FTM trying to exclusively breastfeed

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi,

I’m a FTM and my baby girl will be 4 weeks on Saturday. I had a c-section delivery and my milk came in late so I’ve been struggling to exclusively breastfeed and have had to supplement with formula since birth.

I decided to stay with my parents post birth because I live in other city with my husband and we have no family there. Initially I planned to just stay for a few days post birth but with the c-section we decided to stay for the 6 week recovery period and my parents have been wonderful support. The only thing we clash on is feeding and I have a dilemma.

My mother is well meaning but she believes that a well fed baby is a baby that sleeps a long time and because I’ve been supplementing with formula she has noticed that when I breastfeed alone baby cluster feeds or wakes up after an hour or two for a feed, but with formula she can easily sleep for 3/4 hours. I know that because breast milk is digested more easily and have tried to explain this to her but she’s adamant that formula is best. She even said that breastfeeding is unnecessarily tiring the baby out because she’s using more muscles to suck and not getting enough milk and that I should just give up and give only formula.

This week I have consciously tried to breastfeed and express more often to try and increase my supply and have reduced how much formula I have which has resulted in shorter sleep and more cluster feeding and this has frustrated my mum to the point where we’ve argued and I’ve asked her to just respect my decision and leave me be.

Like I said I get a lot of support from my parents while I’m here and my husband is back at work so I’m grateful. It’s particularly appreciated in the morning after a long (often restless) night when I can hand over the baby with a bottle of expressed milk and go back to sleep for a couple of hours. But today I woke up to witness something that truly horrified me and I was heartbroken. I handed over my daughter to my mother as I normally do and had a quick shower before getting really for a short nap. As I went to get a glass of water I witnessed my mum pouring the milk I expressed for the baby down the kitchen sink and making a bottle of formula instead. I confronted her and asked her why she did that and she said she always does that because the breastmilk is a waste on the baby. I broke down and cried because it takes so much energy for me to express milk with the low supply I have and I know how precious that milk is.

This has really crossed the line and I don’t know what to do. My husband advised that I speak to my mum and set boundaries for the remaining two weeks I’m with them but I really just want to leave. Despite the post- section support, it has been really stressful and I just can’t get past what she has done. I don’t know what to do. Should I try and talk to her once again or should I leave and just go back home even though I’m not fully recovered yet?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Op, go home. This is so awful, it's beyond putting in a few boundaries now. She didn't do it once, she's been doing it daily. She's not trying to help your baby sleep for you, it's for her, and she is deliberately sabotaging you by throwing away milk that not only did you work hard to produce but that is the optimal food for your baby. I actually think that's vicious. I'm not sure why any mother would do this to her daughter but it doesn't really matter. You will be fine. A week on the sofa binging Netflix with snacks and ready meals will be GOOD for you. Screw the housework.

Can I just add that she will likely be affecting your supply, and that the act of suckling is a good use of energy at this stage, as well as being an important part of baby's development. So she's talking rubbish as well as being spiteful.

”She said she always does that” - throws your expressed milk away!
so she’s been doing that for 4 weeks whilst you’ve been stressing and struggling to express your milk?!
That’s just wicked!
I think I’d also be questioning your ‘wonderful’ relationship too - maybe it’s just been because you haven’t challenged any of her behaviour before.

OP, I've had 2 CSs. My DH and DM thought it would be best if DM came to stay with us after my first until 6 weeks postpartum. Looking back I really regret it. DM meant well but was too excited to be of any real help, hovered over me and made me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Second time I did without and was much happier. You can do this.

I'm so sorry you found your DM threw away your precious milk. I remember well how I didn't like to waste a single drop (in fact I duped by 3 year old into drinking a bottle of unwanted expressed milk on our first holiday - we were leaving, the baby didn't want it and I wasn't willing to throw it away!) Don't hide how utterly distraught you are to your parents. They need to know how much they overstepped the mark and how it is having a massive, negative impact on you. I rather expect they are caught up in the new GC bubble and not actually seeing how you and your baby are a single unit, and their place is one removed. I suspect it is difficult for new GPs to take that step back, but hopefully this will be a steep learning curve for them and you can move on once you are home.

Go home now. You'll be grand.

Thats horrendous, I hated expressing with a passion, it made me feel like a cow and if someone had been tipping that out for a month I'm not sure I'd speak to them again. All of that nutrition and antibodies down the drain literally.

Yes breastfeeding works the babies jaw, that's why breastfed children often talk earlier because they have muscles that are differently developed, they also get less ear infections. Yes breastfed babies wake more often, they are supposed to, breastfeeding mother get less but higher quality sleep than non-breastfeeding mothers as you go into a deep sleep cycle quicker. Plenty of research on all of these things.

