How to set boundaries around mum coming to stay when baby is born

[Justanotherdobby]

I'm having my first child this summer and my mum is very excited. She's been really positive/supportive which has been lovely and she has told me she's coming to stay for the birth (she lives about 6hrs drive away) and in the following weeks. I think in theory it would be nice to have the help but I am trying to think of the best way to make it clear that I only want her to stay for 2 weeks at the most. We don't have the most stable relationship and before my pregnancy I was actually low to no contact with her for several years so I don't think its a good idea for her to stay for too long especially as we seem to be getting on quite well atm. I also really want some alone/bonding time with my son and as I'm a SMBC I can't afford to be feeding someone and bearing increased energy costs for an indefinite period. Can anyone give me some tips on how to manage this?

I would be very wary of resuming a previously low/no contact relationship around pregnancy and birth, the issues that were there before will still exist and it can be a difficult time to manage with family members even if there's no previous.

The fact that you don't know how you're going to tell her she can only stay with you for two weeks, which is perfectly reasonable, is problematic because you're already fearing her reaction to being told "no". And that's before she's in your house.

Tread carefully, it's easier to relax boundaries rather than tighten them.

I think the fact that she has told rather than asked you is an indication that she is not yet someone that you can rely on to put your needs before her own.

@lightmuller82
SMBC = solo mother by choice
I recently spent the day with her and we've been having weekly video calls since late last year. We've not had any issues yet but obviously quite a transition to go from what we currently have contact wise to her staying for a month!

@canyouletthedogoutplease "The fact that you don't know how you're going to tell her she can only stay with you for two weeks, which is perfectly reasonable, is problematic because you're already fearing her reaction to being told "no". And that's before she's in your house."

Yes, this is a really good point. She's very very sensitive and takes things very personally so I'm already anxious about how to manage having her here. My instinct is to send her a message and tell her I'd like her to stay but for 2 weeks maximum and after the baby has been born but I'm not sure how that will go down.

She might be very sensitive, and take things very personally but that leaves no room for you to birth your baby and bring them home to a situation where your wishes and needs are the priority.

Honestly I would absolutely do a rethink on this, and find alternative support. You're feeling nervous about it for a reason. Someone senstive who takes things very personally isn't what you need in a labour room.

@canyouletthedogoutplease The trouble is, I was initially very excited at the idea of her coming as it has been really lovely to reconnect with her and she's been so positive and helpful so far I.e. sending me gifts and giving me advice. But I think you're right in that the baby is not going to be a magic balm that turns us into different people and with stress already high, it's potentially a recipe for disaster.

Congrats, OP! Fellow SMBC here, actually about to have my second baby. Obviously you know yourself and your mum and your relationship with her best, but having been there and done that, i will say that having a newborn is HARD!! Especially by yourself. And just having someone around to do simple things while you're still physically recovering and adjusting to your new life, can be invaluable. Simply not having to think about doing the washing up, or what you're going to eat, let alone actually doing the shopping or making the meals, is so helpful. Your brain will be so occupied with all the new baby things, that having that mental load taken from you may be surprisingly valuable. And that's all if you're lucky enough to have a straightforward recovery from a vaginal birth and no postpartum depression or medical issues with your newborn. Which no-one can predict or guarantee.

So i suppose my suggestion would be that rather than setting a hard deadline for her to leave in advance, you find a way to get her to agree to leaving whenever you tell her you're ready to be by yourself. That might be 2 weeks after birth, or 1, or 5!

My mum ended up unexpectedly having to leave when my first was around 2 weeks old, and it was hard but ultimately we did fine, but i also had a lot of other support/help around. Pretty sure you don't choose the SMBC path unless you have a good amount of strength and resilience! So you know yourself and you'll be fine, just remember that post-birth is a particularly tricky time, and it's OK to allow yourself to be looked after!

Having someone in your house 24/7 is very very different to spending the day with them.
Just after birth is also a very vulnerable time, you are healing, sleep deprived, hormones all over the place and emotional, especially around D3/D4

I'd consider carefully how much you want her staying in your house that first week.
Can she do other things to help you prepare like batch cook and fill your freezer?

Or, her daughter is having a baby by herself, and she's stepping up to the plate and telling her daughter she will be there for her.....

Obviously neither of us know her, so I think it's worth remembering that this could be interpreted either way.

