This journey is mentally draining

[Rockyslife]

After three years of desperation of wanting a baby of our own we finally caught last Nov just before IVF was about to commence, we sadly lost baby number 1 in January and it absolutely destroyed me, mainly mentally and if anything it really scared me. To our amazement we caught again in our Feb cycle and I am currently 7 weeks 3 day's, whilst I am over the moon, I am also really struggling, the first few weeks have been a stress but I started to calm down slightly when I got to further that I did the last time with no bleeding, until Saturday when I started spotting brown again. I absolutely lost my head, I was uncontrollable, didn't sleep, couldn't stop crying, I couldn't get out of my head that spotting just means miscarriage to me, even though it isn't always the case this is what is imprinted in my brain. I managed to get an emergency scan the next day, I had convinced myself that our baby had died and would soon be miscarrying, when we went to our scan something came out of me which was absolutely terrifying, brown stringy stuff that looked like fleshy. I showed the nurse and she just looked at me with a face of sadness. When I had the scan to my amazement there was a baby and a heart beat, me and my husband had convinced ourselves it would be bad news. The whole point of this message is I am struggling, I feel like I have PTSD in a way from the loss in jan and I am not ready mentally to experience it again so soon, and I am absolutely petrified. They've prescribed me some progesterone and I have another scan booked for Fri 12th which I am hopeful and praying that my body can get me there, all I have is hope

Oh @Rockyslife this sounds so so tough. I am a similar stage of pregnancy as you and lost a baby in October. Honestly it’s still so soon after your loss, I’m not surprised you’re struggling - at this stage I was a mess. So I think it’s very normal to feel the way you do and be kind to yourself. All I can say is that it does get easier with time.

Things which helped me (both after my loss and when I found out I was pregnant again): setting a bit of time (say 10mins or so) aside each day to feel sad, scared, or even happy - whatever it was, I just focused on how I was feeling and let it happen, but limited it. Counselling with a fertility/miscarriage specialist if you can afford it. And thinking two things over to myself: there is no reason why this pregnancy won’t work out, the stats are on your side; and the decision is already made as to what happens with this pregnancy, it’s out of my control and if the worst happens, I know I will cope, because I have done before.

I don’t know if any of that is any help at all, but please know you’re not alone and this is really hard. Loss is hard. Pregnancy after loss is hard. I’m keeping everything crossed for you that this works out

@HerbaceousPerennial Good morning, thank you so much for your words, I have just read this out to my husband and you have really helped, even just by reading and responding to me. It's good to not feel alone, and your words are true and to the point and I need to try and accept that, it's either going to be ok or it isn't, and I guess I have to deal with either one of those. Xx

@Rockyslife pregnancy after loss is super hard, and I can only imagine how that is compounded further by having had such a tough road to get to that BFP in the first place.

I had 3 losses last year and then caught by surprise with my current pregnancy - 21wks today! It has been an anxious road and I still have my moments but it is beginning to feel more real.

I agree with @HerbaceousPerennial strategies above. I just had to focus on reminding myself it was a different pregnancy and could very well have a different outcome. It did also help in a weird way to accept that fate was already written in the stars. When the egg implanted, the wheels were already set in motion. And if the worst were to happen, I would deal with it as and when it did. One thing I find really helpful is keeping a journal. I can write down all my worries, random thoughts and also celebrate the wins in there. I have done it for every pregnancy (this is my 5th - my first resulted in my DS who is now 3). Having that record of the ones I lost has also been lovely in a poignant way, as it makes them feel more real and I am glad I celebrated them while they were here.

In my current pregnancy I had spotting at 8 and 11wks and felt that dread you describe each time. I then had a bigger bleed with some small clots at 14wks and again was convinced it was all over... But here I am. It IS possible to have a different outcome. Sending you lots of love and best wishes. Also, there are a couple of lovely threads for pregnancy after loss on here with other Mammas who get it. Do feel free to join. 💕 Xx

P.S. come say hi here if you'd like - it's a lovely supportive thread. X

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy/5016264-pregnancy-after-loss-support