TWINS. WTF

[Latecomer81]

So after dealing with the shock that I’m pregnant. I find out today at a 7w scan that it’s twins. I’m nearly 43, have a 10 yr old and tried unsuccessfully for a second for nearly 8 years. My partner was basically told it would take a miracle due to low morphology/motility. I’d laid the idea of having another child to rest 3 years ago, as hard as that was. Now, in my opinion, being on the cusp of feeling too old/tired to have a baby I find out it’s twins. I really don’t know what to do. I think I could have just about managed 1, but 2 changes everything. I feel horrendously guilty that I’ll be denying my son of a siblings, but can I really carry 2 babies, doubling all the risks I already face as an older mum. I feel really desperately sad by the situation. I’m not sure what I’m after here, maybe some positive stories from both sides, older women who went through with twins, equally any who decided it wasn’t best for their family, and how they feel now. I appreciate that’s a very sensitive thing to declare publically so would be happy with a direct message. TIA

Thank you for this, that’s really helpful

I had my DTs at 29, and while it was a planned pregnancy, I had had to convince DH to go for it as he had wanted to stop at 2, and it was me who really wanted a 3rd. Well, the 3rd turned unto 3 & 4 and it’s safe to say we were in complete and total shock for a few days and then still rather shocked for several weeks after.

Older 2 were 5 and just short of 3 when DTs were born and eldest just started school the same week they were born. We had precisely zero family support as the nearest family was 250miles away and both sets of parents were even further - both a 9-12 hour journey in opposite directions.

All 4 are now teens (eldest just about) and I wouldn’t change anything. My DTs are identical and are genuinely best friends. DTs and one up from them are all very close. Eldest is a bit more removed but they are the only one of the opposite sex and just that bit older, and personality wise also very independent. We are a tight-knit family of 6 though - I think probably because we never had other family around to support us, we just always relied on each other.

I love my life. The first 2 years are a bit of a blur now, but we coped just fine and I actually found the opposite to PP’s sister in terms of other people’s reactions. I found everyone to be so, so negative “I could never do that”, “I’d hate to have twins”, “ooh - you must never get a minute to yourself - do you ever even sleep?”, “twins are my worst nightmare”, and probably the worst came from a close friend when we announced the pregnancy who responded with “well that’s the best contraception I’ve ever heard!”

I fought against that from day 1 - yes it was hard, but they genuinely were and always have been a blessing and yes we did cope, and so would anyone else because you have no other choice - as a PP said - it’s just life isn’t it?

I will be honest I have twins, when I was 35. I love them so much they are now 9. They are amazing but the early years till about three were completely brutal and I mean that. I genuinely think it’s taken me till about now to recover physically and mentally. I carried to term 36 weeks for identical twins. So around 6lbs each and the toll that takes on your body, pelvic floor has never quite recovered.

They were ill a lot ( lots of croup/ respiratory issues that they grew out of thankfully) and they took turns to sleep so I managed on a few snatched hours a night for more than a year. Lots of resentment between my ex and I he was pissed off because having to earn all the money and the pressure. I was pissed off as I never got a break (older children in the mix too) so we divorced. Childcare is expensive for two and as they were ill so often I ended up not going back to work. Tbh not sure if I could have managed it as my brain was fried smush as I was so exhausted, put on weight as using sugar as a crutch to keep going.

This is all very temporary and life is good these days. I’m back to a size I’m happy with. I have a nice/ flexible job working for the LA. Dc are happy.

I’d go into it with your eyes open. Do you have a support network, understanding employer, partner very fully on board, siege mentality?

There are more risks with twins and you do have to consider the higher possibility of a disabled child and the impact on your family too. It’s not an easy decision and I’m sorry if I’ve said anything out of line but zI want you to understand just how hard it can be.

Really appreciate this frank post. Obviously all these things have been on my mind. Glad you’re in a good place now.

@Latecomer81

I was told I was menopausal at 38 and highly unlikely to be able to get pregnant. At 39, I went to the GP as I was feeling absolutely crap and wanted to discuss taking HRT and was shocked to be told I was pregnant and sent to the EPU for a scan. I nearly fell off the bed when I was told not only was I definitely pregnant but was carrying twins.
I had my DC via c section at 38 weeks and they'll be 20 very soon.
Not kidding, it's been hard at times particularly as their father and I split up when they were six months old but they are so worth it.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best but if you go ahead, there is support available.

Divorce is more common for parents of multiples, stress and finances and no sex probably https://www.thetimes.com/article/parents-of-twins-more-likely-to-divorce-finds-research-for-tamba-f5nqsgrz85w

cool. 😳

As honest as the previous posters post is about divorce i do agree with it - My marriage of 10 years together 20 didn't survive the twins and he was gone by the time they were 18 months but looking back the writing was on the wall as soon as we knew I was carrying twins (they were very much planned by the way - multiple rounds of IVF and a double embryo transfer)

That being said I'd do it all again tomorrow. Yea it's hard and I'm knackered and I do have an older child who often struggles with the lack of attention but at the same time I know she absolutely adores her siblings

I had twins when I was 33 so no I wasn't in my 40s but I just wanted to say it isn't the awful experience that people tend to think it is. Obviously it depends on your own circumstances and coping strategies etc but it isn't an immediate "You'll be exhausted, never sleep, it will be hell for the first few months/years, you'll never have a social life or be able to do anything, your house will be a riot and your relationship will be in tatters."

