Is 36/37 too old to try for a 2nd baby? And is a 7/8 year age gap too much?

[Salol28]

Hi,

Me and my partner have recently started discussing having a baby. For reference I have a 7 year old already with my ex and we've been separated for 5 and 1/2 years.

My partner doesn't have any children and when we met he was always 50/50 on if he did want any and I was the same. We have been together almost 2 years and the conversation is coming up more and more. I'm 36 and he is 33 so I feel.for me, I am getting to a point where time isn't on my side and I need to try make a decision pretty soon.

My main concerns are is 36/37 too old to start all over again when TTC?
Is an 8 year age gap going to be difficult, will I be able to do things with both children that keep them both happy?
Will they grow up close and have a bond?

Also I feel like at 36 I am more tired generally and after been at work all day and being mum to my 7 year old, I like to relax and enjoy my evening. Also my 7 year old spends 1 to 2 nights per week with his dad so me and my partner do get a lot of free time together, we wouldn't get this with having another child as we both wouldn't have much help from family, maybe very occasionally.

I feel like one day I'm 100% yes I want this and another I'm like no I don't want another baby. But with my first there was never any doubt I was always 100%. I feel like if I'm not 100% yes everyday does that mean I shouldn't?

Financially we are secure, we have a solid relationship and we have a lovely house. I just worry I'm a little too old and I'm unsure how it will be having a huge age gap. But at the same time I'd love my partner to experience being a dad and also my son having a sibling. If I was 30/32 I'd not feel like this but I just worry heading towards 40 I'm at a higher risk, I also had pre eclampsia with my first and it's likely that will return and I had a traumatic birth so I'm worrying about this as well.

Please can anyone comment if you have been pregnant over 35 and had a positive pregnancy, birth etc and also had a second with a big age gap and how that was for your first child?

Should having a second be an easy Yes or is it normal to have all these concerns and worries?

Thank you for reading !

Most people I know had their first baby at your age, or older. Age is no concern at all, but some of the other things you mention (being tired, bigger age gap, not much support) are things to think about.

Hey OP. I’m 40 in August and I’m due with my first baby in July. My partner already has a child - she is 17 in December. I’d say go for it if you want another and can afford it. The age gap isn’t massive. My mum had my sister when I was 15 and she is my best friend now! Also over 35 you are considered ‘geriatric’ so you get a lot more appointments, check ups and scans too. Good luck! X

I would say not too old at all. I have a friend who had 1st at 37 then 2 more after that, she's doing fine

I think there is no right answer, it's what works for you. Lots of people have babies well past 37 and even 40, it's not unusual and often they are better prepared for parenthood. On the other hand there will be lots of people who feel that's too old. I don't think it matters really.

I had my first at 31 and am pregnant with a second after lots of losses. I'll be 37 when it's born and there will be a 5.5 year age gap between the siblings. I have worried about this, it's not the gap I'd have planned, but I've come across as many people saying the age difference is too large as those who say it's perfect. And I know many siblings with 5-10 year age gaps who have really lovely close relationships! My own youngest (half)sibling is 20 years younger and it's a very different relationship of course, but still full of joy.

As for the ambivalence... I mean, the night before my first child's scheduled C section I genuinely wanted to just not show up for it. To back out somehow. I have always been ambivalent, not about children in general (have always 100% wanted them) but the terror of having them in any specific moment. What it would mean for my career, relationship, mental health, finances, lack of sleep... there's never a good time. But it's also not a bad time.

I had my babies at 40 and 41. They’re 2.5 and 10month now and so obvs I’m extremely busy but it’s brilliant.

It’s not about your age . It’s about you don’t really want a baby yourself, you want one for other people . That’s not going to work.

I had my youngest at 38 and his big brother was 20. If you really want a baby it will work, maybe not if you aren't sure.

38 and pregnant with my first. Cheers 👍🏻

No and no

it’s not too old at all I haven’t even had my first and I’m coming up to that age!

I had my first baby at 37 and my second at 39. So a small age gap. They were very close as young children, but sadly not as adults. Age doesn't seem to be a factor in being close, it's down to their personality.

You are obviously not too old but from your post it sounds like you are very happy with your current setup and you don't actually want to have a baby. You have listed everything you enjoy about your life and you rightly mention that having a baby will turn all that upside down.

I’m 36 and just had the bog standard appts nhs offers , nothing extra for my age

Personally I wouldn't. If one of your reasons is to give your child a sibling it will be a long time before they can even interact. By the time the baby is old enough to "play" the older child will be past that age.
This is a really unpopular opinion on MN but I wouldn't have a baby past the age of around 32, I don't want to be doing the school run in my 40s.

First at 33 and second now at close to 37, this pregnancy has been easier as covid made the last one drag and less sickness/worry this time around! Good luck!

Hmmm that's not exactly what I said. Some days I'm 100% I do and some days I'm not. My friends said they also felt the same at times. I always wanted more than one child. However my concerns are more focused on being an older mum with increased risks etc amd having a large age gap. I do overthink and consider everything as I think you should before making such a massive decision.

This is almost my exact family set up- I’m 8 years older than my (half) sister and my mum was 37 when she was born. We get along great and I love her to bits

It was only how it came across to me and sometimes the things we write down give a good indication of our true thoughts and feelings. But, if there are more days when you 100% want a baby and it is just the uncertainty of the unknown then I would say that it's natural to worry but if you really want it then go for it.

Thanks all. Very helpful comments but just to be clear I always wanted more children. But then i was a single parent for a few years and i settled for the fact I'd probably only have one. Then i obviously met my partner and then recently we have both started talking more about it

I'm glad that I'm considering everything and not just jumping in with not much thought because there's so much to think about.

After reading all your replies, I'm happy most don't consider it to be too old as I know it's still possible I just didn't forsee myself getting to 40 and having a baby/toddler but life's not that simple!

My son would love a sibling and he does always ask for a brother or sister but again life's not that simple!

I just don't want my son to grow up alone I have siblings and they are my best friends and I can't imagine not having them.

Lots to think about but thank you to all your replies, advice and reassurance x

I love our 8 year gap, it’s worked out really well, the youngest is now 11 so we’ve had a good run of it.

The age question is so personal, it’s really just how you feel.

I got pregnant with my second just after I was 36 and had her just before I was 37. We have a 3.5 year age gap.

Pregnancy was absolutely fine. Bigger and more tired than the first time but I was also running around after a toddler. Labour absolutely fine, home the same day, on the school run 48 hours later.

I have found going from 1 to 2 easier than having my first child. Baby had just slotted in to our family where as number 1 totally changed everything x

There's a 10 year age gap between my DS's. I had my second at 37 (nearly 38).
My boys absolutely dote on each other.
I'd imagine in a few years DS2 will start to annoy DS1 a bit as he gets later into his teens but they have such a lovely bond and DS1 is most definitely DS2 favourite person.

You're not too old and the gap isn't too big, but it sounds like you aren't ready to give up your quiet/ free time and protected time alone with your partner. They're both valid reasons though. Not sure I would.

Most of my friends got pregnant with their first at about 35, and are now having their second/third in their late 30s or 40s.

I had my only very easily at 37. It's hardly old, especially as you don't need to worry about fitting another baby in before menopause.