Trigger warning - talk of abortion
I'm in a situation I never expected to be in, and I could really use some support.
I'm 7 weeks pregnant, completely unplanned. Right after conception (before I found out I was pregnant) the father met someone else. I found out early, at 3 weeks. I just felt pregnant, I knew straight away (it was the same with my little boy who is 5 now). I've always wanted more kids but assumed it might not happen (I'm 37 and obviously single now).
He's known all along that he didn't want it, as we're not together, don't live close enough together and obviously he's moving on with his new girlfriend. We were only together less than 6 months and honestly it was rocky. He did say that he understood it was my decision and that he'd try his best to support me either way. We've been trying to remain friends even though he hasn't treated me very well.
It's been a difficult decision as I started a new job recently and therefore am not entitled to maternity pay (not even statutory). Just maternity allowance. I've been clear with him all along that I don't WANT an abortion, but that it was probably something we should consider because of all the practical factors. I was also really trying to respect his wishes - it just seems so unfair that I have the power to force fatherhood onto someone who really, really doesn't want it. I had an appointment at the hospital and they gave me the tablets to take home for a medical abortion. I have them in my bathroom upstairs.
However, I just don't think I can go through with it. I've started trying to talk to people outside of him, and I feel like maybe I have started to assemble my village. I have people who will support me and help me as much as I need. My parents have been so understanding and supportive and will help me with whatever I choose to do. I have spoken to citizen's advice and figured out that I would be entitled to some benefits while on maternity leave that could enable me to keep paying my bills and keep afloat until I go back to work. I think as long as a child has a loving parent, it doesn't matter if we have to make do with second hand things. And I feel like this could be my last chance - even though I know I could potentially meet someone else and have another baby, it's far from a guarantee, and the years in which that are possible are getting fewer. Whereas as things stand now, I'm already pregnant, and I want to have this baby. It feels like I would be betraying myself and the baby to not try and do this. If I abort a baby I actually want, I might never be able to forgive myself.
Well, I told him today that I was feeling like I might not be able to go through with the abortion. He absolutely lost his mind with me. He's told me I'm a liar and I never intended to get the abortion and should have told him straight away. He said that he hates me for doing this to him, I'm selfish to bring a child into the world that doesn't have both parents together, and a number of other hateful things. He says he wants nothing to do with the baby and that I can't expect a penny from him. A far cry from "I'll support you with whatever you choose" but I'm guessing I'm not the first woman who has seen a man's true colours a bit too late.
I can't pretend it didn't hurt (a lot) but I knew that if I was going to do this, in all likelihood I would be completely alone, and he's just confirmed it.
But right now, I am absolutely terrified. Am I absolutely crazy for thinking I can do this? Raising a baby alone, and taking care of my 5 year old as well?
Please be kind, I know I've not made smart decisions but I don't know what to do with myself.