Baby’s Surname

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/04/2024 13:36

In that situation, definitely give your surname. And do not make any financial sacrifices, you have zero protection

SnapdragonToadflax · 09/04/2024 13:39

Your surname. Why give the baby the surname of someone you almost certainly won't be with in 5 years?

Yes, it's your ex's... but it's also your children's.

ZipZapZoom · 09/04/2024 13:39

It's not your exes surname any more though it's just your surname. I would use your surname so all your children have the same name, it doesn't sound like this is a serious relationship and I wouldn't expect him to stick around long-term so logically all having your name makes more sense.

Catopia · 09/04/2024 13:40

It's not "your husband's surname", it's "your family name". Both names or just yours. His name could be a middle name if you don't want to double-barrel.

Regardless of the on/off nature of your own relationship with him, are you confident that he will actually remain in contact/support with the child? Unless he is going to be a reliable fixture I would think very carefully about whether you want to put him on the birth certificate and give him parental responsibility in the first place, let alone the surname issue.

GingerIsBest · 09/04/2024 13:41

You're not married and the relationship isn't great, I honestly see no reason why the baby can't have your surname (and it is your surname. How you got it is irrelevant, it's now your name).

However, I have found that many many men seem to see the baby having their name as the single most important thing in their lives. Pay half? Nah. Treat the baby's mother with respect? Hell no. Turn up regularly and do their share of the childcare? Not a chance. But insist the baby has their name? 100%.

Original poster

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 13:46

Thank you everyone, yes I should stop seeing it as my ex’s name! The father of the baby will be in the babies life even if we are not together, he has a child from a previous marriage and is very much involved. I just worried I was being petty - just didn’t feel right that my baby would have the same name as him, his son and his ex wife but not me or mine….
but I’m going to take this as - no I am not being petty ha x

OP posts:

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:15

SnapdragonToadflax · 09/04/2024 13:39

Your surname. Why give the baby the surname of someone you almost certainly won't be with in 5 years?

Yes, it's your ex's... but it's also your children's.

Simple. He is the Father and he is recognising his baby too.
If a woman want to be a single mum, instead of using men, should get the assisted insemination and get a baby. Indeed, the baby will suffer from missing the important role the father has in the child upbringing.
You are talking like the father doesn't exist. Do you have or did you had your father? This child want his/her father too.

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:23

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 13:19

I’m divorced and still have my married name as we have children from that marriage so my surname and theirs are the same. I am pregnant and in an on and off again relationship unfortunately - we don’t live together nor have plans to. My question is what do I do about the babies surname. He wants the baby to have his name but I feel uncomfortable with this as I won’t share the name and have no plans to marry, but I can see why he doesn’t want the baby to have my name as it’s also my ex’s name…. We could double barrel but admittedly that sounds rubbish 🫠

The baby should have also his surname, he is the Father, the child is not only yours, the child has a father and mother and needs both of you.

ZipZapZoom · 09/04/2024 22:25

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:23

The baby should have also his surname, he is the Father, the child is not only yours, the child has a father and mother and needs both of you.

Show quote history

The child will still have a father and a mother, they don't need their father's surname for him to be their father, it's 2024 for goodness sake, if they are not together then the baby should absolutely have their mothers name.

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 22:25

He can be a father without the child having his name. I would want my kids to all have the same surname

NamingConundrum · 09/04/2024 22:26

Of course the child should have your name. It's your child. If he will be an equal and committed parent to that child then double barrel. You both deserve to have that written connection. If he has issue with double barreling then his name can get dropped. Or give one surname as a second middle name. If he says its your exs name tell him to piss off as its your name.

theduchessofspork · 09/04/2024 22:26

Your surname is your surname - it’s not just ‘your husband’s name’ anymore than your name before you married was just ‘your dad’s surname’.

If he’s going to be the deadbeat dad you describe, it would be nuts for your child not to have your name and I’m not sure I’d be bothered by what he thinks, but you could use his name as a middle name or use his surname as the first half of a double barrel but not use it day to day.

theduchessofspork · 09/04/2024 22:30

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:23

The baby should have also his surname, he is the Father, the child is not only yours, the child has a father and mother and needs both of you.

Show quote history

Does Father get a capital because Fathers are like God?!

The PP is the mother (or Mother) - the baby doesn’t have an automatic need to have his name rather than hers. Given its half siblings have her name, hers makes more sense. You are a parent (Parent?) regardless of whether your kid has your surname or not.

Metrictum · 09/04/2024 22:30

It’s your name! It doesn’t matter where it came from. It is also the name of your ‘family’ ie you and your kids. Your new baby will be part of that family too and there is no reason it shouldn’t share the name with mum and its siblings.

