Do I keep the baby or have an abortion?

[alternativemom09]

Hello, I’m in a desperate situation and I have absolutely no idea what to do and could really do with some advice/opinions. I found out last week that I am pregnant, it was an unplanned pregnancy and it came as a real shock especially as my partner had the snip a few weeks prior! I already have two gorgeous boys, 9 years old and 18 months old. Myself and my partner weren’t planning on having anymore children hence the reason he had the snip however since finding out I’m pregnant again I’m overwhelmed with what to do. Myself, my partner and my two boys all live in a two bed apartment and my partner is facing severe financial hardship, he’s also not in the best of health as he’s had two back operations, still suffers with his back and will also have to have both his hips replaced at some point as well. My partner said he would love to have another baby but he just doesn’t know how it would work due to living in a small flat, financial issues, I’m not working and he also worries if it’ll impact our current children. He also said he’s worried about both our mental well-being, how we would cope and the fact we’d never have anytime to ourselves anymore as we wouldn’t have the money to really do anything just us two as well as not having a lot of support around us making childcare very hard. Even though I know what the ‘sensible’ most ‘responsible’ decision may be I’m still in two kinds of what to do. Do I have the baby and ultimately find like very very difficult and myself and mr partner ultimately being affected because of this and my current children or do I have an abortion which I’m so worried I’ll regret as I’m already constantly thinking of the what ifs and what baby would be, look like, be like etc and I’m already overwhelmed with so much guilt just the thought of it but everyone I’ve spoken to think this is the best most responsible route to take but I just don’t know what to do 😢😢

No one can tell you what to do- your body. What would I do- abort because it would cause significant financial strain on my existing children, who are my first priority.

This.

Also, you do get very clear instructions with vasectomy that you must continue to use contraception until after your partner has a follow-up sperm test that comes back clear; did your partner communicate this?

I hope things work out for you.

I’ve been in your shoes and I put my current family first. I was afraid I would struggle with the decision after but I know hand on heart I did the right thing, there was no way I could add to our family without destroying us

Keep it.

Yes, I think that would be my position too. It’s a very difficult situation though and I wish you strength whatever you decide.

You have a big gap between DS 1 and DS 2; DS 1 may feel pushed out by having 2 young siblings, especially as he gets to his GCSEs and has 2 junior school kids making noise and mayhem about the place. it’s hard but prioritising the kids you already have seems most sensible.

I would keep the baby, but I know that info is useless to you. Only you can decide what is right for you and your family. Wishing you all the best, OP x

I would have an abortion unfortunately. It sounds as though having another baby would be highly detrimental to the lives of the children you already have, and they would be my priority. It also sounds as though both you and your partner would struggle to cope.

I think you know you need to have an abortion. Logically, that is the best solution, I think you agree?

The only argument against the abortion is that you might regret it - but that is a moot point as you might regret not having the abortion. Better to regret an abortion than to regret bringing a person into the world.

Of course, as others have said it's your decision ultimately, and your body of course. For what it's worth, I had one many years ago and felt only relief afterwards. I have never regretted it.

The decision is yours to make, and you need to take into consideration that cold logic does not always fit the bill in this situation. You are already thinking ahead to how the baby might look etc. .... that is what we do. It is only natural.
I hope that you are able to make the right decision for you.
I used to work in a womens hospital and often women who chose termination were back again pregnant very soon after .. the instinct to replace the pregnancy was strong. I am aware that this is unlikely to apply to you, but the emotions that drove this are not uncommon

Hi OP, massive shame that your partner wasn't given the right advice about safe sex following the vasectomy - we were given very clear info when DH had it and it actually was about 6 months to get the 'zero-sperm' test results back, during which time we had to use additional contraception.

That's no good to you now obviously, but really gutting.

FWIW in your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy.

You have children already and life is a struggle and there's financial hardship. Adding another baby into the mix makes things MUCH harder for the kids you already have. I would put their needs first and get the abortion.