I know some people will jump on me for this but really, it's not that bad. You get into a routine and find ways of doing things. It is entirely possible to still get sleep and shower and have a clean house and yes, even have sex! It is harder than having one obviously but it's absolutely not the nightmare a lot of people portray it to be. Also, you don't need a massive support system so don't listen to people who tell you things like you're going to need LOADS of help. I didn't and know plenty of twin parents who don't either. You just work it out.

Twins are lovely and have so many benefits that outweigh any negatives in my opinion.

Oh and we also went on to have another baby who is 2 and I'm pregnant with our fourth now. A lot of people were completely baffled that we chose to have a third when we already had twins. They just can't seem to get over this idea that twins are awful. Quite sad really.

Not me but a colleague had twins. Huge shock as she was an older mum too but couldn’t be happier now. They are a dream and she’s had it easier than others with singles. They’re 8 now

I was 38 and had a 9yo when I got pg with twins through IVF. One twin was poorly and died at 32 weeks. Having one remaining twin and a 9yo was hard work esp whilst grieving. But I am SO glad I had her. She’s my buddy and I love that I still have a little one to snuggle with. I had her for my DD to have a sibling but TBH she couldn’t have cared less! And still can’t 7 years later. My only regret about my second is the impact it’s had on my relationship with my first but then it had also had positive impacts, like learning to share.

there’s no right or wrong in this situation. Personally, I would continue and let what will be, be but then my experience of losing a baby has made me quite sanguine about life altogether.

DH and I just went "fuck" at the sonographer for about fifteen minutes. Then I cried for about an hour at the special midwife we got sent down the corridor to see. I don't know why. Shock I guess.

Eldest DS was 10 when they were born and adores them. There's no sibling rivalry, because he doesn't see them as a sibling. They are their own little self contained group.

All I can say is people seem to want to put the fear of god into you when it's twins. And I can honestly say, if I was guaranteed another set of twins, I would have another pregnancy. At 42.

I can not tell you how privileged I feel to be a twin mum. It's unbelievable. I wish DS had a twin. It's so different to having a baby in the most wonderful way.

I wish I hadn't listened to all the scaremongering and had just enjoyed my pregnancy, which was far easier than my singleton one.

I had my twins at 43 and my older daughter was 12, she is now 16 and the boys are 3. I separated from my now ex-husband when they were 4 days old and I don't have any contact with my parents and my ex does not see the boys so I have very little support outside of paid childcare. I found the first 18 months tiring but OK, the toddler and pre school years have definitely been more challenging! It has brought my daughter and I closer as it's been a real journey and whilst they push me to the edge of insanity most days I wouldn't change a thing and I wouldn't be without them. Twins are hard work but they are also a privilege. I wish you well whatever you decide xx

I'm a twin and we have a sister who is 10 years older too.

My parents were not expecting us at all (mum was 36), but they were Catholics and I know abortion just wouldn't have been on the table.

They were really worried about finances and my dad switched jobs, which thankfully was a good decision career wise.

My twin and I aren't especially close (a shame as I know many are), and I'd say I'm as close to her as my older sister now we're all adults.

My parents said it was hard work and that the key was in having a strict routine, especially in the early days.

What's good is that, even though its twins, you'll be a family of 5 so no need for e.g. a bigger car.

Now my parents are old and facing ill health (as well as issues with their property), I imagine my older sibling is glad not to have to shoulder the burden by herself.

Good luck whatever you decide, I know your head must be spinning.

I don't have twins, but have big age gaps (19, 13 and 2)

I have never known a child as adored as my youngest, her older sisters would walk over hot coals for her. And they are by FAR her favourite people 😂

There's not a lot of middle ground admittedly and 13yo spends a lot of time merrily watching Bluey and playing with happy land... we just make we allocate time to be one-on-one with the eldest two as well, on their own, so life isnt all about the little ones.

One a side note, I have a friend with twins the same age as my youngest. She and her DH often take one each for the day for time with each of them. She always maintains having one is harder as you become the slow provider of all entertainment, whereas with two, they amuse each other. She reckons after about 9 months old, One is much harder!

Good luck, whatever you decide - you'll make the right choice for you and your family x

Only you can decide…
after fertility issues, many would say this was a blessing however, I totally get it. scary, exhausting and the risks.
My fear was always twins! But after having a horrendous birth experience I wish I had twins and got it over with lol

my friend is like you, has a 11 year old and twins. They went ahead and the 11 year old made her life SO easy. The 2nd parent thing kicked in (not to take away their childhood) but they helped so much and it really got them involved and excited. the twins came and it was like having 3 parents rather than the 1 or 2.
I also have siblings with large age gaps and they made my life… likewise they say I made theirs. Which is lovely.

it could all work out perfectly - but if you are afraid and worried it’s totally understandable! You do have to put yourself first and think about your health. Carry twins is a lot (although our bodies are made for it!) and pregnancy takes its toll. But you can reach out for support from your midwife and that team, loads of community help out there (think someone mentioned twins trust). You’ll be high risk so you should be getting the best care and most experienced - demand it, explain your anxieties and tell them you need everything they got

wishing you luck and love x

I should’ve added, my dh is a twin. And his parents said it was the easiest thing they did having 2 - although his gran did a lot to help out too

We didn’t have an older child so it wasn’t the same, but I had twins in my late 30s. Best thing that ever happened to me, would do it all again in a flash and if my daughter one day tells us she’s expecting twins I’ll be thrilled. We had no help so a routine was essential, but I think twins are often easier, just because they have to be.
however, your body, your life and your decision, don’t let yourself have regrets either way once you’ve decided.

@Latecomer81 how are you feeling now, op?