32 weeks and having to beg for help.

[Fim123]

So I’m 32 weeks pregnant, I’m really struggling. Mentally and physically. I live with my boyfriend and we are in a different country to our family so we don’t have a support system.
when I found out I was pregnant I wasn’t sure I wanted this but he convinced me we can do it.
he helped me during the first trimester.
fast foward to now and I’m just alone.
he works 6 days a week and brings A LOT of money in which I’m thankful for. However he wakes up at 6pm and starts work at 7:30pm. He leaves all his clothes everywhere and takeaway containers after work.
he’s not helped get anytning ready for the baby I’ve had to do it all alone. He’s genuinely not got a single thing for the child.
he moans he’s tired but then would go out after work for 2/3 hours with his mates drinking.
or he pays 2k to go and see Tyson fury 8 hour flight away when I’m heavily pregnant.
he has 0 sleep getting fligjts and getting up early to go and see the fight but can’t do that for me and his child.
i ask him to take one more day off a week and he says no basically.
I don’t drive so we have no food in at the moment , I asked him to get waters from the shop on the way home and he couldn’t even do that.
I’m breaking down to him telling him how depressed and alone I am and that still isn’t a good enough reason for him to help me.
im not sure what to do any more. I understand he wants us to have money but why can’t he see money isn’t worth more then my health.

not a good sign op

i would start planning for the demise of this relationship

Hey OP. I’m going through something similar. I’m also 32 weeks. I broke down last night as I’m working full time, at hospital appointments twice a week (on my own) and also do EVERYTHING at home. He also works full time but is in the pub 7 days a week and I barely see him. I feel like I’m going to breakdown soon with exhaustion. I’m crying most nights as Ive told him I can’t do all this alone. My family only live about half hour away but they all work and are busy with their own lives. He keeps saying when the baby is here I won’t go out etc but I need him now too. I know exactly where you are coming from! I do think he will change when the baby is here. I mean he’s making small steps but just doesn’t understand how tiring and hard it is doing all this alone. If he’s anything like my partner, it’s hard to sit them down and talk about these kind of things. I feel for you and hopefully when baby comes and they see how physically and emotionally drained we are, they pick themselves up and help!

what do you expect these men are going to be like when your baby arrives?

diabolical

start planning alternatives

To be honest OP, you're 32 weeks, what do you expect him to do? From the male point of view, he can't see what the issue is. The baby hasn't arrived yet.

If he isn't home, book a taxi to the nearest supermarket and do a big shop. Ask the taxi driver to help you, then give him a big tip.

On the tidying up, if your dp earns well, hire a cleaner. Throw money at the current problems.

In the longer term, it doesn't sound like your dp has any intention of being a hands on dad. I'd be making plans to go home.

Do you work? Can you support yourself? Are you in a country where they will require him to pay child maintenance?

You need to start planning now, to be a single mum. Work out how you will finance it.

Sorry OP, first post nailed it😔

Unfortunately I don’t work. When I got pregnant I had to stop as it was in a busy bar so stopped. And I’ve already used up that money on food / rent / ect ect.
he promised me he would provide x
I have a little side hussle that earns me a bit every now and then.
I don’t get child maintenance. Nothing so financially I’m a bit fucked. I’m only 23 and never thought this wpild happen lol.
as much as I hope he changes once the baby is here part of me is getting ready for the fact I may end up a single parent

I’m so sorry :(
my bf will go out like once a week or something and it hurts me him doing that when he can’t have any time for me so I can’t imagine how you feel.
mum hoping when the baby comes it will change things but for now I’m just preparing myself for the worse x

my bf will go out like once a week or something and it hurts me him doing that when he can’t have any time for me so I can’t imagine how you feel.

you have an issue with him going out ONCE A WEEK?

Thank you guys for your responses. Seems you all are thinking what I am.
im hoping that reality kicks in when baby is here and something changes.
I think the money side of thing comes from past trauma of his family never having any and he doesn’t want that. Which I understand. But unfortunately money isn’t worth more then my health.
i think I’m just gonna have to man up and do it all on my own , even if my body hurts and either think about going back to the uk in a week or two OR hold out till baby is here and see if anything changes.

No he can go out I don’t mind that. The issue is when he goes out and can stay up late when his friends ask him but when I ask him to get up early and help me with the cot , or setting draws up, or buying things for the baby he can’t do that.
or when he says I’ll go out for a couple and be home in an hour and tomorrow we will go get this and that for the baby and then he comes back 3 hours later, pissed as a fart, chucking shit round the house cuz he thinks he sees ghosts & then ofc doesn’t help me do anything like he promised

OP, if you have the baby in some countries, you will not be allowed to leave with your child without the father's agreement. He will effectively control you.

