FTM trying to exclusively breastfeed

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi,

I’m a FTM and my baby girl will be 4 weeks on Saturday. I had a c-section delivery and my milk came in late so I’ve been struggling to exclusively breastfeed and have had to supplement with formula since birth.

I decided to stay with my parents post birth because I live in other city with my husband and we have no family there. Initially I planned to just stay for a few days post birth but with the c-section we decided to stay for the 6 week recovery period and my parents have been wonderful support. The only thing we clash on is feeding and I have a dilemma.

My mother is well meaning but she believes that a well fed baby is a baby that sleeps a long time and because I’ve been supplementing with formula she has noticed that when I breastfeed alone baby cluster feeds or wakes up after an hour or two for a feed, but with formula she can easily sleep for 3/4 hours. I know that because breast milk is digested more easily and have tried to explain this to her but she’s adamant that formula is best. She even said that breastfeeding is unnecessarily tiring the baby out because she’s using more muscles to suck and not getting enough milk and that I should just give up and give only formula.

This week I have consciously tried to breastfeed and express more often to try and increase my supply and have reduced how much formula I have which has resulted in shorter sleep and more cluster feeding and this has frustrated my mum to the point where we’ve argued and I’ve asked her to just respect my decision and leave me be.

Like I said I get a lot of support from my parents while I’m here and my husband is back at work so I’m grateful. It’s particularly appreciated in the morning after a long (often restless) night when I can hand over the baby with a bottle of expressed milk and go back to sleep for a couple of hours. But today I woke up to witness something that truly horrified me and I was heartbroken. I handed over my daughter to my mother as I normally do and had a quick shower before getting really for a short nap. As I went to get a glass of water I witnessed my mum pouring the milk I expressed for the baby down the kitchen sink and making a bottle of formula instead. I confronted her and asked her why she did that and she said she always does that because the breastmilk is a waste on the baby. I broke down and cried because it takes so much energy for me to express milk with the low supply I have and I know how precious that milk is.

This has really crossed the line and I don’t know what to do. My husband advised that I speak to my mum and set boundaries for the remaining two weeks I’m with them but I really just want to leave. Despite the post- section support, it has been really stressful and I just can’t get past what she has done. I don’t know what to do. Should I try and talk to her once again or should I leave and just go back home even though I’m not fully recovered yet?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Just go home. You're an adult and can feed your baby in whatever way you'd like, if that isn't being respected it's time to leave.

I feel very upset for you! That isn't support... just leave. You will be totally ok on your own and I can't see how you can get over this total breakdown of trust without some time and distance. This time should be special and this is your baby, not your mums. Bf in the early days is a lot, but babies need to feed often to improve supply. Good luck!!

Wow that’s quite an extreme reaction from your mum. I’d leave at this point and explain why to her.

At the same time, when you get home, please don’t sacrifice your wellbeing for breastfeeding. Pumping is double the work. Many women combi feed.

That’s a really horrible thing for your mum to do. I would cry too, pumping and feeding is so much effort I can’t believe she did that. That’s really upsetting!

If you still feel like you really need the help because you’re not ready to be on your own/ haven’t quite healed yet then you will have to talk to her again and really set boundaries but if you can manage back at home on your own just go because you don’t need the upset.

I remember the sheer effort it took to express even a tiny amount of milk. I would have been heartbroken to see it thrown away. I had a full on sob when I didn't secure the lid properly and a dribble of milk was wasted.

I am just so sorry for you.

Oh OP, this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN. I remember those early days of trying to get breastfeeding established, and the physical, emotional and mental toll of expressing on top of all the hormones and sleep deprivation. I cried after I accidentally knocked over and spilled a bottle of expressed milk - I can't imagine how devastated I would be if someone had poured it away on purpose. I'm so sorry.
I think in your situation the trust would be gone for me, and I would need some time away from my mum to process that.
You say she is well-meaning and wants to be supportive, so I would definitely factor that into how you approach it with her, but don't let it just be swept under the carpet.
You can be hugely appreciative for the support she has given, and recognise her good intentions, and simultaneously feel betrayed about this particular issue.
What's your relationship like in general?

You’re 4 weeks postpartum. What post c section support do you still need? I suspect very little and therefore I think you should go home. Go home and regain some control over your child.

Go home. You can do it all yourself, it’s nice that they helped you but some of that was not helpful.

get back to your own space and enjoy your baby.

Thank you all. I’ve had a few complications post section so haven’t fully healed as my scar opened over a week and a half and I needed to go back to hospital to have it re-stitched. I am feeling better in myself but feel a bit nervous about being home alone to carry out every day tasks while my husband is at work although to be honest I haven’t pushed myself for fear of injuring my scar so I could maybe do these tasks if I tried. That’s partly the reason I am considering staying and waiting but also because I don’t want to leave my mum on bad terms because before this our relationship was wonderful. The trust has really been damaged though and I don’t feel comfortable handing over my baby in the morning to rest now so perhaps that is a sign that I shouldn’t stay.

@MariaVT65 I’m pumping and feeding to try and increase my supply but once I can stop supplementing with formula I can reduce pumping. I’m not too fussed about storing milk, I just want to make sure I have enough to feed her without anything supplementing it.

I know it may seem daunting but I think you need to go home. If your mum will decide how your baby is fed behind your back, explicitly ignoring your wishes she won't all of a sudden start being reasonable.

Even if you have to take it easy that's fine- you can have easy meals at hand for when your husband is at work and he can tackle any housework when he's home/ at the weekend that you can't manage. I spend the majority of my early maternity leave on the settee watching box sets.

You’ve had a rough time of things, haven’t you?