Go home, stop expressing, it is never as effective as baby directly feeding from you. Put your feet up and just spend your days reading, watching TV, feeding baby and sleeping. Chores can be done later, even a cleaner for a couple of weeks wouldn't cost that much

Get yourself home and just concentrate on looking after yourself and feeding your little one. Sounds like you are doing amazingly well but stress from your Mum could affect establishing BF.
Sort your relationship out with your Mum later, when YOU feel ready. She is out of order but you need to focus on what is right for you and baby.

Seeing your milk be poured away must have been heartbreaking. Reading your post took me by such surprise and the memories of spilling just 30ml by accident all come flooding back. I was in floods of tears so can I lay imagine how hard it must have been.

As others have said, go home. Don't do housework, lean on DH and find your way as new parents together as a family of 3.

Setting boundaries now will make things easier on the long run.

As others have also said, pumping is never as effective as a good latch and cluster feeding (although exhausting) has a purpose. The more baby feeds from you, the more milk you produce. Try to always feed between 2-4am, all the milk making hormones are highest at this time. I found a hakka helped my supply too, but be wary of using too much as they can cause oversupply and a faster letdown than baby can keep up with. I've heard breast cups are great too.

There are sometimes local BF support groups (run by the NHS in my area) so see if you can find one of those too. They often have Facebook groups if you aren't up to getting there in person yet.

Best of luck, and I'm sure you'll find your way together.

OP, I am going through the exact same think now re milk supply and mixed feeding. My baby is 2 weeks old today. Please go home.
You got this.

As an aside OP, I think you would really benefit from seeking out some advice and support from an IBCLC regarding your breastfeeding and building your supply.

As a typical rule, unless effective feeding and a good milk supply has been established in the first two weeks after birth it may be challenging to ever be able to produce enough milk to exclusively breast feed due to the cell death of the lactocytes (the cells that make the milk).

An IBCLC can guide you on when to express (usually required after every breast feed if trying to boost supply), the use of breast compressions during feeding, breast massage, power pumping, hand expressing, hands-on pumping as well as alternative supplementation suggestions, like the use of a supplementary nursing system instead of a bottle, as this can also help boost your supply.

Although building up a good supply at 4 weeks of age can be challenging for some women, that’s certainly not to say it can’t be done, but receiving professional advice and guidance, and an individual plan of care as to how to achieve your goal may help you and make you feel more supported.

Please don’t let your mother destroy your confidence. I’m really sorry she has done this to you.

The best of luck going forwards and I’m sure it all will work out just as you want it 💐

I’m so sorry your mum did this. It would have been so important in those early weeks for your milk supply for your baby to feed whenever they were hungry. If your mum has been supplementing with formula without your knowledge then baby may have slept through times when they normally would have fed and put their order in to your boobs to make even more milk. She’s sabotaged your feeding journey. I had a C-section with one of my babies and EBF was one of the main things that helped me mentally. I would really struggle to forgive this. How dare she !

please go home. You can’t trust your mum to follow any of the parenting rules you have if she thinks she knows better. She will do it again.

Snuggle on your sofa with your baby, lots of skin to skin and offering boob. Maybe try and get some feeding support. Wishing you all the best with the rest of your feeding journey. Xx

That was a truly callous and ignorant thing for your mum to do - I'm so sorry you're having to experience this! What a stress to add on top of having just had a baby.

As you will know, you mum is severely misinformed about breastfeeding. The comments about breastmilk being "wasted" on the baby?? Or that it's too much effort for the baby?? It contributes to jaw development and frequent feeding also helps build supply.

She seems to have very strong feelings against breastfeeding for some reason as well - did she have breastfeeding struggles of her own maybe, that she hasn't dealt with emotionally? Not that it really matters in this situation though.

I agree with previous posters - don't be afraid to set boundaries with your mum. If she's like this at this point, who knows what she'll be like at other stages with your child. She is really, REALLY overstepping.

Good luck to you 💐

What tasks do you have? You need to eat (can dh prepare or buy some meals for the microwave for you? And some healthy snacks you can just grab?) you need to go the toilet and you need to change your baby’s nappy and breast feed. There are no other tasks. Non of these should damage your scar.

i understand about not leaving it on a bad note, I think you can just say thank you so much for having us, I appreciate the support you’ve given me. I understand that the baby being awake through the night isn’t pleasant for anyone and maybe that’s why you think formula is best, but I need to learn to parent on my own now I think. Then go home. That acknowledges what they’ve done and is generous about her actions rather than critical. But You can’t trust her and she’s not supporting you, she’s taken the support she’s giving as a sign that she is Co parenting and free to make decisions, and you now know she won’t listen to you in the future. She’s done some serious long term damage, at least if you leave you can do so politely before things escalate more or your confidence is knocked more. And at least you’re politely making it clear that you are in charge not her.