Please make sure you understand the laws related to such things BEFORE this baby is born.

My niece had a baby with her American husband in America and when he found himself another woman, it took months of legal negotiation for her to be allowed to come home with the baby. If her visa had expired, she could have been forced to leave without her child.

This is serious stuff you need to consider while you are still able to fly.

What country are you in?

Think carefully about where you have this baby OP. If you're in another country and give birth, he could potentially stop you from travelling back to the uk with it if you split up. I don't think he'll miraculously change, so consider moving back to the uk now, while you're still able to travel.

Honestly, I’d get back to the uk before the baby is born. It’ll be so much harder (practically and legally) after that. You may not have much time left to be able to fly.

so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t trust him to step up once baby is here 😔. If you were in the uk with support, it’d be different and you could wait and see but you need to be settled and supported (and not stuck in another country) by the time baby arrives.

Yeah I had a look and I should be okay. I live in the canaries.
& to be honest I don’t think he’s that horrible. Nothing he’s don’t is coming from a hatred. I think he just doesn’t have the slightest clue what the right and wrong things to do are.
his mum did every thing for them which explains his laziness.
and it seems like maybe his dad just worked through her pregnancies And left his mum to do it all aswell & she was fine with that.
& then there’s the money thing. I think his heart is in the right place but his head is not.
he says he just wants to work and work untill the baby comes so we have enough money that he can be off for a while with me and baby which I understand.
but I don’t think his head realises that doint that is gonna give me a mental break down lol.

He won't change. Sorry. I would be also worried about how good a father he is spending seven days a week at the pub? Is he an alcoholic?

It’s just such a stress because I’m just holding onto hope that he changes. It’ll break my heart if I move back to the uk and be without him. I have cats here in Spain , dog , all the baby stuff I brought , all my own stuff. It just seems so hard.

I feel like I have hope that he will be a good dad and he will step up because of the type of person he is, how he is with his young brother ect.
I just don’t know if I can wait till the baby comes for that.
or maybe I can. I just don’t know

My mum & dad will be flying over a week or so before due date (16th July) and hete for 3 weeks to help and stuff & then his family are here end of July for 3 weeks aswell
i just wish they were here now to help me whilst he works lol

When you say you 'should be ok' - have you actually checked this with a lawyer? Spain is a signatory of the Hague convention and from what I can see, without your partner's consent I think you would have to go to court to get permission to leave with the baby. You're taking a big risk.

I agree with the other posters who have advised you to return to the U.K. and your parents before you have this baby.
i dont think you can leave anywhere with a child if the father disagrees so check this very carefully by taking legal advice. I’m sure people have been stopped from moving to Scotland from England with a new born as too far for the father to travel. It’s much harder to get you to go back to Gran Canaria from your parents home, once the baby is here, so please consider where you want to spend the next 18 years

you are in a very vulnerable position, no job, no income, no qualifications and your home depends on a man who is not stepping up at all, so you may be trapped there until your child is an adult. Would you even get any benefits out there ? Do you qualify for them ?

My partner basically already has consented.
I said to him last night look like if things don’t change I’ll have to go home. Not because I want to but because I need the support. And he send me his bank details and said if I can’t give you the support you need and you physically feel like you can’t be here then you can go back to your parents & use my money for that.
same with after the birth.

"pissed as a fart, chucking shit round the house cuz he thinks he sees ghosts"

He thinks he sees ghosts...

Just how drunk is he? If he's hallucinating.
This doesn't sound good. It sounds dangerous behavior for a baby to be around.

I understand x
when I’ve spoke to him before he’s even said himself he doesn’t want to live here he’s just here for the money.
before when I spoke about moving back to the uk he said if I need to then he will.
it’s just so annoying because he’s not malicious. He’s not a bully. And I’m 99.9% certain that if I had this baby and things didn’t change and I said I want to go home. He would let me. And potentially even move back with me.

I don’t have any type of benefits unfortunately. I’m not a resident here yet I’m in the process x

You are being too trusting and believing what he says, even though you have the evidence he does not do what he has promised - it’s what you have written in your opening post.

dont believe what he says, believe what he does.

and so many women who say, he would never do that, and then the relationship ends and low and behold he does do that. and then they come on here to say how surprised and shocked and horrified they are he is now doing that, and is making the life of the woman and children impossible

go home while you still can get on a plane. If he is as decent as you think, it will be okay. If he continues to show the worrying red flags we can all see, then at least you are with your parents and can use UK law and courts to sort out access and maintenance

don’t get trapped by how you think he may behave