Get home. Lower your standards, I mean, REALLY low. Rest.

concentrate on feeding your baby - so eat and drink what’s easy, don’t be rushing to get dressed and do housework. Get on the settee, get some films, cuddle your baby, make it your job to rest, bond and feed. Sounds like you are doing a great job, TBH

Yes i get that. My point is that it can take a long time to build up to a full supply, and you may need to cut yourself some slack if you now need to move back home with less support and sleep etc.

I'm so sorry to read this, she has overstepped the line massively and what an outrageous thing for her to do. More concerning is that she is ignoring your wishes about your baby. Doesn't bode well for her 'helping' with your baby in the coming years and I'd go absolutely nuclear on her to lay the law down now. As pp have said, I'd get yourself home, see if dp can have some time at home to muck in for a few days and just focus on healing and feeding. Best of luck to you x

You need to go home.

if you aren’t feeling healed, your husband can help get you set up for the day before he leaves for work. Just focus on you and the baby and ignore everything else.

You're doing great OP the early days of breastfeeding are hard. There are threads on this site almost daily about mothers or MILs trying to force formula feeding. Honestly it seems like they might be bitter about their own experiences at being encouraged to FF and missing out on BF, is that the case with your mother? Either way I'd probably go home now. It isn't cruel to let baby cluster feed- baby is increasing your supply and its true that by 3 months EBF becomes much easier than FF if you want to get there. FF is fine too but it's your choice as you are mum.

I would echo what the others here have said and suggest you go home, but also recognise what you’ve said about not wanting to leave things on a bad note.

Is it possible for you to talk to your mum, say you’re really grateful for the support but you want to start getting back into your own routine so you’ll be leaving in a couple of days. That way you’re not running off and leaving things badly, and you could ask if she wouldn’t mind spending the next day or so batch cooking some meals that you could use when you get home? That way you’re still showing your gratitude (and that genuinely would be helpful for you) but you also only have to get through a couple more days. It’s up to you if you want to explain that the feeding has been a big part of your decision making.

That’s absolutely disgusting behaviour from your DM. I think you should leave. You can repair the relationship later. Your DH can do the cleaning and cooking etc.

In the kindest way OP just go home immediately, it's also the only way to really show your mother how much she has overstepped the line.
Cannot actually believe a mum would do that to their daughter.
I EBF after an emergency section and 2 day labour , my husband was back working away 2 weeks after she was born and I'd lost my mum suddenly at 35 weeks pregnant. So I was babysitting my dad cleaning his house getting his shopping etc and mine. Yes my scar kept re opening I just got more antibiotics you just push through.

Throwing away your expressed milk is a terrible thing to do, I could understand giving formula as well but don't really understand why she would throw your milk away - it's the same effort for baby to drink formula or expressed milk from a bottle!

I'm afraid I wouldn't be trusting your Mum after that, I think you need to go home. Reduce your expectations of what needs to be done in the house - have what you need for the day (food, nappy changing stuff) accessible before DH goes to work, one of you (probably DH) clear up in the evening when he's back.

I'd be going home today. Partly because it doesn't actually sound like you're in a supportive environment - if you've not had much sleep because you've been feeding a baby, the last thing you need is to be told you're doing it wrong. And partly because I'd be making a clear stance that parenting decisions are up to you (and your DH) and it's not your mother's place to overrule them. I doubt this will stop at breastfeeding, and she'll be overruling you on other things as your baby grows.

I am horrified at this.

My mother wasn’t supportive of me breastfeeding but she would never have done something like this.

Your mum has behaved despicably. How dare she.

I would be getting out of there ASAP and I would be making it very clear to her why I was leaving.

She has absolutely no right to be saying those things to you or making any kind of feeding decisions for your baby.

I’m so, so angry on your behalf.

Your mum has acted in an awful way and I’d be so disappointed and angry. Maybe sticking with disappointment would be better than anger for now. I would tell her that you do appreciate the support but that her undermining something you feel strongly about (BFing) is not acceptable and she has broken your trust for now. Your baby is not hers and she is not responsible for making decisions such as how baby is fed and yet she has chosen to override your decision for her own benefit. There are clear and well documented reasons that breast milk is better than formula- though formula is acceptable as an alternative should BM not be available. But BM WAS available and she chose to waste it and give a lesser product to her grandchild??? That’s like having cooked a roast for your family and your mum sending out for takeaway and chucking your roast in the bin!!

You’ve had a supported start to life as a new mum, but now you can do it without her. It will be hard at times but new mum life is… but you can do it!! And you can EBF if you keep on as you are… in fact being at home and not having baby taken off you may well help… spend the day topless with skin to skin and cluster feeding etc. Lower your standards for life though too… looking after and BFing a newborn is a full time job in the early days!!!

Your mum has pretty much stolen from you , by pouring your milk away, and betrayed your trust. She's already done the damage.

You went there for support, not interference.

I can’t believe she would just throw it away like that. Wow.

Just echoing all the other points, particularly stealth - go home and lower your standards, do nothing but feed your baby and look after yourself. Breastfeeding is so tough in those early days but you’re not far off it all clicking.

I think sometimes you really need to put your foot down and make your boundaries and expectations crystal clear. In your case that would be stating that this is your baby, you make the decisions, you want to breastfeed as far as possible, if she or anyone else is given a bottle of breast milk than that is what is to be fed. End of. By throwing your milk away she has really hurt you, she is not in charge, she does not get to make the decisions, you appreciate the support she has given but this is your line in the sand, she can either accept it, apologise and you can all move on positively or she can not. If you let her get away with this, what will she think she has final say over next?

I do think you need to go home OP, relax your expectations of what you need to do while you are there, the house doesn't need to be spotless, jobs can wait while you heal up, your husband can and should be pitching in while you are in this newborn stage and trying to establish breastfeeding. It's scary but honestly it will be fine.