SiL STRIKES AGAIN

[KD1988UK]

The past week I have been admitted to hospital for the second time in this pregnancy (now 6 months). I have been provisionally diagnosed with a chronic condition which has been exacerbated by the pregnancy. I was admitted on Monday literally days after he returned from being abroad for work for a week.

Due to the condition I am now under consultant care with multiple hospital appointments for the duration of the pregnancy, and one will include a discussion of what it could mean for the pregnancy and labour. Whilst all this is happening he has to travel for work due to industry he is in and I understand that.

I was discharged today and his sister has text him this evening in telling him to “step up” in helping their mum who is going through some things at the moment.

Firstly, I feel like it is incredibly inappropriate to say that to him when his pregnant wife has been in hospital all week and now has been diagnosed with a chronic condition. Secondly, she is always treating him like he has no emotions and never recognises that he has other responsibilities and can also be affected by events.

I just cannot get over the audacity of this woman. My mother in law is lovely but my sister in law is an absolute nightmare.

My husband’s approach is to just ignore her but I struggle with how brazen she always is in trying to make him feel like he is being selfish when he is doing his best. He is trying to do his job whilst supporting his pregnant wife in hospital.

Anyone dealing with a sister in law like this?

Gosh, she sounds very inflexible.

However, does your husband usually do his fair share when it comes to his mum? I ask as many men notoriously leave caring for their elderly up to their womenfolk while they pursue their careers or focus on their wives and kids. Women, on the other hand, are meant to juggle it all.

So I wonder if this is a historical issue and she is fed up or if he's normally very good at contributing with his mum, but obviously has a lot on his plate at the moment.

Hmm you do see a lot of threads on here of women frustrated that their (usually male) sibling isn't pulling their weight with caring for parents. Obviously we don't know the full story but I do think you should consider your SIL's point of view. She presumably also has other responsibilities? You've hopefully got another 3 months until your baby is here. After that of course you and your partner will be very busy with a newborn. I'd advise you to lay the foundations of reciprocal support now...

Yeah he has been trying to visit her as much as he can at weekends as he has to travel for work during the week. I think the problem is that she lives 5 minutes away from their mum and we live an hour and ahalf away. He really has been trying his best and it never seems good enough. His mum has also said she appreciates what he can do so it is only his sister who seems to have a problem

I've seen that too and totally agree that it usually falls to daughters. However, he has helped as much as he can at weekends when he is able to but it never seems to be enough (he cannot help during the week as he has to travel for work). I think the issue is also that his sister lives 5 mins away from their mum and we live and hour and ahalf away. His mum has also said how much she appreciates his efforts so it is only his sister who has the issue.

She always downplays his situation thinking he has it easy when he is busy non-stop. He really is trying his best and if he wasn't I would say as I love his mum and also want the best for her but we simply do not have capacity to help more than we are. He is travelling alot for work between now and May when baby is due and with me being diagnosed with this condition he will have to fly back for my appointments too.

Well then your options are either ignore or ask SIL what specifically would help. Maybe phone calls? If she asks for more visits then clearly that's not possible as he's working.

Step up to do what though?

I think she’s probably feeling that since she lives closer then everything is left to her.

I think it’s probably for the best that your dh speaks to his sister and just catches up with everything. Find out how she’s coping with mum and then he can talk about your pregnancy and what you guys are going through- does she know about your hospital stay? Ignoring her isn’t the best option, I understand he’s avoiding an argument but this will probably make her feel like he’s doing less.

I know it’s stressful having a high risk pregnancy, I attend 3 appointments a week and have had multiple hospital stays. It’s exhausting and can take some of the excitement out of it. Thing is, some people haven’t experienced that, they will be understanding and supportive but they might not fully realise how it feels for you. I’m definitely not taking sil side, she sounds difficult, but she’s focussing on her issues just like you guys are focussing on yours too.

100% agree! I have told him that he needs to be more transparent with her so she is fully informed of what is going on. She does know I have been in hospital and she knows about my pending diagnosis.

However she always has a tendency to think that she always has things worse off and things are a competition. He doesn't want to have to keep explaining herself because he feels like she will just begin telling him how to prioritise his life and she always acts like he is accountable to him (she's slightly older and it's been a long running issue that she treats him like a child-he's 37!). She is one of those people that the more information you give her the more she will use it against you. I have however text her myself explaining in detail our situation (she asked me how I was so I have been transparent). Let's see what she says!

Also-his mum has actually been really understanding of our limitations and he has gone to see his mum at weekends as and when he can but we cannot commit to the same level. His sister sees their mum every day and we just can't do that when we live 2 hours away on top of everything else.

Is MIL ill or incapacitated?

What is wrong with MIL that she needs daily visits from SIL and regular visits from your DH?

His mum has been recently widowed and was very dependent on her husband. His sister lives 5 mins away from my MiL (we live 2 hours away) and she is going round their mum's house to clean the house and do life admin-although his mum has said that his sister is becoming overbearing and she doesn't actually need the help to the degree the sister is doing. His mum has also been really appreciative of what he has been able to do.

Essentially, I think his sister wants us to go to see their mum every weekend and we just cannot commit to that. He travels away from home during the week and also travels abroad 2 weeks at a time every couple of weeks, and this will be the leading up to my due date. He really is going his best and if he wasn't I would say something as I love his mum dearly.

