TWINS. WTF

[Latecomer81]

So after dealing with the shock that I’m pregnant. I find out today at a 7w scan that it’s twins. I’m nearly 43, have a 10 yr old and tried unsuccessfully for a second for nearly 8 years. My partner was basically told it would take a miracle due to low morphology/motility. I’d laid the idea of having another child to rest 3 years ago, as hard as that was. Now, in my opinion, being on the cusp of feeling too old/tired to have a baby I find out it’s twins. I really don’t know what to do. I think I could have just about managed 1, but 2 changes everything. I feel horrendously guilty that I’ll be denying my son of a siblings, but can I really carry 2 babies, doubling all the risks I already face as an older mum. I feel really desperately sad by the situation. I’m not sure what I’m after here, maybe some positive stories from both sides, older women who went through with twins, equally any who decided it wasn’t best for their family, and how they feel now. I appreciate that’s a very sensitive thing to declare publically so would be happy with a direct message. TIA

Congratulations (I think). Are you feeling like you don't want to proceed with the pregnancy? Or trying to get used to the news?

I’m swinging like a pendulum back and fourth tbh

OP you sound like my sister. She found out she was having twins at 40 and cried for days. She and her DH were talking about termination as they couldn't imagine coping with twins and their older child. She was so annoyed at people telling her that it was a "blessing" and "such wonderful news". Suffice to say, the twins are now 3 months old and they are all so happy. Her pregnancy was pretty much a dream and despite a few difficult early weeks, they are coping well. I think it's really normal to have these feelings of shock when you get news like this, but people make it work.

@Latecomer81 I recognised you from the Due Feb thread. Just wanted to say that I'm so happy to hear that all is well with the pregnancy, but oh my God that is a plot twist. What does your partner feel about it?

I can't speak to this from personal experience but I imagine a support network would be really beneficial if one were to go through with it. Do you have people around who can help?

Very best of luck. You're thinking about everything in a very fair and balanced way so well done. I am sure whatever you decide it will be the right choice x

I don't know, and obviously only you can decide

You will cope though, if you decide to proceed. Of course you will cope, you'll be horrendously tired and it'll be so, so hard.. but you'll work it out

Thanks for the message, pleased to hear your sister is coping well. I am in total shock I think I just need a few days for it to sink in. It’s almost laughable, the twist of fate

Plot twist indeed! Partner is against it, but he’s a stress head and hates risk, so that figures. Am I strong enough is the question? I didnt realise your chance of twins goes up 3 fold after 40! I wish I could ask all my friends and family their opinion but I just can’t tell everyone, especially if we decide against it. Toughest choice of my adult life.

I can't comment on the age thing as I had my last at 30 however I did have a planned pregnancy that was twins. I had a scan confirm at 7 weeks and spent several days in a total spin. I later found out that its quite normal with twin pregnancies. I'd give yourself a few days to come to terms with the news of twins and then see how you feel.
I can say that my twins are now teenagers and are amazing, there older sibling is an adult and despite a 5 year age gap they get on brilliantly. The twins idolised him from day 1.

That’s wonderful to hear as one of the things to immediately come to my mind when she told me was how guilty I’d feel about my older son being isolated when all
i I wanted was to give him the connection of a sibling but now he’ll feel even more alone

Are you in the UK? The Twins Trust has a support line for anyone expecting/having multiples and they might be able to give you more perspective on the risks.

Not quite the same, but my colleague had a 10 year old and had given up hope for a second after fertility problems when they conceived and delivered 2 babies in 2 years. It was obviously tough and a huge shock, but they coped. Best wishes to you whatever you decide.

I had our twins when I was 38, .y difficult pregnancy was actually my first born at 33. Like someone said, if you go ahead, you'll cope. You just find a way. Was it fucking exhausting? Yes. And they were four months old at lockdown so our network was very limited. It's a crazy blur now but they're 4, in full-time school, they love their big brother and I figure it's just life. You get your head down and find a way, IF that's what you want.

If you'd be happy with a singleton, I'd think long and hard about giving up what could be your last chance

That’s great, thank you I’ll look them up now!

I had twins at 35. Yes it’s a shock and yes it ruined my career - it we were a little gang, we had our own party at home, there was always someone to play with and they all got on really well and still do!

Twins were easier than the first baby and they get used to waiting and they learn quickly crying doesn’t get them anywhere because if you’re feeding one you can’t stop!

Honestly I’d do it all again!

I think you've wanted another baby for 8 years and the universe has given you two! This is amazing and you are so lucky.

I can understand why it's scary though.

I had my twins at 36.
Was told I couldn't have a baby as I was perimenopausal. Ha!
I bawled and took to the bed for a full weekend with the absolute shock of it.
I got over it in about 3 days.
But it's absolutely a rollercoaster.
The worry of career, finances, logistics, childcare....
the list is endless.
Mine are 2.5 now and I swear they're absolutely amazing. Drive me insane (daily) but it's honestly magical.
Just take some time. Breathe. You've got this x

My auntie was in this situation. Her twins are in their teens how and she said keeping them was the best decision she ever made. They were each others best friends since birth and the easiest babies ever because she just plonked them down in their play area and they could entertain each other since the moment they were old enough to be entertained by anything! Congratulations!!

I think this is quite common, I know a couple of people who had last minute unexpected babies which turned out to be twins.

Congratulations OP, I'm sure it's a shock, but it will also be wonderful....?

I had twins at 42. They are teenagers now, and it was a much longed-for pregnancy. It was exhausting, and my career took a hit, but I adore them, and wouldn’t change a thing. Local twins groups were incredibly supportive, plus Twins Trust charity, and I had a bit of regular paid help too in the early years, which I appreciate is not always an option . My other half was also a very hands-on dad. Getting as much practical help as possible is key. Wishing you all the best x

I was in total shock with mine - an unplanned pregnancy and then to find out it was twins. I was very unhappy.

However, I can't tell you how proud and happy I was when they arrived (and a totally natural birth too with no complications). I always used to say I couldn't have hoped for two better children. They're identical too which was fascinating...

Thank you for all the messages, it does help to hear everyone’s experiences and opinions. I do feel a bit numb at the moment though, after the initial meltdown at the scan. Does anyone have an older sibling? Curious whether they felt left out?

My friend has twins and she joined a local twin mum's group who have proved to be invaluable support! She's made friends for life and so have her twinnies! Take your time before making any decisions, finding out you're having twins is a shock 😲

@LightSpeeds I have identicals too. My husband always says it's like being out with two celebrities!!! People are fascinated by it.

I'm a retired midwife and I once encountered a 43 year old women who had three adult children, and she was expecting triplets.
She was horrified to be pregnant, never mind to be having three babies. But she kept them all.

If you don’t want to go through with this pregnancy, then please don’t feel guilty for ending it.
This is your choice and only your choice.

But if you want to go through with it then I think having twins will be a blessing.

Having a 10 year age gap is pretty big and you may find your eldest and youngest aren’t as close as you would have hoped because they’ll be at completely different, life stages as they grow.

Having 2 means that they’ll have a really strong sibling bond and your eldest will have that sibling bond without the guilt of having to be around them all of the time.
(A 17yo is not going to want to be around a 7yo all of the time but may feel guilty for not spending enough time with them).

Your eldest would absolutely love having young siblings at this age (and be an huge help) and there’ll be less jealousy/feeling left out because there are 2 instead of 1.

As an older parent you may also not have the energy you had with the eldest, which you may feel guilty about.
But they’ll have each other to play with and so you should actually find it easier than just having the 1.