing further to do with him if I were you. Block him on everything. Chase up maintenance when the time comes but just let his negative energy go. If you give him opportunities to get involved now my hunch is that he'll only use them to hurt you. Maybe further down the line he'll think again.

Do not abort your baby. You've made it clear you want the baby and you will only regret the decision for the rest of your life if you go ahead with it. Agree with above, don't let him bully you! Like you say, you've started to assemble your village already, it sounds like you have so much support and financially you will manage. As long as the baby has one parent that will love them unconditionally, that's all that matters. You are not selfish at all and it sounds like you'll do much better on your own than with that poor excuse for a man. Sending you lots of love 🩷

Agree with pps. You want this baby. Let that guide you. You have no obligation to him. He doesn’t want to be a father? Fine. Don’t put him on birth certificate, so he doesn’t have parental responsibility. This will mean he can’t use the child as a weapon against you, or come asking for 50/50 childcare.

you can still claim CMS if you prove paternity.

Look after yourself, take your folic acid and block his number. You can’t go through another 7 months of him shouting and name calling.

I would hand on heart have an abortion

It's not the right time. You're 37 not 47. (47 is the age my mum naturally conceived me ) Plenty of time for the right time right guy.

You won't get maternity that will have an impact on your other child too.

47 is an unusual age to conceive naturally. The OP wants the baby and she has support.

Agree that the most important factor is that you want to have this baby so should proceed on that basis. Maybe avoid contact with him so you can make a decision without his influence. All of the practicalities can be muddled through.

What’s your financial plan for the maternity leave? How many weeks can you fund yourself off of work? How many hours will you need to go back to work once your maternity leave is finished? How much has the price of daycare gone up since your last baby/what is the current cost? Is your ex self-employed (and therefore able to fiddle his CM income reporting)? Can you find/afford a 3-bedroom property?

You would. But she said she didn't want one. She's correct in thinking that having a baby after this will be increasingly unlikely.

These are all the practical things I have been worrying about.

Assuming maternity allowance, universal credit, child benefit and council tax support (all of which I believe I will be entitled to but plan on confirming with Citizen's advice tomorrow) I will have £300 per month left over after all household bills, because I have cut back MASSIVELY in the last few weeks (cancelled Sky, changed utility suppliers etc). So that is for food, fuel and any leisure activities. The child maintenance calculator states that the father should be paying over £700 a month, so if that actually works as intended (I have no experience with this) then we would be comfortable. Without child maintenance, it would be tight but (I think) manageable. He is not currently self-employed, but he's also not daft, and I wouldn't put it past him to pack in his job and go self-employed purely to avoid paying me.

Maternity allowance is 39 weeks, so including accrued annual leave (which would be full pay) I would be able to take about 9 months off. From September 2025 I believe all children will be entitled to 30 funded hours regardless of age, which means if I sent the baby to the same nursery my son went to, I would have to pay around £30 per week for 4 days (my parents have offered a day of childcare). I have a reasonably well paid job so really it's just the maternity leave period that is tricky.

I already have a 4 bed home with a fairly low mortgage that is fixed rate until 2027.

I have definitely been running the numbers for a while, I have a comprehensive spreadsheet.

I do really appreciate all the supportive replies (even those that don't agree with the masses - it's not a straightforward situation and not everyone will think the same).

I've spoken to my mum again and she agrees with all of you - go no contact with him until there's an absolute need. I can do without being harassed at the moment.

👍

I love how he’s all “I’ll support you whatever you chose,” until you don’t choose what he wants.

I agree with your mum—go no contact. He can find out once he gets the CM notification paperwork.

47 is a highly unusual age to fall pregnant naturally!! 3 years off 50.

OP is 37 already which is when fertility is in decline and she wants her baby and may not have another chance to conceive again.

im 100% pro choice - but you want to keep this baby . That seems clear . no answer but be honest with yourself xx

You don't Want an abortion, so don't have one! Don't let this guy pressure you into doing something you don't want to do and will definitely regret. You have your village for support. You can make this work

This. Don't be pressured into an irrevocable choice you don't genuinely want

You clearly want to keep this baby so keep it! You will make it work, you have already made the decision by cancelling certain bills/ rearranging your finances to be able to afford it, i have had an abortion, was 2019 Christmas eve i went into hospital as i wanted it done before Christmas and although i didn’t regret it (neither of us wanted another child) i said there n then i wouldn’t go through that again, april last year i found out i was pregnant again and i decided early on that i was keeping the baby, not because i wanted another baby but because i couldn’t go through the another abortion and i am so so glad i kept her, she is now 6 months old and the sunshine of the house, everyone adores her even daddy and big brother (who didn’t want her) couldn’t imagine our lives without her (even though she is currently pulling my hair n pinching my boob haha) xx

OP, really sorry if this is unhelpful but you've clocked that maternity allowance is deducted from uc right? (Which is mind-bogglingly insane and unfair.) Just don't want you to have a shock if not because it might throw off your spreadsheet a bit.

On the actual topic of your thread, you're absolutely not crazy for thinking you can do this, and it sounds like you should. Good luck and good thoughts.

It’s not the choice I would make, but your choice, not mine or anyone else on MN.

Have this baby and you are tied to this man forever. If you really want to go ahead, do it with the awareness that he is in your life forever. And then get your contraceptives locked down.

You want the baby so you'll find a way to make it work

Personally I wouldn't pre warn him that you're intending to apply for maintenance, because it gives him more time to line up going self employed.

@StitchedUpCactus you seem really on top of things and able to cope with your assembling team. Very best of luck with the decision you seem to have already made.

You definitely CAN do it alone! Especially with your 'village'.
Im a child psychologist and live in the Netherlands and consciously single mothers from a donor are pretty common. As long as the kids grow up feeling emotionally safe and have their basic needs met, the grow up healthy and happy. Also in the Netherlands is pretty common to buy second hand stuff like clothes, furniture and toys, even if you have enough money. It saves money and its good for the environment:)

Also not sure how it works where you live but talk to a lawyer. He doesnt have to be involved and you can cut contact (also based on his horrible reaction). You dont want this narcissist in your lives. Children need peace and emotional safety way more than they need two parents.