REPOST - Miss-understood - Opinions please if my unborn child will be taken off me

[JadeQuail]

Hello,

Am wondering if I could have some advise please on my current situation..

I have a 13 year old boy who currently lives with one of my family members due to him been taken off me when I was 17 due to me been in a domestic violence relationship, I was very young and nieve and I didn’t see at the time that I was putting my child in danger by staying with his dad from countless domestic violence calls. The social services decided to take my child off me and me see my child with supervised contact.. after a while the contact stopped as my family member didn’t won’t to do the contact anymore as I didn’t get on with my dad. The one who was doing the contact. After a while I went through a contact centre but I got into some financial difficulty and couldn’t afford to pay the 100 pound a month I know that sounds awful but I was really struggling at the time..

a couple of years had passed and I see my son at family gatherings and I also speak to him everyday, my son has been through so much I wouldn’t won’t to put him in a position for him to see me in a contact centre, I have tired speaking to my dad to arrange contact out of the centre but he’s having none of it.. I went back to see a solicitor to get my son back in my care however it was going to cost me over 3,000 and I just didn’t have the money at the time and I know my son is happy where he is and settled.

12 years down the line I am now 30 years old I speak to my son daily but do not have contact. I have been split up with his father who the domestic violence was with for over 7 years.. I have now sorted my life out I work in a law firm, go to university, have a lovely home and a loving partner I have been with for over 4 years.. I have fallen pregnant and I am currently 9 weeks I have phoned the doctor to make a midwife appointment but I am really scared on what the outcome will be.. I have never done drugs or been in trouble with the police. My partner had an issue 3 years ago for an assult on a women she also was arrested both was bailed and went to court.. he was found not guilty and she got done for wasting police time. He also had some issues before Christmas where he suffered abit of depression and seeked medical advise they gave him some tablets and they just wasn’t working for him. We moved house and he found another job (the reason he got so down due to him loosing a job he loved) he now has no problems and he is happy with life I have read that I will probably have to do a pre birth assessment but I am really scared if my unborn child will be taken away from me. Am happy to do what ever it takes any assessment for this not to happen I am a completely different person I was to what I am now.

Could anyone please give me some advise on what may happen and if they think I will be able to keep my unborn child. I am so scared at the moment and I constantly worry

just wondering about this repost? @JadeQuail

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5063709-will-my-unborn-child-be-taken-off-me

i am unable to edit my post and it’s come across in the wrong way I shouldn’t of put domestic violence for my partner assault on a women and I feel like it’s just getting misunderstood from my typo mistake and I would like advise my situation.

It took me a lot of courage to post on here and I would just like peoples honest opinions

SS will see your life is now very different from when your elder DC was taken into care. I know you will worry about this but your life sounds settled and you've got rid of the abuser so your baby would not be at risk. I honestly think you will be fine and SS will only take away a baby if they think they are at risk. Your baby wouldn't be at risk. I'd be more worried how your elder son would react if you have the new baby living with you but not him.

@JadeQuail this may be helpful?

https://www.brendanfleming.co.uk/what-we-do/care-proceedings/can-i-stop-social-services-taking-my-baby

You'll have an assessment, which will include babys father.

If they judge that you can make decisions to keep your child safe, then baby may be born with a child protection plan, as support to make sure baby isnt at risk if harm.

Minimising what babys dad has done will only make you look like an incapable parent.

We will be completely honest about the situation I would never lie. My partner was in a situation 2 years ago where he was able to care for his younger brother through social services.. at the time they looked into the assault and deemed him not a risk.. so I would believe he would be okay but either way we will mention it when they come to see us. As for my eldest child I would won’t him involved in the child life as much as possible and I will do everything I can to make that happen.

If you've provided all the relevant information here and in your other thread Id think its unlikely that you will lose your child. But no one on here can answer that for you. If this is causing you this much distress it might be better to reach out to SS soon. It might be worth asking on here seperately about the assessment process when pregnant and if you can be discharged earlier than birth in which case doing it earlier night be better. The best thing you can do is what you're planning, actively seek social services involvement, be upfront and honest and take on board any concerns they have. The fact your BF got approved to care for his sibling is positive sign, though not the same as caring for a baby. You could ask about parenting courses for both of you, or find one yourself and both do it, show proactive effort. They'll need to see you'll do whatever necessary to keep your baby safe.

I agree. Good Luck although I doubt they will take your child unless he's done more then this.

I guess for me the question would be why you can't see your eldest? If you now work and can afford another child why aren't you spending £3k as a priority to see him? A new baby will cost more than that ....

Are you not able to represent yourself at proceedings to get your child back? Judges tend to have a bit of leniency on litigant in person people.

It just sounds like you made some bad decisions in your past but you're in a better place now. Hopefully social care will see this..

Is there still a court order for your eldest child saying you are only allowed supervised contact? Or, if you speak to your child every day, why are you not arranging contact directly with him?

would you like to go to the cinema?
shall we go to McDonald’s?
would you like to meet in Starbucks?

you could suggest these as non-pressurised ideas?

I don't understand women who go on to have other children who have had previous children taken away by SS, and just give up on them?

