Family visiting - don’t know what to do

[Blueturtle12]

Hi everyone. I need help making a decision as I’m currently feeling overwhelmed and clashing with my partner over this. I don’t know what to do for the best. Pregnant with 1st DS, currently 22wks and due 1st Nov.

We live overseas, my mum and partner’s mum and dad want to visit for when baby is here. Originally my mum was going to come for when my partner goes back to work so she can help me. We just found out my partner gets generous leave and will be off for around 8 weeks.

He’s planning to go back to work in January, probably the 6th Jan or 13th. His parents want to come for about 4 weeks and he wants to be around for when they’re here.

I thought it might be helpful to have my mum here for about a week after the birth to help me, she will be visiting for 3 weeks. Then have a week gap and then my partner’s family come.

I’m now concerned that back to back guests will be too much living in a small 2 bed flat. An Airbnb is out the question for my mum and I can’t ask my PIL to pay for somewhere if we’ve just allowed my mum to stay.

It would be beneficial for my mum to come over Christmas to tie in with her holidays. However she also doesn’t mind coming whenever is best for me. My PIL don’t work so when they come is no issue.

Do we:

a) Mum comes a week after birth for 3 weeks, a week just us, PIL come for 4 weeks. This doesn’t tie in with my mum’s holidays (but as I say she will go with what I want). It would mean we have guests for almost my partner’s whole paternity leave when it could be special just the 3 of us.

b) We have the first month to ourselves, the PIL come for 4 weeks, partner goes back to work, mum comes in Jan. This would be helpful to me for when he’s back at work but will I really miss/want my mum there in the first few weeks when I’m assuming it can be hard?

c) A week or 2 by ourselves, PIL come mid November until before Christmas, my mum comes a few days later to tie in with her Christmas break and then continue the 3 weeks into Jan. This again would mean guests for most of my partner’s paternity leave and back to back.

I don’t know how I will feel when baby is here - will I want my mum there for the first few weeks? Is it best for baby to bond just me my partner and baby at first? Is it actually beneficial to have help around the house for the whole time? Should I just tell everyone to leave me alone haha?

Happy to hear all opinions and experiences. I just want to be excited and feel overwhelmed with making these decisions. Thank you in advance x

Do they all have to come for so long? Personally I wouldn’t have wanted guests staying for that long, even close family. If your partner gets 8 weeks off it would be a shame to have guests for most of that, one or two weeks fine. Some help after birth is good but continuous help for a few weeks might get a bit much especially in a 2 bed flat.

I’d have thought having a couple of weeks just yourselves, one week your mum, couple of weeks to yourselves, one week inlaws would work.

I love that suggestion @Overthebow however I should have mentioned we live in Australia so that’s why I said 3/4 weeks for the cost and travel time. I was thinking we could potentially ask my PIL to spend 2 weeks in an Airbnb and 2 weeks with us however this could upset my partner.

I wouldn’t have pil there for that length of time. Or staying even. Your mum is different. My mum was a big help, but some things like doing my washing (when those maternity pads leak 😳) and helping establish breastfeeding (which is easier with no top on - learning to be discrete is a challenge). I was comfortable with my mum around for those things at my house but would have been mortified for my in laws to wash my clothes ect. Or using a breast pump. It’s a long process - sometimes half hour or more to pump. I was comfortable sitting on the couch pumping in front of my mum. But no way would i have sat on the couch pumping in front of pil.

If they don’t get why you would let your mum stay but not two of them, then that is their problem, you and your comfort are the priority.

Even Australia I still think 3-4 weeks each is too long especially with a newborn. Your mum maybe, but inlaws no. You’re really going to want some time with just yourselves and there’s no way I’d have wanted inlaws around that long whist figuring everything out and trying to recover from birth. You’ll also probably want the freedom to go to out as a little family, go to groups, make mum friends and 7-8 weeks of visitors won’t help that. Is your partner allowed to split his time off? So he could do a chunk with just yourselves then he goes back to work and your mum comes for a few weeks, then he has more time off for yourselves and then inlaws come for 2 weeks?

I agree with @Neodymium
Your relationship and interaction with your own mum is different to that with your in-laws.
I think very reasonable to offer your in laws a 2 week stay with you both then airbnb for however much longer they want to stay.

its already been said but the relationship with your mum and your inlaws will be very different.