@blablablahagain Hey! Congratulations to you too, thank you for that perspective. I suppose the reason I've got alarm bells ringing is that she mentioned yesterday during our call that she sees the visit as her chance to have a break from where she lives and it made me worry whether she's coming for the right reasons. I think she's likely to help with the baby and do the cooking/cleaning but I can't see her offering to make a financial contribution to the food shopping or bills as she has form for being quite stingy, so I'll most likely be expected to shoulder the additional costs of her being here. It could go either way and it's quite risky to let her come without setting boundaries/expectations.

The problem is she lives so far away that if she comes to visit, it will have to be at least a week to make it worth it 🫤

@Justanotherdobby that might be her perspective, when my sister delivered her baby I drove 4 hours each way to see them, I stayed on night (in my parents nearby).
If she wants to support you she will make the effort even for a shorter time (or find somewhere else to stay near you for some of the time).

@Justanotherdobby LOL, yep, my mum is the same way! I definitely hear you. Setting boundaries/expectations is definitely a good idea, I just would be cautious about setting them too firmly too far in advance when you don't know exactly how you (or her!) will be post-birth. Finding some way to set a flexible boundary so she's prepared, but you can adjust to what you end up actually needing, might be good.

My mum surprised me in how she stepped up to be such an amazing support person after my first, and it brought us much closer. You just never know and you don't want to preemptively cut yourself off from that support if it ultimately turns out to not be necessary.....BUT you do want to pre-empt anything that could turn out to be negative! Tricky line!

@blablablahagain but surely you'd ask, not just inform as a done deal - especially if you'd previously been low to no contact?! I would! I'd be very aware that I might be treading on toes and/or infantilising my child, or just being domineering.

I'd ask her if she'd like me to be there and if so for how long -and I'd tell her that I wouldn't be offended if she didn't want me there and that she could tell. me to bugger off at any time, but that I'd love to help in whatever way she'd find most useful.

Yes I understand what you mean, I need to tread gently as I don't want to deflate her but I do need to be clear at the same time. I'm thinking a written message with a loose plan for the baby's birth about 8 weeks before he gets here might be for the best.

I definitely think she meant well but I agree that she should have been more tentative about it.

Maybe suggest she comes for a long weekend to test the waters on how well you get on. Could have a project such as painting the nursery and see if she’s actually helpful vs hindrance.

I had my mum visit for a couple of afternoons in the first few weeks and that was a bit too much. honestly, I wouldn’t bother relying on help from her, just batch cook beforehand and pay for a cleaner.

Maybe suggest that you’ll visit her once you feel able to travel with your baby (maybe around the 3/4 month mark).

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think I might prefer to have baby alone and spend the first week just the two of us then tell mum to come for 2 weeks once I've gotten us into a routine. I'm aware it will be hard but I don't want to get used to being dependent on anyone else. Am I crazy for considering this?!

I'm not a single parent but have a similar-sounding relationship with my mother to the one you've described. I asked her to come when baby was 2 weeks old & partner was back working. She stayed locally but not with us and spent most of every day with us. This worked well enough, I think it was for about a week. My mum didn't cook or clean etc & just wanted to hold baby. I'd anticipated this and it was one of the reasons she didn't stay in my home.

My mum also seemed to be stepping up during my pregnancy, however with hindsight I can see that was more about her self image than actually supporting me. Unfortunately previous behaviours reemerged and escalated over time. I'm back to low contact - the cost to me of the relationship isn't worth it.

For managing the first week solo, do you have friends or family locally who could come over daily to bring you food/ help out with a few basic chores? I don't have experience of this personally but I think I could have managed the first week solo if I'd had that.

Dont under estimate how much sleep deprivation can turn you into someone who snaps/crys/over reacts at the slightest comment that normally wouldnt even get a raised eyebrow. Then add raging hormones and ftm dynamic. I think there is a decent chance that having her to stay before you have found your footing might be disastrous for your relationship with your DM especially if she is prone to being over sensitive.

I would suggest you offer up a weeks stay at around the 4 week mark. AND when you are offering to have her, say that you will need her to contribute x amount towards the bills as everything is very tight for money with the baby. If she baulks at the money it will give you a good indication that she is not putting you first and would be unlikely to if she showed up to visit.

Thank you this is really helpful. Re the financial contribution, I actually considered that but I'm not sure if it would be cheeky to ask if she's actually being helpful? I'm not sure what the etiquette is in these situations?