SiL STRIKES AGAIN

[KD1988UK]

The past week I have been admitted to hospital for the second time in this pregnancy (now 6 months). I have been provisionally diagnosed with a chronic condition which has been exacerbated by the pregnancy. I was admitted on Monday literally days after he returned from being abroad for work for a week.

Due to the condition I am now under consultant care with multiple hospital appointments for the duration of the pregnancy, and one will include a discussion of what it could mean for the pregnancy and labour. Whilst all this is happening he has to travel for work due to industry he is in and I understand that.

I was discharged today and his sister has text him this evening in telling him to “step up” in helping their mum who is going through some things at the moment.

Firstly, I feel like it is incredibly inappropriate to say that to him when his pregnant wife has been in hospital all week and now has been diagnosed with a chronic condition. Secondly, she is always treating him like he has no emotions and never recognises that he has other responsibilities and can also be affected by events.

I just cannot get over the audacity of this woman. My mother in law is lovely but my sister in law is an absolute nightmare.

My husband’s approach is to just ignore her but I struggle with how brazen she always is in trying to make him feel like he is being selfish when he is doing his best. He is trying to do his job whilst supporting his pregnant wife in hospital.

Anyone dealing with a sister in law like this?

We have been visiting about once a month and we even plan to visit this weekend. He also video calls his mum every night and has been sorting out things remotely for her like utilities etc. We have also had our mother in law stay with us for a couple of weeks at a time and she has said she has loved it. I think my SiL wants us physically there every weekend and we just cannot commit to that. He is honestly doing the best he can whilst also dealing with his own grief of losing his dad.

I do like her and I have been supporting her as best I can too. I just do not like how she treats people, she is continually downplaying every else's struggles and is very vocal about her own. It has been a long running issue that over the years no matter what we do it is never good enough. When lived round the corner and saw the family every weekend, she would then ask for us to visit during the week and if we couldn't she would accuse him of being rubbish. We have had my mother in law stay with us for weeks at a time which my MiL has loved and he video calls his mum every night to check on her and has been sorting out her life admin remotely. He honestly is trying his best but it never feels good enough to his sister.

I wholeheartedly agree! He has been video calling his mum every night to check on her and has been sorting out her life admin (utlilities etc) remotely. We have visited as best we can and have also had my MiL stay with us weeks at a time and ensured she is well looked after. We are also going to see her this weekend. But I think my sister in law wants us there physically every weekend and we cannot commit to that. If he was being a rubbish son I would say to him as I idolise his mum but he is honestly doing his best under the circumstances

Maybe you can offer to pay for a cleaner to come every 2 weeks to deep clean?

Get him to tell her that she has absolutely no idea if the interaction and support he gives his mum albeit in a different manner to which she gives it. And that he and mum will sort out if she needs anything more from him at this time when he has other things going on at present. And then don't respond to further messages.

@KD1988UK MIL sounds like a people pleaser telling everyone what they want to hear.
SIL will be grieving as well. If he can only commit to once a month at the moment how often can he commit to when baby is here? Once every 6 months? It's okay saying he can only do what he can but what happens if SIL decides to step back because frankly it sounds like it's okay for her brother to. She's reached out and told him she needs more support. He's chosen to ignore her. He sounds great.

I don't think it's actually about cleaning...and my mother in law would be appalled if we offered that. She's very house proud and that would imply her house needs it which in my opinion she doesn't.

So what help does she actually need. How much admin can a person have?. If he calls her on face time every night and visits every 2 weeks, that is enough since you live far away. Just explain this to her calmly and then ignore her after that's.

@femfemlicious they've been visiting monthly not fortnightly.

But SIL has set the pace of what she thinks MIL needs. Even the MIL disagrees. And now the SIL is using her own self set "amount" of support as a bar to compare the DH against.

Why are you "team SIL" when actually everyone should be on team "family" - listening to what MIL is saying she needs or doesnt; balancing their own lives with what MIL actually needs?

It's monthly to every 2 weeks. When he isn't travelling abroad it is every month and when isn't it's every 2 weeks. And we have also had my MiL stay with us weeks at a time to make she is looked after and has a break from being home alone.

I wonder if she feels some sense of guilt over dad's death and this is a way of and coping and grieving, whatever you and your dh do it will never be enough, my sister was the same, had to do everything even if it didn't need doing then blamed everyone else for not helping. Is sil got a partner or children, has mil and dh sat her down and told her she is getting too much now, they don't want daily visits, she needs to back away for everyone's sake including her own, no one likes a martyr.

It sounds to me like it’s SIL that needs the support, rather than MIL, but she’s using MIL as the way to cry out.

I hear what you’re saying when you say she’s the kind of person who’ll always want people to hear how hard she has it compared to everyone else, but whether you agree with her struggles or not, to her they must feel very real.

