How to stop catastrophosing older pregnancy

[Sheepsheeps]

Hi everyone,

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and am absolutely terrified something is going to go wrong. It's got me so worried I haven't told a single family member or friend yet through fear of jinxing it.
I'm in my early 40s and this is my first pregnancy and all I seem to read and hear about are things going wrong. It's made me absolutely terrified.
This is an IVF pregnancy so apparently that makes me even more high risk of complications such as placental failure in the later stages.
This hasn't been helped by the fact that I'm now consultant lead as I'm classed as 'high risk' because of my age, a low lying placenta and it being IVF.
I've been told to be prepared for a c-section regardless as it's likely despite no real complications so far.
I just don't feel as though I'm being allowed to enjoy my pregnancy as it just seems doomed from start to finish.
Please only positive stories to help me feel a little better about being old, high risk and past my prime 🙈🙈

Stop reading stuff? You don't just come across this stuff unless you are looking for it (google, mumsnet, etc).

The statistics are what they, no one can change that.
You can stop reading them however.
I’ve no idea what the stats are but let’s say, for example, 10% of mothers over the age of 40 have complications. That leaves another 90% who don’t. Try and think of yourself as the 90 rather than the 10.

You can't change the statistics but Anecdotally, I fell pregnant with my first at 40 and my second at 41. Both straight forward pregnancies and labours. Both kids fine and no issues with meeting milestones. I'm knackered but I defy anyone with 2 kids under 3 not be a bit frayed around the edges.

I think you're right.....
Because this is my first I am a little obsessed with reading about pregnancy etc and am trying to stick to positive threads but then somewhere in the mix someone will always share their negative story of disaster which is making me panic!

I felt like that all the way through pregnancy and childbirth, and even after baby was born safely I thought something awful would happen soon, but pleased to report they're still alive and well age 3. I think it was the hormones that did it to me. Know it's not rational and the fact you are feeling a doomy kind of feeling doesn't mean that anything will actually go wrong.

That is a good way of looking at it thank you.
I think since meeting with the world's most grumpy and negative consultant last week, it's put me on edge. He almost rolled his eyes at 'oh no, not another 40+ mum....'

That's great to hear! Congratulations on your healthy pregnancies 😊

I had my first at 42 I was consultancy led but I found that very reassuring and had a couple of issues which due to my care were sorted. In the end I had a section as I was induced but it didn't work but I felt very looked after and actually found the section to be fine as I got to meet my dd in very calm way. All those in the room with me were amazing .. don't see the additional care as a worry it's all for the good of you and your baby .. enjoy your pregnancy ..

Congratulations OP. Good luck.

I conceived naturally at 44+5 on one ovary & tube. Bit of a shock having been told it was most unlikely to ever happen, but eventually a nice surprise.

I had a problem free pregnancy, wasn't sick once.

Went into labour naturally at 40+4 and DS arrived pink and wriggling at 40+6. Bit of a slow labour and I needed some help right at the end.

So baby safely arrived, perfectly healthy when I was 45+2. He's 15 now, taller than me. No issues. The love of my life 😊

@Sheepsheeps . I just read your post, and whereas I can't relate directly I wanted to send you my best wishes and positive thoughts. For different reasons to yours my pregnancy (only 8weeks, first pregnancy) is high risk, I'm about to be 37 and have put off having children for a long time because of background medical risks and the possibility that medication I need to take can cause birth defects. I can relate to the feeling of not being able to enjoy the pregnancy, and the fear of telling other people in case something goes wrong, especially as it is still so early for me anyway. It makes you feel rather lonely, doesn't it.

Is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling, do you have a supportive partner? If not, would you consider telling your GP how you feel? It sounds like you are very anxious indeed and suffering.

I totally empathise that it is hard to distract yourself from the idea of risk and statistics, especially when you have a high risk pregnancy as it feels like you are never that far away from another medical appointment!

You sound strong to be going through all you are. I hope things get better, and that your pregnancy progresses well and brings you joy. Anecdotally, my personal trainer is in her early 40s and after many years of setbacks is pregnant with her first child through IVF now at 30 weeks.

Take care.

Well, tell him to fuck off (inwardly if not verbally), or suggest he modifies his manner with patients. You're not obliged to accept his vision of you as a potentially disastrous medical problem, or a symptom of ageing maternity demographics or whatever.

And stop looking for stuff on the internet. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. I was just shy of 40 when I had DS, and had a perfectly straightforward pregnancy, a CS (unrelated to my age -- he had got tangled up in the cord and never engaged fully), and he was a beautiful, healthy 8.5 pounder.

All the worrying in the world isn’t going to change any potential outcome.

Can you set yourself little short bursts of time every day, or maybe multiple times a day, where you do nothing except spend the time connecting with your bump? Perhaps 30 mins at a time; with some massage oil to rub into your tummy, thinking positively about your body and it’s ability to grow and sustain a healthy pregnancy and baby, and then think about your lovely baby, how perfect they’re going to be, how much you’ll love them, how they’ll be so strong and healthy, etc - and over time hopefully you can turn that internal anxious voice into a positive one that has confidence that everything will be okay?

I was 41, nearly 42, when my last baby arrived. DH was late 40s, which adds to the miscarriage risk, and I had a no morning sickness pregancy (whilst prev. preg.s I'd had morning sickness) and that's associated with higher risk of miscarraige too.

I got to a point where I could either believe I had a 40+% risk of miscarraige, so so was essentially tossing a coin heads or tails every day to see if baby made it through another day, or I could function and get on with my lifeand if we got baby, brilliant, but if we didn't, we didn't. I couldn't keep living on my nerves.

You'll be fine. Baby will be fine. Deep breath and focus on supporting you - food, exercise etc.

