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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I want to have a baby my partner doesn’t

57 replies

Needinglifeadvice · 05/04/2024 14:53

Hello

I am looking for some advice. I am 29 and my partner is 46. We met when I was 20 and at that point I thought I would never want children (so I appreciate this is my fault) However, when I was around 26 I started to really want to have my own baby. He told me that he would like to have a baby with me too but why not wait until I was 30 and was more settled in my career, I thought that was a good idea. I will be 30 next month and have a job I love that pays well. I brought up having a baby with him again last week. He said he didn’t want a baby. I understand where he is coming from given the fact that when he met me I agreed to not having children and he also has children with his ex wife and plus he isn’t getting any younger either. He also told me that he doesn’t want to get married again. I know I am being very selfish but I just feel so sad that his ex wife got to experience all of this with him and I won’t. I am so in love with him and can’t imagine my life without him, but I appreciate that I need to respect his wishes, I just wish he had told me he didn’t want a baby 4 years ago. Do I just accept his decision and be grateful that I have a partner that I love or will I regret this in years to come.
P.s I have PCOS and endometriosis, so might not be a possibility.
Thank you so much for reading x

OP posts:

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 05/04/2024 14:57

Honestly I would leave.

He doesn't want to commit to you, it's going to eat away that he had kids with his ex and got married to her, and you'll spend the rest of your life feeling second best.

Fair enough if he doesn't want kids, but you do, and there's rarely any coming back from that.

It's a tough one op.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/04/2024 15:00

Only you can know the answer to that OP, you need to think about what you would regret most- not having children, or living without him?

For me personally I have always wanted a family so when my husband & I first started seeing each other I was really transparent about that, although we were young at the time, having kids was never something I was willing to compromise on. Luckily he was on the same page and also wanted a family, if not I wouldn’t have stayed with him because as much as I love him I knew having children was extremely important to me and I knew that if I stayed with him & didn’t have children I would only grow to resent him anyway.

Have a think about how you see your life in 10 years time & what you can live with, being with him child free? Being with somebody else with children? Potentially being a single mother? Leaving him and potentially never having a child anyway? Think about all of your options and go from there x

Rosesanddaisies1 · 05/04/2024 15:00

I'd leave him. Kindly, I'd be very surprised if a 46 year old who already has kids, want to have a baby. you have time to find a new partner who does want kids.

Sa11yCinnamon · 05/04/2024 15:02

You're not being selfish, you are completely entitled to change your mind - something he obviously acknowledged when he told you he'd like to have a baby with you too.

It really boils down to what you want more. I've ended a relationship with someone who didn't want marriage or kids because I did, it's really hard because neither of you has done anything wrong. But I knew it was what I had to do. Only you know what matters the most to you.

I would also say, please don't let your PCOS and endometriosis influence your decision here as I know plenty of people who've conceived with one or both - some easily, some needing assistance.

Sending love, it's a horrible position to be in xx

JollyJanuary · 05/04/2024 15:04

He told you he wanted a baby when you were 30 and now he's told you he doesn't. I reckon he's been stringing you along. Go and have your baby with someone who values you and wants the same things. Cracking age gap there too.

Liloona · 05/04/2024 15:06

You cannot compromise on having children and nor should you (in either direction). If you want children you need to leave this man and find someone who wants them.

NavyPeer · 05/04/2024 15:07

You are in control of your own life

why on earth are you mugging yourself off playing the second young girlfriend to a man twenty years older than you

find a bloke your own age who wants a family with you rather than just being a supporting actress in his midlife crisis

he doesn’t want kids with you, he’s done all that- you’re for fun.

staying with him is absolute self harm. Don’t waste another year torpedoing your own life and own goals for old dick

Alstreena · 05/04/2024 15:15

OP, do not waste your fertile years on this man.

Find someone who wants what you want.

The age gap could also be problematic. When you are 60 and still lively he will be 77 and could have failing health.
Do you want to spend your retirement nursing a geriatric?

Messagetoyou · 05/04/2024 15:16

I’m not surprised that your wishes aren’t aligned given your age gap. I can’t imagine any man who is nearly fifty wanting a baby.

This shouldn’t mean that you have to miss out on your dreams though. He’s stalled for time asking you to wait until you’re 30, then told you he doesn’t want kids after all. Not nice for you. As much as you love him, your want for a family should take priority. Horrible that you’re in this position.

LolaJ87 · 05/04/2024 15:19

You were 20 when you met, of course you didn't want children right then.

He has strung you along for the past 3/4 years with the expectation you would start trying around you turning 30. He has wasted those years of you having the chance to find someone else who DOES want to marry your and DOES want to build a family with you. I was older having my first but with your conditions, the sooner you start TTC the better.

Please get yourself out before spending any more time on this man. You're not being selfish by wanting what you want and you have been honest with him throughout, which he has not been with you.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/04/2024 15:19

When you’re 40 and he’s a relatively ( to you ) old man pushing 60 you’ll be sorry you didn’t try to have a child. You may not succeed - but if you leave at least you can try.

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 15:21

I'm another vote for leave I'm afraid. I think if you stay and never have a child, in about 10 years time you'll be resentful

Inthetropics · 05/04/2024 15:23

You want completely diferent things: he wants a fun carefree relationship with a young woman. You want marriage and children. He lied to you: it doesn't sound like he even entertained the idea of kids with you; when he asked to wait until you were 30 he was probably just trying to avoid/delay an unpleasant conversation. He is stringing you along. You are the fun younger woman, that's all.

