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Original poster

I want to have a baby my partner doesn’t

57 replies

Needinglifeadvice · 05/04/2024 14:53

Hello

I am looking for some advice. I am 29 and my partner is 46. We met when I was 20 and at that point I thought I would never want children (so I appreciate this is my fault) However, when I was around 26 I started to really want to have my own baby. He told me that he would like to have a baby with me too but why not wait until I was 30 and was more settled in my career, I thought that was a good idea. I will be 30 next month and have a job I love that pays well. I brought up having a baby with him again last week. He said he didn’t want a baby. I understand where he is coming from given the fact that when he met me I agreed to not having children and he also has children with his ex wife and plus he isn’t getting any younger either. He also told me that he doesn’t want to get married again. I know I am being very selfish but I just feel so sad that his ex wife got to experience all of this with him and I won’t. I am so in love with him and can’t imagine my life without him, but I appreciate that I need to respect his wishes, I just wish he had told me he didn’t want a baby 4 years ago. Do I just accept his decision and be grateful that I have a partner that I love or will I regret this in years to come.
P.s I have PCOS and endometriosis, so might not be a possibility.
Thank you so much for reading x

OP posts:
iwafs · 05/04/2024 15:53

He has been stupid at first, and then deceitful.

He should have known that when he got together with you aged 37 (with his life experience), with you being only 20, that there was a decent chance that you would want children as you got older - despite saying you didn't at 20.

Then, when you told him you'd changed your mind aged 26, he should have been honest and said he didn't want more kids. Instead, he tried to put you off for 4 years and hope that you changed your mind back to not wanting kids. This was both deceitful and stupid.

Bottom line, you want kids and marriage. He wants neither. Get rid now. You say you are in love with him, but how can you be in love with someone who tricks you into wasting another 4 years?

Plus, and I'll get flamed for this but don't care, a 37yo man getting together with a 20yo is disgusting. A 17 year age gap is large and probably suitable if both parties are a bit older. But at 20, you were little more than a child and he was approaching 40 and probably wanted to be young and free with you, rather than be a proper parent to his kids and putting their needs first.

Notreat · 05/04/2024 16:04

If you really want a baby then you should leave now while you are still young. Otherwise you may end up resenting him. He has actually strung you along for 4 years. I think he probably thought if you waited until you were 30 you might change your mind.

contentsmayb · 05/04/2024 16:05

Please leave him. I knew a person in a similar position and finally she had the guts to leave. Found a new love soon enough and they have a happy family with babies now. I think the most expensive gift you can give to a person is your time. You have given this man your best years. Don’t give him a day more. He has given you nothing but empty promises.

Ihadenough22 · 05/04/2024 16:05

He was 37 and you were 20 when you met. He had already been married and had kid's.
He is now 46 and has told you he does not want another child as he is not getting any younger. He knew in the past he did not want another child and he could been honest with you then instead he fobbed you off with let's wait till your 30. At his age as well you have a higher chance of having a child with autism and I know several older fathers in this situation.

Along with this he will be retired years before you. Then you could end up as his career down the line. I know a lady who this happened to as her husband was 10 years older than her and she is now in bad health herself. I know another lady of 63 who is working PT to put her child through college. Her husband is 10 years older and he does not want to go anywhere when she is off.

At this stage I would end things with him and tell him that you want different things going forward. I would not give up a chance of having a family for this man. Nor would I be willing to end caring for him either when your still a young woman.
I know that this might not be easy but you need to consider your own life going forward. I know woman who did this and they went on to meet men who wanted kids/marriage.

Ihadenough22 · 05/04/2024 16:05

He was 37 and you were 20 when you met. He had already been married and had kid's.
He is now 46 and has told you he does not want another child as he is not getting any younger. He knew in the past he did not want another child and he could been honest with you then instead he fobbed you off with let's wait till your 30. At his age as well you have a higher chance of having a child with autism and I know several older fathers in this situation.

Along with this he will be retired years before you. Then you could end up as his career down the line. I know a lady who this happened to as her husband was 10 years older than her and she is now in bad health herself. I know another lady of 63 who is working PT to put her child through college. Her husband is 10 years older and he does not want to go anywhere when she is off.

At this stage I would end things with him and tell him that you want different things going forward. I would not give up a chance of having a family for this man. Nor would I be willing to end caring for him either when your still a young woman.
I know that this might not be easy but you need to consider your own life going forward. I know woman who did this and they went on to meet men who wanted kids/marriage.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 05/04/2024 16:05

I would be completely straight with him and stop any longterm hormonal contraception, leave it up to him to prevent pregnancy.

