AIBU...?

[kelce]

To think it's absolute CRAP that partners are not allowed to stay overnight in the hospital after giving birth?!

Particularly after a cesarean where the woman may not be able to move?

Seems ludicrous and somehow misogynistic? Does anyone know why this is the case??

They also couldn’t get their head around me needing vegetarian food (in 2010). I discharged us both in the middle of the second night because they kept waking me up with ridiculous things and having had 3 days with no sleep before I got there (in early labour) I just needed to rest.

And it should mean that there are enough midwives and assistants on shift overnight to care for the mothers and help them care for their babies. Sadly not the case!

I had my baby (c-section) without a partner (left due to DV).

I had to recover on a ward where partners were staying with the other mums.

I feel so uncomfortable I struggled to sleep. One man was also snoring as loud as a freight train. Why his partner didn't tell him to leave I cannot understand!

I wish there had been an option for women staying alone to be in a separate room.

Traumatic 40+ hour birth here, with failed forceps delivery in theatre and EMCS. Husband had to leave when baby was an hour old and I was left alone all night having been awake for over 48 hours and just had major surgery. I had never even held a baby before and was left
completely unassisted, in pain and unable to move much. Horrendous. Dangerous. Inhumane.

I’ve got an ELCS booked and my husband will be allowed to stay on the ward. That’s a recent change at my hospital. They do have bays on the ward that are single sex though, so these can be requested (single sex as in you can’t be in one and have a male partner stay over with you - not that the other bays have men recovering from surgery in!) It will be in my birth plan that I go onto a bay that does allow this, or have a private room if available. I’m sure some women will request the opposite in theirs.

I don’t think I’d cope at all without my husband. But I know I’m a hypocrite when I said I hope that there aren’t any useless male partners staying anywhere near me! The type who do nothing but sit on phones playing videos out loud and just get in the way. I can very confidently say my husband isn’t like that at all and we both feel very strongly that phones with content playing through speakers is anti-social! I dread other people’s useful partners, whilst wanting my own useful one there!

I'm in two minds about this.
I've had two c-section deliveries and have to have another one with my third, so I completely get where you are coming from in terms of help. It is really difficult to move around and get up or grab something without the help of someone else.
With this being said, not everyone is as courteous as you may think and it's been late at night on the ward before and the couple next to me have been talking so loudly and laughing. There's a thin curtain between the beds and it's bad enough when the mum on her own is making a racket, let alone the dad bumbling around as well.

It's one thing if the hospital has all single rooms and you have your privacy. But no woman should have to share a room with multiple men she does not know after giving birth. It's such a vulnerable time and just imagine trying to hobble out to the loo in your night dress, bleeding, in pain, and all these men there day and night. Also the noise and commotion that would cause with like 12 adults sharing a room, plus all their babies, it's a lot! In an ideal world it'd be all single rooms with space for partners

On wards, it's 100% appropriate that partners aren't allowed. Som le maternity units have private recovery rooms where partner can stay and this feels Ok.

I agree. My DH was allowed to stay but I would NOT have coped without him. Midwives neglected me despite having had a serious PPH and C section, was unable to lift my baby or move, I would have been absolutely vulnerable without him.

of course you would have coped
don’t downplay yourself
of course you would have coped.

They are where I live and I’m grateful, but also I’m apprehensive about the other men that will be there whilst I’m at my most vulnerable. If I was a single mum, or a second time mum who’s dp couldn’t stay I’d probably prefer not to be super vulnerable there surrounded by a bunch of men I don’t know. I’ve also heard lots of horror stories, and just in general heard how selfish many of the men are, snoring loudly, talking loudly, playing videos on their phones loudly all night.
I’m sure women do that too but I suspect less, and even if not, at least there’s say 6-8 women on the ward, your chances are lower of getting someone selfish than 6-8 women plus 6-8 birth partners. We just moved but at my old trust wards typical had 8 women on and you could have two birth partners stay overnight, so there could be 24 people plus 8 babies (or more if multiples!) all in one room whilst you’re trying to get some sleep and recover. I’d probably prefer to be on my own.

I do understand though, because I’m also not sure how you’re supposed to go to the toilet and things like that if there’s no one to watch your baby

You take baby with you, in their wheely cot.

My hospital allowed fathers to stay and it was annoying when one was eating smelly takeaway food in the middle of the night while chatting with his wife.

@gregreenbeansrock I had a postpartum haemorrhage as part of a very traumatic C section, I can assure you I wouldn't have coped emotionally or physically without my DH there to support me to care for the baby. I was extremely weak and the midwife shortages were horrendous. I could not have lifted my baby. And I kept almost passing out from the blood loss and reaction to anti bleeding medications given during the section. I think it is terrible that some men can't behave decently in hospital but many women really do need their partners there especially with the horrendous staffing crisis.

so you’re saying that no woman in similar situation who hasn’t had her partner stayed over… coped?

You would have coped.

In an ideal world where midwives had actually responded to the call bell then yes I would have coped but we don't live in that world right now sadly.

You would have coped. You and your bd y would have seen the next day, i assure you!

Yes we'd not have died in the night, though my baby would have had to have been left to cry for hours while I was physically unwell and unable to get out of bed or to tend to her. It would doubtlessly have exacerbated the birth trauma I experienced to have to face that night alone. Would I literally have survived, yes, but my aspirations for women who have just given birth are a little higher than that. We need to prioritise getting more private rooms for women so partners can stay easily, and midwives need to have zero tolerance of antisocial behaviour, but we should not ban all men because of the actions of a few.

I’d hateit if men were in the ward over night.

Lucky it’s not standard practice

My DH stayed after my c-section. I was completely forgotten by the midwives. He was the one who chased for painkillers, who helped me up and clean myself, fetched my food (as there.was no way I could've walked to the breakfast room), did all baby care for the 1st 24 hours.

It was not safe for me to be left without him. I'd have been in pain and unable to care for my DD.

If maternity wards were adequately staffed and post partum midwives halfway decent (can't fault the ones during attempted induction) I'd totally agree for partners to go home but as it stands I don't see how it's possible.

I think it depends on the hospital and their configuration of rooms. When I had DS in Bristol, DH got sent home in the middle of the night just to come pick us up again at around lunchtime the next day. There were six of us in the same room, though.

I'll be having DD in a few weeks and it's a different hospital. They only have single and double rooms on the postnatal ward. I can request a family room so DH will also have a bed and have food provided. We'll probably do that for at least the first night, since it's normal here to stay in hospital for at least three days after the birth to get settled and get help with feeding. We could even request a family suite which means DS could stay as well. (He won't want to...it's boring. DH will be home with him after the birth.) I think that's more useful when the first born child is still younger.

I don't get the repeat comment "for the safety of other mothers"

Not all men are sexual predators 🤷‍♀️

Me neither, because even more importantly, you’re in a room with 6+ other people. Although my faith in humanity is low these days, I would think that someone would intervene if a sexual assault took place literally right next to them.

It should only be allowed if you have - and pay for - a private room. And I say that as someone who had two CS.

Last time two men were allowed to stay on the ward (bay of 4) - one to translate for his non-English speaking wife and one cos baby was ill but not ill enough for nicu.

It was horrible- one had no regard for the women and tbh it was uncomfortable when women were I. A vulnerable state.

But some ARE. And you have no way to know who is and who isn't.

And I wouldn't trust the presence of other people would stop them either - plenty of assaults take place in public, many people either don't notice or don't intervene (bystander effect).