Catopia · 05/04/2024 15:23

You're not being selfish. These things are dealbreaker material and you have to decide if they are dealbreakers for you. Lots of people are fairly ambivalent at 20, but by 30 are really feeling that maternal/paternal pull, there's no need to feel guilty about that.

GrumpyPanda · 05/04/2024 15:24

He lied to you. You say you love him now, but isn't that more because you've invested all those years in him? Him futurefaking you for so long certainly doesn't indicate he loves you in the same way. He doesn't care for you as a person - you're a convenience.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/04/2024 15:26

Leave him, plus you have more chance of becoming a nurse maid. I know people get annoyed and people will say well my DH can run up Ben Nevis and he is 75 but that’s the exception. He will also be due to retire 16 years before you, that’s a long time, I’m getting annoyed having to wait 5 years for DH to retire as he is a little younger.

I know at 20 your an adult but the frontal lobe of your brain has not fully formed it is formed usually by around 28 hence why at 20 it’s hard to make such a big decisions. When I was 20 my boss made a play for me, he was 40 and so bit of a bigger gap, he was an avid runner so very fit and healthy but I just thought he was a cheeky old bastard and a bit creepy as I could have been his daughter.

viques · 05/04/2024 15:27

I would move on OP. There is a possibility, and it does happen, that in eight or ten years time he will decide that yes, he does want a second family after all, but maybe not with you, or it won’t be the right time for you in your career, or your physical health might make conception difficult. Those will be choices outside your control and you would have to suck them up.

At the moment you do have choices, you just need to decide which ones are the ones that mean the most to you. Good luck.

OneMoreTimeBaby · 05/04/2024 15:31

Please leave this man, you have already given him a lot of your fertile years and you will resent staying with him if you end up childless as he approaches retirement. You will regret it if you stay!

Change is daunting but in another 5 years you could be married and have children with someone who also wants the same as you do.

GreatGateauxsby · 05/04/2024 15:33

I am 29 and my partner is 46

i got to this part of your post and thought “you are wasting your time”

This man does not want children.
He has lied to you and is continuing to string you along.
if you want children you need to leave him now.

At 46 the die is cast.
he doesn’t want kids, won’t support the fertility treatment you may need and he won’t want to be involved if you do manage to have one.
He will resent the disruption to his life and you will be blamed.

get out now.

ps as someone who was on the fence about kids my 2 are the best thing I have ever done.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/04/2024 15:35

He doesn't want to marry you

He doesn't want children with you

AKA He doesn't want any sort of commitment with you.

Don't waste any more of your fertile years on him.

Constantdistractions · 05/04/2024 15:39

Please don't blame yourself for feeling this way. When your partner got into a relationship with a 20 year old he would have known you may at some point change your mind on wanting children.

It seems he has been stringing you along recently. My advice would be to leave and find someone with similar goals. Don't live to regret not having children or someone who will commit to you.

FairyMaclary · 05/04/2024 15:41

He future faked.

When you got together and you were 20 and he was 36 he must have known that what you think you want at 20 may change. You are not unusual changing your mind about wanting children.

You have grown apart as you no longer want the same future. You may love him but I don’t believe love is enough to choose to spend your life with someone.

EpicPineapple · 05/04/2024 15:41

If you stay with this man, you won’t forgive yourself and you will never stop grieving for the baby you never had.

The fact that twenty year old you thought you didn’t want kids is irrelevant, that was quite normal at that age, and more importantly since then he agreed to have a baby but asked you to delay. He’s been deliberately wasting your most fertile years hoping that you’ll run out of time and get stuck with him. I could never forgive that.

Leave him asap. I doubt he’s much of a catch, given he’s a liar who’s already failed at one marriage and was dating a twenty year old at age 36? What a creep, I’m so sad for you that you met him. I don’t see the attraction of being his carer as he ages either.

The PCOS and endo is the far bigger problem. See a doctor and find out what your chances of a baby are, you may need IVF and that only has about a thirty per cent success rate so you may need several attempts or wven a donor egg. I have PCOS and endo and a decade of trying gave me only one child, IVF failed for me. I wish you better luck.

SErunner · 05/04/2024 15:42

He doesn't want to commit to you in any way - personally I'd leave. However, if you ignore that fact the decision is stay with him and no baby (and don't get pregnant 'accidentally'...that never ends well), or leave and have babies with someone else. Only you can make that decision as it depends on how much of a deal breaker having a baby is for you.

Itsonlymashadow · 05/04/2024 15:47

Someone in their late 30s should be fully aware a 20 year old saying they don’t want children, could change their minds.

I have a 20 year old. Expecting her to never change her mind about major life decisions would be ridiculous. Who says because you feel a certain way at 20 you have to feel like that your whole life?

Stop saying ‘it’s my fault cause I said’, you were 20z He knew this was a possibility. He may have also thought that he did want to have more children. I am 42. I have 2 children. In the last 13 years, since I had ds I have sometimes wanted another and then 6 months later not wanted one.

I also get him not wanting to get married. I wouldn’t marry again either. But the point is that this isn’t what you want from your life. I have no idea whether he lied or changed his mind. Neither does anyone else. But the fact remains he doesn’t want these things.

If he had said 4 years ago ‘no I don’t want more kids’ you would have stayed. Surely, you loved him 4 years ago?

Loving someone doesn’t mean you must be with them. You can love someone and also recognise that you want different things out of life and being together isn’t the right decision for you. That your life won’t include the things you want out of your own life. Giving those things up for him will make you miserable.

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