I wouldn't be having another baby, I'd be doing anything I possibly could to get my son back. I'm sorry, but you don't even need money to go to court.

Why have you just given up on your son? That is so sad. How is he going to feel knowing you have had a baby (his sibling) who lives with you?

You’ll probably be able to keep this baby. You’ve removed yourself from the domestic violence and probably the 1 incident several years ago with this current partner won’t meet a threshold (though really OP, there are lots of men out there who would never get themselves in this kind of situation).

How sad for your son though. Be aware that it will be a rejection for him all over again. I understand you were in a very difficult situation and didn’t have money but also these are all excuses. As a parent, your child comes first. Always. And you haven’t yet shown you’re able to do that. Are you confident you will with this new baby?

To be honest, you should be more worried about how all this is going to affect your son. He's been through alot and now that you're in a better position, rather then trying to get him back with you, you're happy to just leave him where he is and just start over again with a new baby. I imagine he will see this as a whole new rejection and may not want anything to do with you or the baby.

You say you don't have £3k to go to court to get access to your son, but a new baby will cost more than £3k - loss of earnings during mat leave alone will be more than that, then there are nursery fees.

You really need to think about how to tell your son you're having a baby. Why don't you see him?

I do agree you need to be doing more to see your son.
I don’t think you should be ‘getting him back’ like pp are suggesting though. I actually think that would be really selfish If he’s settled and living in a home that he’s known all his life. However you need to make sure you’re contributing financially towards him and trying actively to see him. I do think he’ll be hurt by the new baby living with you if you don’t even meet him for a coffee sometimes, or go to court for supervised visits.
i do also think it’s concerning that both you and the baby’s father have had child removal and ss involvement in your families, I would consider parenting courses and perhaps some counselling just to work through that so you don’t accidentally repeat those cycles.
however I agree that the reasons your ds were removed no longer stand, and is unlikely they will remove this baby, though I would expect some involvement with them at first.

Totally agree, based on my experience past and present with clients.

You work in a law firm and have been to university but the way it's written, spelling etc hmmm 🤔 I'm not sure about this post. Either way from age 13 sometimes younger depending on mental capacity a child can make up there own mind about contact etc and a judge will usually listen. Hope you get sorted out 😊

How rude. Loads of people can't spell and go to uni

I think the life you lead now and the person you are now, is very different from how it was when you were first pregnant.

I cannot think that social services would remove a baby from you in the situation you describe, although they may suggest supporting you.

At the moment everything feels very intense for you and I think for your own sense of peace you need to find out what may happen.

I don’t even know if SS will become involved because the notes held on you will be medical notes not situational.
And at this point you present as a perfectly ordinary mum to be, and many young parents have struggled and needed extra family support.

I think maybe you have carried this burden of guilt and shame for a long time, perhaps as others suggest you could work on a better face-face relationship with your son, but only you know the situation and the limits on it - the fact you speak with your son daily is a positive.

I hope things work out well for you.

You don’t need to spend £3k to make an application to family court. If you did, then find it, borrow it, use your salary for it.

Things that stood out to me, you lost your son because of your relationship, but continued that relationship after he was taken away. I know abuse is complex but the feeling of ‘choosing’ an abuser over your child will be very much a part of your son and your dad’s feelings about you. You are now saying you want to see your son but can’t afford it, yet having another baby which will cost time and money. Your current partner sounds a bit messy also. I don’t understand why your entire being isn’t focused on repairing your relationship with the child you already have.

Thank you for all your comments..

I do pay towards my son every month I have done since the day he was taking off me, I have tried to organise contact with my family member however they would like me to go through a contact centre and you pay 100 pound for a hour a month.. I was willing to do this however my son doesn’t won’t to go to a contact centre and that’s his words hiself. As hard as it is I respect that and I wouldn’t won’t to put him through going to a contact centre if that’s what he doesn’t won’t to do I have asked to see if I can take him out but my family won’t let me have unsupervised contact all these years later.. I am not the person I was when I was 16 I have changed an awful lot and I am not proud on the slightest that my son isn’t with me the guilt eats me up every single day.

I am not having another baby to replace my oldest son what so ever, I have been very cautious over the last 11 years not to get pregnant and been on protection. I was currently on the implant and due to me taking antibiotics my implant stop working and I caught on with my unborn baby, a lot of thought has gone into my unborn baby and my eldest and I would do everything I can through social services for my eldest to see my unborn son. I am going to speak to social services on the situation with my family about seeing my son without going to a contact centre.

A lot can change in 13 years.

OP - please ignore the unhelpful attacks on your intelligence/ spelling / lack of funds.

Some people on Mumsnet clearly don't understand living hand to mouth and think they get to decide who has babies.

I think that speaking to your midwife and asking about getting children's services involved from the start will definitely help. Do all the parenting courses offered etc. You won't enjoy your pregnancy if you're afraid all the way through it.

You say your son is settled where is he and you speak every day. A 30 year old is very different to a 17 year old. You will get good advice here, but please be aware there are also people that hang around on this forum who are not what they seem. Don't respond to the posters who are attacking you for your past behaviour.

Your midwife will be supportive.
I'd also suggest the freedom programme if you've not already done it.