Family visiting - don’t know what to do

[Blueturtle12]

Hi everyone. I need help making a decision as I’m currently feeling overwhelmed and clashing with my partner over this. I don’t know what to do for the best. Pregnant with 1st DS, currently 22wks and due 1st Nov.

We live overseas, my mum and partner’s mum and dad want to visit for when baby is here. Originally my mum was going to come for when my partner goes back to work so she can help me. We just found out my partner gets generous leave and will be off for around 8 weeks.

He’s planning to go back to work in January, probably the 6th Jan or 13th. His parents want to come for about 4 weeks and he wants to be around for when they’re here.

I thought it might be helpful to have my mum here for about a week after the birth to help me, she will be visiting for 3 weeks. Then have a week gap and then my partner’s family come.

I’m now concerned that back to back guests will be too much living in a small 2 bed flat. An Airbnb is out the question for my mum and I can’t ask my PIL to pay for somewhere if we’ve just allowed my mum to stay.

It would be beneficial for my mum to come over Christmas to tie in with her holidays. However she also doesn’t mind coming whenever is best for me. My PIL don’t work so when they come is no issue.

Do we:

a) Mum comes a week after birth for 3 weeks, a week just us, PIL come for 4 weeks. This doesn’t tie in with my mum’s holidays (but as I say she will go with what I want). It would mean we have guests for almost my partner’s whole paternity leave when it could be special just the 3 of us.

b) We have the first month to ourselves, the PIL come for 4 weeks, partner goes back to work, mum comes in Jan. This would be helpful to me for when he’s back at work but will I really miss/want my mum there in the first few weeks when I’m assuming it can be hard?

c) A week or 2 by ourselves, PIL come mid November until before Christmas, my mum comes a few days later to tie in with her Christmas break and then continue the 3 weeks into Jan. This again would mean guests for most of my partner’s paternity leave and back to back.

I don’t know how I will feel when baby is here - will I want my mum there for the first few weeks? Is it best for baby to bond just me my partner and baby at first? Is it actually beneficial to have help around the house for the whole time? Should I just tell everyone to leave me alone haha?

Happy to hear all opinions and experiences. I just want to be excited and feel overwhelmed with making these decisions. Thank you in advance x

Your decision sounds perfect. I'm sure your in-laws will be so delighted to be with you all, and you and your DM will have some special weeks with the little one.
I found initially I was in a little bubble with the new born, so it's nice if DH has company, and help with all the practical stuff like washing, cooking and cleaning.

Tell everyone the expectations. If you are breast feeding you expect drinks and food to be made for you. And time for rest.

we were actually living with my in-laws when DS came and I gave myself a back injury as I was feeding in our bedroom sat at an awkward angle on uncomfy chair while we got set up as obviously in laws moving about as their house.

eventually once feeding was established it became easier under a cover on sofa.

PIL made mistake of asking what happened with the midwife and I said I had haemorrhoids 😝 he didn’t ask again bless him.

this is your time to set settled in and you don’t know what will happen. Your baby could come early or late or be poorly etc. so keep plans loose.

who will pay for the extra catering etc as you will be on a reduced maternity income so again. Get things established about who is paying for stuff.

If your partner is home why does anyone need to help you? Does he not intend to help care for baby? Does he not help cook/clean

I’d also add that you need to have a serious chat with your partner about expectations for when you have baby-
ie, are you going to express and share the nights, who is going to which parts of the housework, who is going to cook when PIL come over , and most importantly , who does what when your partner goes back to work.

FairPlay life is useful for this . I feel like so often women are left to just take on board all the extras that a child brings, and men find it an adjustment to lose free time etc when a kid comes along. It can build so much resentment and I really do feel those first few weeks sets the tone for how parenting and household duties are divided. It’ll be so much more difficult to have these conversations when a new born is here and when you have other people in your space .

What’s fair play life? @Kateeeeuyyy

Issue is, your child could arrive any time. Could be 35 weeks, could be 42. If baby arrives early he could miss his parents visiting, if arrives late and you have people early baby could be late and they miss the baby altogether.

Does your partner need to take 8 weeks off altogether? In lots of places they can be taken any time in babies first year.

Why not have 4 weeks off, your mum comes for say 2/3 weeks after due date. Then your DH has another block to take when baby a bit older with his parents?

Omg I wouldn't want any for any length of time! What's with all this 'help' honestly it's not that hard!
But I see this doesn't help you.

I think it’s a terrible idea having them all to stay while your husband is also home, you are going to be overwhelmed with help and then as soon as your husband goes back to work they all leave too? That sounds like a recipe for depression.

I would have hated having in-laws to stay when I’d just given birth, the whole focus at this time should be what helps you not what suits everyone else. I’d definitely suggest in-laws stay in local holiday accommodation. Your mum is different, if your husband doesn’t understand that then he needs to think about things a bit more carefully!

Another one that agrees with this.

My in-laws live overseas and I had visits after babies 1&2. My best advice will don't make them too long. I didn't have breastfeeding established and needed time to recover without 'strangers' in the house. A month was too long. Keep visits to two weeks max and nothing in the first two to three weeks.

All this!

Also your hormones will be all over the place, you may want to rant or cry just with your partner. Holding all this on because you have guests isn't healthy.

You need to prioritise your own feelings here.

I would have each of them for 1 week maximum. They can then travel and see something of your country.
Make your expectations clear. You want them to help- do dishes, put the vacuum around, clean the bathroom etc. Not be waited on hand, foot and fingernail.

Exactly what if everyone books their holiday dates and your baby is 2 weeks later plus a couple days in labour and then staying in hospital, you could have a day old baby and a house full of people.
That would be a nightmare. Plus you don’t need that much help for one baby - took many cooks.

I've never understood parents or in laws who want to go and stay in cramped living arrangements, with a new born baby in the mix, for more than maybe a few nights. I abolutely would hate the idea. How can that be enjoyable or even comfortable?

Yes it can't be pleasant for anyone involved. I'd rent an air BnB if I have grandchildren as I wouldn't want to intrude like that. It depends on the family but I do find it odd.