NoCloudsAllowed · 05/04/2024 16:11

Stringing you along abouy kids and refusing to get married is exactly what I'd imagine someone who gets together with a 20yr old at 36 would do.

Age gap relationships can work, but a guy who wants someone barely out of school is often not someone who wants that person to fulfill their life potential. They want someone who they have power over, because they're insecure little shits for the most part.

GraceyDoodles · 05/04/2024 16:13

I feel for you OP, this can not be easy and either way a big decision. You were entitled to change your mind about wanting children, at 20 I don't think you can be sure about how you will feel later in life.
As a new mum last year, it is absolutely the best life experience I have ever had and a love like I've never felt before. Obviously everybody has a different experience, so this is just one pov and I was very lucky fertility wise.
You deserve to live your life to the fullest and to you if that means marriage and children, then I'd be looking in that direction. Flowers

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2024 16:17

He strung you along and robbed you of 4 years you could have been looking for a suitable partner to share parenthood.

you still have time to have a child. The sooner you leave, the more likely it will happen.

Bornnotbourne · 05/04/2024 17:49

One of the things I really admire about my partner is that when he found out I had fertility problems, he told me that we should try to have kids straight away as he didn’t want me to miss my chance.
You need to move on and not let him rob anymore of your fertility, it’s cruel of him to do this to you.

Worried86 · 05/04/2024 18:14

I am so in love with him and can’t imagine my life without him

That’s only natural - you’ve been with him your entire adult life. The big question to me is can you imagine your life without children?

If not, then don’t wait around treading water with him. The only loser in that scenario would be you.

I don’t understand why you judge yourself as selfish for growing up and realising you want a family, but view his change of mind differently. There is a big difference between a 20 year old swept off her feet in a new romance with an older man and a 43 year old in a long-term relationship, as he was when he said he wanted children with you in future. People of any age have the right to change their mind, but they are different situations.

Yes, you do have to respect his wishes. But you also have to respect your own. If you want to have children, you need to end this relationship.

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 18:34

Bornnotbourne · 05/04/2024 17:49

One of the things I really admire about my partner is that when he found out I had fertility problems, he told me that we should try to have kids straight away as he didn’t want me to miss my chance.
You need to move on and not let him rob anymore of your fertility, it’s cruel of him to do this to you.

Awww, yeah my husband had a similar attitude because of my age. I was 35 then, 37 now and baby is due in 4 weeks. 😊

Dacadactyl · 05/04/2024 18:42

What a shit bloke you've got there OP.

Do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

Runnerinthenight · 05/04/2024 18:48

I couldn't forgive the deceit personally. He never had any intention of having a baby with you.

Get rid. He's never going to be on the same page as you.

Orangeandgold · 05/04/2024 20:40

My concern is that he told you to wait a few years. You did and he is saying he doesn’t want children.

Either let him know that it’s what you want and you are not compromising on it - figure out why he changed his kind and remind him that he was all for it for a few years ago. Or leave and find someone else.

PixieTrance89 · 05/04/2024 22:57

Personally I wouldn't stay with him, he has already experienced marriage and children so it's only obvious he doesn't feel the need for it again but I feel he has been unfair and should have told you he didn't want anymore children beforehand, he has a right to not want anymore but that doesn't mean he can expect you to stay with him when you are still young and have the opportunity to find a man who does want them

TupperCare · 06/04/2024 07:41

What your partner did four years ago was very deceitful. Telling you to wait until you’re 30 and now he’s backing out, that is incredibly unfair on you.

I have friends who wanted children and their partners already had them so it was off the cards and there’s a lot of sadness and resentment in their relationships, and probably won’t last much longer.

you need to weigh up the what-ifs. If you leave him and eventually have children with someone else and your what if is ‘what if I’d stayed with him’ if you stay with him and never have children and your what if is ‘what if I’d have had children’ - which one will be more painful? Consider long term too with friends and family having babies and how it’ll make you feel.

rwalker · 06/04/2024 07:44

LolaJ87 · 05/04/2024 15:19

You were 20 when you met, of course you didn't want children right then.

He has strung you along for the past 3/4 years with the expectation you would start trying around you turning 30. He has wasted those years of you having the chance to find someone else who DOES want to marry your and DOES want to build a family with you. I was older having my first but with your conditions, the sooner you start TTC the better.

Please get yourself out before spending any more time on this man. You're not being selfish by wanting what you want and you have been honest with him throughout, which he has not been with you.