His sister always thinks she has things worse off and she has a tendency to treat him like a child (she's abit older) and the text last night failed to even recognise the affect the week would of had on him, and it was a demand "you need to step up with mum". On the same day his pregnant wife has been discharged out of hospital with a diagnosis of a chronic condition.

This is the thing-she doesn't. She was widowed recently and was dependent on her husband so needs some help with life admin, however my MiL has even said she is finding her daughter overbearing. She's going round every night and doing tasks that do not really need doing (like cleaning the garage?!). I think she wants my DH to go to visit and help every weekend and we just can't commit to that. On top of everything else we live 2 hours away (SiL lives 5 mins away), and my MiL has also understanding and appreciative of the help we can offer.

Nope-widowed last year. She was dependent on her husband but my SiL has taken it upon herself to take on jobs that do not need doing and even my MiL is finding her overbearing

I think she wants my DH to go to visit and help every weekend and we just can't commit to that.

Which ‘she’? MIL or SIL?

I think he needs to speak to his SIL why does she think jobs need doing that the MIL doesn't? Is it a case of MIL downplaying the situation and the poor SIL is picking up the slack?

We are quite an independent couple so it mightent work for you but I wouldn't take DH to hospital appointments with me (both HCPs so might be why), could he use any of his family leave to help MIL?

Sounds like she's just trying to make herself seem indispensable and then moaning that dh isn't "helping" her when it's all a load of shite.

Leave dh to deal with it. You've got plenty on your plate.

Surely a lot of life admin is remote so your husband could definitely help with that, even when working away he had his evenings to himself in a quiet hotel room.
The sister might be annoying but whilst you have other things in your life, she will too and she is feeling an obligation to step in where your husband isn't and that could that MIL doesn't need that much support, it could be she's putting a brave face on it. My gran used to say she didn't need much, but my mum nearly ran herself into the ground and it was all stuff that needed doing, while her brothers were either completely absent or would pop in once a month maybe take gran for lunch but do nothing of any practical benefit.

He has been-he's been on the phone constantly sorting out her utilities etc, and my SiL knows this. But she wants us to be there every weekend and we cannot commit to that. My MiL is also finding her daughter overbearing and many of the things she is "helping" with do not actually need doing-like deep cleaning the garage... believe me if he was being a rubbish son I would tell him as I adore his mum. He video calls him mum every night to check on her and we have been to help when we can but it never seems for be good enough. We live 2 hours away-we will never be able to match what she does living 5 mins away along with everything else we have going on

I think it maybe sounds like your SIL needs support in her grief and is using MIL as an ‘excuse” or distraction or perhaps hasn’t had a chance to really process a things herself due to being the default support for your mil. I think she’s asking your husband for help and perhaps needs his support for herself (notwithstanding he is bereaved too)

I think this may be the case, as honestly my MiL is alot more capable than what my SiL thinks. She is very happy to tell us about everything that is going on her life but then dismisses everything that happens in her brother's life. It's been a long running issue where she is constantly trying to order people around and never seems to care how things can affect him. He is always video calling his mum and texting his sister to ask how things are and help out with utilities and anything he can but it never seems good enough

Nailed it! She isn't coping well with the loss at all and I think she is using the MiL as a distraction. However, my husband is constantly calling her and my MiL to ask how they are doing and he's been sorting out utilities and visiting his mum as and when he can but it never seems to be good enough. It's been a long running issue where she has always downplayed our lives and she is always hard done by. She also never asks him how he is yet is happy to offload onto hjm and he does his best to support her. He's incredibly stressed and the last thing he needed was his sister making him feel like a crap son when his pregnant wife has just been discharged from hospital with a likely chronic condition

Sorry I’m team SIL. It’s a balance, he has responsibilities as a husband but also as a son and as a brother.

Honestly OP we've been on the other end of this (as in we were the family that lived close by). It meant my dad was the one who had to be there every time my grandparents had a fall, he had to be the one to pop in every day to check they were okay. He had to be the one to sort out when his brother had a mental breakdown and was sectioned. He had to be the one to sort out when my grandad died and my Nan had to go into a home. Meanwhile the third brother lived an hour up the road, turned up twice a year and was treated like the prodigal son. It was exhausting to watch. We'd be told oooh A has been. Wood de fucking do, my dad was the one there every day.
Your MIL has recently lost her husband, your DH needs to step up. I know you live 90 minutes away and he cant commit to going every week. Can he commit to every fortnight? Is there any of the admin he can take off his sister to do from afar?
There's every chance MIL is telling you one thing and SIL something else, doesn't necessarily mean what you're being told is the truth.

I can't help feeling you just don't like your sister in law. Your DH needs to talk to his sister. She sounds like she's struggling, perhaps feeling overwhelmed either by grief or helping her mum, or both. They need to find a way forward that works for everyone as the last thing his widowed mum needs is for her children to end up at loggerheads.

Going against the grain here.
My elderly df needs lots of help now.
Me and 2 siblings do as much as possible.
Our 4th sibling does nothing, rarely calls or visits.

The fact is whilst I’d love my sibling to do more he doesn’t have to.
And I would never ring up demanding he help.

We all have choices and op’s sil has made this choice to help probably more than necessary. Op’s dh could do nothing if he wanted, nobody has to look after their parents.
The sil needs to do what she wants and then mind her own business.