I wouldnt want either in those first 8 weeks. I certainly wouldn't want them staying in my house regardless of the situation ....

Speak to your husband. If he can split his 8 weeks up that sounds like a good plan.

I think your husband and the inlaws needs to understand that air b and b be the best thing.

A new baby brings lots of challenges both good and bad. I certainly didnt want anyone over when trying to breastfeed. Just brings an added pressure/ difficulty. Or MV appointments. Or a house full of tired people.

i am sure they will understand ;)

I'd do 3 weeks just you guys
3 weeks with pil, (your dh can get quality time with them while he is off )
Two week break
As dh goes back to work your mum comes for four weeks to help

Are you having a section? How are you sure when the baby will be born?

I would go for option b out of your three options. Assuming your DH is helpful and the baby isn't born with any health issues, I think the bit when he goes back to work and you're parenting solo for the first time is much harder than parenting a newborn with your DH off work to help.

How actually helpful are they as guests?

People always say they'll come to "help" what they mean by "help" is 1) cuddle your baby while you do housework and host them. 2) give judgemental unsolicited advice. 3) complain that you actually want to breastfeed your child or spend any time with your baby at all. None of which is actually helpful.

I cannot imagine for a second having anyone living in my home within 2 months of having a baby at least. Day guests are entirely different to having people in your home all day every day.

Will they be hiring their own cars so they can do the food shopping and run you to hospital for follow up appointments?

I personally could have done without the "just the three of us" time after birth (we had no choice because of Covid)
When my mom was finally able to stay it was a massive help (she took care of me/husband) and we did the baby (my milk supply also drastically improved because I relaxed quite a lot, not having to do anything except keep the baby alive 😂)
Not sure I'd feel the same with PIL - but if they're genuinely going to be helpful (and you're not going to feel like you're hosting them) then it's good (otherwise I'd say it's definitely a no - you won't need more on your plate)

I like option A, I would want my mum the first few weeks, even though DH is helpful, there are things you just need your mum for. And a week in between just the three of you sounds lovely, by the end of it I'm sure you would welcome more help.. maybe with meals and stuff.

In my case, my mum and mother in law are going to stay with us for a month (father in law visiting only for 3 days since I insisted I don't want men around, brother and sister in law will be at a hotel for 3 days too) so it'll be a full house, but DH has to go back to work in 2 weeks. So I am OK with getting as much help as I can, setting expectations, boundaries, routines while DH is with me.

I’d go option B. You’d appreciate the extra hands when DH returns to work. I find the comments about mums looking after new mums AND their DH’s after birth absolutely baffling. This is why he has the time off work, it’s not for him to be looked after by someone’s mother, it’s for him to look after his wife/partner. There is no reason a fully grown man who has chosen to have a baby should not be capable of this.

As for there are some things you can only have mum for? Surely if you have a baby with a man there’s nothing off limits? I’m sure I leaked blood lots here and there after mine, including undies and sheets. There was zero reason DH couldn’t deal with this in the laundry so he cracked on accordingly. DH went shopping for pads, nipple cream, why not, if’s he’s a grown up able to make a baby and no physical/intellectual impairment he’s well capable of doing these things. I would have been mortified getting my mum to help him or do things for him. This then leaves your mum to come when he has returned to work in case you do need the extra help at that point.

Hi! We're overseas from both sets of parents as well (long haul for my parents, short haul for my in-laws). For my first we had the first week by ourselves, then inlaws for a week, then mine for 1.5 wks. It was ok but then my husband went back to work (3 weeks off) AND all the guests left and suddenly I was left all by myself with a baby 😅 we didn't let anyone stay (which caused various malcontent but we had a 1-bedroom apartment so I don't really know what anytime thought we could do 😅). Personally I'd try to spread the guests. The other thing is that once my baby got a bit bigger (6+wks) he started smiling etc and I almost regretted that everyone came so early and missed seeing him when he got cuter 🤣

If you can, I'd recommend the first week or so no guests (we did this and it's all a blur of sleep deprivation anyway, but there's often lots of "chores" in the first few days, going back to the hospital for screenings and checks and midwives are often visiting etc depending on your country. The food stash in your freezer is still going strong and you're not tooooo sleep deprived). Then have your first set for a couple of wks. Then send them off once they've been helpful and have the rest of your partner's leave spending time together and getting in routine. Then towards the end invite the others so when he goes back you have additional help for a while. If that's possible that's what I'd do!