My husband’s grandfather was a terrible human but we have his surname. We also share it with several thousand total strangers and no doubt many of them are Arseholes too! What matters is that it is shared with the five of us as a family unit. I don’t care about its providence beyond that.

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:30

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 22:25

He can be a father without the child having his name. I would want my kids to all have the same surname

Your kids could be only yours if a man is not involved.
If the father recognises the child, he should be on the child birth certificate.
And if you won't the children to have the same surname, stick with the same man.

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 22:32

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:30

Your kids could be only yours if a man is not involved.
If the father recognises the child, he should be on the child birth certificate.
And if you won't the children to have the same surname, stick with the same man.

Show quote history

Nobody said he wouldn't be on the birth certificate. He can be on there and the baby can still have OPs surname.

Original poster

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 22:35

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:23

The baby should have also his surname, he is the Father, the child is not only yours, the child has a father and mother and needs both of you.

Show quote history

Hey,
Yes of course the child is both of ours and he will be on the birth certificate regardless of our relationship status. I am considering using both our surnames but I find the fact they sound stupid together and the fact the baby will have a different surname to all of his/her family off putting

OP posts:

Angeldelight50 · 09/04/2024 22:36

Why are people so hellbent on having the same surname? What difference does it make if DC1 is Smith and DC2 is Smith-Jones. As many of you have said, it’s 2024, after all…

I grew up with a different surname to my mother and siblings and it never once reared its head as an issue, and it certainly didn’t make us feel like any less of a family. OP has said she is confident he is going to be an involved father, I don’t see why his surname would be removed just because he and OP and decided not to be in a romantic relationship.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/04/2024 22:41

Give baby your surname and if the relationship lasts and you end up married then he can take your name. He can't see any issue with that and having his other child have a different name to him seeing as he's expecting you to do just that.

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:45

Angeldelight50 · 09/04/2024 22:36

Why are people so hellbent on having the same surname? What difference does it make if DC1 is Smith and DC2 is Smith-Jones. As many of you have said, it’s 2024, after all…

I grew up with a different surname to my mother and siblings and it never once reared its head as an issue, and it certainly didn’t make us feel like any less of a family. OP has said she is confident he is going to be an involved father, I don’t see why his surname would be removed just because he and OP and decided not to be in a romantic relationship.

Well said. Thank you.

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:50

theduchessofspork · 09/04/2024 22:30

Does Father get a capital because Fathers are like God?!

The PP is the mother (or Mother) - the baby doesn’t have an automatic need to have his name rather than hers. Given its half siblings have her name, hers makes more sense. You are a parent (Parent?) regardless of whether your kid has your surname or not.

Show quote history

So, why not to have also the father's surname?
Honestly in 2024, I never had so silly and pathetic conversation.
You are clearly divorced or single mum or separated savy for revenge against men.
Which surname do you have, your mother' or father's?

Original poster

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 22:50

Angeldelight50 · 09/04/2024 22:36

Why are people so hellbent on having the same surname? What difference does it make if DC1 is Smith and DC2 is Smith-Jones. As many of you have said, it’s 2024, after all…

I grew up with a different surname to my mother and siblings and it never once reared its head as an issue, and it certainly didn’t make us feel like any less of a family. OP has said she is confident he is going to be an involved father, I don’t see why his surname would be removed just because he and OP and decided not to be in a romantic relationship.

That’s good to know thanks, my friend hated having a different surname so it’s nice to see not everyone feels that way. I wouldn’t be removing his name though? If I add it then it will stay regardless of our relationship status, I’m just undecided on whether to include his name. Usually the baby takes the mother’s name out of wedlock / relationship. To be honest the more I think about it even if I remarried, him or someone else I don’t think I’d ever change my name again - hassle!

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2024 22:52

Your surname belongs to you now. Use it for your child if you want. The source of the name doesn’t really matter.

Original poster

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 22:56

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 22:30

Your kids could be only yours if a man is not involved.
If the father recognises the child, he should be on the child birth certificate.
And if you won't the children to have the same surname, stick with the same man.

Show quote history

Like I have said he will be on the birth certificate and will have parental rights but that’s not what the discussion was about. The stick with the same man comment is a little off a bit of a blind statement, but thank you for your input nonetheless

OP posts:

MauveTigerfd · 09/04/2024 23:01

Gold3109 · 09/04/2024 22:56

Like I have said he will be on the birth certificate and will have parental rights but that’s not what the discussion was about. The stick with the same man comment is a little off a bit of a blind statement, but thank you for your input nonetheless

Show quote history

I can see where you come from. Parental rights.. so you can get money from him as he will not be able to be present and involved in the upbringing of the child.
This is so disgusting and stinks!