My "high miscarriage risk" baby is 5 and takes no sh*t off anyone. She's ace, but no-one was going to tell that child they weren't coming. You'll get one too. Just keep focusing on your wellbeing. And congratulations to you.

Congratulations I had my ds at 42 whilst I had an awful pregnancy awful hg I n at out of hospital most of my pregnancy , I had a straight forward labour and birth . My ds is a healthy 7 year old now. 2 off my friends also had babies the same age as me and everyone had no issues

I was consultant led but for no real reasons that were related to my case as an actual individual. I had a healthy homebirth as I was keen to avoid the typical cycle of interventions. I didn't tell anyone till after 20 weeks. I'd actually like to wait longer this time, but it's almost impossible unless I took several months holiday and people would be shirty about it.

Of course, be aware of risks, but listen to your body and do things around your actual pregnancy, not hypotheticals.

So I had ds at 40. There are 2 big hospitals where we live. I went to one nearest my house. Some of the junior drs carried on as though I would never get a healthy baby.

Turned up for a scan one day that had been cancelled but nobody told me - so the consultant did the scan.

Had a really good chat with him & he told me if I'd gone to the other hospital nobody would've batted an eyelid as many older professional mums (most went there as city centre so easier for work/appts etc) but this one tended to have mostly younger mums due to local demographics.

I had a very healthy pregnancy and a very happy healthy ds, now 11.

Good luck with everything op x

DD wasn’t IVF, but was first (only) pregnancy in my 40’s. I was terrified throughout but had a lovely easy pregnancy (diet controlled GD was my only issue) and a straightforward vaginal birth. Was meant to be induced but that went wrong and whilst waiting for the consultant to decide on a section I had a spontaneous short labour.

It’s normal to be worried @Sheepsheeps
But it will probably all be fine.

Sending you lots of love.
I can completely relate to what your going through. I'm 21 weeks from an ivf pregnancy and I'm 38.
I've been absolutely terrified every step of the way x

I was 20 years younger than you having my first and had a complicated pregnancy and birth so it's not always age related.

Just relax, don't read the stats.

Yes, also feeling the stress of being an older mum. This is my 5th child at the age of 43 (27 weeks tomorrow), but this pregnancy has been the only stressful one just because I have been reading about the risks and given medication for ‘medium risk’ (older mum, ethnic background = aspirin).

However, I know what you mean about the feeling of dread. I have been dragging my feet about buying things because I am scared something will go wrong (even now) and it would be too sad.

The only thing that has made me feel a little better has been the (final) end of the relentless morning sickness at 18 weeks, and now feeling the baby move from 19/20 weeks. It is so lovely to feel her move and know she is active and ok. Also, the second scan at 20 weeks was great, and we found out it was a girl and she was ok, that might be a comfort to you too.

I think I will also follow the advice given and stop looking at the figures - it is so stressful!

Good luck.

Congratulations! I'm 42 and I'm sitting feeding my IVF baby after a very straightforward pregnancy. I was expecting lots of complications and intervention. Due to my age I was put on blood thinners late in pregnancy and had a glucose test but there was nothing else out of the ordinary. After reading on lots of forums about older IVF mothers I was expecting my consultant to want to induce early or do an early section but he said while he wouldn't want me going much past 40 weeks, he would only come up with a plan if I hadn't gone naturally by then. Like a previous poster said, people don't post about boring or positive stories so you read the worst. Best of luck with it all.

Another positive anecdote to encourage you OP. I had my daughter at 42, my only child and loved and adored from the moment we met. My pregnancy was trouble-free and the labour 14 hours, with an epidural and forceps delivery. The 'aging prima gravida, high risk' attitude of the medics early in the pregnancy irritated and worried me as I had had a miscarriage the year before getting pregnant with DD. The irritation came from the feeling that the starting point for my care was risk based on data, rather than me as an individual. No-one asked me and DP what we would do if an amniocentesis indicated Downs (I declined an amniocentesis because of the miscarriage risk; had we had the amniocentesis and Downs been indicated, we would have gone ahead with the pregnancy). The option of a nuchal measuring scan, which I had to go private for, was mentioned almost as an afterthought.

Two things changed my attitude to a positive one. First, I paid for a nuchal measuring scan, which changed the Downs syndrome risk from 1/49 based on maternal age to 1/690 based on foetal measurements. Second, at six months, I had to sit for a couple of hours drinking a vile orange liquid to test for diabetes. All the other pregnant women there that morning were teenagers/in their 20s, very overweight and smoking. I told myself that I refused to believe I or my baby were more at risk than them as I had never been overweight and was an ex-smoker.

At 17 weeks, your pregnancy is established. Would it help you to think about the life growing inside you as a way of steering you away from understandably anxious thoughts?

Congrats OP!

Im almost 41 and had my first baby in January. I was on aspirin and given extra scans and obstetrics appointments due to my age but my pregnancy was problem free and I delivered a healthy baby girl.

I understand anxiety but hope these positive stories being shared will help you. Wishing you all the best.

Hi there
I can totally understand, I was a little anxious throughout my pregnancy (I conceived at 40). What worked for me was deliberately ignoring any sites or threads about pregnancy (other than things that would help me and baby) as I knew it would make me more anxious (was pregnant through the pandemic too). I just took one day at a time. Course this might not work for everyone but it really helped me x

Thank you to everyone who has commented so far. Your positive stories really have helped to boost my confidence.
I think I've been put under so much negativity right from the start that i almost feel conditioned to think this way.
My husband and I were only given a 5% chance of success right from the start. We have proved them wrong so far about our baby being being 95% likely to be genetically abnormal and we're told to use donor eggs which I refused. Our NIPT scan and blood test came back as 1:10,000 chance of an abnormalities which we were absolutely over the moon about!!
Please keep the success stories flowing; I'm really enjoying reading them xx