I am a recent first time mum. In the first 6 weeks at least I wouldn't have anyone stay (or anyone visit for more than 30 mins) if I wasn't comfortable breastfeeding in front of them. You'll want to do loads of skin to skin too.

Will PIL help? (Do laundry, make meals, tidy up aftet themselvesz mind the baby, and take themselves out for a walk regularly? Or will they expect to hold the baby and be made cups of tea?
Ditto your mum.

How much help do you think your partner is going to be? If he's going to do everything then I would think later visits when he's returned to work would be best. What you really want to avoid is having to host when you have a new baby so if your partner won't do absolutely everything I would refuse to have his parents. I remember about two days post birth my MIL and ex sat on the only comfy chair wanting to hold my baby and asking me for a cup of tea while they chatted and I had horrible birth injuries. I also had to cook and clean up! Will your guests after the baby roll up their sleeves and do your housework and look after you? Will your partner? This is key. And if PIL can afford air b&b and will be offended your mum stayed in the house I would not want them to come any woman who has given birth should understand the difference between a MIL and a mum in your house at such a vulnerable time.

I don't understand why you need all those visitors the first few weeks when your DH has 8 weeks off. Sounds overcrowded to me. I'd have then maybe a week each sometime after the 8 weeks

It's a bit like your DH sees this as extended leave, I wouldn't want in laws to come before my mum, I'd find that really upsetting. I'd have just you for a few weeks , mum for Christmas then couple of weeks break and in laws come. If DH has gone back to work for the end of their trip then so be it, it will help you with the transition. If he can split parental leave then maybe goes back to work for couple of weeks or a month then in laws come . I'd have thought that his work would much prefer this.

The time that I really needed my mum was when DH went back to work and I was left with a newborn by myself (DH only got 2 weeks). I got through a day then rang her to come up for the rest of the week.

My mum also met DS first because she was dogsitting at ours while he was being born, but she went home the evening we were released from hospital, so only saw him for an hour or so. Next day we had BIL and SIL come, and the day after that PILs. My mum didn't come back up til DH went back to work and we spent days together.

All this to say, I would spend time as you, DH and new baby first, have PILs come while DH is off, and then have your mum come when DH goes back to work.

Thank you all for your comments!

I think I’ve made a decision. Have as much time just us 3 at the start, for around 4/5 weeks. PIL come for Christmas, a week or two break, then my mum come in January for when he goes back to work.

It will mean my mum will miss out on meeting baby in the early weeks and won’t be here until around the 11 weeks. But at least then I’ll hopefully be in a routine snd be ready for trips out. We can have quality time together rather than me asleep etc.

I’ll miss her in those early days but my partner will be there to help. I think it’s made me realise how important it is to have family close by, maybe I’ll have the second in the UK. Thanks again!

This is not a time to be sensitive to in laws. This is a time to prioritise YOU.

I also live abroad, a 16 hour journey from PIL and 24 hours for my parents.

I said any visitors who come stay with us in the first 2 months, are coming to help, clean and cook. I'm not running a bed & breakfast with a newborn.

Obviously the above accurately describes my mum who can't wait to come take care of HER baby (I.e. me). FIL has delayed his visit until baby is 3 months old and will only stay for 10 days (because he's useless (his words) and will have to be waited on hand and foot).

I've put up with some cheap lazy in laws' visits over the years but I am NOT ruining my experience with my first baby for anyone's sake.

Also, 4 weeks in a 2 bed flat is too much. Even my mum is only staying for 3.

I think it’s made me realise how important it is to have family close by, maybe I’ll have the second in the UK. Thanks again!

Yep, I also live abroad and have said the same thing! We have to move back to Europe for a second one!

Would it be possible for PIL to split their visit, so stay with you for a bit and then go sightseeing somewhere for a week and then come back to you. So they make the most of their flight but not overcrowd you for too long.

I'd be wanting my mum to come first - not MIL