He’s changed his mind just like OP has

LizzeyBenett · 06/04/2024 08:10

You both want different things and I dont think it's fair for you to settle for not having a family to be with him or for you to expect him to change his mind and give you a baby he doesn't want to have. Think you might need to accept that you both want different things out of life and the best thing for both of you would be to part ways

Pumpkindoodles · 06/04/2024 11:00

Leave.
he led you on for 4 years.
It’s ok to not want a baby but he should have told you, he’s kept you in the relationship under false pretences, he’s shown a complete lack of love and respect for you and your life plans, and potentially risked your chance at children at all if you have health problems that he’s fully aware of, I couldn’t forgive that kindof selfishness.
he doesn’t want the things you want in life, and he’s not willing to compromise.

SnookyPook · 06/04/2024 13:02

We don't actually know that he's been deceitful, leading OP on or lying etc. He may have been open to the idea of more kids previously but as time has gone on and he is feeling closer to 50 he's realised that bit of his life is over.

The point is, whatever his reasons, original intentions etc, where he is Right Now is on a different page to you @Needinglifeadvice .

Previous posters have said it all really in terms of regrets/decisions for you. Some good things to think about.

I don't want to bash the age-gap relationship as we also don't know much about that and you've clearly been together around a decade but I would say, in terms of weighing up future life options, it is worth considering that the likelihood is that you will have a significant chunk of your later life without him. At that point, it could be quite lonely and you will be past the stage of having the option to have children by then. When you picture yourself in your 60s, or in retirement, what kind of life do you want? Who are the people around you? What is your time filled with?

Of course, it is a gamble and there are no guarantees that you will have children even if you do leave him. Do you think you would feel better for giving yourself that chance? Or can you make peace with a comfortable life with this man you adore? Can that be enough for you?

Personally I would have had to end my relationship if children were taken off the table. When I met my Hubby we did talk about family stuff early on, as he had a daughter already and it was important to me to know if he wanted more children. I can only imagine how mixed and difficult the feelings would have been if he'd said no, as it's hard to meet someone you click with. Thankfully we were on the same page but I still know that, I would have personally needed to explore that opportunity via every avenue possible before giving up on the idea of kids. For you, that decision may be different but only you can know how important it is to you.

Lots of luck.

ginasevern · 06/04/2024 16:19

I don't think anyone could blame your partner for not wanting children at 46. Parenting (and everything) gets harder when you get older. You want to enjoy the latter half of your life, not be surrounded by nappies and screaming. Besides he's been there and done that and men rarely want children in the same way that women do. He shouldn't have lied to you but I suspect he was afraid of losing you.

I'd be more concerned with his refusal to marry to be honest. The baby thing is understandable but why won't he marry you? You are investing in a relationship that gives you no rights should you split up. I'd think very carefully about that.

boonr · 06/04/2024 16:29

I would leave him. I know it's very easy for me to say that mind!

As you are not even 30, you still have time on your side & the opportunity to meet someone new who does what children. Appreciate it might not happen given your endometriosis etc, however you'll never know if you don't try.

It sounds as if he never really wanted them, and just fobbed you off for a few years. Now it's come to the crunch, he's not interested. I can understand not wanting a baby at 46, but it's not fair on you.

LadyoftheRibbons · 22/10/2024 23:51

I side-eye him very much for lying to you and leading you on.

I am afraid that if you want a baby you will have to dump him ASAP and find someone who would be willing to have them with you.

NavigatingAdulthood · 23/10/2024 00:14

Sa11yCinnamon · 05/04/2024 15:02

You're not being selfish, you are completely entitled to change your mind - something he obviously acknowledged when he told you he'd like to have a baby with you too.

It really boils down to what you want more. I've ended a relationship with someone who didn't want marriage or kids because I did, it's really hard because neither of you has done anything wrong. But I knew it was what I had to do. Only you know what matters the most to you.

I would also say, please don't let your PCOS and endometriosis influence your decision here as I know plenty of people who've conceived with one or both - some easily, some needing assistance.

Sending love, it's a horrible position to be in xx

This 🙌🏻🙌🏻

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis & PCOS (lucky trio) and I made it abundantly clear with my partner that my plan was to have children. It was the first thing I mentioned. You are definitely not selfish but it’s almost cruel, as if he’s stringing you along which is sad. It’s like baiting almost. However, he can’t expect you to give up your wishes because someone else may want to live out those experiences with you instead. I hope everything works out for you ☺️