Best (most sensitive) way to tell best friend I'm pregnant

[Thornberry1]

My best friend and I have both had very difficult (but different) pregnancy & fertility journeys. We've both experienced loss and heartache, with everyone around us getting pregnant seemingly very easily.

We're both still young-ish (early 30s) not that that's particularly relevant! The only positive of us both having such hard times is we've had each other - to rant, cry, ask if the other also feels xyz emotion, drink, not drink etc!

I've just had my 12-week scan - I can't believe it, so thankful. How do I tell her, and let her know that I still understand how she feels and I'm still there for her. We've both said we'll be happy for each other when it happens, but I know it'll still hurt. I just don't want her to feel alone. And also don't want her to feel she needs to ask about my pregnancy etc.

From my own experience, I know text is best and I obviously won't be sending scan photos. Anything else that would help? I know she feels crap on a Monday so maybe a Friday?

My absolute dream would be for her to say she's pregnant too!

TIA for any advice xx

You know your friend better than any stranger on here so probably best placed to decide.

I'd suggest phone call, quick and short. And she doesn't have to stay for a prolonged period of time having to mask her heartbreak at her own situation.

I’d phone her too, maybe send a msg to say “are you free for a phone call?”, then ring her and tell her. Perhaps do it when you know her dh will be there.

Text better than call imo, you don't have to fake an instant reaction with a text, hide your tears etc. Can gear up for a cheerful and genuine "congratulations!" When she's had a bit of time to process.

I agree with this. Have been in this situation myself and would have preferred by text.

Text her. In person or on the phone doesn’t give her the chance to take it in and send a thought through reply. Don’t text whilst she is likely to be at work or out doing something though.

Text her. Just a simple message, I'm expecting, no sympathy for her, place no expectations in the message about how you think she'll feel.

And for the love of God, do not tell her she's not missing much as you've got terrible morning sickness (said to me, 8 weeks after an traumatic ectopic pregnancy)

Definitely a text over phone call as you know. Give her a minute to get her head round it and so she can respond without being put on the spot.

It will be hard for her but ultimately she is your best friend so she will come around, your just have to be prepared for her being uncomfortable in the beginning

I would text her and tell her and don't attach a copy of the scan pic unless she asks to see it. It's really kind of you to care how she'll feel about it.

Text message 100% I was in the same position with a friend and it seemed the most sensitive way to do it

Text definitely.

As a fellow infertility/miscarriage sufferer, I always coped better when pregnancy news came from someone else who I knew had had as long a journey as I'd had as I could apply the reasoning 'Well, this person has also suffered and is now happy so maybe that will be me too one day.'

If she's the same, then I imagine she will be genuinely pleased for you :)

Congratulations by the way!

Definitely a text as you said, give her chance to digest it and send you an appropriate response without having to hide any upset she feels. As @Dancingfairydreams said, keep it matter of fact, no speculating about how she might feel as this can sometimes make things worse! I’m sure she will be happy for you all the same and hopefully it will give her some hope for herself.

Agree with text and keep it factual. Give her time to process and don’t tell her you understand it must be hard for her etc, comes across as smug and patronising (although I know it’s not the intention).

Agree with all above - just to say that you sound a very sensitive and kind friend :) and trust that she would be the same if the situation was reversed

Text, keep it short and simple. Don't say anything about knowing how she feels or that you know she'll find it hard etc.

Going slightly against the grain here.. for me it was my sister that I had to tell and it needed to be a phone call, she would have hated a text. I kept the call short and made sure she was not out and about when I rang her. I also told her well in advance of sharing the news with other family and friends so that she had time to process it. If you decide to text, try to time so that you know she's at home and not at work or out and about.

It was a very hard phone call to make and I cried my eyes out after I hung up, but however shit I felt about it, was nothing compared to how hard it was for her to hear the news.

Text - give her Tim to process. She will be happy for you but sad for herself.

Congratulations to you though!

Definitely message first and tell her you know it's hard news to hear and you don't need a response immediately etc

There have been a few threads on this topic and the balance of preference always come out that the safest option is a written message.

You can let her know the news, and say you have no expectation of any particular reaction but you would be happy to talk at her preferred timing as you both know it's a delicate situation which is complicated for you both and you love her.

Congratulations, and you sound like a lovely caring friend, I hope you can both navigate this next chapter in your stories together with sensitivity and mutual care.

Text -

Dear friend name, I've had a 12 week scan and and expecting our baby on xxxx. I hope you will also have good news soon. Love your name.

I've been on the receiving end of this and definitely a text with the offer to meet for a chat or phone call if they want to but leave the ball in her court. The other option is what my brother and sister in law did and tell her partner so he can break the news to her, sounds like a cop out but hearing it from my husband allowed me to talk through how I felt with him..but not upset my friend. Its difficult I was genuinely pleased for all my friends when they told me but you can't help that bit of you that just feels so desperately sad and jealous aswell.

Text. It gives her time to process her emotion. There's nothing worse than being put on the spot and pretending to be happy when you're breaking.

I was in the position of your friend and had to hear this news many times from friends and relatives as I ended up never having a successful pregnancy (I eventually adopted an older child). You sound like a very considerate friend and I'm sure whichever way you break your happy news (because it is happy news) will be OK as you are seem a caring person. I was always genuinely pleased to hear about a new baby, even though I wished it was me. I think a written message is best, to give her time digest the news or, as previously mentioned, ask her partner to break it to her gently. I'm sure she will understand that you were nervous about telling her and appreciate your concern for her feelings. Please don't feel guilty.

ive just been through this on the other end. She doesnt know about my loss. I had a feeling before she told me which helped me to prepare. When she did tell me was a scan photo via text. Obviously you know not to send the scan but i think text is brilliant. It allows her to not be under pressure with reaction.

Although she will be really happy for you she will still hurt that she isn't pregnant.

Also just wanted to say, you sound like an amazing friend for caring so much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope she gets hers too soon so you can both share the journey.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. You've all been very helpful and definitely made me rethink and strip back the content. Really appreciate it xx