Maybe suggest that DH goes and spends some time with SIL soon - not doing things for MIL - so they can work out between them as siblings exactly what needs to be done for MIL, but also what kind of support SIL might need. It might be something as minor as needing a cup of tea and a chat with her brother, or something bigger might be going on that she doesn’t know how to articulate so is channelling everything into MIL.

I also hope your health improves OP - never easy being ill, especially when pregnant!

Ignore Sil. If dh is 37 presumably dmil is not that old? Ie not well into her 80s so still has physical capability. even if you do commit to every weekend now this won’t be practical once baby is here.

ive had a Sil who liked everyone to know how she was the only one doing anything . She did less than dh in reality and none of it was without drama. Ignore the drama and listen to what dmil tells you she needs.

Am very aware that we are getting only one side of the story here.

its not clear why she is an all round awful person when it’s one very specific issue that’s the problem. You don’t suggest that this behaviour is part of a wider issue.

also you seem to be outraged that she thinks she has the right to criticise him. But she is his sister. Her relationship with him has gone on for much longer than yours.

also - I bet a million quid he isn’t actually articulating his other commitments to his sister. He needs to have a proper discussion with her.

Personally I’d want to hear the SIL’s position before assuming she’s in the wrong. Too often I have seen that the daughter does the vast majority of parental care while the sons make excuses for why they can’t help. And I have seen their wives/partners support this because it’s better for them too.

The distance is irrelevant - I know one daughter who deliberately decided to live near her mother so she was able to help while her brothers moved miles away, knowing their mother needed help, and said it was too hard to visit weekly. So everything fell to her and they’d swan in once a month or even every 2 months. It was sickening.

I’ve also been surprised at how willing older parents are to assume their daughter will help but give their sons a free pass and praise them to the sky for the minimal effort they make. Even to the extent of claiming they don’t need help when they clearly do and the daughter has to step up.

If you can’t visit and help often (though I am sceptical that this is as hard as you say) then you should at least cover the cost of some of the help provided - e.g. pay for a cleaner once a week so your SIL doesn’t have to do it.

She isn't an awful person but it is a long running issue in our lives that no matter what, what we do is never enough and our lives and responsibilities are never taken into account. I was in hospital this week due a suspected pulmonary embolism and was an absolute mess and the hospital isn't near where we live (it's atleast 40 mins away). This is also my double rainbow baby and he was trying to juggle everything whilst also making calls to his mum to check she is okay. He didn't need his sister saying "you need to step up with mum" on the day his pregnant wife was discharged. We plan to actually visit my mother in law tomorrow but it always seems that it is never good enough no matter what we do to my sister in law

We have been! We have given my mother in law large sums of money to help with cleaners and anything she needs my sister in law knows this! But we can't keep doing that as we do have a baby on the way and our own costs to manage. Further, my husband video calls his mum every night to check in and has been doing her life admin remotely for her-which my sister in law also knows! This is my double rainbow baby and the second time I have been in hospital since becoming pregnant, and I had a suspected pulmonary embolism (sister in law knows this!). The hospital is no where near us and he had to juggle everything and he still was calling and texting his mum to make sure she is okay. If he was being a rubbish son I would pull him up on it as I adore his mum and we are very close but he really is trying his best. No matter what is going on in our lives his sister always downplays it. We on the other hand check in on her and I have seen numerous messages and conversations where he is asking if she is okay. His mum is trying to find her independence and is feeling smothered by her daughter but my SiL and has tried to say so but DiL doesn't listen.

My husband did not need a demanding text on such a stressful week. He is incredibly stressed and is trying his best but it never seems to be good enough.

If you're visiting tomorrow can sil be there so you can have a family meeting, she may want to vent and unload then mil and dh lay down some rules. No daily visits unless mil wants them, it's too much, dh working away, baby on the way, you're ill, you are his priority. Ask mil what help she needs, does she want daily visit, is the deep cleaning garage a destressor or in the back of her mind does sil think everything will be left to her to sort out uf mil goes into care or dies. Suggest discussing poa if its not in place. Write down who does what in the future but you've all had enough of the bossy behaviour, appreciate you're all grieving but you all need to compromise.

@StrawberryEater you’re sceptical it is as hard as she says for the OP and her DH to visit? On what grounds are you sceptical?

He has and is always wanting us to visit more which we honestly cannot accommodate. We have also had my mother in law stay with us weeks at a time to make sure she is cared for and looked after, we have given her money to over things like cleaners, food, utilities or anything she needs, and he has been doing her admin remotely and video calls her every day. My SiL knows all of this but it never seems to be good enough and my MiL has never said she needs more help and has even said she is finding my SiL overbearing and has tried to explain this to SiL but it goes unheard.

Someone, preferably mil, needs to ask her why doesn't she listen, tell her it's destroying the family and can she please stop.