I had an abortion in my 20s when my life circumstances were really against bringing a child into the world, and I have no regrets about it. Some women do struggle with "what if"s but I imagine you will have your hands full with your current family and would very likely be fine afterwards.

100% your decision, but that's my advice. Wish you all the best

Did you regret it at all afterwards or feel any guilt?

Me? No. I regret getting pregnant in the first place, but no guilt. It was 100% the right decision for me.

Sorry I didn’t explain properly in the first post. So since my partner had his vasectomy we haven’t had sex so obviously I fell pregnant just before he had the procedure which is why it’s such a frustrating situation to be in. Thank you so much to everyone for giving their advice and opinions, it really does mean a lot at a time like this. To the women that commented saying they’ve had an abortion and didn’t regret it why do you think that is? I know in my head having a termination would be the most sensible thing but just the fear of regret really does overcloud and j just can’t help but feel upset knowing there’s a baby growing inside of me yet I know I’ll never meet them and I feel so guilty for that and I’m constantly thinking of what gender it would be and how they’d look etc, is this normal? But I know having this baby would be seriously life changing for the family I already have it’s so overwhelming!!😢

What would you personally regret more, keeping it or not?

It sounds to me like you'd regret an abortion more than a baby. I think you can make it work if you go ahead as so many people often do. I personally don't think I could go ahead with an abortion in your shoes.

@Springwatch123 I really don’t know, my head is scrambled. I suppose I worry I’ll regret having an abortion because I know I’ll never be pregnant again because my partner has now had a vasectomy and I’m also nearly 30 years of age so it just wouldn’t happen again, even if myself and my partner split I wouldn’t want anymore children from another man. So I suppose I I worry I’ll regret it because it’ll be final and there will be no going back and I don’t know how it’ll affect me in the long run or if it’ll affect my relationship at all. I don’t think I would have regrets keeping the baby because even if you felt that way to some degree you can’t then take out your decision on an innocent baby that never asked to be here and you would just make it work no matter how hard but then I would worry about my current children and again my relationship, the strain it could cause. My head is a mess.

@Carock did you have regrets after the abortion at all and did you ever think about the gender of the baby or what they would look like, be like etc because that’s also what I’ve been thinking and I don’t know if that’s normal my head is such a mess

I couldn't bring another child into this sort of situation. I have made that decision previously, although different circumstances and although I do think of it often, i do not regret it. Nearly 20 years on, I know I made the right choice.

But only you can decide what is best for you and your family. Many people find a way to make it work if they really want it to.

30 is very young to say you'll never have more children, but you know how you feel right now. Asides from your partners medical issues, do you want this baby? Would you be willing to get a job to keep the baby and support your family?

I've seen all kinds of families make things work and I don't see anything in your situation that would be a deal breaker if you really wanted the baby.

You can have counselling prior to making a decision. It's offered at the abortion clinic. That might help you decide what you want. How far along are you now?

You should have been more careful, you had unprotected sex knowing you didn't want more children and got pregnant.

I had an abortion when I was 16, obviously different circumstance but I knew logically it was the right thing to do but I've never forgiven myself.

I personally think you need to follow what your heart says.

I now have 2 kids and honestly I could never imagine having an abortion. We debated it with our second as he wasn't planned, we got caught out because we had unprotected sex. I say debated it, it wasn't really a question for me but something partner was more keen on. I can't imagine our lives without him. We made a lot of financial sacrifices and are coming out of the other side now. It's been hard as hell but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Is your elder child your current partner’s son? I’m asking because, if he isn’t, then your elder child might feel out balanced with two half siblings who are full siblings to each other.

I'm sure OP appreciates the telling off.

It's done now, what's the point of doing so?

@mt9m I would be willing to return to work but it’s very hard trying to find a job that works around my partners job as well as around the children as well. I would love to keep the baby but I just don’t know if it’s possible given the current situation